Do I Love Him? Please Advise....

[Rangel2]

For the past two months, I've been dating this boy in my college dorm (we are both freshmen). He's my first serious relationship, and it is progressing very well.

 

I've always been anti-sexual (because I've been afraid of it), but he has gently introduced me to healthy sexuality. I have never felt pushed to do anything I didn't want to, and we have spoken openly about everything from emotional unsurity to unwanted erections to sex.

 

We have not reached that final step, and we will not for quite some time. We only go as far as we both feel comfortable.

 

He came to visit for a couple days over Christmas break (we live about five states apart), and since then (though it went well), I've been questioning my feelings for him.

 

My mother is trapped in an unpleasant marriage, so I am very careful (perhaps overly so) to make sure I am in the perfect relationship that will not lead me along her path.

 

The past couple of days, I have realized that this boy has three different personalities:

 

One, when he is with me, which I love very much. I suppose this is the boy I have fallen for.

One, when he is with our friends, that is cute sometimes, but that can be a bit annoying other times.

The last is a card-player persona. It comes out when he is playing any games that have to do with cards, when he is with his card-playing buddies, at tournaments (he is a well-known, talented player who also writes articles for a couple websites), or posting on the card forums. It is egotistical, strongly-and-sometimes-sharply toned, smooth-talking, and competitive, and it just isn't the boy I loved.

 

I'm also a little nervous that I cannot see myself with him forever. Of course, I am 18, and I can't really see myself marrying anyone, but if I'm truly in love with him, should I be able to see myself marrying him eventually? I also feel as though, if we broke up, I would be able to go back to being very good friends with him, since that is how we started out. Is that a bad sign?

 

So I am wondering if this means that I am, in fact, NOT in love with him. I know two months sounds like a very short time, but we live right down the hall from each other in college, and have been spending a great deal of each day with each other. So, counting all that time, it is like we have been dating for much longer than two months. And we have become closer to mirror that time.

 

So does my inability to picture us together for a long period of time or as married, and my dislike of one part of his personality mean that I am not truly in love with him? Or is it a bad sign that I need to be careful of? Or is it just something that I can deal with, that isn't that big of a deal?

 

This is a new experience for me, and I would greatly appreciate any input anyone has for me. Thank you very much for reading all the way through this long explanation. I just wanted to make sure you got the whole story. Again, thank you very much for any advice you might have.

 

Rachel

[fastball2113]

there is no perfect relationship...if it existed then the divorce rate would not be 50%. i think you are overanalyzing the situation your in. dont listen to your head, go with your gut

[vrank]

There is no perfect relationship. Pay attention to your gut, but think with your head. Animals go with their guts.

[Helmut]

First let me say something about his 3 personalities:

 

With you , he is one way. Obviously.

 

With his friends, he is another. Also, obviously. People act different when they are with people with whom their RELATIONSHIP is different. Friends, especially between guys, relies heavily on shennanigans and bad jokes. Guys hang out for mutual entertainment, not to express their feelings or whatever. So, he is going to act in that annoying way.

 

Last, and this is most interesting, his 'cards' personality. Do you play cards? If you do, you will know that card games are all about CHUTZPAH, MOXIE, CHARISMA, or whatever you want to call it. That 'slick, competitive' personality is the facade that a person competing at cards puts on in order to win.

 

If he were seriously into sports, would you say that you don't like how he acts serious and competitive before a big game?

 

 

He's one person. You have different sides too, you know.

 

 

 

Now, do you Love him? Absolutely not. One, you've been together for two months. No matter how much time you've spent together, it's been two months. You have not seen eachother's personalities change over time, or been through difficult situations, or anything like that. I'm willing to bet hella money that a large chunk of all that time you've been together is spent still 'getting to know' eachother (as evidenced by your description of his three different personalities) and making out/doing more.

 

This is your first time in a relationship, you're going to feel differently than you've ever felt, and I'm betting it's pretty powerful. It's not love.

 

It's not a big deal, either. I think love is supposed to take time. Just because you don't genuinely 'love' him now, doesn't mean it's hopeless and you should look for someone else.

 

Finally, sexual behavior, especially for the first time, tends to evoke very strong emotional attachments.

 

I heard a nasty joke on some show (Family Guy or something along those lines).

 

Some girl was a virgin, and another guy was a jerk, the kind who is smoothly able to get any girl into bed by faking feelings for them. After conning her into bed, he mentioned, in an aside to the camera, something like "You'll think you love me." And it's SO TRUE.

 

I know a guy who does this alot. He's my age and has sex with all kinds of girls who are DEFINITELY way too young, and they all hang off his every word, even though they KNOW he has sex with all kinds of other girls! He even treats them like crap, I've watched how he talks to them.

 

 

 

So, first relationship + sexual behavior = strong, tricky emotions. Don't be fooled.

 

One last thing, the very fact that you are judging his "three different personalities" tells me that you don't 'love' him.

[rs.dallaire]

It all boils down to the following question: do you prefer to be with him or without him? As for love and everything else, I don't think anyone has a definite answer on that matter.

[Rangel2]

Yes, I suppose. I do very much like being with him. I feel as though I may be over judging him in order to make sure that I am NOT blinded, so I guess I'm being picky.

 

And, really, I mean I'm looking for the right relationship for me. One than won't get me in a tough spot. So I guess I'm overanalyzing in that sense.

 

Thanks so much for all the responses! I really appreciate them

[rs.dallaire]

And, really, I mean I'm looking for the right relationship for me. One than won't get me in a tough spot. So I guess I'm overanalyzing in that sense.

 

At your age there is only one way to find out, and it is through dating a number of people and finding what's right for you. I don't think you are necessarily overanalyzing things. It's perfectly ok to question things when you are going through new and exciting times.