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Broken Hearted and Confused


NCspecV81

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I just copy and pasted most of this that way I did not have to retype it from another thread.

 

I'm in a position where my ex and I were together for 7 years and recently broke up 4 months ago. She said that she needed her space and to figure out what she wants. She said she loves me but is not in love with me, but when we are together its great. Get her outside of my presense and another beast totally takes over shoveling me to the side and giving all her attention to another guy or guys. I've tried NC here recently after I read the wealth of information in hopes of maybe getting her back, but now I question if that is going to happen even with NC. We have never went more than a few days without talking, in fact, when I tried NC here recently it was for 2 days which has been the longest in nearly 8 years that we have not spoken. I was recently at her house for Christmas and she said "I'm her best friend and I love you", and when we went to see the large display of christmas lights here she actually cried to me for the first time ever about "us". Her mom even encouraged me to ignore her and make her jealous. That was the last day I spent with her almost a week ago and it leaves me questioning why if she has so much here with me being her best friend that she loves and getting that love in return why this nightmare is continuing. It's been nearly 4months since she broke it off and I feel like I'm still on day #1 with me continously crying and questioning everything that I live for. In fact the last day I was there she kissed me good night after we had snuggled in the bed watching a movie. =o( This was that same Christmas night. Now for the past couple of days she's been exclusively seeing another guy and it tears me up inside.

 

This thread has actually inspired me to work on myself and I'm doing so with a regimine of dieting, exercise, and focusing on the things I like, but it feels like its no where near enough as I find myself searching for the love I lost. I've got another girl that's interested in spending time with me, but its just not the same. I can't, without guilt, go out with her knowing I'm going to be thinking of someone else constantly.

 

 

However, I find myself laying out of work because I work in the department adjacent from her and it's difficult for me to handle. The last time I was there I noticed she still has all of our pictures up in her room and the things I've drawn for her. please help =o(

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She said she loves you but is not in love with you...but then she snuggles in bed with you to watch a movie and kisses you good night. It sounds to me like she needs the comfort of you while she goes and tries her luck with other men. If she is not in love with you and is giving such mixed messages...then go strict no contact. If she wants to date other men then walk out of her life...do not be fall back guy. Just continue to focus on your life.

 

By the way, I wish I had a dollar for every person who seems to think that the best way to deal with a breakup is to suddenly go on a diet and start working out...sure, nothing wrong with doing that...but why does everyone seem to do that after a breakup....yeah, I know...it is to show the ex what they are missing...I don't know why so many people think that the ex would even care about that.

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By the way, I wish I had a dollar for every person who seems to think that the best way to deal with a breakup is to suddenly go on a diet and start working out...sure, nothing wrong with doing that...but why does everyone seem to do that after a breakup....yeah, I know...it is to show the ex what they are missing...I don't know why so many people think that the ex would even care about that.

 

 

When you look good, you feel better about yourself. That right there is why most people do the diet/working out thing after a breakup IMHO. I haven't started working out yet but I intend to because I keep hearing it produces endorphins - and also as a way to suck up some of the massive amounts of free time I now find myself with.

 

There's also the benefit that looking better is going to make your chances of finding someone new that much better!

 

I'm not doing it to show the ex what he's missing, but I can't speak for others.

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When you look good, you feel better about yourself. That right there is why most people do the diet/working out thing after a breakup IMHO. I haven't started working out yet but I intend to because I keep hearing it produces endorphins - and also as a way to suck up some of the massive amounts of free time I now find myself with.

 

There's also the benefit that looking better is going to make your chances of finding someone new that much better!

 

I'm not doing it to show the ex what he's missing, but I can't speak for others.

 

I think there are so many ways of feeling better about yourself...not just losing weight you probably didn't need to lose and going to the gym. I wonder how long people actually continue this change once they are on the road to healing...does the weight come back on...does the gym fall by the wayside....to me the "going to the gym and losing weight" right after a break-up is a knee-jerk reaction rather than a commitment to a healthier lifestyle.

