Age Gap & Language Gap + Very Strange Meeting Story...Can This Possibly Work Out?

[Confused83]

I'm in a very bizarre relationship situation right now. I guess I'm looking for any advice anyone may have based on experience or common sense (mine might be broken right now). I'm going to be completely honest here so that any advice can be based on accurate facts. This is going to be pretty long, so only read on if you're bored or something. This is as much an exercise for me to sort everything out as it is an invitation for advice.

 

Some relavent information to start with would be that I'm 24 years old and she is 39. We both look younger than our age, I would say I look about 20-22 and she looks about 30. She just moved here from China a year and a half ago and only speaks a little bit of English, so communicating is difficult.

 

For the past few years I've been going to get a massage once in a while, usually from a different woman each time. For the most part, these ended up being 'happy ending' massages, if you know what those are. This past summer I started doing this much more often, maybe two or three times per month, usually trying someone different each time.

 

I decided to try out a new masseuse one day and called to book an apointment. I arrived at her home, where she works, and her husband answered the door. She wasn't home yet, so I waited for her to return.

 

When she stepped in the door and we made eye contact, it was one of those rare moments, for me anyway. I don't want to call it love at first sight, but that's the closest way of describing it. The feeling that you connect with this person on some deep level the moment you make eye contact. It's only happened to me maybe once or twice ever before this, the last one being my ex-girlfriend who took me more than a year to get over. So this isn't just a feeling of attraction, I see girls all over the place I'm attracted to. This was definitely in my top ten first-sight experiences.

 

I was there to get a massage, so that's what we did. The massage was amazing, the best professional massage I've ever had. Most of these women I see for 'massage' don't really know all that much about what it is they're supposed to be doing. She had obviously gone to school to learn how to do this, it was far beyond what any amateur could do.

 

So I wasn't really expecting a happy ending to this massage, since it was so obviously a professional massage and also because her husband was right outside the door in the other room. I won't go into too much detail, but we both ended up naked and making out, against both of our better judgement I'm sure. I was supposed to be there for an hour and ended up staying almost two. As I was leaving, she asked, "Can I see you again?" Which is a pretty unusual way of asking a customer to come again.

 

I saw her again for maybe four more massages, progressing more each time until we ended up having sex in her massage room. I saw her for a massage once more after that when she told me more about the situation with her husband.

 

She married him in China for the sole purpose of getting married. He is quite a bit older than her, maybe 60 something to her 39. She didn't ever love him, she was just getting older and wanted someone to marry. They've been married now for about four years from what I understand. She had a daughter from another man (completely out of the picture), who is now 7 years old and also lives with them.

 

I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but sometime before I met her he started insulting her all the time. Telling her that she's good for nothing, stupid, that she doesn't know anything. He also insults her daughter in the same way. He's retired and stays at home all the time, so she has to deal with this constantly. There is no physical abuse going on from what she has told me, but I would say that this is emotional abuse.

 

So she ends up confiding in me about this situation, also telling me that she would like to move out on her own. I don't know if maybe this is where I went wrong and over-stepped, but I offered to help her find a new place. She accepted my offer and we ended up meeting a few days later to talk about it.

 

When we met for the first time outside of her massage room, she was very affectionate in public, wanting to kiss and hold my hand. She later ended up referring to me as her boyfriend. I didn't really know what to make of this, but really wanted to help her so I just didn't really say anything.

 

I talked with her as best as I could about whether she thought that moving out was the right decision, something she had thought through. She ended up deciding not to move out afterall, but obviously still wasn't going to be happy living there.

 

We ended up picking up her daughter from school and going out for dinner where she was again very affectionate with me. She insisted on paying for dinner and our taxis around town.

 

A few days later she called me and we ended up going out for drinks where she declared she is in love with me. I told her that she can't possibly be in love with me, since we had only seen each other a half-dozen times. But she insists that she is in love with me, she knows what love is and she is very much in love.

 

I didn't dare say it, but this was a feeling I had pushed to the back of my mind as something that could never happen so why think about it? Only crazy people declare love after a handfull of meetings, certainly not me. Maybe this is again where I went wrong, I should have realized that this was a bad situation and bailed.

