guessjeans Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 My ex husband and I were together for over 26 yrs, we have a 20 yr old son together who has been ill for the past 6 months. We separated 4 yrs ago, but we really were each others best friend throughout the entire time we have been separated. I really do still love him a lot, and still have very strong feelings for him. Since October, he has started to date his secretary at the office in which he works. The dating occurred while at work, so when she left her husbands house and got a legal separation, they immediately began sleeping with each other, and have been inseparable since. I have accepted that he has moved on but I have very limited contact with him now, and he and I really havent spoken like we use to since he started to see this woman. This is his first relationship since we separated, and when he announced it to my son and I, he said to me afterwards that he wants this relationship to work, that he is going to try harder for this one, and that eventually they will probably move in together. He said its just companionship, I wont ever get married again. So everything seemed almost cast in stone as to their future together. So it hurt even more, the finality of our time together, but I knew this day would come. He mentioned a few months back, before he started seeing this woman, that he was thinking of getting a new mattress, and that the one he has now, which is only a couple of years old, said he would give it to our son. My son could use a new one, and we both said it would be a great idea. While, he is now seeing this woman, and I know they are sleeping together..he calls and leaves a message for my son that he has bought himself a new mattress, and that he can have his old one. Tell me if I am wrong, but do I really want a mattress in my home that the two of them have had sex on? Since I am the sole caregiver for our son, I am the one that changes the bed every week. Do i really need to be reminded that the two of them had sex together on this bed that I am changing the linen on ?? Why couldnt he see that it would be alittle inappropriate? Is he that stupid! I told my son, thanks, but no thanks! I dont want it in my home, that when I can afford to buy him one, I will buy him one, less the girlfriends DNA all over it. Well i didnt say that, but I thought it. Am i wrong in saying no thanks! that it really isnt appropriate? guessjeans Link to comment
delerium6 Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 I don't think you're wrong. If having an object in your home (whether it's a mattress or anything else) is going to conjure up images in your mind and be emotionally troubling, then it shouldn't be in the house. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Okay, I read your other posts and I think that your bitterness towards your ex is causing you to cut off your nose to spite your face. Your son is ill and he could use a better mattress. You ex just got a new mattress and is willing to give his son (the one you say he doesn't bother with that much) the old mattress. Mattresses don't come cheap and from what you wrote, at this point in time you can't afford a new mattress for him. Yes, they may have had sex on that mattress, but really, the mattress probably had a mattress cover and sheets over it so you really think sex stains are on the mattress! I doubt it...this is just your bitterness taking over. Why does your mind have to think about the sex they had everytime you see that mattress. You had your chance with the ex...you were apart for four years and that was YOUR choice. I know there were issues in the marriage and that is why you ended it...but 4 years after the fact he is entitled to move on and you should not be feeling bitter about the fact that he is having sex with someone else...I can understand if the breakup was just recent, but four years later...no...your son is ill and deserves a better mattress...I am sure you will be able to handle making the bed...over time that will become more and more you son's bed and less and less the "he had sex with her" bed. Link to comment
v-neck Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Is this dude really that out of it? I'd tell him why you don't want the mistress, i mean matress and say throw it away. Matresses aren't terribly expensive these days a good one $200-300 for a queen-size. Don't beat yourself up, 4 years is a long time to be apart. My cousins mom is going throught he same thing with her exhusband, married for 20 years w/two kids in 20's, it's just weird to the kids seeing there parents with other people. You'll be allright, just decline the matress, ok? `v-neck Link to comment
Entomon Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 My qualm is not having the object that he may have had sex with his girlfriend in your house - he is a selfish father - his first priority should have been to buy his sick son a new mattress rather. Link to comment
DN Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 I think it is hard to call him a selfish father. But the main issue is that the mattress is not for you - it is for your son. I think having said it's OK before it would make you look a little pathetic to refuse it now especially if you had to state the reason why. Link to comment
Entomon Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 I think it is hard to call him a selfish father. But the main issue is that the mattress is not for you - it is for your son. I think having said it's OK before it would make you look a little pathetic to refuse it now especially if you had to state the reason why. DN, if my son is sick and he is obviously in need of a new mattress, I'd buy him the new mattress and stick to my old one. And yes, he is self-centered - if I had sex on a mattress with another man other than my husband, I certainly wouldn't be so ill-considerate to hand down my children the item. Link to comment
Portage Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 However, you did seem quite content with taking the mattress before your husband started seeing this woman. I agree, it would be difficult accepting something that may have been 'soiled' in your mind's eye with this new relationship but, i would accept the mattress. Trust me, I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. Believe me. Your son would benefit from this mattress. You need to put all feelings aside and stick to the original plan. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 Your son benefits from the mattress.....remove the bitterness for this one and let him have it. it is understandable that you are still angry but as CAD said you had four years to mend the fences...now he has moved on. People even buy used mattresses from craigslist and such so i don't think the thing is going to be that tainted. As someone mentioned it would have had sheets and such on it. You can always buy a complete mattress cover for a fraction of the cost of a new mattress if that is the issue. Link to comment
