Going into serious relapse - advice needed

[bob1000]

A quick background to my relationship:

 

I was the dumpee - we had a great relationship but about three months ago things went downhill very quickly cummulating in me hearing a speech along the lines of ILYBINILWY.

 

It's been two months now. The first six weeks were very LC and surprisingly i didn't beg or plead just tried to get on with my life. Though painful, I got through it ok maybe because i had a lot of things going on that i had to take care of for myself and got some things done that i needed to do.

 

After six weeks we got together several times - some of the meetings at her insitgation - and got on great. Remarkably, i managed to keep the heavy thoughts in my head under wraps and we got on great each time, and there was definitely still chemistry there.

 

A lot of mixed signals came from her (I know this isnt the same as wanting to get back together) but whatever doubt is in her mind kept her holding something back at the end of each meeting.

 

A friend of mine advised me to back off. If all i was getting was mixed signals, i'd just end up hurting myself. I took her advice.

 

The ex sent me a very affectionate text at Christmas (again i know i shouldn't over analyze - but i do). I replied in a friendly fashion and that was that.

 

Since then, i have felt terrible. I've gone from feeling like i could handle whatever transpired - reconciliation or not - to missing her like crazy, possibly more so than when we initially split.

 

Really not sure what to do now

Options i am considering are:

 

a) carry on with NC/LC see how it turns out and try to move on at the same time

 

b) just ask flat out is there any chance of reconciliation - she says 'no' and then i just move on

 

at the moment option (b) looks tempting to me because it will give me the closure it would appear i need because, frankly i'm spending far too much time thinking about this.

 

 

Any advice greatly appreciated.

[greensleeves]

What do you mean by an "affectionate" text? If you had backed off for awhile previous to the text alot depends on the tone of her message.

[Rosee]

If you were to reconcile do you think you could resolve whatever issues led the relationship to end in the first place?

 

As far as contact goes, if you do ask and she does say no or if you decide just to leave things, it may be better to have NC rather than LC, cos I think the latter may lead you back to this same situation again and keep that flame alive, you need to snuff it out if you want to move on.

[bob1000]

well likesay, i'm likely overanalyzing it - it said 'merry christmas darling. lots of hugs and kisses' . i'd been backing off for a week before hand

[bob1000]

rosee - in my mind yes. she may think differently.

i think it was to a degree failure to communicate. we have very similar aspirations and goals in life but in some respects i'm not a great communicator. i hear issues but i'm not sure i listen to them properly if that makes sense.

 

also, i was living in her flat for a while as i was having some work done on my place. its a TINY flat and the work on my place went way over schedule and the lack of space was driving us both nuts. an extraneous factor but not it has an affect when things arent going well and its hard to give each other space.

 

but agree with you. doing the same thing will just keep me going round in circles all the time and not lead to resolution either way

[greensleeves]

I think you should follow your gut and go with option B. You've gotten together with her on several occasions since the break up and feel there is still chemistry there, so why not just ask. You deserve to know what's going on in her head and as you said you also need closure on this if she's not thinking about reconcilliation and she may be hanging on to you as friend and support. This is making it far too hard on you. Just continuing with NC with the hope of her coming back and not knowing will only prolong things and you had come too far for that.

[Rosee]

So ideally you would like to give things another try?

I think it's fair enough for you to ask her straight up whether she is willing, but beyond that, as she was the one to end things, she needs to get her act together and make some of the effort if that's what she wants.

 

I'm not surprised you were analyzing that text, it was provocative (unless she calls everyone darling).

[Wandering_Sword]

What caused the breakup? Figure that out first before considering everything else. If not, you'll be back here in another couple of months. Remember, these are the holidays so people get soft and reminiscent about old feelings. Just be aware not to fall into that trap.

[bob1000]

I was kind of leaning that way and i'm still expecting to hear a negative response, so I'll be a whole lot closer to moving on than i am today. It's all in the price so to speak, the only surprise would be on the upside.

 

Everyone tells me as the dumpee it's not my place to ask about reconciliation, she's the one who has to come forward, but i figure as long as i don't beg and just ask straight out it's cool. I guess it's how you phrase it.

 

My concern with the whole NC approach is that if i was slowly making steps to reconciliation, no matter how slowly, and then just go back to basically ignoring her it may extinguish any chance I had. not only of getting back but also any chance of real closure. If we drift too far apart, then raising the subject becomes pointless and then whatever happens i'd be left with a feeling of not knowing, having never asked, and i'd find it much harder to move on from there.

 

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for the advice

[buckdawg]

i kind of lean towards 'everyone' here. she'll let you know when/if she's ready to reconcile.

[bob1000]

hear what you're saying buckdawg, and you're probably right. but i could go for months with this NC/LC/mixed signals stuff and keep hoping something is still there. I'd just rather push for the next stage, whether it's negative - i bite the bullet - or (slim chance) we try again. We're still on good terms so I think she'll give me a straight answer.

i love this site, it's given me some great insight and inspiration but, i don't want to be here chasing ghosts in six months time.