My wife 7 year itch

[smallguy]

This is my first post. I have read lots of encouraging text on this site, and I'm glad in an indirect way that I'm not alone, so thank you to everyone who's words of wisdom have been a comfort so far.

 

I have been marries for 7 1/2 years, we have two small boys ages 3 and 6. Two weeks before christmas my wife tells me that she has fallen in love with someone at work, nothing sexual, apparently but that's on the way. She doesn't want to be with me anymore, because she has connected with this new guy on a level that she thinks I am incapable of, like giving her emotional support etc. She has said that the breakdown of our marriage has nothing to do with the new guy, and that her relationship with him may amount to nothing.

 

The way that this has left me feeling has brought out characteristics in my personality that I am embarrassed about. I read her emails, and to my horror discovered that this relationship she has been having is really intense and that she claims never to have loved anyone this much before. I feel really shocked, there was no warning, just normal marital ups and downs. She says the whole thing is my fault for taking her for granted, but really these two are sending french poetry to eachother etc, they are like a couple of lovesick teenagers.

 

The worst thing is that we obviously share the marital home which until 18 months ago I bought and paid for, I closed my business and now i'm half way through university. So I have no incone. She says that she is prepared to support me until I finish. My choice is to either move out, and thereforeeee away from my boys, when at the moment I am primary carer, I get them up, feed them, thake them to childcare/school, or I can stay here like some live-in babysitter and torture myself by watching her walk around the house sending him texts, and getting all dolled up to go out with him. How am I supposed to cope with that. It is impossible for nc and unbearable to stay here. I have a feeling that the whole thing will get legal and horrid.

 

I desperately need to find a way of coping both with the emotional side of things and the practical side of things- how long before new guy moves in here and mylittle ones are calling him dad- However I look at the future now, it just seems bleak. The only appealing thing I can think of is to finish my BA and then leave- different country fresh start. Sure i'd miss the kids, but I don't know wether I can stand by and watch someone else spending so much time with them because none of this is my choice. any advice welcome.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh wow...whether or not you took her for granted does not at all justify what she is doing. She is completely disrespecting you. What was her personality during the marriage? It is rather cruel that the minute you are more dependent on her financially, she pulls a stunt like this. Did she ever talk to you about her unhappiness in the marriage (be honest with yourself when you answer this question)? For your own sanity, you might want to re-think your options...legally and financially. She is throwing this affair in your face and she knows that it will be difficult for you to leave considering the financial constraints and the fact that you are back at school. Do you have family you can talk to. It actually might have to get ugly and you might have to bite the bullet and even try to throw her out. If you are the primary care giver of your children, you might be able to argue that you need the house etc. If she wants to have an affair and doesn't care that you see it...let her go live with loverboy. Talk to a lawyer and see what you can do about throwing her out. You should not have to be subjected to this kind of indignity.

[southerngirl]

She has broken the marriage vows.

 

I think that you should sue for custody. What she is doing is horrible.

 

She is the one that has brought this onto your family. What she is doing is having an affair.

[sambox2000]

You have to understund that it has nothing to do with you. As crazyaboutdogs mentioned, this is just disrespectful. She never really loved you in my opinion, because if she did, she would at least show some respect here and first divorce you or settle with you and than start her affair. But she doing that infront you ( it is painful as hell) means that she wants to torture you and slowly destroy your life. You have to be a man. Moreover, on legal grounds you might even be a winner, since she is being a bad example for the children and destroying your family life. Talk to a counseller at your university. There are even free legal counsellers, who can help you out.

 

Sam

[rs.dallaire]

What's happening to you really stinks.

 

The situation that you describe is rather common.

 

Did she ever get clinically depressed during your marriage? Does she have a history of "falling in love" easily?

 

All of the things that she told you (e.g. how she fell in love with him etc.) is pure bull * * * * . Soon she will realize it too.

 

Before you take this to court, are no fault divorces the norm in your state? What she did is totally reprehensible but in a state with no fault divorces, you won't have any arguments in front of the judge. It's not like she did drugs or had sex in front of your kids.

 

As much as it is difficult to do right now, you must focus on your kids and make decisions in their best interest. As for your wife, she has no clue what she's doing.

 

Before you take this to court, you should do everything you can to protect your kids (and that often involves NOT going to court). Your wife feels guilty right now so it's a good time to negotiate the terms of the separation.

 

Feel free to contact me if you need further help, support or advice.

[Rum]

I agree with rs post 100%.

It is very common, but usually there are warning signs. Try to look back and see if you noticed behaviour changes. has this been going on for a long time?

 

Eventually she will snap out of it, but many times it's too late. She clearly is not seeing things straight at all. Self-centeredness is a caracteristic of these affairs.

What takes me back in this is the coldness and the way it's flaunted in front of you.

 

I've just been thru all this, and all the details were revealed to me by her. In my case she had 'snapped back' and came to her senses. Today we are working in why she could do this.

But she did terrible things in the past year that she can't believe she did (nor do i). One thing she told me was that she would purposefully do things to get me angry or annoyed and pushed me away.. that was because she felt guilty in some of her actions, and felt i did not deserve her.

But i was never flaunted the affair partner in front of me or ever felt i needed to compete with him.

Today, after counselling, she (and I) are seeing what they had was crumbs basically. It's almost insulting to me. My wife was really into the emotional attchment to him, but she never really got it, and their talks consisted of superficial talk. My wife realised this a good while ago, but for me i thought they had this great little life (lie) together, but it was nothing.

