When people think infants are TOYS...

[BellaDonna]

So I'm a first time mom to a wonderful 4-month old son who I love more than life itself. My husband and I both have very big families. This has always made the holiday season a bit stressful for us- because we end up "making the rounds" to a lot of houses so everyone can "see us" and no one gets their panties up in a bunch (sorry I'm in an annoyed mood lol)

 

But this year it was SO HECTIC now that we have a baby. EVERYONE wanted to see him, which I'm fine with- but my issue is that they do not really respect the fact that my son is a 4 month old infant.

 

The whole day he was treated like a toy. It was stressful to him to be passed around from person to person like a hot potato, to hear a lot of loud noise from people drinking too much wine and getting hyper- he kept getting the startle reflex. His naps were distrubed, his eating was disturbed, he was held all wrong (he has acid reflux and will spit up everywhere if he's not held upright). He cried for most of the day and wanted to be held by me or my husband, but people kept coming at him with cameras, wanting to "hold him", etc.

 

I know he is a baby and everyone loves him, but I guess my feelings are that he is a little person too, who has needs, and likes his space. I've never seen my little boy so stressed. I was getting very upset watching it on Christmas. It was just too much. My thoughts are that from now on, I will let him stay in his PJ's on Christmas morning and play with his toys, in his element. If people want to see him they can come over and visit at my place, where there won't be too much wine, where he can nap in his crib, and where I can be sure he is comfortable.

 

Another issue I had on the holidays with a new baby: My grandmother, God bless her, is in her 80's. A few years ago she fell and broke her hip. She is VERY UNSTEADY on her feet, and very clumsy in general (last time I was at her house she dropped an entire bowl of jello on the kitchen floor). Since my son was born she has been told by me, in the most gentle manner, and MANY times, that she must sit down when she holds him. If she ever fell or dropped him it would be a matter of life and death. Yet on Christmas when I was not looking, she picked up my son from his seat and proceeded to try to walk accross the kitchen with him. My responses was instant and protective and I ended up yelling accross the room "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO grandma, you can't walk with him!"

 

Now she is mad at me. I know it embarrassed her, and I apologized, but I am not sorry for not letting her walk with him, I am only sorry for yelling- but my protective instincts were in full force and I felt I had to do so to prevent a major accident.

 

I just wish people would respect the fact that an infant is not a toy. People seem to pursue their own selfish agendas with my child with little regard for his comfort or safety.

 

Am I being a smother mother, or has anyone else experienced this? -It made me glad that the holidays are OVER because it felt like Hell. I think things will be better when he is older and not so fragile.

 

BellaDonna

[DN]

There has to be a balance in things and certainly you need to protect your son against being dropped.

 

But children are remarkably resilient and, although routine is generally good for children, it is also good for them to have that routine disrupted once in a while - otherwise they will never learn to cope.

 

They also need to learn how to interact with other people and you should not protect them from that - family and trusted friends are naturally loving and interested in babies and that should be encouraged not discouraged.

 

You need to be careful that he doesn't rely only on you and your husband for his social and emotional interaction - and he needs to get that in other places than just your house.

 

The reflex actions you speak of are also normal.

[buckdawg]

regarding your grandmother issue, you're protective instincts kicked in. you don't have to apologize for that and you probably did the right thing. just think if the worse had happened. scary thought....

 

secondly, i know it can be stressful with a new baby having to visit family all the time this time of year but remember everyone has the best of intentions. if you feel the baby needs a break, go ahead and say so. if anyone has a problem with it then that's their problem. you have to do what you think is right.

[BellaDonna]

He seems fine when it's a few visitors- but after going to 3 houses and getting bombarded and passed around I could really see it stressing him out.

 

But children are remarkably resilient and, although routine is generally good for children, it is also good for them to have that routine disrupted once in a while - otherwise they will never learn to cope.

 

You're right though.

 

I have a feeling he'll end up being like me- a little introvert who hates having his routine disrupted. Poor kid. lol

[buckdawg]

He seems fine when it's a few visitors- but after going to 3 houses and getting bombarded and passed around I could really see it stressing him out.

 

 

 

You're right though.

 

I have a feeling he'll end up being like me- a little introvert who hates having his routine disrupted. Poor kid. lol

 

how do you know this after 4 months? lol

[DN]

but after going to 3 houses and getting bombarded and passed around I could really see it stressing him out.

In 30 years or so when he is a business executive or equivalent and is multi-tasking like crazy with different people bugging him for his time and attention, a wife and kids also requiring attention and a mother and father who need their share of his time - the coping skills he will need then are being acquired now.

[BellaDonna]

In 30 years or so when he is a business executive or equivalent and is multi-tasking like crazy with different people bugging him for his time and attention, a wife and kids also requiring attention and a mother and father who need their share of his time - the coping skills he will need then are being acquired now.

