She has a boyfriend, but feelings for me too...

[MySecretStory]

EDIT: Thanks for the help guys!

[Weeblie]

I don't think you're crazy, but I do think you're in a crappy situation. As wonderful as this girl is, she's cheating on her boyfriend. And I'm sure I don't have to explain to you the logic that comes along with that simple fact.

 

I think you need to step back from your relationship to her. Right now she's having her cake and eating it too. If you want her to leave her boyfriend, then I think you need to make it clear that she can't be with you if she's still with him.

[lana111]

you are not crazy at all, but she has a bf and thats that. the ball is in her court. no matter how great you are for her, she still needs to make the decision to dump her bf and pursue you.

 

also make sure you arent confusing lust and "love". even cuddling is lustful although it doesnt appear to be.

 

ive had similar situations many times before and this last time i knew the feeling i had for a guy were more than lust and i left my bf of 5 years for him. looking back i realized all those other guys who i thought were something special, werent, it was just exciting and lustful.

[watupgangsta]

i would tell her that she needs to take her pick, and if she doesn't pick you, you're leaving. stick up for yourself. show her that you know what you want (what you both really want) and that you're not going to let all your time, energy, and emotion be taken for granted. theres a chance you could lose her friendship. but it doesn't sound like its really her friendship you want. you want to be with her, so you gotta take a chance.

[blender]

Yep, it's not an emotionally healthy or classy situation for you to ALLOW YOURSELF to be involved in.. your heart is at stake her, and your integrity as well.

 

So next time you talk to her let her know in a kind way that you are having feelings for her, and that you don't think it is right to keep seeing each other because it's too tempting and as long as she is still invovled with someone else you think it's best not to see each other, maybe in time you can be friends but right now you've come to close to crossing that bridge so best to step back out of respect for her relationship.

 

Even if she doesn't have the will power to step back at the very least YOU should.. that is the ONLY way she will ever define you as something more than the "guy on the side" who boosts her ego, gives her a sense of "newness" and is a safety net when she's away from home.. you want "more" than that in the long run with ANY girl whom you might start falling for, so it's up to you to behave in a way that is classy and self respecting regardless of her lack of will power.. you have to have yours intact.

 

If you keep this up, you can get hurt, she can eventualy resent you, her relationship would end on a bad note because of any deception or betrayal.. and her guy will be very hurt.. you wouldn't want your girl doing this to you.. so don't share in doing it to someone else.. let go, move on, and tell her that for now it's "too tempting" to be hanging out because she is not free to pursue you and you do not feel respectfully free to pursue another guys girlfriend...period.

[sti_2004]

yea like they ^ said.

 

except i think your crazy.

 

what comes around goes around. you shouldn't be in bed with other dudeszszs girlfriends... id be smoking and depressed to if i was her long distance bf. hey you could be doing him a favor.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

Temptation is hard to resist,the same thing happened to me once and it's like you can't stop.However looking back now I wished I had the strength to say no in the early stages and back away.Because I fell in love with her and she choose to remain with him.Before this happens to you make your stand now.

[Xx7shadesRedxX]

I gotta go with Weeblie on this one.

 

it's wonderful to find someone that you feel you have a genuine connection with and while you do not owe her boyfriend anything which might personally justify your actions, maybe she still feels she owes her boyfriend something... such as her honesty... an explanation... however she intends to deal with this situation i certainly hope it works out to both your benefit!

 

i gotta tell you, though... i'd be cautious of what kind of emotional investment to make in this girl - especially being that she's currently involved in two intimate relationships. i hope you see a decision has to be made here of who's whose... and being that you're the one waiting, that decision is not quite yours.

 

good luck!

[MySecretStory]

Hey Guys (and Gals)

 

Thanks for all the advice.

 

I understand the whole backing away thing, and I should do that for respect to myself. But I can't go on just not being friends with her, we were best friends before this, and no matter what happens I would like it to be that way after this. Its not emotionally and physically possible (because I see her everyday in school) to just cut off our friendship. Although as emotions, I suppose I should cut off the 'more than friends' ones.

