ex wants to see me, but don't want to disrespect current bf

[lana111]

my ex would like to see me before the new year for closure (he's been seeing a psych he says). he has seemed to come along quite a bit the last couple months. at first he would cycle throught anger, sadness, and acceptance by the hour and call/ text me non stop. now he texts every other day and its usually just to say hi or let me know he still cares for me.

 

i would like to grant him this wish but in no way would i want to disrespect my current bf. would you think its better to

 

a) ask my bf if meeting my ex would be okay with him

or

b) just see my ex and let my bf know after the fact

or

c) say nothing as its innocent (trust me its innocent, on my part at least for sure) and i dont need to worry him

 

my bf is great and im sure would be fine as we have a lot of love and trust, but i just want to know what is the proper route.

 

thoughts?

[Psylocke]

Unless you have an extremely understanding bf I wouldn't do it. Think about how you'd feel if your current bf wanted to see his ex-gf. I think it could instill some trust issues in the future with your current bf.

 

It sounds like your ex still has feelings for you if he still texts you and makes contact ever other day. It's just not fair to drag him along and see him in person. It can and will conjour up many confusing feelings for both parties.

[Snoopy24]

Honestly, I don't think there is any reason to see your ex while he still has feelings for you.

 

It's great he is talking to someone about it, but you have moved on. It is up to him to deal with this. And most likely him seeing you will make him feel worse. I think you should cut contact with him until he is over you, whether or not your bf would even say it was okay to see him, it's disrespectful to your boyfriend.

[renaissancewoman101]

I can see why the ex wants closure. I've been in his shoes before. You sound like a caring and compassionate person. If I were you, I would meet up with him and give him the "closure" he desires. But, I would tell your current bf if he is really that understanding. That way there are no secrets and its all out in the open.

[girlie-girl]

I'd definitely ask the bf if it is okay before I'd ever consider meeting the ex. Innocent as it may be on your side, this other man does have feelings for you still and you once had feelings for him as well... that in itself is threatening no matter how understanding a person is.

 

Question that comes to my mind is, if it's completely innocent on your side why would you even contemplate keeping such a secret? That is a surefire way to lose trust in a relationship.

 

Does your bf know how often the ex contacts you now? If so, is he cool with it? If not, why doesn't he know?

 

Maybe if it's so essential the ex see you face to face for his closure, you should take your bf with if you choose to go at all. That way there are no opportunities for things to turn less than innocent. ;-)

[loveistough]

If you meet up with the ex tell you current b/f first.

[Bunney]

Definitely talk to your boyfriend before meeting the ex.. even though I don't consider it really necessary to meet him. But if you really want to meet up, ask your boyfriend and if it makes him uncomfortable, don't go.

[JadedStar]

I agree with the others who said it is not necessary to meet up with him. I am very shocked and even suspicious that a professional would suggest this to him in the first place...he or she should know if he still has feelings for you that meeting up face to face is not a good idea.

 

Meeting him will give him the wrong idea and risk hurting your boyfriend. If this were me I would tel him that I wish him well but meeting up face to face at this time is not in either of our best interests.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with the others who said it is not necessary to meet up with him. I am very shocked and even suspicious that a professional would suggest this to him in the first place...he or she should know if he still has feelings for you that meeting up face to face is not a good idea.

 

You don't think a professional would ever suggest to meet up to get closure or get some answers on some unanswered questions?

 

If she has some compassion for him, I would say she should meet up with him. He seems really in a bad place.

[JadedStar]

You don't think a professional would ever suggest to meet up to get closure or get some answers on some unanswered questions?

 

If she has some compassion for him, I would say she should meet up with him. He seems really in a bad place.

 

This is about her doing what is best for her and her new partner. Closure is overrated. If you still have feelings for a person meeting up with them and having them tell you directly why they left is not going to make you feel any better. Most people think that it will, but it won't. Your closure is normally in the form of "I think we should break up". There's your closure. The other person wants out....you have to respect that even if you don't like it because relationships are created and left based upon free will.

 

You call it compassion to meet up with him. I call it an exercise in futility. And it tends to get the ex's hopes up as well. If they see you they are going to just stir up even more feelings all over again if they are not over you.

 

I think a professional might suggest a person meet up for closure but i do not think that the professional in question has an expertise in relationships if they do so. One who specializes in relationship dynamics would realize that this is probably not the best exercise for either party and the reasons why i explained above.

[lana111]

thank you all for you insight

[Darkness_Falls]

If you think it will help your ex and you want to do it then just let your current bf know before you do it and fully explain the situation to him. Better to do that than have secrets which could escalate, truth always comes out in the end.

 

I'm sure your bf will understand.