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<sigh>.....We're on a "break"

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Hello everyone,


I posted once, a long time ago about my relationship, and unfortunately I don't have good news about it right now.


We had been together for five years. We dated all throughout our undergrad years and went to separate schools for our masters degrees. We are in our 2nd year of grad school now, and this past year, our LDR kept us apart for 7 months straight.

Our first day together after this 7 month stint, he told me that he feels different now, but he can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong. He said he loves me more than ever and wants to take care of me, but he feels like the "romantic" love is missing. He said he is confused about why he is feeling this way, and ultimately, he decided that we should be single for now, because its not fair to me for him to be with me while having these doubts.

He said he wants to figure out whats wrong because he wants those feelings to come back and he wants for us to be together again. We are officially calling it a "break."


Needless to say I'm very heartbroken. This came out of nowhere, and even though I hadn't seen him in 7 months I always knew I loved him the same if not more than ever. It would take me forever to type everything we talked about, but he told me that the pain and loneliness was very great at times, even from the beginning of the LDR, but they were resolved when he would see me every few months. He never directly talked to me about how he was feeling throughout our time away from each other, and I feel that if he had opened up to me that things would be different. He also said while he never wanted to date anyone while he was away from me, he thought about how easy it would be to be with someone who is near him. He also said while he never actively thought about being with them, if he did end up with someone else it would probably be one of 2 very close female friends that he has at his school. He also said he plans on staying single while he figures everything out, and that hes not going out looking for a new relationship, but rather looking for what changed in him.

Even now after our break became official, he calls me everyday and we talk and everything feels normal to me. I honestly have so much hope and faith in the relationship that its bringing me comfort, but I am also afraid that we'll never be together again. I also realize that I can't make him feel something different than what he feels.


He also says he wants me in his life no matter what. He considered me his girlfriend and his best friend. If his feelings for me never come back, he wants to remain friends and he promises to always take care of me. I'm not sure I would be able to do all of that, and I'm highly doubtful that anyone he ended up with would want him to be close to me. It kills me to think about him with another woman. Interestingly, he said while hes thought about how easy it would be to date other people that live where we are, it kills him to think about me with another man.

We spend time together now, and I hope that its helping him realize feelings for me, but I fear that its helping him become more comfortable with seeing me as only a friend.

Has anyone else gone through this? If what we had was true love, then what could have changed in him. What did 7 months apart do to him that was stronger than 5 years of a relationship? We spoke on the phone just about everyday, and we saw each other when we possibly could although honestly that was not very often at all. I'm so hurt and confused, and I know he is feeling the same. Please help if you can. I love him with all my heart and I want this to work, and even if I can't make him feel a certain way I'd like to help him recover his feelings if I can. I wouldn't be so hopeful if he hadn't told me he wanted it to work too. Please help me.


Thank you

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He also said while he never wanted to date anyone while he was away from me, he thought about how easy it would be to be with someone who is near him. He also said while he never actively thought about being with them, if he did end up with someone else it would probably be one of 2 very close female friends that he has at his school.


What an odd thing to say. That sounds like perhaps his interest lies with these women rather than with you. The words in your avatar are very fitting. His logic is incredibly bizarre. I read your previous post from May where you were complaining that you drop everything to be with him but he wasn't too interested in seeing you very often. This relationship was going downhill for a long time. Consider this "break" a breakup. Also, he may be couching it in fancy words, but the bottom line is that he wants to date others..perhaps those two women who are closer to him. I think you need to walk away from him...he is feeding you lines to keep you hanging on..don't buy into it. He wants to date others.

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Thank you for your reply.

I appreciate your words and those thoughts have definitely crossed my mind. When I bring those things up with him, he regrets saying it, stating that he just mentioned those women because he is good friends with them. He swears to me that he has not cheated on me or been actively thinking about them as potential dates or girlfriends. I told him that nothing could hurt more than what I was already feeling so if he really wanted to be with either of them he needed to tell me and be upfront. He said no, he didn't and he in fact he wants to be single in order to figure out what has changed in him so we can be together again. I believe that.

And he just isn't the type to lead me along. I think that if he really wanted to be with either of them, he would have told me honestly when we broke up. He was very honest about everything else.


I know that it sounds like I'm defending him and disregarding what you say, but I'm not, and I do appreciate your words. They definitely have felt what you are saying. I guess that I'm trying to give more details about everything to show that things aren't so black and white, you know? Thats why I need help, because everything isn't so cut and dry.