 

As for what she has done, its not a 'she gets her cake' situation. She feels absolutely horrible for what she did, and isn't proud at all. She has said sorry numerous times to me and feels like * * * * for what she did to him.

 

IDK, its just a very confusing/ * * * * ty situation.

[JadedStar]

She is cheating on her b/f with you. If you are ever the b/f you will always be paranoid whenever she gets a close male friend...think about it.

 

If she is capable of doing this to one guy she can do it to another. Don't over romanticize this and think it could never happen again if you dated her. It can. She likes the thrill of the chase.

 

As for what she has done, its not a 'she gets her cake' situation. She feels absolutely horrible for what she did, and isn't proud at all. She has said sorry numerous times to me and feels like * * * * for what she did to him.

 

I am not trying to minimize anything here, but hon, that is what they all say. DO you think cheaters say "wow this feels great, i love doing this!" ? OF course not. She knows if she did you'd be out of there in a heartbeat.

[Xx7shadesRedxX]

^ she ain't lying, mysecretstory.

[itsallgrand]

Weakness isn't love. It's weakness.

 

To get together based on actions that are weak, the entire foundation is weak and not to be trusted.

 

You can get a quick bit of groping, at the cost of being an honorable young man.

 

And later, when she is out of the picture, you don't think the young women who COULD be good to you and have the strength to do the right thing (especially when it is hard) won't have noticed this about you?

 

The cost to get with her isn't just the risk of not really getting her. The cost is in yourself, and with other girls too.

 

Women don't want weak men who go for fast scraps.

 

You need a new best friend if this is the sort of friend she is.

[JadedStar]

Great post itsallgrand. OP, you need a new best friend. This one has already gone beyond boundaries it shouldn't have. You are settling for scraps. Itsallgrand put this very well.

 

YOu have not found a better woman because you are fooling around with this taken girl. Instead of bumping foreheads with her you should be out there enjoying life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So it was two girls, plus me and my crush (yes, I was pimpin, except not ). In the middle of the night, I was just starring at my crush. She was starring at me. Then she started playing this game with my finger and her lips, and it lead to us hooking up (with two of our friends on the bed sleeping, scary and sick, I know). I was really good.

 

I really don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror. This is rather revolting. You seem so proud of yourself for having sex with another man's girlfriend while her two friends are lying in the bed sleeping! Aside from the lack of integrity you are showing by messing around with someone who is attached, this little porn star scenario is quite classless. I think you are the last person who should be criticizing her boyfriend. Take a good long look at your own actions. As for her...well, I doubt that she feels that horrible...and if she cheated on her now boyfriend with you...chances are if you become her boyfriend, she will cheat on you as well. She was definitely up for it and did her fair share of initiating things. She is also quite classless having sex with you in front of an audience (I am sure the friends were not actually asleep and knew what was going on). I don't think that would have been a very comfortable situation for the friends.

[JadedStar]

That night, we slept in our friends dorm because our friend pushed her and her roommates beds together to make a giant bed (we're a really close group of friends). So it was two girls, plus me and my crush (yes, I was pimpin, except not ). In the middle of the night, I was just starring at my crush. She was starring at me. Then she started playing this game with my finger and her lips, and it lead to us hooking up (with two of our friends on the bed sleeping, scary and sick, I know). I was really good. So for our remaining 2 days at school, we were kissing and talking whenever everybody had their backs turned.

 

I missed this first go.

 

yeah, that is Classless with a capital "C". You're pimpin alright. And she is...??

 

I didn't even realize you had sex - with an audience in the room no less - the first time i responded.

[blender]

Okay forgive yourself and now CHOOSE TO LEARN from this, and do not allow yourself to let your "feelings" lose control over your choice of behavior.. choose to be respectful, decent, loving, kind and classy and stop this "on the side romance" now so you can attract a healthier, reliable, honest, SINGLE girl into your life..

 

and who knows maybe this girl will rise to the level of maturity if you set some respectful boundaries about this situation and how YOU are willing to walk away out of respect for her relationship... maybe she will "discover" what "respect" means to you and find some inside of herself for not only her boyfriend but for the pattern she may develop in life regarding honesty in relationships.. don't choose to be a part of a club with NO integrity.. it will only leave you feeling "less".

