It's sinking in that he never did love me

[itsallgrand]

It's had me really emotional these last few days. And for whatever reasons, it really started clicking in after seeing the man who abused me at Xmas.

 

So I've been feeling rather blue and crying a lot. And it's not easy for me to talk to my friends or family about this.

 

I feel very ashamed about it all. Not for the fact that someone once chose to abuse me.

And not for the fact that my ex didn't love me, and used me.

 

For the reason that I hated myself so much, and I got played by the ex, and I played too. And overall, I have been a bad person in many ways.

Emotionally manipulative, refusing to communicate openly, and neglectful too.

 

I've taken people who have honestly cared for me, for granted, and put energy into a jerk.

And it is still taking up energy, trying to move past all this.

 

I want to understand and make it right now. However I can.

 

It hurts a lot to realize and admit to myself that the ex didn't love me, and when it comes right down to it, I didn't love him really love him the way a person deserves to be loved either.

 

There was a lot of using back and forth. It makes me feel horrid. How could I do that? Not only to him, and others, but to myself? How could I turn my back on myself and think myself so disposable and worthless?

 

I do think a lot of it goes back to olden issues that hung around. I haven't let go completely of a lot of the hate, and anger, and pain, of feeling so utterly abandoned and abused and alone and invisible as a teen.

 

It started to make sense to me that people were disposable, and any action was ok, because I chose to start to believe that. To believe that hate was normal and something that you just have to live with. That the world is full of hate, and hurt, and abuse, and there is no way to be safe ever. Ever. No way to even try to protect yourself - all futile.

 

So do what you need to because everyone else is. And there is no taking back an action no matter how devastating once it is done. So what good is punishment, karma, or anything?? If it is done, it's done. Mission accomplished. If it's important enough to someone, they will do it and take what comes that they can't cover their ass from.

 

The ex has been emailing me. Twice now, once before and now after christmas. This one I got today, said he was in town, and for how long, and it hurt like hell to read that.

 

He has someone, as far as I know, accross the country, who would be hurting so bad if she knew or would accept that he is doing this. And it might as well be mass email . I'm sure I'm not the only he has tried, maybe someone successfully, to contact so that he may have a screw on the side while in town.

 

I know I need to change my email now. Just get rid of it and get a fresh one for a fresh start. But what is holding me back? I never respond. I just read them when the come and delete them.

 

I think there is still a part of me that wants to yell at him and hurt him for what he is doing. I don't know why that is what I have done, and my first response to pain. To wake sense to someone, maybe.

Other than it HAS worked in a lot of situations before, but that was when I was a child, and it was with people who DID love me, it was just that I was a bit of spoiled little girl who would throw a tantrum and get her way.

 

Though, once upon a time, my dad had a heart attack in the bath tub, I was 11, dad was the center of my universe, I went to check on him as we did at home then, just knock on the door if someone was in the bathroom a long time and didn't come out.

And so I found him unconscious in the tub, and yelled at him, and called him, and told him off and helped him out and called the ambulance, and he woke up and lived.

 

And later he told everyone about how all he could hear was his little girl calling his name and telling him he wasn't allowed to die yet because I loved him too much and needed him.

 

Oh everything is making me cry today , and I'm all over the place, but it feels good too. I need to get this stuff out.

 

thanks for listening. I want to change my life. I want to find out why I would chose someone like my ex who didn't ever love me and who, I think, doesn't even know how to love truly. Ever. I chose a manipulating wounded person. Why.

 

thanks again.

[mca1975]

ive got an idea: I have heard the saying that everyone has an 'inner child', i want you to imagine that you as a grown-up have a small child with/within yourself at all times, and that child needs looking after. would you put that small child in threatening/abusive situations with abusive men? of course you wouldnt, so please look after your inner child, as that child is you when you were small and it is your duty to protect yourself....

I think i might try this too! x

[itsallgrand]

I think my will actually do that. It's hard imagining myself as a girl. It's like a totally different person. A real schism there.

 

She was very trusting, sweet, innocent, and girly. All that I do not display now with any confidence.

