My boyfriend has a kid with another woman….

[missymiss23]

Ok I’ve been dating this guy for 2 months. (I knew him from high school and we both had a crush on each other but we never did anything about it…but I called him up a couple months ago and we starting dating) Anyway, he has a 2 year old by another woman. This girl wasn’t a girlfriend of his and he says he has no feelings for her, just a drunken one night stand that resulted in a baby. I have always been the type that said I would NEVER date a guy with a kid, but I thought I shouldn’t be shallow because he might be a really nice guy. I mean it’s not like he lied. He was honest about having a kid and I knew right off the bat what I was getting myself into. But my reasons/concerns are: I just don’t want the girl to cause trouble for me & him and meddle in my business. What if one day he decides his kid needs mommy & daddy together then I’m left out in the cold. And IF this relationship would end in marriage I have to be ready to be a stepmom right off the bat and I don’t know how I feel about raising someone else’s kid. I have talked to him about this and told him my concerns and he assures me that I have nothing to worry about but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

 

Well, my parents don’t like him now--because they don’t want their daughter being a step mom and they say he’s possessive. I do feel like our relationship started off really fast and I have felt like they may be right on some things. But they’ve never liked any boyfriend of mine yet. I’m scared to stay with him because I feel like it will hurt my relationship with my family but I don’t want my parents trying to control my life either. For the most part it feels right but then when I listen to them saying it’s no good, I start worrying maybe they see something I don’t.

 

This is just a hard situation to be in and sometimes I wonder if I’m mature enough to handle it. Even though he says she means nothing to him, I cringe every time I know he’s going to be around her. He gets his kid every other weekend which means every other weekend we have to sit at his house and I would rather go out to eat and to the movies or shopping, etc. I’m just not used to kids. Im used to going and doing whenever I want and not having anyone depend on me. I worry that we are not on the same page in our lives and if we can EVER make it.

 

I just need some advice and someone to talk to about this. I don’t know what to do.

[sidehop]

Welcome to the forum!

 

Like you said it yourself, only two months and it may be too early to analyze the situation completely. I can understand why your parents would be alarmed. There are too many variables for the relationship and for you to start worrying already about his son alone is just not healthy. Obviously they had sex for a reason, whether it was lust or love.

 

I would say take your time and not get involved too seriously with this person any time soon. Who knows what the relationship is like between the mother & him. It would be different if she was completely out of the picture and for good but situations could always change.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I can understand you parents being upset about this whole thing...He has a child, and you're probably still very young. Your parents are just trying to look out for your feelings. Believe me, they have probably "been there" AND "done that"....So, taking advice from your parents, is probably the best thing for you. Not to mention, you probably share a lot of the same values your parents do.

 

I'm sure your parents don't think he's a bad guy...I mean, how would they feel if you got pregnant right now? They probably wouldn't be too thrilled. So, you dating a guy who has an infant, is probably just as bad as you having a child of your own...

 

They probably feel you're too young, and that you still have a lot of life a head of you. I'm not saying that this guy you like doesn't, but his lifestyle is WAY different from yours. Everything he does is centered around that child...

 

From child care, to what his child eats, doctors appointments, pre-school...as so much more in only a few more years, when his child is in grade school.

 

Are you ready to take on that responsibility? I know he's telling you he wouldn't put this on you, but if you're dating the guy, don't you think that this will affect you in some way?

 

You already mentioned not wanting to sit at his place every other weekend. If you get serious with this guy, this could be an everyday thing if you move in with him.

 

The best advice I could give you is to take all this "stuff" into consideration before you start dating him, so you know what you're getting yourself into. If you have the mentality to take care of a child, then by all means, do what YOU want to DO and ONLY YOu...Don't let anyone, not even your parents sway your decision....

[Miss Firecracker]

You sound nowhere near capable of dealing with this type of situation. I think you should get out now. But that's just my own view.

[rs.dallaire]

My parents are pretty conservative folks. I used to date a single mother of two toddlers and they turned out to be very supportive.

 

I personally think that who you date is none of your parents' business, period.

 

As for the mother of the child interfering with your relationship, it is not a possibility, it is a definite reality. If your boyfriend is a strong person, you won't have any major problems but it will always remain a minor issue at best.

 

Since you've been dating for only two months, I don't think you should worry about being a stepmom and all of those serious questions. If you date the guy for a year or two and realize he's the right person for you, then you can consider moving in together.

 

This is not an easy situation to be in. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not. Do not let anyone else influence your decision. Follow your heart. Things may work out, or they may not work out. Who knows?

 

I am here if you'd like NEUTRAL advice on this. Don't listen to anyone who tells you that you should or should not do something.