 

But I couldn't bail, we ended up going back to my place and having amazing sex. It was so much better not having to not make any noise. She ended up going home in the middle of the morning, reassuring my concerns about her husband getting angry all night.

 

Since that night, which was maybe a month and a half ago now, we have talked almost every day and saw each other every two or three nights. She ended up staying later each time until the last few times when she spent the night (against my advice...but I wasn't going to throw her out of bed). She kept telling me there would be no problem with her husband, which of course I didn't believe.

 

When she couldn't come over, we would talk on the phone, sometimes a few times a day. Almost everytime she would come over, she had bought me something. I kept telling her to stop buying me things, that it was making me uncomfortable but she just kept buying things. She easily bought $1000 worth of stuff for me in a month. Everytime we would go out, she wouldn't let me pay for anything, although I got away with secretly stuffing bills in her pocket a few times. From what I can understand, she's in a very comfortable, financially-independent situation. She has savings and makes good money as a massage therapist.

 

I, on the other hand, am 24 and mostly broke. I can't help but feeling that I'm taking advantage of her, even if I'm trying not to. I've told her that I feel this way and she tells me not to worry, that she loves to buy me things.

 

To complicate things further, I just left town and won't be back for four months. I was very upfront about this from the first time we met alone, so she has known all along. Since I've been gone, we've talked everyday on the phone, sometimes a few times. She still tells me she loves me repeatedly all the time, how happy I make her, how much she misses me, how she has never loved someone like she loves me. And I'm starting to let my guard down and feel the same way.

 

A few days before Christmas she called me, crying. She told me that her husband had seen her cell phone bill and the dozens of calls she had made to my number, accused her of having a boyfriend and kicked her and her daughter out onto the street. I gave her a few phone numbers to emergency help and women's shelters and told her I would call her back in an hour or so after she had called them. Since I was out of town, there wasn't much I could do to immediately help her out. When I called back, her phone was off. Her phone was off for a whole day during which I was freaking out not knowing what had happened. Her cell phone ran out of battery and she ended up staying the night at a friend's place, but I was going crazy the whole time. I was about to call the police to see if they could do anything when I finally got through to find out she was alright.

 

When she went back to her husband's place to get some things he ended up asking her to stay, he didn't really want her to leave. Out of convenience, she is still living there now. But I'm helping her look for a new place and she's going to move out as soon as she finds the right place. She's been completely open with him about our situation since having him kick her out, telling him that she doesn't love him and wants to move out, talking with me openly on the phone while he's there.

 

She has asked me to move in with her when I get back to town, rent free. She also wants to buy a car, but doesn't know how to drive herself...so the car would really be for me. There's no way I will let her buy me a car, but I find myself actually considering moving in with her.

 

The problem is...I can't tell if what I'm actually feeling for her is love or not! My feelings are torn in so many directions by so many factors that I'm all confused. We can't even talk like I would normally be able to talk with somone since she doesn't speak much English.

 

I feel like I genuinely love her, but also that I might be confusing it with the need to help her through a rough time. I feel like I'm trying not to be attracted to having her pay for everything, but at the same time can't help feeling that it's a huge bonus. I feel like I'm not playing a part in breaking up a marriage, since it seems to have been broken since before I met her, but how do I know for sure?

 

This whole time I've been struggling with the thought of "what will everyone think? They're think I'm crazy to be with this woman," but am starting to lean more and more towards not caring what anyone thinks.

 

I'm worried that I'm only 24 years old and not feeling nearly ready to take care of a child, which would obviously end up happening if I were to stay in this relationship. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with being in a relationship with a kid included.

 

 

I guess what I'm mostly looking for advice on is: what's best for her? With all these conflicting feelings clouding my judgement, I can't tell if I'm leading her in a destructive direction. I feel like whatever comes of this, it's not really going to mess my life up all that much. But what about hers? I think she stands to lose much more than I do. What if I end up freaking out and bailing on the whole situation, what kind of situation would that leave her in? What if I were to end this a year from now as opposed to right now? What if we end up together for a very long time and what is the actual chance of that happening? What if I want to have kids five years from now, when she is 45? How can I include her in social functions if she is 10 years older than everyone there and doesn't speak English? There are just so many questions I can't answer.