DN Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 DN, if my son is sick and he is obviously in need of a new mattress, I'd buy him the new mattress and stick to my old one. And yes, he is self-centered - if I had sex on a mattress with another man other than my husband, I certainly wouldn't be so ill-considerate to hand down my children the item. His son presumably isn't sleeping on a board - he has a mattress but this one will be a little better. It's the sort of thing that happens in families all the time. I don't think his son will be worried about who did what while lying on it. Trying to make out his father is selfish and a bad father is a stretch. OP - this is much more about you wanting your ex back it seems to me - having read your other threads. Try to separate out your emotions about that from the purely practical - it's just a mattress. He is having sex with his new love on any mattress they happen to be on and that you can do nothing about. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 I think you should take this gift for your son. Link to comment
guessjeans Posted January 1, 2008 Author Share Posted January 1, 2008 Thanks for all your input. I dont want to sound or feel bitter at all. I am a very confident independent woman, and it has been hard for me to get passed my feelings for my ex husband. I have accepted it and I am trying to deal with it, when it is difficult because you share a child together. It can never be he goes his way, i go my way and we never know what is going on in each other"s life. But it continously opens wounds up that are trying to heal, and I am dealing with it, along with a very ill son that I am primary care giver for. Understand tho, that due to my son"s illness, I spend a lot of time in his room watching TV with him on his new TV, lying next to him until he falls asleep because he is scared of his heart palpations, etc. So we spend a lot of time together in his room, on his bed since he came down ill 6 months ago. Of course I will always do what is best for my son. My son"s current mattress isnt in bad shape or anything, his father"s mattress is just newer. I have told me son that whatever he wants, I will abide by his decision. What is best for him is what makes me happy. guessjeans Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 I just want to say that I recognize the burden you have taking care of your son in his current health problems. It's exhausting and you feel under appreciated by your ex... he gets on with his life while you play nurse to your son. That happened to me too! I was taking care of a two year old who was not doing well to the point of being removed from daycare... he was so distraught and aggitated and not functioning well that he needed me 24/7 and I still had to find a way to hold down a job, keep a roof over our heads and meet his special needs. My ex.... where was he???? Getting on with his life and not being the least bit bothered about my burden. I say that if your son wants the mattress he should have but I see and feel your discomfort. May you find peace and happiness in 2008 and I hope your son feels better soon. I will keep you in my prayers. Link to comment
guessjeans Posted January 1, 2008 Author Share Posted January 1, 2008 thanks! and yep..i hold down 2 jobs. I work 12 days straight, then get 2 days off, then work another 12 days. So i understand all too well. My feelings have to count for something, and if matt was out on his own, he should take the mattress by all means. But i wouldnt have to see it, change it, or lie on it now would I. It will be his decision. guessjeans Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 But i wouldnt have to see it, change it, or lie on it now would I. Guessjeans that sounds a bit selfish. You are not thinking about your son at all - this is a very me me me statement here.... IF this were a case where he walked out and left you for this secretary the bitterness would be more understandable. But if memory serves you had four years of being friends with him and could have gotten him back at anytime...you didn't ... you had to have known this man was not going to be celibate forever.... I don't think you are mad about the mattress at all> The mattress is just a symbol of your anger at yourself for not making a move sooner. I don't judge you, i am sure this is a hard pill to swallow, but it is healthiest if you really recognize this all for what is really going on... Link to comment
beebee Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 decline accepting the mattress... my thoughts would be that ill buy my son another... it would make me sick to constantly have that as a reminder... i wouldnt tell my ex why i dont want the mattress though because he will tell his new g/f... they will possibly laugh and call you foolish... to hell with them... the one thing that you wrote in your e was the fact that he said "im going to make this one work"... i heard that from my ex b/f also... constantly... its such a shame that they didnt try with us... also, if he has to "try" that hard, hes walking a hard uphill battle... i wish him luck... hugs... beebee Link to comment
JadedStar Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 its such a shame that they didnt try with us... also, if he has to "try" that hard, hes walking a hard uphill battle... i wish him luck... From what i understand he did try to get back wtih guess jeans... Link to comment
beebee Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 sorry jaded... thats what happens when you read only a few of the posts... lol... i do have to say though, that when someone says that to an ex, it means that they are going to "forgive" alot more then they did in their previous relationships... its easy in the beginning of a relationship because your "under the ether", as i call it... once you come out of it, your faced with the reality of life and all the things that interfere... if he said that to guessjeans, it means that he didnt really "try"... do you know what i mean?... i may be way off on this, but thats just how i feel... happy new year and hugs... beebee Link to comment
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