healing while trapped in a small town

[captain_anonymity]

Hey everyone, I'm 22 and I've just passed the 4 month mark actually about 4 and a half now of breaking up from my first serious relationship. We were together for 2 and a half years we got engaged last year, we've harbored each other through hard times (but isn't that true of every relationship) her through a fairly severe eating disorder abusive parents and shattered self esteem, me through my first time away from home and many other things. We have a lot of good memmories together, and we seemed very happy until september when we moved so she could attend pre-med and I could be closer to my family. The night before she left for school she told me again how she wanted to spend the rest of forever with me, and how much she loved me. 11 days later she decided it was time to call it quits. There wasn't anyone else in the picture yet, and she was at least careful with my emotions.. as careful as one can be telling someone you just don't love them anymore, so fortunately there's no bad blood. At least not in the same way as if she'd been cheating or turned into the ex from hell. Anyways she told me the day after Christmas (we'd been no contact for a month and a half prior to that) that she was going out with someone else, it's only been a week and nothing intimate had happened yet, but she wanted to tell me so I wouldn't hear it from someone else (two of my best friends go to school with her). Anyways long story short I'm still coping with a broken heart, I've come to terms more or less now that she's not going to come magically running back to me and has moved on, and I realise that what happened probably is what's best, if the feelings weren't there anymore I'd rather she tell me before we got any more serious, than force herself to try and love me and end it much more painfully down the road. I've deleted her off of my MSN and facebook to remove that urge to send drunken e-mails or spy on her via facebook, I'm finishing off highschool by correspondance finally getting my license, reconnecting with family and friends. Pretty much trying to do all the things that I've heard reccomended for getting over heart break, with a couple of exceptions. I haven't destroyed the old love letters or photos of us I just locked them away in a box, and I know that she's done the same thing, kept the engagement ring in her hope chest all the old poems and love letters are there too, and the painting I did for her most recent birthday still hangs on her dorm room wall. I don't know if this is a bad thing, many people seem to think it is, and I know undoubtedly one day I'll turn back to read those letters and cry, but destroying them just seems wrong.

 

Anyways please excuse the rambling I wanted to kinda give a back story, my predicament, and what I really want advice on is this. I live on the outskirts of a small Canadian town I have no vehicle, I'm living in a one room cabin I built a few years back on my parents property, and unfortunately this isolation is making it extremely difficult to get over the break up. I want to start dating again casually I know I need to get back in the saddle and it will take some of the sting out of her having moved on as well. However as I mentioned it's a small town, and I live a good 3 kilometer walk outside of it, there isn't a very large population of dateable women here since it's primarily a retirement and summer resort town the only women here are either highschool aged and thereforeeee way too young for me, or middle aged and above. The girls I went to school with and most of the people in my generation have moved on to larger centres, and those without the drive or intelligence to graduate highschool for the most part became pregnant fat, and now sit around in trailer parks with their abusive common law husbands drinking. The only bars in town are frequented by these same toothless types, and are real dives. They're great for playing pool in or drinking your face off, but picking up women is a dangerous prospect ( the condom machine in the washroom includes a disclaimer that the product is not meant for the prevention of diseases or pregnancy) and half the women there are missing more than 2 of their adult teeth.

 

I guess my question is this. Has anyone had to endure painful heartbreak in an isolated town with very few resources available to them? Most of my old friends have left town so I feel alone, there are no dateable women so I can't even get a decent rebound relationship, there are no facilities offering martial arts or pottery workshops or what have you. There is nothing I am stuck in a dirty little hell in the middle of a * * * * ing snow belt in northern Ontario. How do I overcome heartbreak in this isolation. Anyone know?

[fivespot]

I guess my question is this. Has anyone had to endure painful heartbreak in an isolated town with very few resources available to them? Most of my old friends have left town so I feel alone, there are no dateable women so I can't even get a decent rebound relationship, there are no facilities offering martial arts or pottery workshops or what have you. There is nothing I am stuck in a dirty little hell in the middle of a * * * * ing snow belt in northern Ontario. How do I overcome heartbreak in this isolation. Anyone know?

