Online Dating - Initial Contact

[Suesser Tod]

Hi guys, I have a question for those experienced in online dating.

 

The first few times that I tried contacting women in there I sent "long" e-mails. By long I mean, two or three paragraphs more or less trying to get to talk about the things they said about themselves in their profiles.

 

However, I never liked those e-mails. I had to assume a lot of things, and probably ended up making a fool of me. Also, it took a lot of time trying to come up with something about someone you don't know.

 

So basically I no longer send those e-mails. Now I'm tryign with short e-mails just letting them know I want to talk to them, sometimes giving them my e-mail address, but something short.

 

 

Neither type of e-mail seems to work better. I've got ONE reply after sending 90 e-mails, and the reply was to one of the short e-mails. So I have no basis to try to say that one worked better than the other.

 

 

Any tips that would make the initial contact easier and more effective? At this point I've tried contacting all the members that interest me, from now on I think I'll be contacting new members only as I've exhausted the posibilities with the existing users.

[free2Bme]

Do you have a photo on your profile?

 

I've done quite a bit of online dating, and narrow minded as it may sound, I was always more likely to reply to the guys with a photo on their profile.

 

Also if they said something witty to start with.

 

I think giving your email address straight away is a bit presumptious as well. Not very subtle.

 

A couple of short witty lines with a question at the end would usually capture my attention.

 

But everyone is different

 

Good luck!

[Stambler]

First of all, I think women have it worse than men as far as on-line dating. It seems to me that many men (not you, or I) view this as a "meat market" and go crazy with the winking and e-mailing, assuming that if a woman posts her picture and profile she is simply "up for grabs". I've spoken to women that say they receive so many of these they don't have time to even read them all, let alone respond.

 

I've had a handful of successful dates and it usually is a result of a short e-mail just to introduce myself, mention something that shows I actually read their profile and saw some compatability, not just a reaction from their photo. If they are interested, they will write back and at least say thanks and ask a question or two. After that the long e-mails are more appropriate, and should lead to phone calls and eventually a date!

 

However, even after weeks of e-mails and phone calls, you may find (on either end) that the chemistry just isn't there after you meet.

 

I'm guilty of nevr making contact again after a date when there is no chemistry. It's easy to do in the on-line dating world, but it's not very nice The proper thing to do is CALL and have a friendly chat, then just say "Hey I had a nice time, but I didn't feel a connection, but thanks for the nice evening".

 

Am I right ladies?

[Stambler]

Do you have a photo on your profile?

 

I've done quite a bit of online dating, and narrow minded as it may sound, I was always more likely to reply to the guys with a photo on their profile.

 

Also if they said something witty to start with.

 

I think giving your email address straight away is a bit presumptious as well. Not very subtle.

 

A couple of short witty lines with a question at the end would usually capture my attention.

 

But everyone is different

 

Good luck!

 

Oh yes, photos are a must, and witty is very important.

 

I tend to be original with each woman I contact, and for some reason, with one woman I contacted I "cut and pasted" her list of what she was looking for in a man, with true, but humorous answers for each item. I titled my e-mail "Did I pass the test?

 

I immediately received a response "With Flying Colors!"

 

Needless to say.....

[catwalk]

Some answers I've collected (some crossover, sorry!)

 

Men don't usually return emails if they aren't interested either. This topic has been done to death but there are several reasons:

1) She gets so much mail, she just doesn't have time.

2) The guy sends an obviously canned intro that he's probably sent to 10-20 other women as well, probably didn' t bother reading the profiles at all.

3) The guy is completely inappropriate, either in his email approach or he has totally ignored what you say in your profile and thereforeeee shouldn't expect a response.

 

 

1.) They don't respond because they aren't at all attracted by what you wrote.

2.) They don't respond because they aren't at all attracted by your profile.

3.) They don't respond because they read your email and simply haven't had time to write back yet.

4.) They don't respond because you wrote something offensive.

5.) They don't respond because they don't know how to let you down easily.

6.) They don't respond because there's no law being broken if they don't.

7.) They don't respond because in the past, when they have responded with a "no", they've been told they're a "fat, ugly, **** anyway", so why chance that one more time?

8.) They don't respond because THEY DON'T HAVE TO.

 

-it's probably your picture

-also the stupidity of whatever you wrote in your email

-also the fact that she likely has nothing in common with you

-possibly age difference

 

In conclusion, I can spot a premade email a mile away and never reply (except to say, 'that was a crap predone email you sent to every girl on the site, F off!')...... and usually it's simply because they are not attracted to you. Read the profile, that will help a LOT, you can tell off the bat which ones will not be interested!

[Stambler]

^ LOL!

 

You are so right cat!

 

I can only imagine what it must be like for you women!!!!!!

[catwalk]

^ LOL!

You are so right cat!

I can only imagine what it must be like for you women!!!!!!

 

 

when I was active on dating sites (not just on forums like I am now), I would get 20-50 emails a DAY. I was lucky to get through them all, like ever.