 

LOL...hopefully by then he won't be spitting up on people anymore either.

 

Am I evil? When people insist on holding him when he is upset and then he spits up all over them, I silently snicker to myself. :splat:

[DN]

LOL...hopefully by then he won't be spitting up on people anymore either.

 

Am I evil? When people insist on holding him when he is upset and then he spits up all over them, I silently snicker to myself. when you hand them the clean up bag and excuse yourself from the room.

 

Here's another thought - when responsible people are holding him you don't have to watch them or even be in the room. Take the time to interact with other family members and give yourself a break.

 

Oh yes, you can!!

[someguy88]

I think you're overreacting. I can't believe that you actually yelled at your grandmother. lol Why didn't you just walk over beside her and assume a "baby catching" position.

 

I can understand that you want to protect your child, but you must also realize that you're not the only person that can care for him. To say that "People seem to pursue their own selfish agendas with my child with little regard for his comfort or safety," is crazy talk. To be perfectly honest, you do sound like you're being a bit of a smother mother. He might be an infant but he's not made of glass. You're not the first person to ever have a baby. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

[rose2summer]

Hi Bella-

 

Sounds like Christmas was a bit more hectic than expected.

 

I think that watching over him is great, but like DN said, he needs to get his social interaction as well.

 

My parents babied me so much growing up, they didn't want people holding me, I lived a sheltered life, I was walked to and from school everyday, my mom was always home for me, and although I appreciate it greatly, I was socially inept in high school and didn't gain social skills, I was lonely and had a hard time making friends and didn't gain social skills until college, where I broke out of shell and partied and really had to work hard to make up for my poor performance starting out. I loved my newfound freedom.

 

Now, I am overly sociable, but I didn't have a constant level of normal social skills, it was in rises and valleys.

 

I think letting him enjoy people, exploring your family, can really do him some good.

 

It's hard to let him go a bit, but I am sure he will appreciate it down the line.

 

Hugs, Rose

[jenny_mcs]

I have a feeling he'll end up being like me- a little introvert who hates having his routine disrupted. Poor kid. lol

 

I don't think there is any way to know this right now- and I think it is a mistake to put your own discomfort off on your son.

 

I do think you are being a tad overprotective. Routines for babies are great, but you need to be able to loosen up a bit for special occasions like Christmas.

[Batya33]

I think you're overreacting. I can't believe that you actually yelled at your grandmother. lol Why didn't you just walk over beside her and assume a "baby catching" position.

 

I can understand that you want to protect your child, but you must also realize that you're not the only person that can care for him. To say that "People seem to pursue their own selfish agendas with my child with little regard for his comfort or safety," is crazy talk. To be perfectly honest, you do sound like you're being a bit of a smother mother. He might be an infant but he's not made of glass. You're not the first person to ever have a baby. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

I find it inappropriate when people ask to hold or touch (other than maye a little at) an infant - at that age, it should be by invitation only by the parent. I know that's a bit extreme but there is plenty of time to ask once the baby is closer to 8 months.

[DN]

I find it inappropriate when people ask to hold or touch (other than maye a little at) an infant - at that age, it should be by invitation only by the parent. I know that's a bit extreme but there is plenty of time to ask once the baby is closer to 8 months.

I think people should ask to hold - but babies need interaction with other people than their parents even at a very young age. Both my daughters were not shielded from other people almost from the time they were born - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, close friends, all became important people in their lives. These people are family (even close friends are like family) and babies need their presense, their comfort, their scent, and their touch.

 

Babies learn as much from their sense of touch as anything else - sometimes more. They are exploring their environment using all their senses very soon and since human beings are social creature to deprive them of that interaction with other people is a huge mistake.

 

Of course they need protection but not to the point of becoming socially and emotionally stunted.

[southerngirl]

I know what you mean and I feel your pain! I felt the same way when mine were little and people kept passing them around and around! Not to mention I was so freaked over the germs! But they lived through it!

 

I know its stressful watching, but all I can say is thank goodness you made it through it huh? Christmas now is 12 more months away and by then he will be over a year old, and in a whole lot safer position to go visiting.

 

So I wouldnt swear off making the rounds just yet, you'll see that when he is 14 months old people arent going to pass him around anyway... He will just be running by. Although staying at home is a great idea too. Thats what I do on Christmas. People are welcome to come see me, but we rarely go anywhere... Unless it was a special pre-arranged time.

[BellaDonna]

I do feel bad for yelling out to my grandma- but I was accross the room and could not physically get to where she and the baby was- she also has a really hard time hearing. If I did not intercept what was happening at that moment, i just worried that his head could end up crashing to the ground, like that bowl of jello did the last time I was over her house.

