sunnystar Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 It is obvious i have very little trust in my bf at this point. Two days ago he left his phone out. I had this nagging feeling to look in it given out past. ( several text gfs etc., only at the beginning of our relationship.) so i looked. i found texts about being horny and such two girls who are in the same area code we are. ahh i hurt me so bad when i found it. i feel so much guilt for looking but overall im glad i found it. the texts sounded as if they had met but its not definite. i asked my boyfriend about it right away and he was like " yes im sorry, i started to do it but i stopped right away it was stupid and it wont happen again,i love you, im sorry" ok so ive heard that from him before, two and a half years ago when our relationship began. I really think that we should have an open and honest relationship meaning i can look in his phone without him feeling totally violated. he says i am not allowed to go in his phone at all and he deserves this privacy. how can i ever feel trust in him again? i thought maybe compromising would help me out but he seems to think he deserves his privacy. i don't have anything to hide. he can go through my phone, he doesn't, but i have nothing to hide. we live together, why cant i see his phone? Link to comment
leo_s84 Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Cause he's cheating on you, or he probably will... Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 He has his privacy.. You can't take that from someone. If he cheated already, why didn't you dump him? Link to comment
Entomon Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 If he was not cheating on you, he would not have a problem with you looking through his phone. Link to comment
embers rise Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 I second Entomon's statement. I wouldn't mind my significant other going through my stuff unless I was trying to hide something. If I were you I would be trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship. Link to comment
free2Bme Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 You say he thinks he deserves his privacy.....of course he does! Everyone deserves their privacy. It doesn't just mean he's hiding something because he doesn't like you looking through his phone. It does show a significant amount of distrust when you snoop, and if the guy is being truthful then you are just showing him how little faith you have in him by having to check up on him. I am guilty of snooping in the past, and it hurt my BF, i found absolutely nothing, but from that point he though I didn't trust him completely, whereas in my head I just wanted a little reassurance. However, it does sounds as if you have reason to mistrust him, I don't think whether or not he allows you to look in his phone is the issue, if you actually don't trust him then maybe you should think twice about the relationship. Good luck x Link to comment
karvala Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 I think by default people do deserve privacy, and trust is a necessary component of a relationship. If you need to check up on someone regularly such that you want open access to all their private info, then you have to ask if the relationship is really worth being in. Having said that, if someone has been shown to be dishonest but now wants to be trusted again, then they should be willing to do whatever it takes to reassure the other person for a limited period of time, including access to their phone if necessary. If they're unwilling to take those steps, then you have to question their commitment and their claim to be honest again. Link to comment
EmotionalCreature Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 It's always a Catch-22, if you choose the path of trust and honesty then of course there are chances he may be or would be cheating on you while you devote total trust in him. Which could possibly land you in hot water if he's the type that takes advantages while you blindly trust him. On the other hand if you choose to draw a line and be opened then insist on the no-secret relationship. But hypothetically and theoretically, I personally would feel violated if my S.O. makes such a rule. The lack of trust from my S.O. would eventually break the relationship apart. I can't live with someone I cannot trust, and I cannot live with someone that doesn't trust me. Kavala has it right, if it is worth saving then go for it, give it another chance, another go with all you've got. If he chooses to betray you then he's not worth it. If both of you can get through these then you both will come out stronger than ever on the other end. Though Kavala, if he knows he's being watched through his phone he will probably make sure there's no records of communications left to see. Anyhow, everyone deserves a second chance. Link to comment
rockr Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 If he was not cheating on you, he would not have a problem with you looking through his phone. even if i am not cheating , i have a problem with my gf going through my phone because a. its my phone , not hers. if she wants to go through my phone , she needs to ask my permission as it can have sensitive information like work related stuff or other data which can be a risk if it comes out. its much more than a phone nowadays. Link to comment