[thyroxine]

A very good friend of mine is in a similar situation. He (Jay) and his best friend (Matt) met this girl (Ally) who instantly clicked into their small friend group. They all became best friends...and then she hooked up with Matt one night. Since that night, it's been a rollercoaster ride that I hear all about. Jay loves Ally, Matt loves Ally. Matt is now in a relationship with Ally (for about a year now), but Ally loves Jay as well as Matt. Not long ago, Jay realized that Ally will not leave Matt for him. Jay has decided to move away from all of this and after he informed Ally and Matt of this decision, they told him they were planning on moving in together...which of course crushed him even more than this whole fiasco already has. (For the record, Ally has not cheated on Matt in the traditional sense, but her and Jay have their cuddly moments when Matt is not around.)

 

It's a crazy story and I don't know if that makes sense, but the point I was trying to make is if she is anything like Ally, she's in love with her boyfriend and doesn't plan on leaving him. Yes, she sounds like she truly has feelings for you, but like my friend's situation, she really does sound like she's having her cake and eating it to. It may not be a (perceived) malicious act on her part, but chemistry like this is hard to overcome and she may just feel it's easier to have things as they are happening now. It's killing Jay that he has to move away from Ally, and it is also killing Ally that she won't have as close contact with Jay anymore...but while she doesn't realize it's for the best, he does. Just take a step back and look at the whole situation and all the others' posts as they are all good advice!

[Momene]

Long term, I don't think she'll be with either of you. Her boyfriend may be deadbeat but he's still the one she's with.

 

Perhaps also she wants to be sure of you before dumping him. If you really have a lot in common, you might stick together but when you leave college and don't study together, she may cling to another friend.

[MySecretStory]

Hey Guys, thanks again for the advice!

 

Let me clear something up: WE DID NOT HAVE SEX! In NO way would I risk myself like that (already more than I have).

 

Teenage lingo: hooking up = making out = kissing.

 

I definitely appreciate all your advice. Of course backing off it much easier said then done, especially when emotions are involved. And it isn't just physical emotions. Yes, we did some (non)innocent kissing. But besides the 'actions', we have had more memories in the past 4 months that I made in my previous 2-year relationship. I suppose this is no excuse for me to stay attached and for her to make a choice, but it hurts that she won't just give me a chance.

 

IDK, I guess the best move is backing off. In no way can I not be friends with her though, as hard as it will be to just be friends, I can't let go of the amazing friendship we had before all this started (as naive as it sounds). Cutting off my emotions will be a challenge, but I'm up for it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Regardless, she still cheated on her boyfriend. If you had a girlfriend, would you be happy with her cuddling, sleeping next to and passionately kissing another man? I doubt it. Walk away from this and re-claim your integrity. I am not so sure she is such an amazing friend...I think what she has shown you are her true colours...she lacks loyalty.

[maxo]

First off, I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this very long story and gives their opinion: Thank you!

...

 

Am I crazy?

 

Let me know what you think, and thanks again for your time and advice!

 

This will end with all three of you hurting very badly. If you want it to work out well, talk to the boyfriend now and set up a "V" polyamorous relationship based on honesty, trust, and love.

 

If you want to be suicidal, possibly killed, possibly see her killed, be emotionally destroyed for months if not years, waste several years of your life with a woman who can easily cheat on you ( oh yea-- if she cheats on HIM, she will also cheat on YOU.

 

True story: You can find it elsewhere here. My girlfriend who I was head over heals in love with tearfully revealed on October 30th that she had been seeing another rich man during business hours. He found out about *me* actually and insisted she break it off with me once they were "in love". She firmly wanted to keep me and him and pulled us back each time we tried to do the decent thing and break it off.

 

So around the third bounce, I wandered in and saw her email account up and decided I was going to read it to find out the truth.

 

The truth was that yes, she had been seeing bill for 11 months (me for 10 years-- the last 4 very seriously "one on one" according to her). And the truth was that she had been seeing Bert for 2 years. And the truth was that she had been seeing Dennis for 3 years. And there was "DJ", and a couple others where it was not so clear- but their emails called her "beautiful" and talked about their "special afternoon" meetings.

