If this is the right thing to do, why do I feel so bad?

[Mustang]

I sent my ex an abrupt text earlier. As some of you may know, we had been planning on meeting over Christmas. She said she couldn't do this week and she said "how about the 3rd/4th of January?" I agreed to that.

 

But in the last couple of days, I've really started to question everything and think I need to leave her to do whatever she wants to do. I've been making it too easy for her. She knows that whatever she does, I'll be there waiting for her. I can't help but feel stupid about the whole situation. I found out from her friend last night that she's going to celebrate the new year in Scotland with some uni. There was a guy that she was holding hands with in some Facebook pictures before we split and he lives in Scotland. Doesn't take a genius to work out why she's going all that way. Then again, I could be wrong, could just be a bunch of friends travelling up there and what not, but when I asked her what she was up to for NYE she didn't respond. I guarantee she won't tell me that she's going up there.

 

So I sent her a text today saying: "Hi. I'm going back to London tomorrow. Have a good new year. x"

 

She sent me a text back saying: "That's a shame. The drink can wait until I'm back in London then. Hope you have a wicked new year. I'm sure you will. xxx"

 

I was kind of hoping for a reaction of some sort. I was kind of hoping that given my text wasn't friendly or flirty that she may have been a bit upset and worried that I was annoyed or upset with her. But she seems perfectly happy without me. I still believe that she cares for me on somme level, but I think she needs to lose me completely before she realises anything, if at all.

 

What really annoys me is that I know that I am doing the right thing for me. I really can't keep putting myself under such stress anymore. I want to enjoy new year. But this feels like the wrong move.

 

I am going to just go NC from now and let her come to me. She suggested meeting for a drink on January 4th and I have backed out. Which shows that I'm not going to meet her on her terms. I will cease all communication with her from now on. This might make her think. If not, then as the saying goes, she was never that into me in the first place.

 

I really want to tell her that I love her and I really would do anything for a second chance but I thought that might just push her away. At least this way, she'll perhaps wonder "Hmmm. Why has he just backed off?" Maybe.

 

But I will need lots of support from you guys in the next few weeks. I really can't imagine my life without her. The worst thing is that I really do believe that we could get back together one day. But I think that her head really isn't in the right place right now. As I said yesterday, she's abandoned a lot of her other friends since going to uni.

 

Have I don't the right thing? Being a bit abrupt and then cutting contact? Or should I have been more honest? Will she see this as me being rude to her? Or will it get her attention?

[Confused13]

You should just back off completely, sad as it is, she knows where you are if she wants to contact or speak with you.

 

If you could message her without hope or agenda being attached then I would say go ahead but everytime you text her you are expecting a certain reaction in your own mind. People react to things in different ways.

 

She will come back to you if she WANTS you not cause you send her a text saying your returning to London. People have free will.

 

I'm in the same position as you and it's hellish but pls be strong

 

xxx

[greensleeves]

I followed your other thread and I think you did the right thing. Who knows how it will work out in the end, I'm in the same position too. I started NC about 3 1/2 weeks ago after my ex said he need a break and some time. To be honest, I initially started it thinking it might get him want to come back and there are still moments I feel that way, but for the most part it's allowed me to evaluate the relationship and now I doubt that even if he contacts me I will see him again. It does get better with time...I've come a long way in a very short time and at the very least NC prevents you from doing or saying anything overly emotional or that you may regret. It is a hard thing to do, but in the long term, it's the best thing for you. She knows where to find you and if she contacts you, you will have to make a decision at that point whether or not it's in YOUR best interests to see her. Hang in there and we will support you for sure!!! This site has helped me so much

[Mustang]

Thanks guys.

 

What's really hard about this whole situation is that I still don't have any closure. Not once have we spoken about "us". I've been hoping to get some from her by asking her out, but I'm just not willing to put myself on hold and let her call the shots.

