Is this a good way for me to start thinking?

[HajiMaji]

I think one of my problems with this break up was feeling like my love is no good. Like when you are rejected, its rough. Its easy to feel inadequate, and more than anything else I felt like my love was inadequate.

 

That feeling sucks, and its sorta funny to me. I spent a lot of time in my life trying to learn about how to be a strong, patient, and caring person. How could all the time be wasted? It certainly wasnt, but yet somehow I still felt like my love was just undeveloped or something due to the failure of the relationship. I felt it was almost defective.

 

So now that a lot of time has passed, I catch myself feeling as confident and loving as I ever had. Its a good feeling. Sometimes though, I catch a bad thought popping into my head and saying, "David, your love cant be that strong and healthy. If it were, your relationship would never have ended."

 

But I do feel like my love is healthy and strong. I do feel like I know what im doing as much as anyone does. By breaking up with me, my ex basically told me that my love was inadequate. I dont really agree, but i mean I tried as hard as I could with her. Thats why i think i tricked myself into believing it for so long. If i gave her everything and she thought it was bad, then I assumed there was some truth to it.

 

So i guess, what do I do with this? Decide that I am a good person capable of successfull love? That sounds good to me! Maybe I dont have major problems holding me back. How do I really know? I feel like i have a lot to learn, but you know what? it. I have a lot going on for myself. I am a real confident and loving person. I am thinking about just deciding that I dont have any inadequacies, regardless of what happened between me and my ex and moving on.

 

Does that sound about right? Its starting to feel like the right thing to do. I mean, I dont want to limit myself and not change underdeveloped parts of myself, but I cant think of anything specific holding me back. So maybe I felt bad before, but theres really no point anymore. I feel like I am fine right now. I feel capable to give healthy love to someone. Should I just accept this feeling and roll with it? Sometimes I see people use this type of feeling as a defense mechanism real quick after a break up, so I dont want to be doing something like that.

 

Sorry it got so long. Each time I make a post I swear I will be concise, but it never works out.

 

And happy New Year to everyone

[poohkins]

Wow - if you're only 23, you know more about love than most people twice your age. I'm a 45-year-old woman and I can relate to what you're feeling. However, at least you have the courage and capacity to really love and try to work things out, instead of just running away, like so many people do. Some girl is going to be very lucky to get you someday. You sound like a keeper to me.

[HajiMaji]

Haha! Well, you are sweet. Thanks for saying that

[shell80]

"David" - you are definitely wise beyond your years, and your posts have made me think in a new way - so thankyou for that. Your take on things is very refreshing.

 

I too, felt like I, and my love wasn't enough.... however I now realise that it was he who had the issues and who for some reason couldnt accept what I was offering... (which was a pretty fine offer actually . After we get dumped we tend to blame ourselves adn think that it was us. That is usually rubbish... we just need to start believing in ourselves again.

[need2bme]

Haji: A very good friend taught me this; and it took a very long time to sink...

 

"We are not responsible for someone elses actions are how they take what we say."

 

She did not mean that we don't take responsibility for hurting someone with malice, but that if we have done something good or within our boundaries or to protect ourselves, then it isn't "wrong" if the other person cannot see it.

 

I have for so long judged myself by others standards, that I didn't even know what mine were. If I could just be good enough. If I could just love hard enough. I would end up hurting the other person anyway.

 

Case in point:

 

The other night I am at a club. The KJ is walking around giving neon arm bands to the girls. Two girls at the table accross from mine were drinking heavily. They were grinding and dancing with everyone, while their guys were at the table. So, one of the girls bands pops off and lands between our tables. She waves her arms madly to get my attention and when I look at her, she simply points down and basically commands me to get it. I did and then said to her guy, "uh, oh, I feel sorry for you dude". I was joking and he laughed. She didn't.

 

So, when they leave, her friend bends over and says in my ear, "you know, you are an ass". Hmmm. I thought at first, that I should be upset. Then I thought, hey, it isn't my fault she is drunk out of her mind. I looked at her guy and said, what the "blank" was that. He just laughed and did the "she had to much to drink" signal.

 

My point is, you sound like a decent guy. Change things if you want them changed. Try not to read too much into too much. I know easier said then done, because I overanalyze EVERYTHING and it has helped to kill some relationships.

