Sperm Bank?

[Cimmie]

I'm wondering what the opinions of other ENA ers would be on this.

 

I broke up with my ex of ten years about two and a half years ago. It was a dysfunctional relationship, and it ended violently. He lied and cheated and degraded me.

 

I wasted most of my youth (the years from 22 to 32) on him. I've spent the past few years trying to recover from what he did to me.

 

I've decided that a relationship with a man is not what I want. I can't put myself through the cycle of rejection, judgment, abuse, hurt, and so on, ever again.

 

However, I'm now 34, and I realize that my chances of being a mother are running out. So I have been wondering about trying to conceive via donated sperm. I think I would be a good mother, and I would like to have a child, and 'waiting' for a viable male or functional relationship does not seem to be an option for me.

 

Considering that time is running out, I'm wondering whether I should just take the bull by the horns and try to conceive on my own.

 

Any thoughts?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think if you have the means and ability to take care of a child and have worked out the logistics (day care etc.), if that's what you really want you should go for it!

 

it is of course really nice to have a partner to share with, but lots of people end up being single parents anyway.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I don't see anything wrong with it. If you have a substantial income that you can raise a child on and yourself, than go for it. I am totally there to back you up.

 

Hey, who knows? Maybe later on down the line, you'll find someone that you will enjoy...??

 

The only thing that would really concern me is the fact that your child wouldn't have TWO parents and only ONE..I've known some great single parents, but I have heard that there are more issues in single parent homes than in TWO person family homes..

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I don't see anything wrong with it. If you have a substantial income that you can raise a child on and yourself, than go for it. I am totally there to back you up.

 

Hey, who knows? Maybe later on down the line, you'll find someone that you will enjoy...??

 

The only thing that would really concern me is the fact that your child wouldn't have TWO parents and only ONE..I've known some great single parents, but I have heard that there are more issues in single parent homes than in TWO person family homes..

 

Just my two sense...

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you would make a wonderful mom, Cimmie. You deserve this.

[Cimmie]

i think if you have the means and ability to take care of a child and have worked out the logistics (day care etc.), if that's what you really want you should go for it!

 

it is of course really nice to have a partner to share with, but lots of people end up being single parents anyway.

 

Yes, it's a very big decision. And as you say, even if a man is around, that's no guarantee you wouldn't end up being a single parent anyway.

 

This is something I'm now considering, since I am regretfully having to acknowledge that the likelihood of having a child 'naturally' is slim. I also feel like going around warning young women not to waste their time on jerks or they'll end up in my position.

 

But who said life had to be sweet?

[Cimmie]

I think you would make a wonderful mom, Cimmie. You deserve this.

 

Thanks Miss F.

 

I am not as sure. I've always believed a child should have two parents, two good, responsible parents, but I can't find a good, responsible man, or at least not one remotely interested in me.

 

I would be slightly worried about laying my bitterness about the male sex on my child though. I don't think that would be psychologically healthy for it. And what would I do when it asked why it didn't have a father like other kids?

 

Awkward questions down the line, perhaps...

[southerngirl]

I think you should go for it!

 

It would be much safer than randomly having unprotected sex hoping thats the time that impregnates you.

 

I think that if you want to be a mother dont stop yourself. Make that appointment for a consultation.

 

Alot of parents end up being single moms anyway. I know my dead beat of an ex has never paid child support and you know what? We are okay!

 

Go for it!!!!!!

[southerngirl]

As for what to tell them? Tell them the absolute truth!

 

Mommy went to a doctor and the doctor made me pregnant because I wanted you so bad!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think i read recently that there are as many children born out of wedlock as in these days, so your child won't be an anolmaly... kids really do accept things as a 'given' if they are raised from a young age with a particular circumstance.

 

i think you should work more on your feelings of bitterness though about men if you think this is something you feel resentful about... what if you have a boy?

 

there are lots of 'bad' men out there, but there are bad women too, so that is the fault of individuals. if you continue to feel bitter for too long, you might want to get some counseling for that, especially becuase you have a 50% chance of having a boy and don't want him growing up to hate himself because mom has had experiences with some bad men...

[itsallgrand]

No information to help you.

 

I just think you would make a great mom.

 

And having a child now, on your own, does not mean that you are necessarily never going to have a good man in your life.

 

I think this idea makes sense. You are being honest about where you are at right now, what you want, and you do have a lot of love and opportunity to give a child.

 

Better to a live a life without regrets. Every family is unique, regardless.

 

good luck, Cimmie. (and happy holidays from me to you)

[Miss Firecracker]

Cimmie,

 

I know you well enough to believe there is no way you will do this to your child.

 

And you are more equipped to be a parent than two of most people I know.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think its a good way to have a child and experience life as a parent, but without all the crap involved with relationships.

