Boyfriend talks about ex-girlfriend alot

[juicey]

Hi,

 

My bf and I have been together for about 4 months now. Everything is good and fun.....except for one thing. He talks about his ex-girlfriend (they broke up four years ago) a lot. It seems like at least once a conversation or once a day that he and I are talking about something that reminds him of his ex-girlfriend and he starts telling a story about that.

 

I tried talking to him about it last night because it is starting to bother me. He said that he only talks about her so much because he wishes that she receives bad karma because of what she did to him. I told him that I don't understand how he is still thinking about her and referencing her to his current life because at some point, it is healthy to let go. I mean, I have ex-boyfriends that I could care less if the fell of the face of the earth....but I don't bring them up all the time. You learn your lessons and move on.

 

He told me that he won't talk about her again. I told him that I feel that he is just saying that and since I know that he is referencing her a lot, wether he says it or not he is still thinking it and it makes me uncomfortable. So, we just went to bed with no resolution.

 

Any advice?

[beauty21]

I do this too with my boyfriend. If something reminds me of my ex or if I hear a song that reminds me of him, I will tell him a story about me and my ex. He get's very upset with me sometimes, but it is not meant to hurt him. After I tell the story, I ask myself why did I just say that. I would hate if he did it to me.

[juicey]

I do this too with my boyfriend. If something reminds me of my ex or if I hear a song that reminds me of him, I will tell him a story about me and my ex. He get's very upset with me sometimes, but it is not meant to hurt him. After I tell the story, I ask myself why did I just say that. I would hate if he did it to me.

 

 

I don't mind stories sometimes. But a lot of the stories that my bf is telling me about their relationship there is still anger about what she did or didn't do. He still has a lot of hurt feelings. I've been hurt by an ex-boyfriend or two. One even got married to another woman while I was pregnant with his child! However, I don't go on and on about it. I told him once what happened with my ex's and now if I say anything at all about my ex's it is usually a joke about them or a funny story.

 

It doesn't bother me that he has a past....everyone does. The way he feels about it and the constant referencing to her bothers me....if that makes any sense.

[RayKay]

Yeah, I cannot understand why he is doing this after four years, or at all when in a new relationship.

 

It is VERY rare that an ex comes up in any conversation with my partner, generally it will be more in response to a question, like if I am talking about a time I went on a trip and am asked who I went with.

 

Whether you are talking of them negatively or positively, they are still "holding on" to you in some respect and that is completely unfair to a new partner, and shows you really need to move on yourself and get over it before getting involved with someone else.

[juicey]

That does seem strange after four years.

 

Yeah, I think so too. I told him maybe counseling would help with it, but he says it isn't a problem and that *I'm* helping him with it. I am his first relationship since they broke up....

[juicey]

Yeah, I cannot understand why he is doing this after four years, or at all when in a new relationship.

 

It is VERY rare that an ex comes up in any conversation with my partner, generally it will be more in response to a question, like if I am talking about a time I went on a trip and am asked who I went with.

 

Whether you are talking of them negatively or positively, they are still "holding on" to you in some respect and that is completely unfair to a new partner, and shows you really need to move on yourself and get over it before getting involved with someone else.

 

Thank you, that is how I feel also. However, my boyfriend doesn't see it as a problem. I don't know how to make him 'see' it. Then, I'm afraid if I push the issue too much that it will cause more problems. We really do have a great relationship, except for this one thing.

[SeaBisquit]

sorry, but some people have a hard time getting over things and especially if he did alot for her and found that she didn't do anything for him in return. sometimes thru hard breakups we learn a valuable lesson. mostly to never let * * * * like that happen again. i just think he must have been in a crappy relationship with her and vents out about it. you told him that it bothers you, so if it keeps up then you have a problem.

[DN]

Well, he said he won't talk about her anymore. Why don't you just see if he holds to that and let it go for now. It is possible he will still think about her but perhaps not talking about her will make it easier for him to forget about her altogether. At least he is responsive to your concern so perhaps you should cut him a little slack.

[RayKay]

Yeah, I think so too. I told him maybe counseling would help with it, but he says it isn't a problem and that *I'm* helping him with it. I am his first relationship since they broke up....

 

You are not his therapist, don't fall into that role...it is NOT a healthy one.

[juicey]

You are not his therapist, don't fall into that role...it is NOT a healthy one.

 

 

oops, I wasn't very clear. He said that me being with him is helping him to get over her.

 

I just don't feel very good about that. I would prefer him to already have been over her when we started our relationship.

 

There's no chance of me falling into the therapist role That is why it is bothering me so much.

[juicey]

sorry, but some people have a hard time getting over things and especially if he did alot for her and found that she didn't do anything for him in return. sometimes thru hard breakups we learn a valuable lesson. mostly to never let * * * * like that happen again. i just think he must have been in a crappy relationship with her and vents out about it. you told him that it bothers you, so if it keeps up then you have a problem.

 

 

Well, last night isn't the first time we've talked about it. Last night was the first time that we were arguing about it.

[DN]

I just don't feel very good about that. I would prefer him to already have been over her when we started our relationship.

That would have been best - but it didn't happen like that. So if you do want to be with him I would take him at his word that he won't talk about her and that he prefers you to her and concentrate on making the relationship a good one. Don't let her, or the thought of her, destroy something that might be good.

[juicey]

That would have been best - but it didn't happen like that. So if you do want to be with him I would take him at his word that he won't talk about her and that he prefers you to her and concentrate on making the relationship a good one. Don't let her, or the thought of her, destroy something that might be good.

 

Thank you, I need to hear that. I do really like him a lot.

[SeaBisquit]

when he talks about her what does he say? is he comparing you to her? what does he say about her that bothers you the most?