 

Don't worry folks, I won't let him grow up to be socially inept. lol His dad is more of the extrovert so I think it will balance him out nicely.

 

I do think next year will be much, much better since he will be older and able to get around on his own. Then he can call the shots about who he wants to sit with- and hopefully his issues with acid reflux and needing to be held a certain way will be over.

[BellaDonna]

To be perfectly honest, you do sound like you're being a bit of a smother mother. He might be an infant but he's not made of glass. You're not the first person to ever have a baby. Sorry if that sounds harsh

 

No it's was not harsh and I'd rather you be honest. If I'm being a smother mother I want to know, so thanks for your perspective. Perhaps I need to relax a bit.

 

And I do believe that babies are good at sensing what is going on- he probably felt that I was stressed/tense with what was going on, and that made him cranky too.

[Batya33]

OK DN - see what you mean and I agree there needs to be a balance. What I don't like is when strangers touch babies without asking or think it's ok to touch a woman just because she's expecting.

[DN]

OK DN - see what you mean and I agree there needs to be a balance. What I don't like is when strangers touch babies without asking or think it's ok to touch a woman just because she's expecting.

Oh for sure. I never understand why people think it's Ok to rub a woman's belly when she's pregnant.

 

And it's rude to just pick up a baby without asking - not every time of course if you are a very close family member. I know my daughter was pleased to be able to trust us and her sister to take care of her kids whenever they needed it. The baby doesn't care who changes a diaper or feeds them. But others should ask - not least because there may be something wrong with the baby or it's just not a good time for some reason.

[CaptainPlanet]

They probably don't realise that 30 people all wanting to hold the baby means the baby gets held 30 times. This is a concept I notice a lot of people have problems with in every day life, they only see they're instance of doing whatever it is they're doing.

[Zona76]

Holidays are over and things will calm down. If you insulted a few folks along the way, they will forget it.

Grandmother will forget. But more importantly, there isn't ONE mother who was ever NOT in your shoes.

Over protective? NO! You are looking for the welfare of your child. I'm glad you did. You have the power to speak your mind. To make the best decisions for him at this time in his life.

It doesn't mean next year when he's walking you wont feel safer to let him out of your sight when he and his cousins rough house around the swimming pool.

Continue with your firm hand. You are his mother and that's YOUR job.

[Mythical_Suicide]

 

I do think next year will be much, much better since he will be older and able to get around on his own. Then he can call the shots about who he wants to sit with- and hopefully his issues with acid reflux and needing to be held a certain way will be over.

 

 

It's great when they become mobile and are able to choose who they go to or who holds them. I was the same way you are when my son was a baby, (and can I admit I chuckled too when my son would projectile vomit on someone after they shook him up because they didnt listen to me and how they had to hold him) but yeah when he was a small infant I was horrible, I hated taking him anywhere where people would want to touch him. I regretted that because the older he got the worse it got and he would shy away from even family members he saw everyday and would not stay with anyone at all even for 5 seconds without screaming bloody murder. Thankfully he outgrew that and now at almost 3 he is very very social. But once he's able to get around and go to the ones he trusts to be held by things will be so much easier for you.

[BellaDonna]

They probably don't realise that 30 people all wanting to hold the baby means the baby gets held 30 times. This is a concept I notice a lot of people have problems with in every day life, they only see they're instance of doing whatever it is they're doing.

 

EXACTLY. And it's not that I mind him being held by others- it was the sheer volume of what went on during Christmas that was stressful.

 

I prefer a couple of visitors at a time. Since he has been born he has had many, many visitors- we were even bombarded in the hospital like crazy- it was ridiculous. Every week at least 4 different visitors come over to see him, and although I find it annoying to have a home with a revolving door, I know it is socially good for him which is why my husband and I let it continue. He does better with one or 2 people at a time visiting, instead of 30 at once though.

 

I have also let him stay at my mom's for entire weekends so my husband and I can go away. There he sees my mom, my sister, my brother, my sister's boyfriend, my mom's boyfriend, etc. etc, and is away from us for 48 hous. He never has a problem or cries when he is staying over there because they know how to care for him. They respect his needs as a tiny 4 month old and don't treat him like a toy.

[redrose85]

Babies definitely do get overwhelmed and overstimulated, and IMO I really don't think that it's necessary to have 30+ people crowding around all trying to hold him. If he was repeatedly doing his startle reflex, that says that he was not comfortable. Maybe next time, make an excuse that he needs a feeding or something and take him into a quiet room, so he can get down to sleep. Even older children get really overwhelmed in situations like that, and often wind up stressed out. Whenever I am around a baby, I wait for an invitation to hold him/her. I just feel that it is more polite and the conditions will be right (no baby spitting up on me!) I think you're right to be annoyed. It's tough to be popular lol