 

I spoke with a good friend about this and he advised me to go with my gut feelings, which I took as good advice. Under all theses questions, I do feel that I could really love her and that we could have a nice, simple life together. I feel that our love is real, based on strong feelings that can't really be explained as opposed to 'love' based on wealth, looks, employment, power, etc.

 

Cons:

 

1. I don't know if I'm ready to take care of her daughter, something I would need to do.

2. She is currently married.

3. 15 year age gap.

4. She needs to learn more English and/or I need to learn more Chinese (not neccesarily a bad thing, there's nothign wrong with learning a new language).

5. My family and friends would all think I'm crazy (which I might be anyway).

6. She might be too old to have babies by the time I feel I'm old enough to have them.

7. I feel weird about having her pay for everything.

8. I won't be back for four months.

9. I feel that she might be obsessed with me in an unhealthy way, she says she would do anything for me which is a little scary.

10. Social situations could be hard.

 

Pros:

 

1. I have very strong feelings for her and this is rare.

2. She makes me laugh and I make her laugh, similar sense of humor.

3. She loves me like I have always wanted to be in love with someone but haven't found, very completely. Might not find this again.

4. I'm very attracted to her physically and she feels the same about me, though neither of us are close to being perfect.

5. She seems to be very intelligent.

6. She enjoys her work, is good at it and makes good money. Also, she would be able to work anywhere easily in the case that we decided to move to a different city. We are both self employed.

7. The sex is really good, this is very important. She loves having sex with me.

8. She gives amazing massages, which I love.

9. She likes to cook and is a good cook.

10. I've always been attracted to older women anyway.

11. She wants to travel with me.

12. It doesn't matter at all to her what I do for a living (I'm a musician...this is not always respected).

13. She is a really great person, very genuinely nice, warm and friendly. Not at all gossipy, materialistic, * * * * * y, moody.

 

There are some pretty strong pros and cons. Which list outweighs which?

 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I would really appreciate any input you might think of.

[Honey Pumpkin]

So I wasn't really expecting a happy ending to this massage, since it was so obviously a professional massage and also because her husband was right outside the door in the other room. I won't go into too much detail, but we both ended up naked and making out, against both of our better judgement I'm sure. I was supposed to be there for an hour and ended up staying almost two. As I was leaving, she asked, "Can I see you again?" Which is a pretty unusual way of asking a customer to come again.

 

I'm very ignorant, but doe she give all her clients a 'happy ending'? I mean, you seem okay with this because of your experience, but I dunno, sounds a lot like prostitution to me?

 

Anyway, I think it's hideously complicated. I think that you're getting in too deep, and that the age gap isn't a problem, but the massive difference in life experience is. If I were your friend, I would be deeply concerned for you, that you were getting tangled up in something that you won't be able to get out from.

 

I suppose: at the very least, keep it light. Try dating her, and seeing where things go, rather than have this very hot house relationship which is incredibly intense. There were a lot of red flags in your post to me about this relationship, and I would be incredibly wary if I were you. I think you're infatuated and loving the experience, but getting in too deep.

 

I'm sorry, I don't see this story as having a happy ending, and I see that you might end up involved in something you can't easily get out of. At the very least, slow it right down and see where things go.

 

Good luck.

[Confused83]

Thanks Honey Pumpkin

 

I don't know if she gives all her clients a happy ending. In any case, it isn't really something I'm concerned with one way or the other. I'm sure I'll find out at some point, it really doesn't matter to me based on my experience. I don't think it is prostitution, though I'm sure there are others with a different opinion this is how I feel personally.

 

You're right, it is hideously complicated. But I feel that our feelings are so basic. Maybe you're right about being infatuated and loving the experience. Which could be true for both of us. I don't know how I would be able to tell the difference now though, when I feel so strongly that it's for real. She would deny 100% that it's only infatuation on her part, whether it's true or not. I have been in love once, and only once, before and know that it was the real thing. I don't fall easily in love. I can't tell the difference from my feelings now and my feelings then.