 

I've considered having my eggs frozen, then I can have viable eggs for later insemination using sperm from who ever(egg health degrades exponentially after 35). Then if I have a guy or not I won't have to worry about my eggs' shelf life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am personally not in favour of this. I think a lot of people have children for purely selfish reasons...I think having a child so you can experience motherhood is not a sufficient reason to have a child. Although there are many single mom's, in most cases there is a father figure around.. I think it is very important for a child to have access to both a mother AND father. Not all men are bad so there is still a chance to find a good man. Nobody ever said that a person will get everything they want in life...if you can't find a man to have a relationship and marriage with, then that is your lot in life...to say I want a child thereforeeee I am going to have one...and I don't care if the child doesn't have a known father..is not being fair to the child. Yes, a single parent can do a fine job raising a child...but to knowingly set the wheels in motion to conceive a child without a father in the picture, I find, is unfair to the child. It is putting your needs ahead of the child's needs.

I also think that even if you were to choose this path, you do need to wait until you don't have such a negative view of men which will impact your child.

[CaptainPlanet]

I think this a decision only you can make. We don't know what you're thinking or feeling.

 

The only commentary I can give is that I do not think it is an out there terrible idea. The rest only you can know.

[CaptainPlanet]

I wouldn't pay too much attention to that. Lots of children are raised with just a single parent, it is the quality of the parenting that matters. The best person I know was raised by just his mother, had an abusive father, is now happily married and very successful Mechanical Engineer.

 

I think the best thing to do is examine the emotional implications this is going to have on you.

[Batya33]

For me, personally, I would not feel comfortable creating a child where I knew at the starting gate there would be no father in our family (and, no, involved grandparents or an uncle or a friend would not cut it for me). Divorce, death, separation, all of these things can happen of course after a child is conceived and born but I wouldn't want to be responsible for depriving a child of a father at the starting gate and wouldn't feel comfortable telling that to my child, either. I also would feel too selfish conceiving a child because I wanted to be a mother and forcing the child to give up having the chance of a father involved -- while I want a family, well, the child I am sure does too and it doesn't seem fair that I get to have my family but the child doesn't get to have a father.

 

My focus always has been on the best interests of the child and to me, that means a stable two parent family if possible - and definitely at the starting gate. Just because I want a child and my bio clock is ticking doesn't mean that the child has to give up being born into a stable two parent family. Again, others define what's best for the child differently. It's my personal perspective.

And no I am not referring to accidental pregnancies or situations involving rape where the mother decides to keep the child - to me that's different from deliberately getting pregnant (by sperm donor or sleeping with a man who you know does not want to be a father - i.e. not using birth control when he believes that you are and you know he doesn't want a child with you) - accidents happen and while adoption is an option I can understand better in those cases why the mother would choose to keep the child. Of course abortion is an option for those who are comfortable with that too but the abortion "debate" is not relevant here.

 

However, I would feel more comfortable adopting because at least then the child is already here and has no parents - and one parent is certainly better than no parents for a child who already exists.. Then it would feel like a good/ethical thing to do. I also would feel fine using a sperm donor if I were married or engaged to be married soon, had a stable relationship and my husband wanted to adopt the resulting child.

 

Once again, this is my personal opinion only and an opinion and feeling I have thought about and considered and [over]analyzied for years. I have a few friends who have done the sperm donor single mother thing, none asked for my opinion so I did not give it which was the right decision and what I would do each time.

 

No judgments of the OP - good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[rocio]

For me, personally, I would not feel comfortable creating a child where I knew at the starting gate there would be no father in our family (and, no, involved grandparents or an uncle or a friend would not cut it for me).

 

Batya, I'm curious to know how you feel about a lesbian couple adopting a child.

 

Cimmie, I think you should go ahead and do it. But it will be important for the child to have good male role models. What kind of community will you be raising the child in? Do you have good, trustworthy male friends? Male relatives? If not, I would first start by trying to find some. You might think about becoming involved in a church or becoming a part of some other close-knit community that can help you raise the child.

 

We did not have a father growing up so the men in our congregation filled that role. Early each Saturday morning, one very special and loving man would take my sister and I out for breakfast and warn us about boys They especially helped with my brother, teaching him how to fix things around the house, how to farm, to play sports, even eventually getting him into his trade (he now owns his own company building houses). I think we would have been very different people if we didn't have those male role models in our lives.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think there is a lot to be said about planned parenthood - and you are planning this in a way that many people do not. So a bit of me is saying - go for it!!

 

However, one reservation I would have is that I have very little close family. I would feel that I was having a child who would have NO other family, and that does seem harsh, that there is no chance of finding any other family members from the father's side. That for me does make me think it would never be a good option, because it would be just ME and no one else.