 

Hey cap'n! I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. But I can relate!

 

It doesn't seem like the end of the world when you breakup with someone when you're in college because there's always new girls to meet. Same thing if you live in a big city...just head down to a coffee shop or a club with some friends and you're bound to meet someone.

 

But I don't live in a big city...I live in a major s*** town like you. I'm not far from bigger cities, but the closest "bigger" town is about an hour's drive away and that's too far for a relationship. I found that out the hard way as my ex lived an hour away.

 

I never minded the drive, but apparently she did (although she said that wasn't the reason--the reason was she fell out of love with me).

 

So now I'm stuck. And I hate when people say there billions of people in the world, because while they're right, how many of those billions of people are actually in the 22-26 year-old age range? At least that's my age range, and I can tell you, there is NOBODY my age that still lives around here. They've all moved away after college and I'm pretty much here by myself because I got in with my family's business.

 

Otherwise, there'd be nothing here for me either. But it's so depressing because after you lose your love, it feels like the end of the world because there may be other fish in the sea...but too bad we don't live anywhere near the sea!

 

Is there anything keeping you where you live like me? If not, maybe you can put up with this for a few years until you can save enough cash to move away. My problem, like I said, is the family business is here and it was my choice to stay. But there are zero opportunities! And I hear you about toothless bars ha ha ha!

 

Do you jog or lift weights? You could try to learn a musical instrument or get some computer games to take your mind off things...but that only works for so long, as I found out.

 

If getting out of that town is really what you need, then make it your goal. If you can't leave or won't leave for other reasons, then you need to change your priorities and realize things may not turn out the way you wanted them to.

 

I know it sucks, but that's the realization I've had to come to. I've all but given up...and no matter how much it hurt, by now I've come to sort of accept it.

 

Good luck...I hope you can find a solution to your problem!

[Kiwi_Sweet]

No, but I had to grow up in a family that I knew nothing about, so that was just as hard.

 

Is moving away from that town an option for you? Because I think that would be the best thing to do. You might think there isn't a way out, but there is, you just have to be willing to give up a few things..You know?

[fivespot]

You might think there isn't a way out, but there is, you just have to be willing to give up a few things..You know?

 

That's exactly how I see it...even if you have to work two job for a while. If it means you can have a better life in the long run, then by all means, do it!

 

I save my money now for a better life down the road. I don't go out with friends like I used to, and I make a lot of sacrifices all for the sake of having things better later.

 

But in moving away, you'd have to be willing to give up your old friends, family, and way of life, and you have to adapt to a new way of living, especially if you're going to be living alone in a new city.

[greensleeves]

Well, I don't have a solution, just wanted to say I sympathize with you....that sucks. I know exactly the kind of town you mean...my Dad grew up in a small northern Ontario town and we had a cottage up there. In the winter there was nothing going on up there. Maybe you could try eharmony or something like that...it might be worth a shot. It sounds like you've handled the breakup really well, especially considering your circumstances. Do you ever think about moving away?

[Jess...]

I live in a small town. I was able to avoid my ex for the first 6 months or so, then I kept running into him every time I turned around. Luckily it was only while driving. But still - it's hard to get away from him.

 

Just keep yourself busy is all I can say. You don't have to join martial arts or anything - clean your house, go outside and do things, just anything you want to do.

 

Internet is the greatest thing in times like these.

