Always talking about ex... Red flag?

[thegirl_00]

I started dating someone about a month ago and he is really sweet (which is a nice change from what I'm used to). What i really like about him is how honest and trustworthy he is. We pretty much hit it off from the start, but I am starting to realize that he might not be over his ex.

 

Him and him ex dated for 3 years, they lived together, were planning on getting married, and all the other good stuff. He really loved her but she cheated on him with a co-worker and then she ended the relationship. He loved her so much he was willing to look past the fact that she cheated. I guess she wanted nothing to do with him, so the relationship ended about 10 months ago.

 

He told me he had many chances to date other people but he wanted to give himself time to get over his ex because he knew he wouldn't be giving anyone a fair chance when he was still heartbroken. From the start he talked about his ex a lot... just for the sake of conversation. I guess they were together a lot and shared a lot of memories so she was mentioned quite a bit. But lately I am noticing that he brings her up more then needed. Just today he pointed out a box of stuff he kept of "memories of her" (he didn't need to point this out but he did anyways). Also he talks very fondly of her and I even told me that "she will always have a place in his heart". To give a general idea of how much he talks about her, we were together for 6 hours and he brought her up 4 times (but keep in mind that he really likes to talk).

 

I asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said he doesn't feel anything when he thinks about her or talks about her, but he will never forget the memories and good times they had. I understand where he is coming from but I feel as though I have to live up to what they had and even though he says he is "over her" i still don't feel as though I am being given a fair chance.

 

Does anyone see this as a red flag? or is it normal to talk about an ex this much?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

are you the first girl he has dated since the break up?

 

Just by what you are saying ..keeping a box of memories..etc... he's not over her.

 

i wouldn't stop dating him altogether..but i would definitely not allow myself to develop strong feelings for him .. nor would i think of the relationship in terms of the "future".

[sweetharmony]

it might be that he still harbors feelings for his ex, but that is natural. that doesn't mean that he doesn't or won't develop feelings for you. he might be insecure and feel the need to bring it up...i have this bad habit, too...of always talking about the ex, b/c it's part of my past and like so many stories I tell involve the ex in some way...since I don't have so many friends and shared so many memories with my ex...BUT, it appears as though you are not a rebound. I would have a nice conversation with him and let him know nicely that while you do care for him and like to know about him and all of his past and life, that it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable that he brings up his ex more often than you'd prefer. (but, on the other hand, you've only been dating a month, so I'd really only bring that up if he continues-say in the next few months once you become closer). he might not realize that it bothers you and being that he likes to talk a lot, he might just be one of those people who lives in memories in the past, despite being every happy with you. just be patient and if you find that he continues to do it, or still harbour deep feelings, then maybe you can work through it as he develops feelings for you. sometimes those lingering little emotions we have for an ex don't go away until we fall in love again...But they should be placated and gone enough to not get in the way of your current relationship. good luck. if you find you can't handle it, and he still harbours too many feelings, then maybe he needs to work through them alone. but it seems long anough not to be a rebound.

[Seymore]

My girlfriend was engaged to her last serious bf and even ended up pregnant by him (had a miscarriage, though). They were together 2 1/2 years. I met her 3 months after she left him (due to abuse, alcoholism, etc), and while she doesn't bring him up often, certain places I want to take her on a date she won't go because she was there last with him, plus she has his phone number still in her cell, though she tells me it's so that she can screen his calls and know not to answer. She's just now getting rid of their old pictures from her computer, though all the ones on her myspace came down immediately after we started dating.

 

I understand there are many things that tied her to him very closely, and I don't expect that to fade overnight, and I told her that. The last LTR I was in, I couldn't even be in the CITY she lived in for over a year after we broke up. Too many memories.

 

Give it time. The box of memories...yeah, that's a bit much. Sit him down and tell him how you feel - that you feel like you need to live up to they had since he talks about her so much.

[Suesser Tod]

are you the first girl he has dated since the break up?

 

Just by what you are saying ..keeping a box of memories..etc... he's not over her.

 

i wouldn't stop dating him altogether..but i would definitely not allow myself to develop strong feelings for him .. nor would i think of the relationship in terms of the "future".

 

I keep boxes/bags of memories of every girl I've dated.

