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To pursue or not to pursue?

Ben Bax

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Hi, I'm hoping that perhaps I could get some advice or atleast opinions on my particular dilemma


To cut along story short, I met this girl, oh ~5 years ago, as I had just come out of a 10 year relationship things weren't so great, there was alot of mixed emotions both on her part and mine, but we dated for a year and a half before mutually ending things. Since then we've remained good friends, meeting up occasionally and over the years she's become a great friend, but recently theres been a large change on her part.

In the last 6 months she's been contacting me alot more, suggesting we meet up more often, offering to help out with stuff and quite regularly making references to when we were dating, also bear in mind that I never, ever phone her (some friend huh... ) so everything is instigated by her

Whenever we go out, it's great, good conversations, good fun which always end on the note of how she enjoyed herself and wants to meet again soon.


The question is, should I test the water and see if things could step up a notch or should I be content with how good our friendship is?

I do love this girl, she is truly special, a perfect match if there ever was one and although she doesn't know it I would do anything for her, anyone else I've seen since has unfortunately been compared to her.


What I'm having trouble with is signs, she's always kept her feelings close whether this was shyness or just not wanting to say too much I don't know, but the way things are now I can't tell if she's looking to pick things up or whether she's just become more confident at expressing herself


Thanks for reading

Any advice/opinions?

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Well just a quick reply. My first thought to your situation is that you'd better up and return the attention. It doesn't sound fair that she's doing all the work. Show your appreciation of her efforts at least, if nothing else. Don't take her for granted. Taking people for granted ends you up in mediocre land with someone less great for you.

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I agree with Lucy Lou...time for you to step up to the plate and initiate things. If she keeps calling you despite the fact that it is a one-sided effort, she probably would like things to progress and is hoping that eventually you will get to that point. If you don't finally tell her how you feel, you might end up regretting it when she finally gets fed up and decides to move on.

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your quote The question is, should I test the water and see if things could step up a notch or should I be content with how good our friendship is?


what do you want? go for what is right for you. if you want to be friends and that's it, make that apparent. otherwise, i agree with the others, step it up.

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Thanks for the replies


Well to be honest I don't know what I want... I've spent the last 2 years staying single to get on with stuff in my life, doing it how I want and when I want. And yet, I now feel the perfect girl is possibly making herself more available to me and I honestly don't know what to do

In alot of ways the friendship suits me fine, from my bachelor view of things but the idea of possibly having a perfect match definitely starts my heart beating faster than normal


@Lucy_lou, yes I've been selfish, I won't deny that but its also been a NC thing, a part of me was gutted when we broke up but at the same time there was also a very strong feeling that there was more to me and her than what had been (something she stated and has upheld over the years) which took away any pain I felt, in some respects it left me with a kind of expectation that when everything was sorted out we would both be free to pick things up again


Now it seems that time might be here I'm scared sh*tless, in my mind its stuff that you see on films/read in books, this isn't meant to happen in real life

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Well.....from the aspect of the girl (since I happen to be in a very similar situation)....she likes you, but there will come a time when she will throw in the towel...everyone eventually stops trying when there isn't any reciprocation. I spend most of my days thinking of ways that I could put a smaile on his face and things that I can do to make him happy. Its my main goal and I have a wonderful friendship, but if he doesn't step up to the plate, he will see that I don't do that for my "friends".

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