[captain_anonymity]

Thank you all for your advice, it's really heartening to know that there are other people about. Like I said one of the most difficult things about my current situation is the isolation, and I was a little afraid I was firing my thoughts out into the unpopulated ether, but I'm glad I was wrong. Alot of you have said I should try moving out of town, and that is most deffinitely on the agenda, the reason we moved to Ontario from Alberta where she's from originally is because she was starting pre-med out here and I was going to live with my parents for the first year of her schooling so I could finish off my highschool courses and move to the city she's in to attend university myself in sept 2008. So I deffinitely have that on the horizon. Picking up and moving has never been much of an issue for me I'm kind of a rambler, and I truly believe home is where the heart is. I miss my family when I leave but I know they're always here to return to. When I met my ex I decided to travel 2700kms away to be with her. Over those 2 years or so we spent every day looking forward to the future hoping to get out of the town we were in out west to come back here. We kinda stopped living for the present in anticipation of our new lives here, which I know now was a dangerous and foolish thing to do. When we got here I thought we'd reached the light at the end of the tunnel, and for 41 days everything seemed blissful, but then with the breakup, the dream I'd chased for two years seemed to be yanked out from under me and I was just floating. Now I'm very leery of relying on looking to the future to prop me up. So yes within 6 months to a year I will hopefully be out of here again and in a city, and I certainly keep that in the forefront of my mind, though it doesn't help with the depression now and as I said I'm tired of only looking to the future as a source of brightness.

 

As far as working out taking up new hobbies etc. I've been trying all that I've gone on a fitness kick got myself in shape dropped 25 pounds, partly because before she found someone new I was hoping if I shaped up I could win her back partly because physical activity releases endorphins and combats depression. Unfortunately my body has adapted to the higher levels of endorphins and it's becoming less effective. I'm a fairly creative sort, I'd been painting and writing again which I haven't done in a few years as an outlet, but I found it was causing me to dwell on my memmories of her and emotions rather than move on so I've dropped that. Computer games.. I started playing WoW with some friends, for the first month and a bit it was a nice bit of escapism however after awhile it felt too much like I was wasting my day. Long story short, Yes I plan on getting out of here, however I can't really before june of this year so that leaves me 6 long months of isolation and depression that I'm looking for ways to combat now. Also the allegory of many fish in the ocean, I'm still quite a ways from any oceans and the fish around here aren't worth catching. A long distance e-harmony type relationship really isn't plausible as I don't have a vehicle/ drivers license. Thank you all though for your suggestions. It's just really good to be able to talk to people.

[greensleeves]

I'm a fairly creative sort, I'd been painting and writing again which I haven't done in a few years as an outlet, but I found it was causing me to dwell on my memmories of her and emotions rather than move on so I've dropped that.

 

Maybe you should try to get back to your painting and writing and look at this time as a sabbatical of sorts. Some artists and writers create their best work when they're isolated (and suffering from heartbreak ) Even though you found yourself focusing on the relationship when you tried it before, maybe you could try to shift the focus to something else, or just let the creativity flow and see what happens. I know that being isolated doesn't feel like what you want right now, but if you could view it as an opportunity to be creative it could actually be a life changing experience for you. Spending six months in isolaton in the woods would be a godsend for some people. If you haven't read Walden by Thoreau now would be a good time.

Just a thought.

[captain_anonymity]

That is very true, and though I have not read Walden I do certainly understand the sentiment. I have produced some writing and some art that I am proud of in the last 4 months, and I certainly understand that legitimizing my feelings is an important part of grieving and eventually healing, but I find that I have a very hard time drawing a distinction between legitimizing and dwelling upon. Using my isolation and my heartache as a creative muse has produced good work, and in the past when I was suffering from heartache in my late teens I pumped out journal after journal of some of the best writing I feel I've done, as well as a great deal of artwork. However I also felt that at that time it had caused me to hover over these negative emotions for far too long. Since they fed my creativity I think I was afraid to let them go. Our emotions especially love and grief are very powerful things, however power is a dangerous thing if it's not something that we can control and channel properly, and I feel that by giving license and free range to my emotions I'm likely to wallow in them and not move on. Certainly not something I want to do right now. Thank you for your suggestion though.

[greensleeves]

I can tell by your above post that you are a very good writer. Perhaps you could choose to spend a set time every day on your writing and stick firmly to that time limit. This could be a powerful opportunity for you to move forward with your life and make the best of the situation that you find yourself in.

[captain_anonymity]

That is a very good idea, and a strong possibility. Thank you.