 

About getting in too deep....I'm already in pretty deep! I only got here because I'm not sure it's something I do want to 'get out of'. I'm on a forced taking-it-slow period while I'm away for four months. Which is kind of a great time to really figure this out, four months is a long time to think.

 

Our feelings are intense, so it's hard to try keeping the intensity low. We can't see each other physically for four months, so this allows some sort of relaxed period I suppose.

 

Anyway, thanks so much for your advice. You don't see a happy ending...I can't see any ending at all, so it's nice to hear someone else's objective ending.

[NO1GR8r]

You may ask: "What red car, and what does a red car have to do with this?"

This is an anology that a few friends of mine make when someone is about to do something that may have unforeseen consequences . Your Pros/Con list is a good start and the pros outweigh the cons...by three. Of the CONS - what can you accept?

 

Now let's create a gray area for the list you have created. SHE IS STILL MARRIED. SHE IS MARRIED. MARRIED is the key word. HE CAN RIP YOUR HEAD OFF and get away with it...no matter what she tells you - HE HAS RIGHTS that you don't. ANY Money that she spends on you, while in that marriage may be considered (according to some state laws) as community property. That car she wants to buy that you may get to drive, may easily go to him in the divorce settlement.

 

Are you ready to be a "fill-in dad?" You are a musiciain and should be respected for what occupation that you chose for yourself, so earn that from everyone. Be good at what you do and take pride in it. Now back to our program...

 

Wait for her to get out free and clear from the marriage and see how she acts after that bond is broken. Most people want to be free for a while to experience FREE.

 

GO with your head on this one...if you have to think about what you are feeling then you are mostly confused (chances are this is the sensation) based on how you met and the first encounter, confusion is easy.

 

Sex can be and is a mind blowing experience, especially when both are uninhibited. Ask yourself these questions: Is it the happy ending and the sex or the fact that we really love each other? [think about her without including sex in your thoughts].

Is it really love or the things that she does for me? Be careful and consider the legal ramifications and social implications of the choice you are about to make. And look out for that "red car."

 

Good luck

"A man informed is a man forewarned."

[Dako]

I can see why this is confusing!

 

It looks like you're playing so many roles here, it's hard to sort out.

You may feel a bit like the rescuer, mentor and guide for her, yet I think she could end up being rescued a third time, leaving you even more confused.

 

This looks like major trouble to me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh wow...this is what happens when you let your genitals do the thinking rather than your brain. I would say that your visits to "happy ending" massage therapists are basically visits to prostitutes. This Chinese woman is prostitute as well or pretty close to one. I bet she married sugar daddy for the money...and who knows...maybe he is her pimp and now he is angry because she got in too deep with one of the clients. Look at the facts here: child from another man, married a sugar daddy, gives the ultimate happy ending massage to clients and is now after a man 15 years her junior. Stay away from this...you are in over your head.

[Batya33]

That's so thoughtful of her to have gotten married and made a child with a man she didn't love because she was "getting older." I am 41 and can say with confidence that I would never do such a thing to another person and neither would my similar age friends.

 

Basically, she's a prostitute not a masseuse. My friends who are professional massage therapists do not do jerk off their customers.

 

I hope you get out of this situation fast.

[Confused83]

A couple things I should clear up that may not have been obvious...

 

She was very much in love with the father of her daughter. He decided when she got pregnant that he didn't want to be a part of that anymore and she decided to have her daughter anyway, for which she had to go through some horrible circumstances with the law in China, being pregnant and unmarried. She had her daughter and three years later decided she was getting older and should get married as all of her friends had done.

 

She knows full well that marrying this man was not a good decision. Circumstances in North America and China are very different, you might not be thinking about what sort of position she was in.

 

And her husband isn't a sugar daddy of any kind. She is completely financially independent. They live in an apartment just big enough for the three of them, for which he does pay all of the rent. But she is more than capable of paying rent on her own.