 

It gets overwhelming very fast, and a lot of women give up after being spammed so much by unwanted email from guys that didn't do anything other than look at the picture & spam them.

[Stambler]

 

when I was active on dating sites (not just on forums like I am now), I would get 20-50 emails a DAY. I was lucky to get through them all, like ever.

 

It gets overwhelming very fast, and a lot of women give up after being spammed so much by unwanted email from guys that didn't do anything other than look at the picture.

 

 

LOL, yea, like you probably put "Looking for men 25-30 years old" and received e-mails from old farts such as myself!!!!!

[catwalk]

LOL, yea, like you probably put "Looking for men 25-30 years old" and received e-mails from old farts such as myself!!!!!

yuppers! well wait...... no..... you're not an 'old fart'.... lol!

 

I'd just say something to the effect of "you are the same age as my father would be, and I don't know who he is, so that could be very gross & very bad, please stick to within 10 years of your own age!" he he

[rootcause43]

 

when I was active on dating sites (not just on forums like I am now), I would get 20-50 emails a DAY. I was lucky to get through them all, like ever.

 

 

Hence why I have my picture up and a pretty well-written profile. I figure my time is better spent putting the effort for the front-end work (being creative but not too much so) with the profile work.

 

I usually wait for the women to contact me first. I don't get as many contacts as the ladies but average about 5-10 winks/emails a week which is plenty for me. Just with those numbers I can keep busy. I can't imagine how 50 a week must be.

[Suesser Tod]

Obviously I have my picture in my profile. It's kind of a weird picture, as I'm on a race motorcycle that I raced a couple of times, but I'm not wearing my racing gear, I am wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jacket, as they are my favorite football team.

 

I like that picture quite a bit, but it doesn't really show the best of me, as it makes me look fat

 

Other than that, I've re-writen my profile a couple of times following advise on how to write profiles. And I guess the picture isn't really that bad, as I get quite a bit of views...

 

I guess I'm screwing up somewhere else.

 

 

By the way, sort email 2, long email 0. Just got a response a few minutes ago.

[Rhonda 2]

engage me intellectually. and don't title your response with HiHiHiHi... or re.... or any other mindless drivel. Paying a nice compliment up front is always helpful- like I've always been attracted to tall women. Good luck

 

Rhonda

[Stambler]

^ But I would imagine "Marry Me" is a bit too strong? LOL!

[servedcold]

Regardless of receiving 20-50 emails a day, it takes all of five minutes to send a "not interested" response to multiple men, so the "she's too busy" is a copout and is just rude.

 

First, if your picture makes you look fat, change it immediately. It is very important that your pictures all be flattering. Purge all grammatical errors out of your profile. If you aren't an excellent writer, stick to basics in your profile and throw in as much original wit as possible.

 

Second, go with a shorter first email unless you are an excellent writer. Bring up three points in their profile that interest you, include a couple of jokes, and ask a couple of questions about stuff in her profile.

 

If you are only receiving one response for 90 emails, are you sure you are mailing to women in their parameters? This is key. Also, don't email to women who aren't logging on frequently, they are likely involved and not available.

[catwalk]

Regardless of receiving 20-50 emails a day, it takes all of five minutes to send a "not interested" response to multiple men, so the "she's too busy" is a copout and is just rude.

wrong again!

 

usually when I write something to the effect of "not interested", which first of all I do not have time for, I get a reply of "WHY?!?!?!" or some insulting comment like "f you, you're an ugly b*tch anyway!".... so why bother?

They get all needy and want to know exact reasons, when all we wanted to do is get rid of them.... and most girls have a hard time saying "you are ugly, that's why, now leave me alone!". So we don't write back.

 

it's rude? too bad! get over yourself! online dating sites are not easy, and are not all happy and sunshine where everyone is friendly & you'll meet your soulmate with a few mouse clicks..... dispite what the ads might say

 

if you want to do the online dating thing, you have to leave your rejection issues at the login screen

[wiser]

-they don't respond if their profile is a joke, put up there just for fun and to mess with people's heads

-they dont respond if they have met someone, but they still like to receive emails either for the ego boost or to have a backup plan

-they dont respond if their profile is simply a trap to bait a cheating ex into responding

[servedcold]

wrong again!

 

usually when I write something to the effect of "not interested", which first of all I do not have time for, I get a reply of "WHY?!?!?!" or some insulting comment like "f you, you're an ugly b*tch anyway!".... so why bother?

They get all needy and want to know exact reasons, when all we wanted to do is get rid of them.... and most girls have a hard time saying "you are ugly, that's why, now leave me alone!". So we don't write back.

 

it's rude? too bad! get over yourself! online dating sites are not easy, and are not all happy and sunshine where everyone is friendly & you'll meet your soulmate with a few mouse clicks..... dispite what the ads might say

 

if you want to do the online dating thing, you have to leave your rejection issues at the login screen

 

Sorry, I do not believe that men generally keep pressing once told "not interested." I'm sure there are a few exceptions, but women are presumably on the site to meet men. The very least they can do is respond with the automated "not interested" feature on most sites. If the guy persists, the "block" feature is just a mouse click away, feel free to use it. No response is necessary for form emails or the generic "hey you're hot" ones, but OP has sent out NINETY personal emails with minimal response, so do you think "get over yourself" is helpful? You are flat-out wrong and display a very "privileged" attitude, as many women seem to, about basic courtesy concerning online dating.