 

One day your wife will see that too. BUT, having read so many books on this and seeing what the counceling has taught me is that for the most part these 'flings' need to run it's course.

There are certain things that can be done to not push her away more if you want to try and save this. I wouldn't know, i found out near the end of the affair.

 

Is she willing to want to try to work this? Have you mentioned councelling?

First, she will have to want to go. She will find out she has character flaws that allowed her to cheat, and she will have to work on them. So getting a cheating partner to firstly admit that is hard. They are now in denial to begin with.

 

She can say all she wants that you took her for granted, so that justifies her cheating? It's all bull and has nothing to do with you.

 

Your post seems to be looking on the negative side of things, about a future with no wife, changing jobs, countries, etc.

You should be trying to fix this with the person you've been married to for 7 years. There should still be a little bit of that person left in her that could see common sense. If anything, at least a try to see if a marriage can work thru counselling. If it doesn't, then it doesn't.

But for her to run away like that and then flaunt it means she needs help.

[Mr. Brightside]

Eventually she will snap out of it, but many times it's too late.

 

I wouldn't wait for her to snap out of it now that you know it's on YOUR time. She's already disrespected you enough. From what you've said, it sounds like she is flaunting it, not willing to work on things, etc. You can ask her if she wants to work on things, but she is at the height of the emotional rollercoaster. Most likely she will look at you like you are mad for even asking. All you can do is ask, but don't wait for her to come down off whatever high she is on. Can you imagine what this behavior is going to teach your children??? Get out of there for their sake!

 

Here is what you can do: Talk to an attorney about what will help your separation/divorce case if it comes to that... such as...

 

Collect as much evidence of the affair as you can. E-mails (with the header/send receive information in case it is used in court), phone records to this guy's number, letters, notes, etc. Anything you can muster that burned a hole in your heart is good evidence. ALSO DOCUMENT everything you try to do to salvage your marriage. Any notes you send her, audio of you trying to work it out, etc. You will be glad you did. Judges tend to see this behavior in the same light as a person not able to control themselves/emotions. Hard to raise kids when you can't even control yourself. Then you can articulate that she broke the marriage vow (proven with evidence), you've attempted to salvage the marriage even with her behavior (proven with evidence AND refutes any BS counter-argument given by her about "not getting enough emotional support from you"), and for the sake of the children you wish to leave the marriage to get them out of such an unhealthy scenario.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I have been through a similar scenario in the past. Do as much as you can to salvage things with her, but DO NOT let her "find herself" on your OR YOUR KID'S time. Document, document, document... just in case she gives you the verbal finger.

 

Can you even imagine what kinds of diseases she could be introducing to you and your kids??? You don't know this person anymore... or have you ever??? She is playing disease roulette with you and your family's lives. There is no time to waste!

[Mr. Brightside]

when at the moment I am primary carer, I get them up, feed them, thake them to childcare/school, or I can stay here like some live-in babysitter and torture myself by watching her walk around the house sending him texts, and getting all dolled up to go out with him. How am I supposed to cope with that.

 

You NEED to DOCUMENT THIS STUFF. This is one more thing she is NOT doing while she continues to endanger the lives of your children. You aren't supposed to "cope" with this crap. If she is unwilling to stop and work on things, you need to accept that she is a stranger... a different person from the woman you married (or thought you married).

 

However I look at the future now, it just seems bleak. The only appealing thing I can think of is to finish my BA and then leave- different country fresh start. Sure i'd miss the kids, but I don't know wether I can stand by and watch someone else spending so much time with them because none of this is my choice. any advice welcome.

 

Come on, I know you don't mean that. If you left the country, you would essentially be abandoning your kid's only chance at a role model. Your wife already decided her libido is more important than your children. Don't do anything similar. You are really the only role model these kids have left. This is where the rubber meets the road. You have to stand tall weather the storm. Your kids will definitely appreciate it in the long run. Try to get a part time job while going to school part time. Do you have any family or friends nearby that you and your kids can stay with temporarily?

[Olive.Juice]

What makes you assume that your wife would allow your children to call another man "dad"? Also, what makes you think that she would not you allow to spend the time they need with you?

 

I think before you go running away from the situation you get a grip and realize that, most likely, what you are assuming will not be so. Your wife is not judging your parenting skills or the relationship you share with your kids... rather your skills as a husband and your relationship with her. You will be doing considerable damage to your children if you leave them like that. Granted, what you are going through it probably killing you on the inside. But, you need to suck it up and be there for your kids no matter what.

 

I wish you the best in this situation and am sorry you have to deal with this.

[Aleadragonhawk]

You need to meet with a lawyer to discuss your situation and your options. Also, will your wife consider going to couples therapy with you, to try and work out some of your issues?

[Rabican]

1. Put the house up for sale.

 

2. File for divorce.

 

3. Tell her that until you two are officially divorced, she can talk to him outside of the house, but not inside the house. I wouldnt put up with her talking to another guy while in your house.

 

4. Take a break from school temporarily in order to get your finances straight, and then go back.

 

5. Kick her to the curb!

[Rabican]

Oh, one other thing bro, dont blame yourself. The fact that this is all your fault... yeah thats the thing cheaters say to pass blame for their failures. Look at how rediculous that is. you walk down the isle, get married before god, friends and family until death do you part. And here she is 7 years later rushing to another man and thats your fault!!!!! I dont think so buddy, she can blame anyone she wants, but the fault lies with her. Unless you put a gun to her head and forced her, then she made her own descisions. If she wanted to end it, she could have filed for divorce and ended things with you first, then moved on.