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I think there are so many ways of feeling better about yourself...not just losing weight you probably didn't need to lose and going to the gym. I wonder how long people actually continue this change once they are on the road to healing...does the weight come back on...does the gym fall by the wayside....to me the "going to the gym and losing weight" right after a break-up is a knee-jerk reaction rather than a commitment to a healthier lifestyle.

 

 

well it's something that I planned out to do before, in fact I did it earlier before the breakup but did not fully stick to it. I feel my actions are more geared towards a healthier lifestyle it's just the breakup finally allows me the time to focus on it completely. As a matter of fact, when I work out it makes coping much easier anyways.

 

 

Also that brings something else up, she has made plans and scheduled for us to go workout on every lunch during the week at a gym she wants both of us to get a membership at and she said she's even willing to go on a mini vacation this coming weekend for a few days out alone. I want to go, but I feel its an extremely bad idea on both parts. I want to be around her and love her and show her I really care, but I can't continue to be dragged through the mud any longer. I love this girl more than any love of my life, and it really hurts knowing she's searching and probably found someone else, but it also hurts to try and be her friend or so called "best friend". Yet, I find myself knowingly going into a situation in hopes she may still want to love me back again and the outcome being cruddy.

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well it's something that I planned out to do before, in fact I did it earlier before the breakup but did not fully stick to it. I feel my actions are more geared towards a healthier lifestyle it's just the breakup finally allows me the time to focus on it completely. As a matter of fact, when I work out it makes coping much easier anyways.

 

 

Aslo that brings something else up, she has made plans and scheduled for us to go workout on every lunch during the week and she said she's even willing to go on a mini vacation this coming weekend for a few days out alone.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Because she wants to keep you as backup in case the other guy doesn't work out. Why torture yourself. You don't need to work out with her..and you can go on mini-vacations on your own or with a friend...guaranteed if you go on a mini-vacation with her, the two of you will get very cozy, probably have sex and then after she comes back, she will be running to the other guy and telling you she is not in love with you. Why put yourself through all that. You need to go no contact so you can heal and not get sucked into her drama.

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OK man! Here it is. I did that with a 6 year relationship, even bought the girl a ring (she picked it out). She said the same stuff to me, not in love blah blah. After a falling out breakup in June this year '07 we broke up, I decided after some comments she said to me, I was done with her, I haven't talked to her in 8 months and i'm slowly getting better.

 

What I suggest is and this will be hard im not going to lie to you, don't talk to her, don't see her avoid her at all costs! I know man, it's hard but again, it might get her back and heres why. She's confused now, she's checking out other possible prospects and with you on the back-burner, she's able to do so and if she gets burnt, guess what, you're going to be there.

Don't be there, don't get involved with what shes doing, bascially cut ties from her you're not her friend. With that being said, it may not make sense, but a girl or guy for that matter can't stand someone who doesn't acknowledge them or moves on with tthier life, she obviously doesn't have a problem seeing some other guy, so why should you be thre for her and with her? Think about it and message me if you want to chat about this more, I been through it broke up got back together broke up again, ripped out heart, anxious days and nights, terrible thoughts, confusion, anger, depressed, sad, you name it. Take care bro.

 

`v-neck

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It's getting really bad as the night approaches, I haven't been without a new years with her in years! The agony is terrible and my will power to keep NC is slowly dieing! I want her to be happy, I do love her that much, but on the same token I want her happy with me. Apparently I'm not even on the back burner any longer because she has not even approached, called, or text me about even going to the gym. I don't understand how someone who says they love you can realistically do this to the one they supposedly love. I really feel its over right now and the only one left in the wake of a broken heart, broken dreams, and lonely nights is myself.

 

Also v-neck you broke up with her and got back together again? How long of a hiatus from initially breaking up? Also do you know if she saw any other guys during that time?

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I think there are so many ways of feeling better about yourself...not just losing weight you probably didn't need to lose and going to the gym. I wonder how long people actually continue this change once they are on the road to healing...does the weight come back on...does the gym fall by the wayside....to me the "going to the gym and losing weight" right after a break-up is a knee-jerk reaction rather than a commitment to a healthier lifestyle.