 

She suggested meeting after new year and I've now said that I am going back to London. Which shows that I'm not sitting around waiting for her and I have my own life to get on with.

 

I am trying to get myself into the frame of mind that I am the catch and I think the only way that's going to happen is if I walk away from her completely.

 

I know that during the break up I did all the usual sort of stuff, but in recent months we've become friendly again. To her, nothing's really changed - she's having fun without having to make any effort to see me. Plus I've been so nice her. The way I see it, she's not had any time without me. I would've done anything for this girl and she means the world to me still. The whole "wanting what you can't have" thing definitely applies.

 

I've been super nice to her thinking it'd bring her back. I think by walking away she'll realise what she's lost. I know she will. When I said that I was going back to London, she still got in contact and said we'll go out for a drink some other time. But if I ignore her for long enough, she WILL feel bad. I know her. Whether or not that changes anything remains to be seen but at least I won't be putting myself through so much * * * * trying to work everything out.

 

I can say without any doubt that she will text me on new year's day. The hardest part will be to ignore her. I don't want to come accross as being an arsehole.

 

I just wish that she'd open up to me a little bit. Not completely but just say something like "I miss hanging out with you". Anything. Just switching off her feelings and talking to me like a stranger in the street might make her feel less guilty about ditching me but I realise now that I should've done this a long time ago.

[greensleeves]

I just wish that she'd open up to me a little bit. Not completely but just say something like "I miss hanging out with you". Anything. Just switching off her feelings and talking to me like a stranger in the street might make her feel less guilty about ditching me but I realise now that I should've done this a long time ago.

 

I know...that's the hardest part. Going from being the most important person in their world to all of a sudden feeling like it never meant anything to them at all It'll all work out as it's meant to, in the meantime, take care of YOU so that you'll be ready when someone who is derserving of your love comes into your life.

[orangesoda]

I'll try to address your points here:

 

1. Stop looking for closure. It's not going to happen. You want her to make an effort to have a heart to heart about 'us' when she obviously does not see an 'us' at the moment.

 

2. Stop going out of your way for her (being nice). Live your life according to your schedule.

 

3. She's not making herself available to you...so why is it that you're making yourself available to her? Don't answer her calls immediately. Let her wait a few days. Don't reply to her texts immediately either. Get to them when you get to them. Some girls will criticize you for playing games if you do this. It's not a game. If it hurts you to be so available to her, then it's NOT a game. I think that you're getting 'friendzoned' hard right now. And believe me, once you're in that zone, it's near impossible to get out.

 

4. You need to get the hell out of her life immediately. You're making this breakup way too comfortable for her. If she's looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side, then let her do so ON HER OWN. The best thing you can do right now is literally vanish. She might see it as rude that you become unreachable...but those are the consequences of breaking up. She needs to understand that, feel it, experience it. If anything, she SHOULD understand that its hard for you and that you can't be in her life so readily after a breakup. If she doesn't understand that, then I'm not sure she cares so much for your feelings.

[Mustang]

YES! Thank you. I agree. That's exactly the sort of thing I needed to be told.

 

I just know that I would never have done what she's done to me. But I have to stop thinking about it. I have to start being angry with her. The fact is, she ditched me for a stupid reason.

 

I could've done what she did to me last year when I started uni. I sacrificed a lot for her last year. I used to miss out on a lot because my weekends were dedicated to her. I don't regret that at all because I loved her, but I feel such an idiot for doing it when all she did when she got to uni (in the same city!) was chuck me and start going out and having loads of fun without me. It was basically her saying to me "F*** you! I don't need you anymore."

 

I just hope that I can remain strong because I do miss her. Well, I say that, but I really don't know who the hell she is anymore. The girl I was with and loved was kind, loyal, sweet and sensitive. The current girl is selfish, thoughtless and cruel. No idea what happened to her but I know for a fact that either she'll feel really guilty about it one day or better still, it will come back around and she will be left high and dry.