 

Remember that the very fact that you question these things, mean you are a respectful, kind and loving person. Also, remember that there will be girls who might leave for reasons other than the ones you think about.

 

You can only be responsible for how you react to a situation.

[just M.E.]

Hey there ... You know my feelings on this.

You, of all the people I know here, are exceptional in your understanding and depth. You know how to love, you are a giving and sharing person.

 

Remember?

"One of my thoughts was that when you love someone in the right way and for the right reasons, your soul knows that is how you are supposed to love. When someone lets you down as our ex's have, it is hard to change that love, deep inside we still feel this is how we are supposed to love but we can't see that it isn't who we are supposed "

 

You really do know how, I know that, you have expressed so much here that only comes from the heart and mind of someone who really knows how to love and give. Never doubt that about yourself!

 

A very good 2008 to you!!!!

[beebee]

haj... go for it!... lol...

 

your a sweet guy who has a lot to offer someone and of course, your capable of loving someone... just a thought though... please make that "someone" who your family will accept, so that you wont find yourself in the same position later... and also, dont force yourself to love someone because your family may approve... make sure shes the right one for you... take your time, finish your studies and make a success of yourself... if love bumps into you, then grab it!... dont let it go!...

 

your terrific and i see wonderful things for you in the future...

 

God bless... beebee

[yellow_sweater]

Sorry it got so long. Each time I make a post I swear I will be concise, but it never works out.

 

LOL... write until you are done, then stop. Not a word more; not a word less. You write well!

 

Yes, I think you should accept the feeling that you're having. I think what you're experiencing is part of the process of healing: accepting and moving on.

 

When a relationship that you value ends, it is so easy to feel like you have failed. You think, "If only I were more ___, less___, hadn't done ___, had actually ___, then we would still be together." Sometimes--most times?--there is nothing you can do to save a relationship between two people who are fundamentally incompatible. Of course, you could be more ___, less ___, and actually do ___, but if you are already being essentially yourself, that would require NOT being yourself to save the relationship. I say: NO relationship is EVER worth NOT being yourself. Better to find someone who loves you because of who you are, not who you are trying to be.

 

But what if you felt that your ex-partner was fundamentally compatible with you? What if s/he were actually The One? Nope. Part of compatibility is equality: you feel the same for each other. Your love is reciprocated. If your partner is now an ex-partner, it is highly unlikely that you are actually compatible with them.

 

So, if I may read into your words a little, I think you are recognizing that you are ok with who you are and that you recognize objectively that you're a good person. If your ex-partner doesn't want to be with you, it's not that you are tragically flawed, it's just that they are looking for something different. Not better, just different. This is normal, natural, and healthy: there are 6 billion people on this earth, and you are not going to be compatible with all 6 billion.

 

To relate this to my own experience (four months out of a seven year relationship)... I tried for so long to make my ex-partner happy. When things ended, I did have a moment of feeling like I had failed him and us. My love "clearly" was inadequate, because if it were adequate, we'd still be together. Fortunately, the moment passed very quickly. I had a moment, inspired by my mother, where my blessings socked me full in the face. (See ) Haven't looked back since.

 

Don't apologize for being strong. Don't apologize for having love to give. Don't apologize for being you.

 

YS

[pryda]

I felt similar for a while, but then I realised that my break-up was nothing to do with my love being inadequate - she was just unwilling to appreciate it and return it.

 

I'll feel inadequate when I see her with someone better than me - and I know that's not gonna happen! I treated her right, we were so suitable, I understood her in a way no-one else ever has (she said this herself), and I know she'll struggle to find an adequate replacement for me. Of course she doesn't see it that way at the moment and there's a possibility she never will, but that doesn't mean I have to feel bad about myself. I know my own value!

[JerryG]

Hey,

 

I haven't read any of your earlier posts, but judging by this one I can say that we seem to be arriving at a similar place with regards to self-love and you seem spot on.

 

Two books I would suggest you look at are:

 

"Zen and the Art of Falling in Love" by Brenda Shoshanna and

"Teachings on Love" by Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Jerry

[HajiMaji]

I really appreciate the responses. First off, with basically everyone's replies, I guess it wouldnt sound like a bad idea to roll with this line of thinking. Im feeling pretty good about it. So thanks for helping me come to this decision. We'll see how well I can do all this. Im sure I will still feel sad or lonely at times. Ill try though!