 

She is looking to move out and separate from her husband as soon as possible. While she may still be legally married, the marriage is over. She had already seen a lawyer regarding divorce before we met. All the formalities need to be dealt with but there is no chance of this marriage continuing, it's already over.

 

We are not using each other for sex. We've gone on dates without sex happening and were perfectly happy just to have each others' company. Like I said, there is a definite connection. I know I'm not imagining this.

 

About the 'prostitution'. Regardless of whether she gives 'happy endings' to everyone, of which I have no knowledge for or against, she is a trained massage therapist with a diploma in massage from a university. I have no idea if my experience with her was typical or a special case. I'm very open minded when it comes to things like this, but I don't see how the extension of a professional full body massage to include one more body part constitutes full-on prostitution. This is North-American religious sexual repression telling you that penises are evil, dirty objects to be used for procreation in the context of a marriage. I suppose it still is a sexual act, but to me, in this context, I can't call that prostitution. To be honest, it makes the massage that much more relaxing. I prefer it this way as do many others, whether they're willing to admit it or not.

 

I feel like I'm being defensive, but I'm just filling in the information where I had left holes. The last two replies try to make her out to be some sort of monster. If she is anything, she is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. I appreciate all the advice given, thank you all.

[Confused83]

Really, my biggest concern is being a 'fill-in dad'. I don't really have a problem with the age difference, the marriage is over, the language thing is manageable.... I don't know if I can handle taking care of her daughter. I don't even know what would be expected of me. This isn't really something I had anticipated dealing with until I was a few years older, so I hadn't given it any thought until now.

 

For anyone reading who has started dating a single parent with a young son or daughter, surely you're not just launched into the role of Daddy? I would expect that it would be more of a gradual thing. There must be millions of single mom's out there, and I'm sure Mom's first boyfriend doesn't automatically become Dad, figuratively or in function. So why should it be any different in this case? She was a single mom for three years before getting married and seems to have made it through that alright.

 

I actually love kids, I just hadn't expected to be confronted with the possibility of dealing with one as part of a relationship anytime soon. So does this pose a deal-breaking problem? I wouldn't think so.

 

I'm looking to identify undisputable relationship impossibilities. Things that cannot be worked out.

[Honey Pumpkin]

She has asked me to move in with her when I get back to town, rent free. She also wants to buy a car, but doesn't know how to drive herself...so the car would really be for me. There's no way I will let her buy me a car, but I find myself actually considering moving in with her.

 

I think that's moving too fast - living with someone rent free, having them buy you things, what if you then changed your mind? You would be pretty tangled up in her life.

 

think she stands to lose much more than I do. What if I end up freaking out and bailing on the whole situation, what kind of situation would that leave her in? What if I were to end this a year from now as opposed to right now? What if we end up together for a very long time and what is the actual chance of that happening? What if I want to have kids five years from now, when she is 45? How can I include her in social functions if she is 10 years older than everyone there and doesn't speak English? There are just so many questions I can't answer.

 

I think these are very real concerns, and that is why I would urge you to take this very very slowly, if you're going to pursue it. You don't need to live with her, you don't need to become her child's father. You can date her and see how it goes, without this intensity. Like I said, I am not against this totally, but if I were your sister, I would say go very very slowly. There are a lot of things in your post that are against this working out, and whilst it may be a fairy tale happy ever ending, it will take time. If you date for a long time and things are still great, then maybe ease them up to the next level. I feel strongly that moving in rent-free with her would really mess with your options. It's taking on a HUGE amount of responsibility, and as you said, you're really not sure whether you're ready for that.

 

I wish you well, but I think you have to be incredibly cautious if you're going to pursue this. Wait for her divorce to come through, what's the rush to become a tightly knit second family when there is a lot going against you.

 

Take good care.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Honey Pumpkin. Also, it is nice to see how you don't think "happy ending massages" a big deal. If she is a professional masseuse, there must be strict guidelines in the professional associations that prohibit the masseuse from providing this additonal service otherwise they are in violation of certain ethical norms and codes. The proper course of conduct for a professional is to not engage in this kind of behavoiur with a client. If there are true feelings then there can't be a client based interaction...you would have had to go for the massage elsewhere. Surely as a professional, she would have known that her conduct violated professional standards. She gives you hand jobs and sex and calls it falling in love! If this is her conduct as a professional, then I guess once you set up house with her, you wouldn't mind if she does hand jobs with other clients? Sorry for being so down, but I really think you are caught up in the whole sex thing and are not seeing her for what she really is.