 

OP, the above quote is the type of attitude you are contending with, so don't get discouraged by it, just accept it for the given reality it is. I started out two years ago on match exactly where you are today as far as rejections go, and after much experience, can pull quality women online today every bit as well as in person, and much more efficiently. It just takes practice and learning.

[catwalk]

it does take practice and learning...... and lots of rejection.

 

for a girl, I guess it's the price I pay for being so hot..... he he he he

[Suesser Tod]

OP, the above quote is the type of attitude you are contending with, so don't get discouraged by it, just accept it for the given reality it is. I started out two years ago on match exactly where you are today as far as rejections go, and after much experience, can pull quality women online today every bit as well as in person, and much more efficiently. It just takes practice and learning.

 

Agreed. It is extremely rude not to reply. I've seen the messages that they get, and if they have already opened it to check it out, they only have to click on a button right next to the text to send the automated "thanks but no thanks" message...

 

 

Well, I guess it will take some time and practice. However, I'm worried as I'm running out of profiles. Today I haven't found a single one that I'd like to contact, not many people join the site daily, so I guess I'll have to check it out once every three days or once a week.

[jengh]

I'm curious...can you give me a "sample email"? Pretend i'm a potential love interest.

 

I've done my fair share of online dating and I'm MUCH more likely to respond if:

His email is a short paragraph in length, containing some detail that leads me to believe he actually read my profile

He has a completed profile (meaning "about me", "what im looking for" etc etc)

 

I don't reply to:

A paragraph that could very easily be copy-pasted

Someone who writes 10 paragraphs (screams desperate)

Someone who hasn't filled out profile information (screams "one-night-stand)

[jengh]

Sample email:

 

Hey,

I really enjoyed reading your profile. I see that you're into "random interest". I love "interest". It seems like we have a lot in common. If you'd like to talk more, feel free to email me at email removed

[Suesser Tod]

Well, actually one of the responses sent me her e-mail and we spent a while chatting on MSN, I think it was 2 hours and a half!

 

I'm feeling great, I enjoyed the chat, it was fun and obviously it got stale a few times, but they were worked out. After so much time on MSN I got tired, things were getting stale again and I told her I had to go to get some work done, true, and then get some sleep.

 

The talk was very friendly, not that much flirting, so I don't know what to make of it. I guess it's fine as we were just strangers that have never actually seen each other.

 

However, I'm not very good on MSN, I know that I'll blow it up if I continue on MSN as I tend to read way too much into things, and I really need that "complementary" information that comes from body language. She hinted at getting at cup of coffee, so I guess I'll ask her out next time we meet on MSN.

 

 

Now, the weird thing, is that in her profile she seems to be an outgoing sociable girl. But from the chat, I don't think she is. She was wearing her pijama and she has been online since 4pm. She looks to me more like a loner than an outgoing girl. I guess I just need to slow down my brain a bit, it's way too soon to be creating a mental image of her personality, specially if I haven't met her.

That's my main problem with everything, my mind just keeps going way too fast and I end up overthinking the overthought, it's just overkill.

[Suesser Tod]

Sample email:

 

Hey,

I really enjoyed reading your profile. I see that you're into "random interest". I love "interest". It seems like we have a lot in common. If you'd like to talk more, feel free to email me at email removed

 

Well, the e-mail I've been sending is quite different. Its basically something like:

 

Hi!

 

I'll keep it simple as I dind't found a lot on your profile to try to come up with a conversation, so I just wanted to say Hi.

 

Then add my e-mail address so we can get to know each other.

 

 

I guess it may be coming accross as too impersonal.

[servedcold]

That email will come accross as being a form email, and if you type it as you type it here, almost no woman will respond because of the grammatical errors. Your emails should be at least a full paragraph, must discuss something in her profile in a clever way, must engage her by asking open ended questions, in order to get a response, else she will think you are cutting and pasting a form email, which you are.

 

In your original post, I was lead to believe that you were sending personalized emails and not a generic form email. The first step is to send an email customized to the profile you are addressing.

[Suesser Tod]

That email will come accross as being a form email, and if you type it as you type it here, almost no woman will respond because of the grammatical errors. Your emails should be at least a full paragraph, must discuss something in her profile in a clever way, must engage her by asking open ended questions, in order to get a response, else she will think you are cutting and pasting a form email, which you are.

 

In your original post, I was lead to believe that you were sending personalized emails and not a generic form email. The first step is to send an email customized to the profile you are addressing.

 

I'm not a native speaker so my English grammar is far from perfect.

 

"Personalized" e-mails are kinda tough as most profiles say something like "Hi, i'm a woman looking for a nice guy that is X, Y and Z". I chose the profiles based on their interests, but the interests are way to vague to try to talk about them.