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scrambling for survival in 2008...a reflection...‏

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hello all...


well havn't really posted in a long while...thought i take a brief break from ENA to take my mind off of this whole break up situation (but i obviously still come on and read stories lol).


anyways this is really just a rant about this great glorious time call the beginning of a brand new year.


in 6 days i will be single for 2 months exactly, havn't talk/seen the ex since the day i walked out her door, i do wonder oh so much what she is up to.


ever stand infront of your porch and look at a star and think..."i wonder if she is lookin at the same star, wondering the same thing as me?"....sounds kinda corny, but the thought warms me in a way....it reminds me that i have experienced loving and being loved, and this is the greatest human capability (ok ok i admit its getting too too corny).


i cant say i didn't feel lonely on christmas eve, on christmas day, on new years eve, and on new years day...and i cannot say i wont feel lonely on my birthday thats coming up within a few days.


i cant say i didn't feel like crap when a buddy told me on new years eve she is seeing someone else.


but.....i ask myself over and over, how and why does this matter now? what am i gonna do or say to change anything??


and my answer has been the same every time....it doesn't matter now, and there is absolutely nothing i can do or say to change the reality.


am i still hurt about the breakup? yes and no

i am hurt because i felt betrayed by someone so close, and losing that someone to another. however, i look back with a little more sense, and wonder "really...was there anything that i miss from the relationship besides the companionship?"...and the answer has been clear sometime now.....no.


am i missing her or just missing the comfort and company? this is a tough 1..

she was absolutely beautiful, and i am extremely jealous of her being with another. however...i did have her for 4 yrs....and it wasn't just me that f'd it up, it was both of us...it does take two to tangle. and yes...i do miss the comfort and companionship, but i guess not with her... (still thinkin bout this 1)


do i wanna get back with her given the opportunity??

i cant answer this question, because this is asking me to choose "emotions" or "logic". broke up with me twice pretty much for other guys, lied to me gazillion times...etc. you guys will obvioulsy know the answer if i used my "logic".


am i scared to be alone?

i have been working on this one for quite a while now....here goes nothing. the ex was so beautiful, that i think i subconsciously used to her mask my own downfalls and insecurities (dont judge everyone got some). so in a way, yes i am scared to be alone because now i feel inadequate/not wanted as a man (this is the HARDEST to admit). but then again i ask myself "was she really THAT beautiful?" yes she is good looking, but so many girls out there have their own beautiful look, so really...this beauty really was just in the eye of beholder, me.


so ultimately, what have i been thinking about??

in the end, i think i have to be alone for a while. the thought of it really scares me, but it really comforts me in a weird way at the same time. i feel like im finally gonna get a piece of myself back. I look back sometimes and am utterly shock to find this guy that is me today...and i think to myself...i was never like this before! i was this care free, happy, content and just overall a very easy to approach, socialable person. now im this this constantly worrying, stressing, thinking too much, having trouble letting go a simple woman, having trouble gettin a grip over myself, and for crying out loud, smokin like a chimney and drinkin like a fish kinda person! i know this is all a mental game....how to toughen it out and stand back up like how i used to be is only a matter of mental capability. (i know some of you might disagree with this). i need to be happy to be alone first before i will go back out and start this whole relationship thing....i need to get to a state where i dont even bother thinking about this stuff....basically...i need to get back this confidence i had before.


so....im lining up a few things i gotta do in 2008...



1) i gotta get the f out of university...i've partied enough, loved enough, depressed enough, crazy enough....i need to now focus on my last few credits and get er' done!

2) i gotta start saving some money...for traveling after university is done (in december).


3) i gotta get my jaw fixed...i got bad jaw joint problems, can be fixed by getting braces.


4) i gotta quite smoking!!!! this is a big one...i gotta do it!!


5) i wanna learn how to play guitar....i have always loved music....playin guitar and singin some good tunes....heavenly!


6) i wanna just take up a few cooking lessons...just for fun!


7) i gotta regain my joy for my old hobbies that i've lost.....i used to love videogames, movies, basketball, and even reading....etc...


8) above all......i've always had a problem with always wanting to go out....im growing up now...i need to start learning how to be content with just....staying in.



anyways this is just some reflection...i sincerely hope i accomplish some of these things....i'll keep you guys updated and check off the things i finish once i get em done!!


merry christmas and happy new year kiddos!

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Very interesting... you make some great points. In some ways you are exactly like me... but then, you've been single 2 months and my pain just started...


I think you should definetely do all those things you are planing on doing... Don't give up on them... I wish i could set some goals or something at this point, but it's just to early for me.


Good luck Bud.

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thanks guys....


im also thinking about just taking random day trips to museums, art galleries...etc..by myself...


do you guys think thats weird?


Not at all. I don't think thats an easy thing to do alone and it will really help you in whatever transformation you need to make. But also, why not go with a friend or two every now and then just to change it up. I have a few guy friends and we do the same thing, its a nice change of pace from the bar.

