Does he really want me to visit?

[celebray69]

OK, so I need your guys expert advice:

I apologize if it is a little long.

I met this wonderful man two years ago while I was on a trip to Spain. We instantly hit it off and had a crazy time together but it was cut short when I had to come back home to the US. We both were very upset about having to part ways so soon but we decided not to commit to one another but to try and keep in touch as friends.

 

And we did keep in touch for two years. This past summer I went back to Spain on business and we saw each other again and the sparks flew but eventually I did have to come back home again and once again parting was hard. Since then we have been talking almost everyday for the last 4 months. He went to go work on a cruiseship for 6 months and we don't talk as much as we did before. But we usually go no more than 3 days without communication.

 

The problem is that in Spain and before he left for work, he told me that he was going to see if I could come and join him on the ship. I was going to go ahead and book but he first wants me to wait to see if he can get some sort of discount for me. I've heard this is very difficult and don't expect it to actually happen. But he hasn't asked his boss yet. He has been on the cruiseship for almost 3 weeks.

 

I feel like maybe he doesn’t want me to come. Am I being irrational to think this? He told me once that he was going to ask and never did. Usually in our conversations he doesn’t mention it and I don't always want to be the one bringing it up. If he wants me to come he will do it. I don't want to jump to conclusions because he did say he would ask after the holidays but I don’t know if I believe him. How long would you wait for him to ask before walking away?

[StephenP]

Give him one more week to ask, and call it quits. Or you can call it quits now. Regardless of whether or not he wants you there, he doesn't appear to be a reliable person. This sort of behavior almost always transfers to other aspects of a relationship, and you don't want to have to deal with a man who may constantly let you down.

 

If he doesn't want you there, you can't blame him. He lives an ocean away from you and only gets to see you once in a blue moon. If he gets you on the cruise ship, he's only perpetuating the connection that he believes is doomed to fade out in due time -- he doesn't want you to get more attached if he's not prepared to reciprocate commitment. Many people like the thrill of a long-distance romance, but seldom do they actually believe in the future of them.

[Weeblie]

Well 3 weeks seems a bit soon to be asking your new boss for a discount.

And when did you plan on making the trip? I think that kind of might affect why he's taking so long.

[celebray69]

I was planning on going down in Febuary but I don't want to go unless he really wants me there.

[Weeblie]

Well I guess he really should've been pushing for that discount seeing as February is only a couple of weeks away.

 

 

Here's the thing that's got me a little confused. You've been friends with the guy for two years, you just saw him recently, and you seem to be closer to him now. But it still seems like a friendship to me, since there's no mention of lovey dovey talk. And if it's a friendship, it shouldn't matter if he's able to get you a discount or if he's real gung-ho about you visiting. It should matter if the visit is good timing.

 

I mean he works on the ship. It's his job and he's been there for three weeks only. It seems premature for him to be asking for a discount and time off.

 

But if you're interested in more with him, does he know? And wouldn't you want him to visit you instead? It seems like the last two visits were initiated by you. Shouldn't he making an effort to meet you halfway?

[StephenP]

The terms "we had a crazy time" and "sparks flew" suggested that at least had sex, but I doubt this guy sees it as anything else but fun sex.

[Weeblie]

Yeah I got that there was a physical connection.

 

But since they talked daily, was there talk of anything more? Was there sparks in the day to day stuff? If she can't gauge whether or not he wants to see her. Then something must be off in their conversations.

 

As there's a huge distance, I kind of get the feeling that they left things off like they did the first time. Friends. Or at least maybe that's what he's been assuming.

[celebray69]

Weeblie - hahahaa ya I guess hey Feb. is pretty close.

 

We're actually kind of like serial love letter email idiots. And he is very aware of how I feel for him and vice versa. It was actually him that opened up first about his feelings. I know it's early for him to ask and that's why I don't want to keep pestering him but I feel like I need to know if he is more than just words.

 

It would be awesome if he could come visit but obviously he is going to be occupied for the next little while and I don't know if I want to wait that long to see him again. I would like to go see him to get a clearer idea of how I really feel about him and if I would want to continue this craziness with him. I just feel a little frustrated right now. Thanks soooo much for your advice, I really appreciate it!!

 

Stephen - We actually have never had sex which is why this is soooo strange. I know he cares about me but what he's willing to do about it is still unclear.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Your initial feeling is correct. If he wants you to come, he will initiate it and he will take the actions. If he doesn't really want you to come, then he won't. His words and actions don't match.

 

Don't talk about it for a while and see if he brings it up. Let go the control of it and leave that ball in his court. Don't talk about it unless he throws it back in your court. You've said all you needed to say about it now let him do what he needs to do.

 

I would wait long enough to see if he does what he says he is going to do. That's the crux of the matter - does he follow through? If he doesn't, then you know what to do. And don't make excuses for him...date someone else and have fun with your life.

[Weeblie]

Hm, I assumed that he wasn't sending love letters, just regular letters. That kind of changes things.

 

Since he knows that you like him and he claims to feel the same way. He really should be keeping you updated on things. It's kind of weird to be writing love letters, but not pushing for a meeting especially when you gave him a timeframe. So yeah, like phrecklesrsexy said, follow through is important. Give him some time to bring this up again.