southerngirl Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 If there is nothing to hide, hide nothing I say. If he wants to hide his phone from you he probably has something to hide. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Alright, well, I don't go through my boyfriend's phone, emails, etcetera...nor he through mine. I have no desire too, as I trust him absolutely. We have lived together over three years and respect one anothers space and privacy - and trust one another. I don't hide my phone or anything from him. If he wanted, I am sure he COULD look at it as I leave it lying around all the time; as does he...but I don't and he doesn't. That being said, I think if he had broken my trust, or I suddenly felt the need to do so, it would be because my gut was telling me something was very amiss and it was time to evaluate things and the relationship itself - not see it as a reason to "check up" on him more. I don't want a relationship where I need to check up on someone or let them know I am keeping my eye on them to make them stay "true". Forced faithfulness is not faithfulness at all in my opinion, and there are many GOOD honest men out there that I won't waste my time on someone whom isn't. I don't condone snooping, but you already have done so and found what you did. The question is what are you going to do about it? For me, those texts indicate he did, or planned on, cheating (and I would argue that it already crosses the line into cheating emotionally at the very least). I guess the bigger question is how do you plan on having an open and honest relationship where the trust is shot in the first place, and where the honesty is apparently already lacking? Being able to look at his phone is not going to MAKE him more trustworthy if he isn't - he will just hide things better. Link to comment
EmotionalCreature Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 even if i am not cheating , i have a problem with my gf going through my phone because a. its my phone , not hers. if she wants to go through my phone , she needs to ask my permission as it can have sensitive information like work related stuff or other data which can be a risk if it comes out. its much more than a phone nowadays. Also sometimes we joke around with people or write something sarcastic to someone for fun, or someone decided to send random messages and these can cause misunderstanding in relationship. I could be writing a message to my friend saying I can't attend such and such event because I have to go here and there, just to politely turn down the request and if my SO see it on my phone and misunderstanding could happen. Link to comment
EmotionalCreature Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 RayKay I agree totally with your first paragraph, but your second and the rest are just jumping the gun to conclusion and quite condemning. Do not fuel the fire, she should evaluate it herself based on the facts not assumptions. Flirting with someone doesn't mean he is 100% cheating, it is normal, but how far ones take it to will define what sort of person they are. Though he might be guilty of putting himself in the situation he knows what it may lead to. Get a grip, the world is not that bad. Link to comment
Olive.Juice Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 I second Entomon's statement. I wouldn't mind my significant other going through my stuff unless I was trying to hide something. If I were you I would be trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship. I third that. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 RayKay I agree totally with your first paragraph, but your second and the rest are just jumping the gun to conclusion and quite condemning. Do not fuel the fire, she should evaluate it herself based on the facts not assumptions. Flirting with someone doesn't mean he is 100% cheating, it is normal, but how far ones take it to will define what sort of person they are. Though he might be guilty of putting himself in the situation he knows what it may lead to. Get a grip, the world is not that bad. I never said the world was "that bad". I am just saying how I would feel. If I felt the compulsion to snoop - it is because there are trust issues - whether because he did something, or because of my own insecurity. I am not a very jealous person at all, so if something is ticking in me that is saying something is not right, I know it is because something really is NOT right. Something in her gut had her checking up on him, and desiring to check up on him, and she needs to think about that. In my experience, and own perspective, if I felt that way it would be time for me to evaluate things from as objective as a perspective as I could. Everyone has their own boundaries, for me, texting other women that you are horny crosses my boundaries and goes beyond innocent flirting. Yes people flirt. But I think telling other women you are horny is beyond flirting. You can of course set your own boundaries, but those are mine and having those boundaries has worked for me. As I said, for ME personally it is emotional cheating. She can think otherwise, I never said she had to believe the same. But it is how *I* feel and I have every right to feel that way - those are *my* boundaries. My partner and I have a lot of trust and respect for one another, and a lot of freedom, however both of us would feel that telling others you are horny and hinting at wanting something would be cheating. I also stick to saying that you can't force someone to be faithful, and if the only way you can trust them is to snoop or follow them - it is not a healthy relationship. The poster herself said she has very little trust in her relationship, for me, if there is no trust...there is nothing. Trust is part of the essential foundation for a healthy relationship. Link to comment
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