 

thanks for the idea. This could be fun, and interesting. Something creative to do too.

[mca1975]

all children need protecting and guiding, protect yours and guide her through to a happy life! why shouldnt 'she' have that???!!!!

[jettison]

Sorry that you're feeling so blue. If it makes you feel any better, a portion of the collective unconscious is pretty blue around the holidays. So many of us are thrown off this time of year, especially if our love life isn't up to par.

 

I think it's easy to look back on relationships and think "that person never really loved me" on some level. It's your ego that's taking the hit right now. No one is exempt from feeling this way. What really matters is that you love yourself though, and it only matters for now and in the future. Since the past is gone, it no longer even exists so who felt, said, or did what is almost inconsequential.

 

If you can be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to show yourself love then the rest of the world opens itself up to you. Certainly, you'll feel love. If someone cannot or did not love you then it's really sad for them and not for you. It means that they weren't even capable of showing the most fundamentally important emotion.

 

In this life, you should never look for someone to show you love. You should for someone who has enough faith and trust in themselves to allow you to love them.

 

In any case, it's a guarantee that you'll start feeling a little better after the holidays. Just hold on a little bit till then and do something absurdly nice for yourself.

[Timebandit]

 

For the reason that I hated myself so much, and I got played by the ex, and I played too. And overall, I have been a bad person in many ways.

Emotionally manipulative, refusing to communicate openly, and neglectful too.

 

I've taken people who have honestly cared for me, for granted, and put energy into a jerk.

And it is still taking up energy, trying to move past all this.

 

I want to understand and make it right now. However I can.

 

It hurts a lot to realize and admit to myself that the ex didn't love me, and when it comes right down to it, I didn't love him really love him the way a person deserves to be loved either.

 

 

First of all, I think its great that you use the forum to express your feelings. As for my not so candid opinions on this... (I am probably stating the bloody obvious)

 

You are not a bad person. Perhaps you have had some bad behaviour along the way, but we all have. I don't for a second believe, that you were ever intentionally trying to hurt anyone (at least seen from perspective). It just seems you were acting like someone who was empty and afraid. And the person you were with, was probably just as empty and afraid.

 

The real problem is not that he did not love you. He is probably not able to love anyone, anyway. The real problem is, that you are not loving towards yourself. I am certainly not blaming you for this - you are obviously carrying a heavy baggage. Unloading it takes a lot of time and energy.

 

I am occasionally preaching self-love on this forum. I know how much it changes a life, once you start to accept and love yourself. How it takes you from fear to calm. But I don't really know how to teach it. Maybe each of us has got to find a way?

 

Take care

[Optigan]

thanks for listening. I want to change my life. I want to find out why I would chose someone like my ex who didn't ever love me and who, I think, doesn't even know how to love truly. Ever. I chose a manipulating wounded person. Why.

 

thanks again.

 

Thanks for sharing. Anything that helps my tears come out is invaluable to me these days. It almost feels like my anger melting.

[itsallgrand]

I am trying to come up with good things to do for myself. To be 'absurdly good' to myself. I love that way of putting it, I love the word absurd.

 

Thank you for all the contributions.

 

This self loving thing is tricky. I do feel better than, well, ever generally in terms of how I feel about myself. Maybe that isn't saying much. And to be accurate, my childhood was absolutely great as far as I remember. It all turned on a dime, and I've been struggling to find my way since.

 

How exactly do you practice self love? I'm curious about this now. You know, some of us, maybe a lot of us, have felt so hateful and ugly about ourselves for so long, that we didn't learn or can't remember a lot of the basic tools to taking care of oneself.

 

I wonder what the real mechanics of it are, as there must be some essential elements that apply to all people. ?

 

I troubleshoot, and try to keep now what works, but half the time, it's a real struggle to even come up with the words to say how I feel, and then to express them, and then to come up with a way to feel better...it's all a lot.

 

I'm just talking here, hoping to make some sense.

 

I'm sure things will start to look a little less sad after new year's is over and done, too. Once some stability comes back.