Low self-esteem ruining my relationships

[locolady]

Hi all,

 

I havent been on this site in a while but found the kindness of people very helpful last time I was feeling very low so here goes...

 

I am 23 and seem to have a problem with my relationships in that my low self-esteem and jealousy cause conflict and heart ache. I had a 4 year relationship that was dogged by my jealousy, temper, angry arguments and eventually ended with my ex-boyfriend cheating on me. I was heartbroken. After 18 long months of crying and tearing myself apart thinking I wasnt good enough and that I would never find anyone else, I did meet someone else.

 

We took it very slowly and I was happy to find that I did trust him despite the hurt I had felt with my previous relationship. However as time went on, I felt less trusting - he (like my ex) is the type of guy who loves female attention, is charming and perhaps a bit smooth. We began to have a few rows over one of his friends and on a few occasions I broke down in tears telling him I felt worthless.

 

He broke up with me a month ago blaming my insecurities and jealousy. We had been together a year. I am gutted because I did really want to be with him and hadnt realised that my issues were causing such problems. I think that because my first relationship was very fiery, I didnt think the few rows I'd had with my last boyfriend were that serious. However he feels I am self-destructive and distrusting.

 

I do have very low self-esteem and find it incredibly hard to trust. I would really like some help because I dont know what to do.

 

I feel worthless and at times despise myself. I worry that no-one likes me and that I contribute nothing.

 

Now I have failed in my relationship again, I want to change, I want to learn how to like myself.

 

Thank you

[Tethys]

Because of your issues, I think it was a mistake to get involved with someone who enjoys female attention and is "smooth." That sounds like it would inevitably turn into a blow-up. But, the past is past, but you might want to ask yourself why you are attracted to these types whom you know will end up causing you pain.

 

It might be best for you to abstain from relationships for awhile and seek some therapy for your self-esteem issues. When someone talks about how "worthless" they are, how they "despise" themselves, and how "no one likes them" and they "contribute nothing" -- well, I get worried. The last thing you need right now is a romantic relationship because all of these issues will eventually surface and you will hurt again.

 

Is there a way for you to find a good therapist to work with you on these issues? You don't have to live your life feeling this way -- there is always hope (to sound cliche'!). Please find some time for you to work on and improve yourself. Don't get into the position where you cling to someone who is not good enough for you because you don't feel you deserve better.

 

Don't give up on yourself.

[Rosee]

Sorry that you are hurting!

 

I have contributed greatly to the destruction of a relationship that was very important to me because of low self esteem and the flow on effects of insecurity and jealousy.

 

Sometimes it's hard to know how much of it is you though and how much the other person. Usually the other person has at least some part to play, so it could be that there was some reason to be jealous and insecure because of their behaviour.

However it's true that the poor self image will inevitably lead to problems in future relationships if you don't deal with it.

 

It's awesome that you acknowledge you have an issue and are ready to work on it, that's the first step.

 

Personally I found cognitive therapy incredibly helpful though you have to put what you learn into practice and you sometimes regress a bit into those old thought patterns if you're not vigilant.

 

What you 'say' to yourself is really powerful, and getting to the root of why you see yourself in such a negative light and how to learn to like and love yourself will change your life.

 

As I said I saw a therapist but you could start by looking on the internet or finding self help books to give you some ideas of how to alter your thinking for the better.

 

You are a valuable person and it's important that you don't take all the blame for what happened, I really doubt it was completely on you.

 

Good luck!

[wanderer]

speaking from a male perspective, my only two relationships i've had i believe to this day ended primarily because of my actions and/or frame of mind, and i've been on both ends of the stick: getting dumped because of it, and also dumping her because of my insecurities. granted the issues were more complex than that but you see that i know what you're talking about.

 

i have the same problemsl feeling worthless as a person and i can get quite jealous in a relationship. i think what rosee said was right, that you should take some time for yourself and don't even think about the pressures of dating or meeting guys or whatever, because that will just make you start to analyze yourself again. i know it's not the answer we like to hear because we all would like to be a in a happy stable relationship as soon as possible, but it did me some good to step back after my two breakups and just focus on my schoolwork or whatever consumes your life outside of relationships.

 

what always helps me when i start feeling bad about myself is to make myself get up, get out and do something. the best thing for me is to go hang out with my buddies, no girls allowed kind of thing. that way i can be myself and i know my friends won't judge me. i'm certainly not a person with tons of friends, in fact i really only have two or three friends that i feel comfortable calling on the phone, but being around someone you know is always better for your self-esteem than sitting alone at home with nothing to occupy you but your thoughts. it took me a long time to realize that.

 

just remember that you're not worthless. those things they sell on tv that let you cook an egg in a microwave? THOSE are worthless.

[k_1971]

Hi Locolady

 

I understand what it's like to have low self-esteem. However your boyfriend needs to be sympathetic to your fears and must re-assure you as the trust is built up.

 

I'm sure you are a nice and likeable person. It doesn't matter how often people tell you that you're worth something, if you feel worthless, then no amout of persuasion will convince you otherwise. I speak from experience.

Trust is difficult, and often needs time to be gained - it doesn't happen right away.

 

Take it one small step at a time.

 

Best of luck

[Darkness_Falls]

Hi there, when I read your post I just had to reply. One person on this site said to me that my insecurities were almost like self fulfilling prophecies, I would worry so much about guys cheating on me or leaving me that I was pretty much pushing them away. I'm not saying you are to blame in your relationships, relationships are a two way thing. But does it make sense? I mention it because someone pointed it out to me and I realised I was doing this in my current relationship. And when I actually realised this I began to try to relax and tell myself that things are fine and I should just try to enjoy myself rather than worry about guys leaving me.

 

Have you thought about getting counselling? I am getting that at the moment and it is really helping me search for the root of my negative views and why I think I'm worthless enough for people to leave me. And I found that a lot of it stems to the relationships around me which are so negative and destructive, from past ones to present ones. I disected each one and found out that not even one was a positive one. Maybe you could think about doing something similar?

 

I think you should stay away from relationships just for the moment and work on yourself and finding out what makes you happy. Perhaps pursuing a new hobby, looking at your career path, catching up with old friends, looking at making new friends and getting in touch with family if you don't speak to them often.

 

Hope that helps.

[lightn]

I agree with everyone here. I can understand about not feeling worthwhile or what is wrong with me. You admitting that you have a hard time trusting which is understanable after your boyfriend cheated on you. It is hard to trust. It iwll take awhile for you trust but baby steps is needed and possible counseling. Geez, at times when my ex broke up with me without good reason I thought I did something wrong and what is wrong with me. It was not me, it was her with her issues. I tell you this that I will be more cautious in opening up and trusting also, but will open up every slowly.

You will get there and one day one guy will see you as you are worth it.