[Aleadragonhawk]

You've mentioned a few concerns that you have about getting into a long-term relationship with this person, and those concerns sound very valid. You don't want to have a child at this point in your life, and that's a great thing to realize and be able to state. What I think might help you right now is evaluating what you want out of your romantic relationships right now. Do you want a short-term relationship, or are you looking for a long-term relationship and considering settling down? If you think that the possibility for a long-term relationship is there, I'd advise taking another serious look at the issues you have with him having a child with another woman. If you are in a long-term relationship with this man, the mother of his child will always be a part of your lives to some extent. The child will be a part of your life as well.

 

What are some specific issues about your relationship that your parents have brought up?

[missymiss23]

All of the advice is helpful! But me and him are boyfriend/girlfriend now and I didnt really think about all this. I wasnt thinking and just jumped into it. I feel like i rushed into it way too fast and now I dont know where to turn. I was talking to my parents and told them the kid thing bothers me and that I think about it everyday. So they say that it's a problem for them as well and that if I stay in this relationship its not going to get any better. And that the girl will more than likely cause problems because that's what "ex's" or past loves or lovers do--cause trouble. They also got mad that I went to the mountains with him and his family--which I didnt see anything wrong with it. And my mom got mad that i had planned going and eating Christmas breakfast at his grandma's instead of doing our usual Christmas tradition so I ended up cancelling that.

[Batya33]

How nice that he chose to get drunk and chose to have unprotected sex and make a baby - how often does he see his child? Does he financially support his child? Why is it shallow to want to avoid a man who has a child based on a drunken one night stand who seems rather cavalier about it? And what is the relevance of "me and him are boyfriend and girlfriend now" - you're not married and you've only been dating a very short time.

 

I am not suggesting you definitely break up with him but try not to be the next "mistake" he makes that involves a child.

[shikashika]

I dated a guy with a kid and never again... its just not for me. I do want children...but I don't want to join the masses in the world these days of getting divorced twice , having kids not born into families, step children, half brothers and sisters etc.

 

if you didn't have a problem with it, i doubt you would have posted about it. Don't make the mistake of thinking you will get used to it.

 

if it bothers you that much, you are better off without each other.

[missymiss23]

he gets him every other weekend and the weekend that he doesnt see him he goes and sees the kid that monday. my boyfriends mom pretty much does everything for the child (or at least this is what i see when im there)-bath, changing the diaper, feeding him, etc. i dont know why but he wants me to always ride with him to take the kid home. i dont care a thing about going. it's like he wants to force me to deal with this.

[Aleadragonhawk]

If you are in a relationship with him, you're going to have to "deal with" this - the child is a part of his life and always will be, and that is as it should be. Dating someone for two months is not a commitment that can't be broken - don't feel as though you can't get out of a situation that isn't ideal for you just because you're boyfriend and girlfriend.

[southerngirl]

Things happen. I think that it is admirable that he is being a father to this child and not walking away.

 

Even if you do not wish to be involved, it is his child.... So if you can not accept that 100% then walk away now.

[missymiss23]

im so depressed. i mean i want to be with him but al i see is a dark tunnel ahead for us. we have all these things against us: my parents not liking him & wanting us to break up, his kid's mom who im sure will cause trouble for us-she's already started showing herself when she gets in one of her bad moods, and now his ex girlfriend keeps texting his phone and i dont know if he is sending her stuff back to keep her around so it will be good for his ego or what. we've been dating 2 months and he's already told me he loves me and that scares me..yes i think i've fallen for him myself but everything seems messed up and i dont know what to do. THIS IS SO HARD!!!!

[HajiMaji]

You have two choices, break up with him or dont.

 

The only real specific thing I see in your post is that he has said I love you and its a little soon, but you sorta seem to like it also.

 

Sometimes when things are overwhelming, we are good at freaking out over stuff. What I would try and do if I were you is get a little more organized in your thoughts. Like, what are your problems specifically in your relationship? When you think about that try not and let these ambiguous concepts freak you out much. Ex girlfriends can cause stress, certainly, but lots of people have that. Your parents dont like him, and that may say something, but also remember that your parents arent in control of your life. They may have issues of their own with all this.

 

In the end, when you realize what your problems are with the relationship, you can talk to your partner about them and decide if you want to break up or not. Furthermore, if you are ever unsure of his motives you can either trust that they are good, or ask him to express what his motives are. Ya just need a little clarity on your situation I think.

[ghost69]

if it bothers you, don't continue to date him. regardless of what your family thinks. i don't date women that have kids. i don't want that drama in my life.