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hey thanks for replying guys:



in a way, what im going thru right now, is what you can expect in the next 2-3 months. from my own experiences of breakups, at your stage right now, all you should do is feel everything that you feel, dont deny it, dont surpress it, just let it out.

give yourself a chance to take the impact of the emotional trauma. then after that, take control of yourself. at one point or another, after a certain amount of time of grieving a lost, you gotta pull urself back up.

think about it like this....u lived before her, you'll live after her, she was just another girl. why do u wanna waste ur time on a girl who cant appreciate you for who you are?

its hard to swallow now, but honestly, its like brainwashing urself, just think about the "logic" side of the breakup over and over...and you'll start to believe it.



don't thank me bud lol thank my ex or i wouldn't be posting here haha...

anyways, aint it grand to be able to identify to another person's experience? we all feel like our experiences are unique and aint nobody feel the same we do (yes to some extent)...but really....if ya think bout it, everyone goes thru lost at 1 pt or another.

from your own situation, it sounds like your breakup was a little tougher than mine to swallow. i understand where you are coming from with the "friend" thing (do a search under threads started by me, and check out the one "close friend fell in love with my gf") its very surprising how our situation is so similiar!

listen man me and u we're at a breakin point....at around the 2 months mark...we're starting to emotionally separate ourselves from this SO. i think this is the beginnin of us slowly but surely accepting the reality. im giving myself a few more months to just take it ez....its always hard coming out of a really long term relationship.

and to encourage ya, i've already started the list.....i'm on my smoke-free day two...and im gonna get my jaw started in 2 weeks (1 yr long process)....im knockin em down 1 at a time....

now i just gotta go get myself a PS3 and play some quality video games and pick up that guitar and just start strummin!!

i also got a long way to go but dude....dont think bout it...just start doin these things!

oh and ur moving to CA?? dude if i swing by CA im msging u hahaha ur gon have to show meh around...and u will find urself back in CA!!! its fackin california man!!! how can you go wrong with that??


Coach Jim

well....i can go with friends....but in all reality...i kinda just want to go by myself.....i swear its my loner syndrome kickin in hahaha it kicks in once in a while and i just dont want to hang out with people....

besides...i dun know if any of my friends would be up for goin thru museums and art galleries...etc.

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Great post, great goals, good reflections and honest responses to each one by yourself. Now you just have to follow through them. Write it down, print it out, stick it on the wall, above your bed. Set a date and write them in a calendar. Check them off one by one, good luck, you'll make it!


I can relate to most of your points there, so my friend you're not alone. Careful on overindulge though. I am gong to dedicate this weekend listing out my goals and continue taking actions.


Thank you for your post.

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oh oh i already overindulged already haha...


in this past 2 months.......in order to deal with the breakup...i have:

-spent a large sum of money just buying random clothings (yes guys need nice clothes too

-picked smoking right back up (quite right before the breakup)

-drank a 12 EVERY night in december (spent more money here)

-sat in my room doing nothing but drunkenly singing songs

-got less than 5 hours of sleep every night (alchohol kills ur sleep)

-slacked off in working out, so now have gained a little weight (not noticeable thankfully)


so thats why i posted this reflection lol


thats why im quitin smkin....gonna drink less....etc


hope im on the right track..haha

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ur from australia? dude let me know what u think of this...

i want to go to australia for like 3 months....rent a van, and just drive along the coast....stop at places for a week at a time, work temp jobs in restaurants/bars for some extra money during the stay....and basically just camp/live in hostels where ever i land my foot....do u think thats feasable in australia? (want to go down to new zealand after)


and u've done everything on my list? lol well looks like im ahead of you on the smokin like a chimney....


hahaha the funny thing about exercising is that for my first breakup, a friend of mine was trying to talk to me about "occupational anorexia" (i am a guy by the way lol) because i was working out like mad...hahaha

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It's an awesome idea, I am considering traveling too. Gotta do it! Just have a few loose ends to tie, a few responsibilities I want to take care of, then I'll see how the sea looks before I start sailing.


Australia's restaurant pay aren't top like America and they normally get good tippings from customers. But it will be enough to pay for your daily expenditures. Though I would also prefer, if I am travelling, to work in restaurants, bars and other works dealing directly with publics because you get to talk to a lot of different people.


Yup, done all the stuff on your list lol Smoking is definitely has to be the next to go, I might reduce down to smoking socially for a month or two before I cut it down even further.

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ok...so instead of starting a new thread i think i'll just keep track of my goals on this 1....feel free to comment!


anyways today is my third day smoke-free...well actually thats not entirely true...i cracked and had a drag from a buddy's smoke last night....but thats all i swear!! i am doing ok with this whole smoking thing....


im not in a position to give advice or anything but i feel that if you make "quitting smoking" a big deal, it'll be hard to accomplish. so far i've just brushed off the whole idea of "quittin smoking" and just skip to not having one. i'll definitly try to keep this up for a week...and go from there.


next....my jaws.....*sigh* my jaws my jaws.....bad TMJ....now i have trouble chewing....i have two options....get surgery...or get braces to straighten teeth to release pressure on jaw joints. i saw my dentist, ortho, facial-oral malification (sp? lol) surgeons....and they all recommend the latter one. i know the surgery is risky....but i would have to wear braces for a year and a half!!


i know i will do whatever it takes to fix my bite and my jaw before its too late...but its....its just so embarrassing! im almost in my mid twenties!! and i just got out of a long term relationship...now i feel like i'll be single for the entire duration of this treatment ... i dunno..... i just keep telling myself "short term pain for long term gain...."


anyways thats my update as of now......im buying new strings for a guitar this weekend.....and im lookin forward to the new start of semester and meeting new people...oh wait....i'll have braces....SO NEVERMIND lol

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