 

But - yeah, I think this is a great option if you are thinking seriously about having a child, can financially support yourselves, and are sure. Good luck!

[Batya33]

Honeypumpkin, that's a good question about homosexuals adopting a child (or I guess conceiving a child through a surrogate or sperm donor). I feel good about that (from all perspectives - moral, ethical, etc) because at least there would be two parents in a stable relationship (I assume that the relationship is stable - if not, I would not feel good about it and that has nothing to do with their sexual orientation) raising a child.

 

I suppose I would feel "even better" if the parents were man/woman because there is something to be said for the child having both a male and a female parent but it wouldn't make any significant difference in my personal opinion.

 

With respect to your male role models opinion, in my personal opinion I don't believe an outside male or female role model can really make up for the lack of a parent although of course if the grandparents want to raise the child as their own (or the grandmother/grandfather as the case may be) that is better, too. But, if it were me, I would not conceive a child on my own knowing that I would have to rely on outside male role models to be "father figures." Obviously, if the child is born and then something happens, divorce, death, etc then obviously the more male role models the better for the child. But I would not choose that environment/situation for my child from the starting gate.

 

As I wrote above I feel fine about a single person adopting a child because the child already exists and has no parents so of course two people adopting together is more positive for that child.

 

To anyone reading this post and not the previous one - this is all just my personal opinion - again, no judgments on the OP or anyone else who chooses to go the single mother/sperm donor route.

[rocio]

^ I agree with you somewhat, Batya. It depends on the extent to which those other male role models are present in the child's life. If it's just a grandfather that visits a couple times a month, that's certainly not enough. But if there are good, caring men around on a regular basis, I think that's ideal. Regardless of whether they are the biological father or not. Many, many fathers are not present in their children's lives anyway. They're either workaholics or they're emotionally detached or whatever. If a child can have good men who love and care about them and are there to satisfy their emotional, spiritual and educational needs, I think that's absolutely ideal.

[JadedStar]

i think you should work more on your feelings of bitterness though about men if you think this is something you feel resentful about... what if you have a boy?

...

 

I agree with the above ^^ Cimmie i think you'd make a great mom but I think you should work out the bitterness and resentment you still are feeling about men first.......

 

And ironically if you do that you might not need to even go the route of a sperm donor...

[Batya33]

^ I agree with you somewhat, Batya. It depends on the extent to which those other male role models are present in the child's life. If it's just a grandfather that visits a couple times a month, that's certainly not enough. But if there are good, caring men around on a regular basis, I think that's ideal. Regardless of whether they are the biological father or not. Many, many fathers are not present in their children's lives anyway. They're either workaholics or they're emotionally detached or whatever. If a child can have good men who love and care about them and are there to satisfy their emotional, spiritual and educational needs, I think that's absolutely ideal.

 

Yes I agree but not where I would choose that at the starting gate. I think it's a "good enough" substitute if the child is already born and the father (adoptive or bio) disappears or dies, etc. I don't go for the whole argument of "look at the divorce rate/emotional detachment/workaholics" - for me personally it still wouldn't feel right on any level to make that the justification for doing the single mother/sperm donor because at bottom it is most often focused on the mother - "I want a child" "my bio clock is ticking" "I can't find a man" "I shouldn't be deprived of motherhood" and not enough on the best interests of the child.

 

But again there are many I am sure who define "best interests" differently and believe that a child doesn't need, at minimum, to start off with a two-parent stable home - that one parent is quite enough. Again, just my personal opinion (this is such a sensitive topic that I feel I need to keep repeating that, and it's true)

 

There was an article on link removed a few month ago re: a woman who went the single mother/sperm donor route - she had the finances and the friends support too. I was very surprised to see that most of the hundreds of comments were along the lines of what I have posted.

[rocio]

I don't go for the whole argument of "look at the divorce rate/emotional detachment/workaholics" - for me personally it still wouldn't feel right on any level to make that the justification for doing the single mother/sperm donor because at bottom it is most often focused on the mother - "I want a child" "my bio clock is ticking" "I can't find a man" "I shouldn't be deprived of motherhood" and not enough on the best interests of the child.

 

The point is that what matters is not the blood between the men and the child, but rather the relationship between the men and the child. Just like a good step-father is better than a crappy biological father, so too are good, involved male role models better than less-than-good "real" dads.

[CaptainPlanet]

What makes a man and a woman a better parents by default ?

 

I think the bottom line of her wanting the child is a very good reason for her to have kids, unlike lots of other couples who have one just because it happened.

 

Mums and Dads who go off and have children they cannot afford or cannot handle emotionally cause far more damage to a child.