Emotion: Slightly stressed?

[Gracelove]

So I was watching "Entertainment tonight" and Ricki Lake was on.

 

She was talking about how she was sexually abused as a child and that it contributed to her weight.

 

She said food was her comfort, and being big made her feel safe and secure, like boys wouldn't look at her.

 

Okay, I feel exactly the same way. But she said she is 39 years old, and just now, she feels like being her best, she has lost the weight.

 

That's an awful long time you know?

 

And then the eharmony guy was asking me if I exercise, etc. etc.

 

But I don't feel like I'll change for anyone or anything at this point.

 

I went from being anorexic and always obessesed with my weight, to being overweight.

 

And I'm comfortable now.

 

I still weigh myself everyday but it's not 10 times a day.

 

Anywho, I'm scared. I still feel like I don't men looking at me. I'm afraid that I'll go through another freak-out phase after losing weight, and I'm scared.

 

Life has been so hard sense my rape, and I'm not exactly sure why.

 

I mean there were really hard times right before hand, but still, it's harder afterwards.

 

And sometimes I think, "How could I possibly date again?"

 

And then when it comes to sex, I mean how could I actually have sex with a man.

 

I only had sexual intercourse with one person prior to being raped. And then one person afterward.

 

I mean, am I ever going to trust a man to get that close to me again? Or am I just fooling myself?

 

My ex, I trusted him with everything in me, and in the end I was a fool to trust him so much.

 

Yes, I want to be in a relationship, and I want to have children one day.....but am I being realistic?

 

Is it too soon? It hasn't even been 2 years since the rape yet. Am I pushing myself to far?

 

And this guy I'm talking to, he seems sweet.

 

And I'm growing so much. I'm feeling much more independent. I don't want to allow a man to ruin something for me again. Is that what I'm doing? Should I even be talking to someone right now?

 

I'm nervous. I'm feeling so very comfortable right now. And I don't trust another man with my body.

 

I like my weight, I like the way it makes me feel safe.

 

I am going to have enough trouble fighting to get it off this year, without having a breakdown in the process.

 

That's a major task for me to take on.

 

Somehow I've got to convince myself that I'll be safe without the extra weight I've gained.

 

And I know myself so well. I'm likely to be extremely emotional, and grumpy, and scared, and paranoid, and hysterical at times.

 

And then I'm worried about my parents. How will they take it? Other times when I've been all over the place, they've really hated it.

 

And now we are at a place where we are getting along and I'm afraid that things will get messed up again, during my losing weight process.

 

And it's not like before, like I can't lose a lot of weight at once.

I can't take those drastic changes anymore.

 

But I've lost 5 more pounds, and I don't feel bad about it or anything.

 

But...I think I'm being silly. I don't think I should be talking to anyone right now. I should make sure that I'm okay first.

 

I haven't comprimised on anything, in our conversations.

 

I don't know, I'm just scared, you never know what will happen in life you know?

 

We had a little tramatic situation with my cat on Christmas day. But everything turned out for the best.

 

Yesterday her leg got swollen, and I took her in to the vet today. She'll be fine, but she'll have to take medicine for two weeks, and wear that collar around her neck.

 

Anywho, I was freakin out inside, not knowing what was wrong with her.

 

I think I'm just stressed, and I'm on my period, so who knows......

 

Everything just seems so frail to me, right now. You never now when you'll be damaged beyond repair, you never know when someone you love will die, you never know what will happen next.

 

The last 3 or 4 years of my life have been extremely trying. One thing after another.

 

I'm pretty okay now, bad things don't phase me as much. The only thing I really focus on is the rape. When something bad happens, I compare it to that. If I overcame that, I can overcome almost anything.

 

Anywho, I just feel really sad.

 

But I don't want to curl up and hide under the covers like before. I want to stay busy. You know? I force myself to live through my pain nowdays. But I don't think...I don't know, I don't think I can do that when it comes to men. I mean, that is something that I shouldn't force.

 

I don't think I'm in a place where I can trust myself to be in a relationship.

 

That would be so foolish. You can't just let someone in, you know? You have to be guarded, you have to protect yourself.

 

I just don't want any more drama, or heart-break, I've had enough.

And if I'm not ready for heartbreak, then maybe I'm not ready for a relationship.

 

I don't know, I'm just kind of going on and on now. I just need to type to keep my hands busy. So I won't cry.

 

Anywho, I know this life is painful. But sometimes I wonder if you ever heal.

And then if you heal, will the scar tissue ever go away?

 

I guess sometimes I just feel like I'm in pain. Not often though. Somehow I've learned how to view things in a different light.

 

But when I thought I lost my cat on Christmas day, that was hard. And everyone else was crying, so I couldn't cry.

 

I just kept it in you know?

 

I've lost so very much, I don't want to lose my cat. I love her so much you know?

So that was a big scare.

 

I just feel so sad. Like I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.

 

And I have a college degree, but I don't have a job, not a real job.

 

And I don't want to work with animals that are being experimented on, I just don't.

 

I know it's helping people in some form or fashion, but I just don't want to do that.

 

And I'm feeling overwhelmed right now.

 

I miss my friends at work. I don't have a daily distraction anymore. It's just me, and television, and the net, and my family, and the pain that still lives within me.

 

And what I really want are two jobs. I want to be as busy as possible, because that's when I'm happy.

 

I love working. Working makes me feel so much better about life.

 

And I want to be a nurse, but I'm afraid it will depress me.

 

So I thought I'd be a nurse practitioner, but I don't know if I have to be a floor nurse first.

 

I want to help people, I love helping people. However people in pain...that is really hard to take in you know? I hate seeing living things in pain, it's so sad.

 

Oh well, enough of that.

 

I'm off.

 

Thanks for listening!!!

 

~Grace

[sweetharmony]

hey there, I've followed some of your posts and I know your situation and it is horrible. It sounds like you watch a lot of tv shows and news articles that trigger some negative emotions in you and reignite some of your issues that deal with your past hurt. maybe its best to avoid such news and tv shows. it also sounds like you have a lot of ups and downs. are you currently seeking help for your ED and for your situation? you don't want it to spiral into something again. experiencing something that traumatic can relead to your ED. I know you want to lose weight healhty, but maybe go to a nutritionist or Ed specialist since you've had some issues in the past with it, and I'd hate to see you go in that direction again. It appears you have a lot of up and down feelings. have you been properly seen a doctor? I am no advocate of medical advice, but it can be helpful with your situation. i wish you luck sweets.