Thank you again

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Things may not be cut and dry but the bottom line is that from your post in May, you were putting in a lot of effort and he was pushing you away and saying he didn't have time. He was too tied up with everything else in his life to make time for you. Now he doesn't know his feelings...and wants to be single. He may not necessarily be telling you the truth about those two women. That is a very very odd thing to say if he had no interest in them...or perhaps one of those women were showing interest in him and that got him thinking. Who knows...but the bottom line is that he doesn't want a relationship with you at this point. I personally wouldn't believe that there is nothing going on with these other women...his words ring very hollow...saying he would always want to take care of you even if you are not together??? Why do you need to be taken care of...certainly if he finds someone else I don't think that someone else would like you in the picture that much. I really don't think you should make yourself so available to him. If he is confused, let him spend the time alone unconfusing himself. In a case like this I would strongly recommend no contact. Clearly, having contact did not do anything to allow him to appreciate you...if an absense of 7 months can do this to him, despite the fact that you were talking on the phone all the time...then clearly his feelings are not strong enough and the lure of having females close at hand is more important. If someone prefers a relationship based on convenience rather than on substance then they are not worth it. When someone really cares about their partner, distance will not change those feelings and the desire to make things work. Walk away and tell him that in order to heal you need no contact with him. It is only this way that he will realize that he can't take you for granted....if the distance is too much and he prefers a partner closer..then wish him well and wish him goodbye. Maybe he needs to find out what life is really like without you to consider what you really mean to him. As long as you are part of his life in some way, he will never know what your absense means to him. If he never comes back then you know that even had you continued being his friend, he wouldn't have wanted you romantically anymore anyway.


By the way, that puppy is adorable!

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  • 11 months later...

Hello Crazyaboutdogs (and anyone on else interested!),


I created this thread about a year ago and I would just like to thank you again for your replies and give you an update.


In the year since my breakup, I've learned a lot about myself as a person, and I realized how good of a friend and girlfriend I really am. I also realized how much I loved who I THOUGHT my ex was. I now know that I was in love with the idea and feeling of loving and caring for another person. Being nurturing and caring is in my nature, and having someone to receive that side of me made me happy. If I take away all that I put into the relationship, all that's left is bare bones and evidence that I should have left him a long time ago.

The break up gave me time to think and also take off my rose colored glasses and look at other relationships and see how one sided my relationship was from the beginning. Seeing other friends getting engaged or married or even just getting flowers on Valentines day or just randomly made me think about my relationship. For years I took up for him when friends and family expressed concern for how one sided things were. Now I realize that I should have listened, maybe I'd have saved myself the heartache when he got finished with me.

Needless to say, our break turned into an official break up as I realized a long time ago that he had no interest in coming back. The idea of him trying to figure out if he wanted to be with me turned from a notion that gave me hope to a notion that made me angry, to a notion that made me think. Is the thought of being with me so terrible that he has to reason with himself about it? To convince himself that he loves me? It's insulting and I deserve better.

I also think that you were right about the whole "I would probably date one of 2 girls" thing. Facebook pictures of him and one of the girls have recently popped up, and while none of them are lovey dovey in the least, they are pictures from a party and she is right next to him each one. He also stopped contacting me completely about 4 months ago. So much for someone who wants "to take care of me" or to even stay friends with me. It's obvious to me that he wanted me out of his life. That or he is with this new girl, and like you said, she would not want me hanging around.


In the end I am still single now, partially because for a few months I did wait for him to come back, and partially because I have just been too busy to think about getting in a new relationship. Life has been treating me well and I have great friends and I have furthered my education at a great top tier school. In the months after the breakup when I first felt sad and like time stopped, life went on...so I could either let it pass me by or I could keep moving with it! Taking some time to work on my confidence and realize how many great qualities I have has really improved my life.


Anyone who is reading this who has had their heart broken and tried to hold on...don't! Find the good things within yourself and move on! I know it's hard, believe me, I do. But life goes on and you will be ok

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I am sorry that things never ended up working out for you..but it is great that you got YOU back and you realized that you had been settling for second best. I would guess that the way he treated you is the way he is treating this new person in his life. Don't let the pictures fool you...smiling faces for the camera don't tell the real story behind the scenes.

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