 

Should that stuff be thrown out?

[jengh]

i keep stuff too...its not that i still love the person but im very sentimental.. and I DO bring up exes a lot with guys i date...they were a part of my life.

[flower99]

I also keep memries of most of my ex's. Not because I still love them or want them, but because they were a part of my life.

 

honestly he may not realize how much he speaks of her. Maybe point it out casually.

I think my first couple relationships after my serious bf/finacee I mentioned him a lot. it wasn't till it was brought to my attention that I noticed how much I did it. And realized how uncomfortable it must make the other person.

 

There may still be lingering feelings, but maybe not. We never know. So enjoy him, but keep yourself guarded till you can be sure where he stands (not by his words but by his actions)

[jevonj77]

For a woman, I think it would mean something different than for a guy. But I see it as a potential red flag. The fact that he got dumped and not her...and that he was willing to look past the cheating let's me know he wasn't done with the relationship yet. She was done but not him. This is not the same as in when both parties mutually are tired of each other and just wish to move on and do.

 

I think you'd need to watch him...or ask him if she wanted to get back with him...would he run back to her? I'm not so sure from what you say that he wouldn't do that...at least for a little bit.

[DropToZero]

I also keep memries of most of my ex's. Not because I still love them or want them, but because they were a part of my life.

 

honestly he may not realize how much he speaks of her. Maybe point it out casually.

I think my first couple relationships after my serious bf/finacee I mentioned him a lot. it wasn't till it was brought to my attention that I noticed how much I did it. And realized how uncomfortable it must make the other person.

 

There may still be lingering feelings, but maybe not. We never know. So enjoy him, but keep yourself guarded till you can be sure where he stands (not by his words but by his actions)

 

Yeah I'm dating a girl casually right now...that is a lot like your first line, she talks about her ex's too much, and just says she can't help it cause they're "part of her life."

 

...Now that's fine, if that's true, and you're sure you're over your ex's....but that still doesn't mean I want to hear about them, at least not every frickin time we go out. And that's partly the reason I don't want to go out with her again.

 

To the OP though...just watch it, you can never be too sure. I can admit I ran back to an ex one time...big mistake, but I won't do it again. 3 years of dating is hard to compete with. I think if he keeps talking about her as you two date more often...then he's not over her.

 

I don't care what anyone says, he can go talk about his ex to someone else that doesn't know YOU, because I can probably speak for you in saying you don't want to hear it all the time. I do my damned best to never bring up past relationships when I'm out on a date, its a big turnoff...most people don't wanna hear it.

[thegirl_00]

I think I will take some of your guys' advice and point out how much he talks about his ex next time he mentions her. It never bothered me when he told past stories about him and his ex. However, when I asked him if he was over her he said "well, thats a tough question... I don't feel anything when i talk about her, but she will always have a place in my heart". Then when he pointed out the "box of memories"... That seemed like a little much.

 

I have been cheated on before, and even though he cheated on me I still had strong feeling for him until I was COMPLETELY over him. I am wondering if the reason why he is still so fond of her is because he feels the same way. I guess I will soon find out.

[SW]

My now ex girlfriend talked about her abusive ex all the time.....and she went went back to him.

[jevonj77]

I agree with droptozero...a lot. You know, my fiance now had a boyfriend with which she dated for some years. However...when she broke up with him she stayed away from him for about 6 months...and then she said she felt she was ready. Even though she was the one who broke up with him it took her that long to totally get over him. I can tell 100 percent whenever she speaks of him...which has only been about 5 times in the 2 and a half years we've been together...that she feels nothing for him and even if they were locked together in a room for some hours nothing would happen. Now that's her.

 

For me, I never speak about my exes with her...except in the early periods of our relationship. I wanted her to be clear on why we broke up, what I saw as significant differences between her and my ex and why I was so happy that I found her and didn't stay with my ex. But besides that...I have done so maybe 4 or 5 times within the 2 and a half years that we've been together. The over indulgence in it from a guys perspective...and to me( I'm speaking for the guys that I know now)...is a bad sign in my book...bad bad bad. Everyday? that's too much. He's still into her. Plus three years...that's a long time.

 

Besides that...this is one of the no brainers when it comes to dating: Don't talk about your ex.