 

And she told them ALL that they made her feel very special and she told them ALL that she would "see them in her dreams" and other * * * * like that. I figure, if it works for her once, she uses it on others after that.

 

Now she's pretty screwed up- because she really does love Bill and I fiercely-- him because he had 5 hours a week with her during the day and helped her a lot (and apparently spent a ton of money on her during the last 11 months like $5k to $8k) and he has a ranch she dearly loves (and a wife!) -- me because we've been together a long time and have a lot of history with me helping her, listening to her, giving her her first g-spot orgasm, etc.

 

I alluded to the other guys in an email to bill and he sent one to her saying how he wasn't going to be fooled by me-- he trusted her.

 

So here is the basic deal. You are about to give your heart to someone you can't trust. * * * * her if you must. But if you fall in love, you deserve every minute of the several months of agony you will feel. For me (and bill), we were horribly tormented for months because she wouldn't end it with us and kept trying to balance between us.

 

Now I'm a polyamorous guy given the right circumstances (open- honest) but bill was not and he was very hostile to me and assumed he would take her (and keep his wife) and that got me pretty pissed off at him. So there is no way we can build a healthy poly relationship now.

 

The BEST thing you can do is get proof of what you are doing with her, and then have an open honest chat with her SO. At the least since you will be burning her super badly when she is young, she may not savage several other men's lives later.

[PixelPusher]

I tend to agree with the others that you're in a sticky situation that has a small chance of ending well. You and this girl obviously have feelings for each other but are you sure that they're true? Meaning: You just got out of a relationship and most likely are very emotionally fragile and she is in a terrible relationship and is looking for someone to validate that she is wanted.

 

She needs to either break up with this guy, find herself, be happy with herself, and THEN possibly pursue a relationship with you. But right now she is too confused to do so. And I"m sorry to say that it will be impossible to "stop" your feelings and just be friends at this point.

 

And in my brutally honest opinion... I wouldn't date her anyway. She is CHEATING on her boyfriend with you. Instead of facing her problem with him and dealing with it, she is running away to you. Unless she conquers this problem, she will continue to repeat it with you, and with all the guys AFTER you. Will you be okay with her running off and sleeping in a bed and making out with her guy "friend" when YOU two have a fight?

 

I'm not saying it won't or can't work, or that your feelings for each other aren't true, but it seems to me you both are in emotionally fragile states and just happened to be there for each other. Once you heal (if you allow yourself time alone TO heal) and she leaves this guy (and can heal from it) will your feelings still be there?

 

Sorry to be such a downer, but it is just something you need to think about.

[MySecretStory]

Yeah, thanks again for the help. There is just so many unsaid things on the situation. I mean, I'm completely over my last relationship (and I'm not just saying that, I'm mature enough to admit that I am fine and glad its over, it was not a good one). As for her, its not that she got in a fight with her boyfriend or anything like that, she was on good terms with him completely. I guess that doesn't make it any better.

 

IDK, I'll take all advice into consideration and hopefully I can get a grip on my feelings.

 

Thanks guys!

[maxo]

Dude,

If you want to try this in a positive way- watch "summer lovers" and broach a three way relationship with the boyfriend before anything happens.

 

Either they will break up (and she would then be available) or you will have a nie summer of fun while you are young (and may find out you are poly).

 

Monogamy works for most people. But for another very large group of people polygamy works better. But it is usually unstable. Monogamy seems to expose us to much harder emotional damage (because we are depending on only one person for sex and romantic love) but society provides it better support.

[blender]

mysecretstory, It seems you ultimately hope to be in a monogamous loving mature relationship...and it doesn't seem (as "maxo" posted) that you are the kind of guy who wants to "share" your intimate relationships with a third person, (heck you already have anxiety when she's home visiting "him")so take the high road that works best within your own personal VALUES AND STANDARDS. You like this girl, unfortunately she has a boyfriend, so when and if she ever CHOOSES to be single you will THEN have a respectful option to pursue her, but for now you will step WAAAAY back so that you both don't end up resenting each other for being "cheaters"..