[Batya33]

I would wait a year after her divorce is final before you date her again given how complicated this is then date her as opposed to being one of her "John's" and make sure you are comfortable with her prostituting herself to others and giving your (future stepdaughter) that kind of upbringing.

 

I would not date her unless you want to be a stepdaddy to a very troubled girl (given how her mother behaves).

 

Also I suggest you re-read your first post about her motivations for marrying - only so you can see how you are changing your story to justify continuing to see a prostitute. I am sure many prostitutes are well educated or have licenses - doesn't make the behavior any less * * * * ty.

[Confused83]

I really like Honey Pumpkin's advice to not move in, I think you're right about that. I will wait at least until her divorce is over to consider moving in.

 

Everyone is calling her a prostitute and I really just don't think that she is. In any case, what really matters to me is whether she enjoys her job or not. If she is happy doing what she does, which she seems to be as far as she has told me, then I am happy with that. If she expresses dislike of what she is doing, I will encourage and help her to change whichever elements of her job she is not enjoying so that she can be happy.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really like Honey Pumpkin's advice to not move in, I think you're right about that. I will wait at least until her divorce is over to consider moving in.

 

Everyone is calling her a prostitute and I really just don't think that she is. In any case, what really matters to me is whether she enjoys her job or not. If she is happy doing what she does, which she seems to be as far as she has told me, then I am happy with that. If she expresses dislike of what she is doing, I will encourage and help her to change whichever elements of her job she is not enjoying so that she can be happy.

 

She is having sex with clients...of course having orgasms several times a day would make someone happy.

[Confused83]

I have no evidence to suggest that she is having sex with anyone but me. I'll make sure to give an update if I find otherwise, until then let's not make assumptions one way or the other.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So I wasn't really expecting a happy ending to this massage, since it was so obviously a professional massage and also because her husband was right outside the door in the other room. I won't go into too much detail, but we both ended up naked and making out, against both of our better judgement I'm sure. I was supposed to be there for an hour and ended up staying almost two

 

This is the first time you met her for the massage and she was comfortable getting naked with you and making out for two hours. I would say that is a clear indication of her professionalism. If you want to think otherwise, good luck to you...I really hope you are using condoms and you get yourself tested for STDs. She is much older than you and has been around the block more times than you can imagine...but I guess you will have to learn the hard way (no pun intended) what leeches some women can be and how they can use sex to lure a man...even the older men fall prey to leeches.

[desert_rose26]

I also want to add that it sounds like because she has a kid, it's enough for you to leave her. BUT because of the GREAT sex and FREE stuff, you can't say NO. And now, the reason you are clinging on is the great sex and free stuff. thereforeee, you feel GUILTY because you know it's wrong. Oh, and love? If you loved her enough, you wouldn't be thinking of possibly leaving her. You almost tricked yourself into thinking that you love her - but you don't REALLY. But, convincing yourself that you actually LOVE her minimizes most of the GUILTY feeling doesn't it?

 

My advice? Get out! You know it's WRONG to lead her on. Haven't you had enough "perks" from her?

 

 

(Just my opinion from what you wrote.)

[scotty77]

If this woman is completely financially independent then what is keeping her tied to her husband? It sounds fishy.

[shoppingGirl]

You may surprise yourself and really grow to love this little girl as your own. I consider myself to be pretty open-minded and this does seem complicated...but i still feel that life is too short to play the 'what if' game. You need to listen to your gut..your intuition. Is there a nagging feeling that this is not what you really want? Or do you really want to do this but are scared to take the leap? Love that is very strong is hard to find....but do you love her? You said in one line,"I think I could really love her." You definetely shouldn't make a quick decision on this. Really think it through for a while and spend time with her and the little girl to see how it is. Good luck!