 

shell80 - After we get dumped we tend to blame ourselves adn think that it was us. That is usually rubbish... we just need to start believing in ourselves again.

 

I am a good example of this. My ex breaks up with me and finds someone else, making me feel like I wasnt doing something right. It took me along time to even consider that I wasnt flawed.

 

And thanks for the compliments. They help.

 

need2bme - You can only be responsible for how you react to a situation.

 

That is pretty simple. I thought about it a little bit too. Each time any one of my ex lovers has communicated a specific problem to me, it was extremely easy to react in a way that fixes the issue. This made me feel better about myself, and made me feel like certain ex's actions were the problem. I am definitely blessed with an understanding demeanor that makes that stuff pretty easy, but I have not had many exes with the courage to openly communicate.

 

just M.E. - Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes you can have a million feelings going on, good and bad. Reminding me which ones are of value is appreciated a lot. Thanks for having so much faith in me. 2008 will be good (hopefully for both of us!!)

 

beebee - thanks for the positivity and everything. Regardless what happens with anything, I am going to try and live well. After reading what you said about waiting and taking time to make success for myself made me think. A lot of people have told me to focus on other stuff, and maybe i was too hurt at the time or maybe it just didnt click, but I think I can do this. All I can ever do in life is be myself. With no partner in my life, this means do everything I do now, continue in school until I get my phd and the career I want. Being myself is inheritely rewarding and enjoyable. Being with someone is great, but that really doesnt change who I am. I still get to be myself. So really, thats where the focus should be. Finding someone new shouldnt be a focus because I cant do anything with that. Itll happen if its going to happen. I might as well spend time living my life.

 

yellow_sweater - Yeah, you pretty much hit it. You know, I read that thread you linked, and what your mom said was very genuine. It made me almost want to cry! You know, I feel that way about myself too, and there is no reason not to accept it. My ex did break up with me, so it had me thinking i lacked those qualities I previously felt so strong in. I would thank your mom if I could because reading your account of your story really made me feel that it was ok to go on believing what I already pretty much do. Anyway, thanks for your response.

 

pryda - This is what im starting to believe too. Although, my ex has already found someone and hes not a bad guy at all.

 

Jerry - Haha, yeah man.. Self love is the way to go! I will check out those books though.

[love4life]

HajiMaji,

You've got a great attitude at this point! I'm glad to hear that you're done questioning whether your love was good enough or healthy enough.

 

The truth is, we all muddle through life and relationships as best we know how and we can't beat ourselves up if we don't always get the results we want. As long as you were true to yourself, your love and your relationship was successful!

 

You have more than enough love to share and I'm sure your love is as good as it gets!

[Lora828]

Just because you and your ex weren't right doesn't mean YOU aren't right. Hold on to your confidence in yourself... it sounds like you have a lot to give.

[need2bme]

Just because you and your ex weren't right doesn't mean YOU aren't right. Hold on to your confidence in yourself... it sounds like you have a lot to give.

 

Actually, it doesn't mean that EITHER of them aren't right (yes I know you were not impying that SHE was the issue ).

 

I am realizing that MAYBE, my ex DID break up for the right reasons. She did not do it in the right way, but she did it in probably the only way that would give her strength. How do you stand in front of someone and tell them, you don't love them enough, or in THAT way?

 

Your posts and threads help me immensly. I used to think that I needed to be so logical and not worry about feelings, at all. I know to live life, we must be both logical and emotional, but I am choosing to think in a way that allows me to KNOW that it is ok to feel.

 

As a teenager, we would run with the phrase, "Question Authority". I may believe in that somewhat, but I feel more as if it should be "Question Everything!"

 

I don't mean that we should feel as if we have to defend everything we say or look for hidden agendas; but moreso, is our heart in the right place? Are we doing the honorable thing? Is this emotion REALLY telling me what I think it is?

 

Haji, I can tell by your posts that you are an honorable man and that is really all that matters in the end. Take what happens and what is said in your relationships and find if they support your foundational beliefs, if they don't, then you can either toss them or DECIDE if your beliefs need to change. It is how we grow.

 

You are doing just fine at 23 my brother...