I want a reconsiliation - are the signs there??

[Confused13]

Hi,

 

I since my initial post in the 'breaking up' forum I have asked my ex to leave me alone as, although I want him back, his mixed signals were driving me crazy and I would rather not speak to him than have to predict his moods all the time.

 

He has text me today to apologise for being an a**e and has admitted he is finding it hard to let go and whilst deep down he is doubtful we could ever work this does not mean he is finding it easy in letting go of me. He admits when I leave him alone and do not reply to his texts he panics about the fact that I might be moving on and this is when he turns nasty as he is hurt and text's me to remind me that he exists.

 

Why is he doing this?

 

He says he doesn't think that it can work bu when we are together it feels right.....confused by this statement as the 2 go hand in hand for me.

 

Pls any advice would be much appreciated

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is doing what typical dumpers do...he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you until he finds someone else. You need to be firm with him and tell him that if he feels it won't work, then you need to cut off all ties with him in order to move on. His wishy washy behaviour is just causing you confusion and that is not fair to you. He needs to sort his own head out without you being his crutch.

[pryda]

Yeah, he sounds pretty messed up about it, and you don't deserve this. You've gotta be careful - some people appear to sit on the fence and come accross all "confused" but really it's just because they don't have the guts to be up front and honest about things.

 

You're just gonna have to give him an ultimatum:

"Do you want to try and work things out or not? If your answer is anything other than 'yes', please do not contact me anymore."

 

The best thing here is to give him space - even if he didn't ask for it, he sure as hell needs it. If you stay in contact, he'll never work out what he truly wants. So unless he decides right now that he wants to give things another go, 'no contact' is the only policy.

[Dako]

...I have asked my ex to leave me alone as, although I want him back, his mixed signals were driving me crazy and I would rather not speak to him than have to predict his moods all the time.

 

Your signals are also mixed. You want him but tell him to leave you alone.

I'd concentrate on moving on.

 

You can do better.

[Confused13]

Thank you both for your comments.

 

When we first split up he was very 'This is definitely not what I want we have to leave it now' so I did do as he asked and left him alone for about 2 weeks....no contact whatsoever.

 

He then comes back and tells me he is unsure.

 

Do I risk putting myself on the line again and asking him a second time ' do you want to sit down and discuss the possibility of trying again' or do you think he is playing games.

[Dako]

You need to listen to him.

He said this was definitely not what he wants, and that he's unsure.

 

I'd consider him ambivalent about being with you.

Are you willing to pine for a guy who's that unmotivated?

[Confused13]

I hear what your saying I really do. I guess I'm hearing what I want to hear from him.

 

The fact that he WAS sure 2 weeks ago and now he is wavering are good signs to me.

 

But I appreciate any input as this site has really helped me the last few weeks

[thouse]

I hear what your saying I really do. I guess I'm hearing what I want to hear from him.

 

The fact that he WAS sure 2 weeks ago and now he is wavering are good signs to me.

 

But I appreciate any input as this site has really helped me the last few weeks

I know how you feel, my ex also feels that we could never be happy together because of outside factors but nevertheless this is the way he feels. Yet he feels the need to tell me how I am the best girl he's ever had, how he still loves me, and that he knows he made a mistake by letting me go. He says all these things but the one thing that is missing is action on his part, so I take those words with a grain of salt and I am looking for someone who not only can say all those nice things to me but who can also show me and make me feel like I am so important to him that he would do whatever it took to make us work

[blender]

This is about HIM, not about you.. trust that his fear, anxiety, guilt gets an alleviated fix when he contacts you then he goes right back to his "wishy-washy not sure it's gonna work out" garbage.

 

Heck no one knows if ANYTHING is going to work out, but when one is ready and knows that they want LOVE in ther life, they don't look for gaurentees, you just MAKE THE EFFORT TO WORK AT IT, and right now he is NOT doing so..

 

he is NOT making a clear intnetional effort to make you a priority in his life, so there is no self respecting healthy reason for you to reply or have any contact with him. He's not calling to see how YOU are, or to say "I want to make this work"..he's contacts out of his own fear, need, curiosity, anxiety, it's all about HIM.

 

If it was about the "relationship" then he would be calling and saying "let's try to make this work".

 

So if or when you do speak to him, you can say in a clear, calm non dramatic mature self respecting way to him: "It's best for me to not have contact with you while you are still so unsure as to what your intentions are regarding us, because right now it's too confusing, hurtful and not healthy for me to be in limbo and I need to get busy with my own life, I'm sure you can respect and undestand this, I wish you the best, IF you discover that you want to make an intentional effort towards us reconciling as a couple, THEN you may contact me."

 

See by setting this standard and value for your own heart, it is the most empowering, attractive and healing choice. What's the alternative? You ALLOW HIM to be in and out of your life to make HIMSELF ease out of the relationship with comfort all the while you are hopeful, confused and hurting? OR you respectfully set some boundaries and self loving conditions on why he can contact you, and then you are free, free to heal, free to explore all the wonderful possiblities in your own life, and he then has the opportunity to miss you, wonder about you, suffer through the consequences of breaking up with you and no longer have the honor or the "ego fix" of you just "being there on the side lines"..and then maybe he will discover that he does in fact want to reconcile... No contact is the way for him to have the opportunity to discover this.

 

If in time he does not show up in the RIGHT INTENTIONAL way in your life, then you'll be glad you set the standards, and that you moved on when you did, and you'll be busy healing, growing, and eventually learning to love again in a more healthy self respecting way.. and it might even be with him, but right now he is clearly NOT ready to intentionall cherish a woman in a respectful loving, loyal and consistent way.. and that is what YOU deserve and it starts with you doing so for yourself..

 

do not allow yourself to be in some "hopeful holding pattern" when it's so very clear that he is NOT emotionally ready to love you the way you deserve.

[thouse]

Thanks, this was definitely helpful for me also.