Feel bad for picking up the phone

[mezmerist]

I know how big NC or LC is on this board, so I just wanted to get an opinion on how I should be approaching my break-up. We just broke up yesterday, and he just called me about 30 min ago. I was debating on whether I should pick up, and I did. We didn't talk too long, but he just wanted to know how I was doing, and to let me know that I could call him if I wanted. He also wanted to know if it was ok for him to call me, or if I would rather him not. By the way, we broke up because of our own separate issues which were conflicting with each other, basically bringing out the worst in each other. We decided it would be best to go our separate ways so that we could try and work on ourselves and not end up hating each other, and basically leaving the future open-ended (meaning we did not discuss anything about the future at all). Would it be completely detrimental if we just did LC for now? I don't want to shut him out completely, although I will if I feel that it is not allowing me to deal with the break-up in a good way. I feel like I must be doing the wrong thing if I even am in any type of contact with him, because it will send him the message that I am a doormat waiting for his call, but that's probably because of how much it is a stigma on this board.

[sti_2004]

don't feel bad for picking up the phone.

its pretty early in the break-up so i'd just go with the flow. i'd hate to see someone hold back from doing something they really want to do because everyone suggests against it.

 

your the only one that really knows your situation...

[vintage tees]

yeah i would not feel bad for picking up the phone. but i guess a thing that i ponder about is whether or not this break-up was somewhat mutual. you seem to be doing ok. i guess my curiosity about the previous question is only because this could route your intentions behind a phone call. if he is the one that thought the break-up was necessary you have no obligation to answer his phone calls, because after all, this is what he wanted. that being said if you want there to be a possible chance of a future together do not be overly emotional when you do speak. if he calls you too much you have to tell him it is not fair to yourself that he calls you whenever he feels like it. i do believe he will regularly contact you initially, and this will only be detrimental to you, because if he calls a couple of straight days and you speak with him and then all the sudden a day or two comes where you do not hear from him, this well shake you up some. so just be cautious about this. try to talk when you can, but calling you every day is off limits and if he cares about your feelings and this was his doing, he should not even expect that you could talk to him everyday still.

[mezmerist]

The break-up was sort of mutual...we had been talking about our problems for quite some time, so it didn't come as a total shocker. Although I would never have been the first one to step forward and say I needed the break, I brought it up after I realized the direction he was going because I knew it was a possibility. I think I am coping really well, much better than I thought I would, but maybe I am also in denial. I just want to make sure that I don't screw up and blow any possibilities in the future, I really love this man. I also want to make sure I am not taken on an emotional roller coaster. I guess the scariest part is that we didn't talk at all about the future, and what would happen. We didn't discuss being friends, we didn't discuss what we hoped to happen, etc. We just agreed we needed to work on ourselves as individuals. So, I don't know if that means that I have no chance in the future. I decided that I would just try and treat it like I have no chance, so that I'm not sitting around waiting and hoping (although I think in the back of my mind I still am.) All I want is for him to be happy again with himself, and heal from his past relationship, and be able to be there for me the way he wants to also.

[circi]

If I'm understanding correctly, the whole point behind this breakup is for you to each work on yourselves? If so, then I'd avoid contact for the most part. If you're talking daily, you're not taking the time/space to work on yourself and are still part of the relationship. You could do what my ex and I seem to be doing, and keep in touch via text without actually talking. Then you still have some contact, but it is in effect LC.

[vintage tees]

some elaboration is still needed on your differences. are they solvable with time apart, or would it mean one of you drastically changing your ways and personality which is not fair to either one of you guys? sometimes time apart can collectively solve problems other times it makes you realize that things could truly be better with someone else and you are not compatiable in the relationship sense. this separation is very fresh for you. if you want to maintain hope for the future, which i advised against initially as that being your sole purpose for knowing him, i'd be cordial and up beat when you speak and wait for him to want to see you and then you can examine if things can possibly work out. keep a level head and enjoy your freedom now that you have it and live your life without holding onto something that may not be there again.

[mezmerist]

The problems we had are solvable on our own. His problem was because he was not healed from his past relationship. It's been a year, but his ex has been in the picture a LOT, and it seems that she is unable to move on, which is stopping his progression. He ended that relationship, has no desire to get back to it, but has tried to be friends with her and that has not worked. We also started dating immediately after that relationship ended, so he pretty much had no time to heal, sort things out, etc. So this really does not come as a surprise (I mean, it sucks that it's been a year and this is still affecting him, but under the circumstances, I'm actually surprised we lasted this long).

 

My issues are of trust and insecurity. I was cheated on by my ex before this one, and so I was already very insecure. It didn't help that this ex had his ex-gf in the picture for so long, and that he started doing things that would make me even more insecure. So, basically, we were not compatible on those terms...but had it been at a different time, when both of us were healed, who knows. Every other way, we are great together. So, I guess that is why I'm still hopeful, that maybe things could work out if we both took time off to heal.