[juicey]

when he talks about her what does he say? is he comparing you to her? what does he say about her that bothers you the most?

 

 

He'll say a whole bunch of things. It runs the gamut from "I think I was only with her so long because I loved her body" to "I did everything for her and then she dumps me and went and married some other guy only two years after we broke up."

 

Then, there are the stories. Just for an example, we were talking about how I like to sleep with the tv on and how he likes to sleep with the tv off. Then, he started talking about how his ex liked to sleep with the fan on and noise machine and how he just couldn't stand it but he let her have it on anyway. It bothered me that we were talking about US...me and him, our differences and then he started talking about HER. And his differences with her. And this is just one example, it happens frequently.

 

The parts that bother me the most is the frequency of how much he brings her up and the intensity of the hurt/angry feelings he still has. After four years, I would think it wouldn't be this intense. I think also that since they are this intense it may be a threat to our relationship....if that makes any sense.

[ghost69]

That does seem strange after four years.

 

Yeah, I think so too. I told him maybe counseling would help with it, but he says it isn't a problem and that *I'm* helping him with it. I am his first relationship since they broke up....

 

it said 4 months. but even then, 4 months is a while to start thinking about the person you are with more than an ex.

[blender]

Well this "hoping his ex has bad karma" is what would bother me the most.. it's a clear sign that he holds a resevouir of unresolved issues towards anyone.. and that is not something you are going to want to deal with in the long run. This is not about his heart hurting over her, this seems more like his ego is bruised. His ex got married TWO YEARS AFTER thier break up and that seems healthy and normal... wouldn't you prefer that he let go, and didn't harbor any ill feelings towards her no matter how it ended and that he's grown enough into maturity to just be happy she found her own happiness? That would be the classy response for him to have..

 

Your instincts and feelings about how he brings her up and what he says about her well that is a strong gut instinct for you to be aware of inside yourself and allow it to guide you.. because it is right for you to feel that it would be best that he had resolved his issues BEFORE he would choose to be so intimately involved with you.

 

Listen to your gut on this one... it's really not about him thinking about her, that's normal, but it's more about him CHOOSING TO OBSESS and still hold resentment towards her and express it time and time again..that is a red flag about his character.

 

So hang in there give him a chance to change his 'habit/pattern" regarding the topic and if in time he still brings her up or tries to tell you that you are his "bridge" to getting over her, well let him know in a sincere and kind way you don't want to be walked over emotionally so he can feel better about himself, but that you prefer that you are BOTH giving an emotional full committment to each other without CHOOSING to harbor bad feelings from past relationships that could destroy and cloud the confidence and trust the two of you are trying to build. No more bringing up the ex.. because if he chooses to do so, you will have to take a time out and walk away until he CHOOSES to let go and grow past his issues regarding the ex because you will not allow it to poison your relationship by sticking around to listen to any more about it.

[juicey]

Thank you. You are right, it can be a red flag and that was something else that worried me.

[SW]

I was dating a woman for 3 months that would mention her abusive ex boyfriend a little too often. Once I was trying to to let her in to my life a bit by telling her about my dad. Told her a story about how my dad is an alcoholic, she started saying her ex's dad was an alcoholic. I told she should stop talking about him but continued....Two weeks later she went back to him.

[blender]

And try to remember that you are not going to allow yourself to 'ARGUE ABOUT IT' with him any longer, it's not about discussing it, it's about YOU setting some standards and values of what is okay for YOU within this relatioship and if he CHOOSES to disrespect or not 'get it' considering your feelings in a repsectful way, then you will know to let go, move on, and do not stick around EVER TO CONVINCE a man on how he 'should behave' he's all grown up and makes a CHOICE as to how he wants to behave and what he wants to discuss and if he can not respect your feelings and explains himself over and over again, thinking YOU should just deal with it, well then it's a clear red flag as to how he will handle all your emotions regarding many other issues hardships and challenges any relatiosnhip encounters. So keep your mind open and your brain in gear before giving your precious heart over to any man who does not CHOOSE to respect your feelings.

[DN]

He told me that he won't talk about her again.

It seems to me that a number of people seem to have missed this part of the original post.

 

You have brought this up to him, he has acknowledged how you feel and has promised not to do it again.

 

You can either choose to believe him and see what happens or to not believe him and walk away. But if you decide to give him a chance then give him a fair chance.

[juicey]

I think some people are just commenting on their opinion. It is okay to me and I appreciate it.

[DN]

I understand and that's what the forum is all about.

 

I do think it is also important to remember that he is not comparing you to her in a way that puts her above you in any way - he definitely seems to want to be with you rather than her. He is also comfortable enough with you to share his emotions and feelings - something many women want from a man. It may not be particularly appropriate in this instance but be careful you don't shut him down completely in sharing any feelings with you.

[juicey]

Thank you, DN.

 

I do think you are right. I know that he does care about me and we have a great time together for the most part.

 

I've been hurt before and this is probably where my past comes into play too. I've been left by a current boyfriend for one of his previous girlfriends while pregnant.

[DN]

Thank you, DN.

 

I do think you are right. I know that he does care about me and we have a great time together for the most part.

 

I've been hurt before and this is probably where my past comes into play too. I've been left by a current boyfriend for one of his previous girlfriends while pregnant.

Ow!! That had to hurt. Sorry that happened.

 

So it is possible you are projecting a little here? That it could happen to you again because he seems hung up on his ex?

 

I think it is helpful to know that all relationships carry a risk of being hurt - even successful ones have thorns among the roses. It is wise to minimise the chances of being hurt but not to the exclusion of a relationship - and you are unlikely to find anyone without some sort of baggage from previous relationships - or the lack of one. It just happens that you know what his are but he could have said nothing and still had the same baggage.

 

Guard your heart by all means - but don't make it impregnable because that will not serve you.