 

 

I have a friend a couple years back that his gf dumped him after 3 years and he started going to the gym and making changes to his diet. He went from like 270lbs to 165lbs, and from the look in his eyes and the changes he made, it was definitely for a better and healthier lifestyle.

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Hey man, here's my story... I went through a hell with her. After 5 years of dating, we broke up for 6 months being a mutual decision. I dated in that time but realized I truly loved her and wanted her back. i called and found out she was dating someone else and I respected that although it hurt. A few weeks went by and I found out that she had a new boyfriend, all the while knowing I was wanting to get back with her, why did she do that I don't know. Although very hurt, I left them be. 2 months later I get a call saying she broke up with him, so i rush back over there like a fool, and that messed things up, I was not cool at all, all my emotions got the best of me. Anyways, we hang out for a few days and she gets weird saying she needs time away but she'll call, so I respected her time issues. A month went by then 2 -3 - 4, then by chance I saw her out in public, probably a 1 in a million chance and we did some catching up in 10 minutes, we hugged good-bye and i left with my heart feeling heavy.

 

Another 3 months went by and she emailed me after I indirectly emailed her with a function I was a part of (she happened to be on the email list), so we talked and started hanging out and got back together after a month or so. After that it was awesome, we went and bought a ring. But something happened after about 6 months in, we fell back into the pattern of latter times and before I knew it, it was over. She said all the hurtful things and I had nothing good to say. I hung up on her man and haven't spoke to her since. Saddest part is, I know it's over for me, even if we did decide to work it out, we been though it enough to know it wont work.

 

Anyways, did you contact her tonight? hopefully things are cool, but take my advice at least try it for a month or 2 and see where you stand. It's probably the hardest thing you have done in your life so far, but you may understand it all int he ned, take it easy.

 

`v-neck

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  • 9 months later...

Update on this since everyone is always curious how things turn out. It's been nearly a year and I'm completely over it. I look back and wonder, wth was I thinking!? I've grown stronger, and I'm ready for someone new. However, I'm not really searching as I like the idea of being by myself and only having to worry about one person's opinion, which is mine.

 

Although, the tables have completely turned! She's calling me, wondering why I'm ignoring her, why I'm doing something, and where I'm going seems to be on the top of her agenda from day to day. I don't dislike her, I really love her, but right now I'm taking things at my pace without worry if she finds someone else or not. It's a very refreshing feeling for once, not having to worry about if she finds/loves/dates someone else. I'm back to normal with a whole new outlook than I did 1 year ago.

 

I remember my exact feelings when I started this thread, and I must say today as I type this I'm really glad I got on the road of non-contact.

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Honestly as much as I hate to say it, I think she's using you as a safety net.. something to fall back on if she ends up not finding what she's looking for... I think she's scared that the two of you were so serious and possibly feels that she didn't get all the experience she wanted to get in the dating department before going out with you.. I don't agree the with the whole " I love you, but I'm not in love with you.." I think that's a lie.. I myself would never be able to be intimate with someone if I wasn't "in love" with them.. nor would I have gone out with them for so long.. I think the reason why she said that was to convince herself that what she was doing was right and in a sense it was to push you away a little bit so that she can have the space and time to decide whether her decision of ending it with you was the best choice... If I were you I would do the same thing that she's doing right now and test the waters.. go out with other people and see what else is out there... because heck, although your so determined right now that she was "the one", there may just be another "one" out there for you.. I'm actually going through the same thing right now, except with my case, my ex has a new girlfriend... As much as I love him and can't see myself with anyone else, I refuse to wait around for someone who has no idea what the hell they want and who could hurt me so much.. So, go out and see what else is out there.. and if she just so happens to turn around and say "hey, I made a mistake, I do love you and I do want to be with you.." well then , it will ultimately be your decision of whether or not YOU want her back after everything that happened...

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  • 5 years later...

Update -

 

After about a year of crying and feeling the mental pain to the point of down right exhaustion I was finally able to move on. About a year after that she decided she wanted to make contact. We began to talk periodically, which grew into every day. Ended up sleeping with her and getting her pregnant. I quit talking to her afterwards and currently on the run from the police due to missed child support. All I gotta say, Karma is a bitch

 

Moral of the story; leave this shit in the past.

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