Communication....or lack thereof...?

[Vanessa24]

hey everyone!!

 

Sorry, im kinda new here and i have a big small prob with my bf. I have a great guy, smart, funny, loving and all that good stuff. We've been together about 8 months and its been long distance, but worth it! I live in the town he's lived in his whole life except for the past year due to some minor family rreasons. Those reasons are no more so he is in the process of moving back and in with me. Im a little anxious though about this little thing....and as a background thing, we are both anxious people in teh regard that i get stressed kind of anxious and he gets panicky sort of anxious...

 

....so, I am not from the country we live in, so i had issues with my permits etc and it was really stressful, so when i would go to talk to him about them ( just to vent... ) he'd pretty much say he didnt want to hear it. This made me feel pretty alone.....so my mom is pretty ill and when i came home to visit it was kind of a shock, so i phoned him ust to talk about it and he didnt wanna hear it...too negitive etc...so...ohh. ok. Also, one of my really good friends is into cocaine and i knwo nothing about that stuff so i explained that they are on coke but want to stop, do you think they can? and he just gave silly answers n made a big joke out of it....knowing that i was upset about it! And just an hour ago he phoned n we started talking about the new year, and i said "yeah, i think its time to make some plans for the newy ear" as in travelling/school/etc and he says "yeah, well sometimes its funner to make plans by yourself" so im just in shock i dont knwo what that means but it sounds like he wants no part in anything that can be remotely negitive...

 

...i really love him i just dont know how to approach this! I dont want to force him to speak about stuff he doesnt want to, but he's totally unsupportive to me...i dunno....ohh! and I am his first proper gf....so i dont think he knows how to conduct himself properly.

 

all input is very appreciated!

 

Thanks!

V xx

[StretchGee]

We've been together about 8 months and its been long distance, but worth it!

 

Vanessa, welcome to ENA.

 

Was there a lot of communication when you had the LDR? LDRs are pretty much all communication.

 

And just an hour ago he phoned n we started talking about the new year, and i said "yeah, i think its time to make some plans for the newy ear" as in travelling/school/etc and he says "yeah, well sometimes its funner to make plans by yourself" so im just in shock i dont knwo what that means but it sounds like he wants no part in anything that can be remotely negitive...

 

He sounds very dismissive. Is he OK with moving back/closer to you? The last quote about it being more fun to make plans by yourself not only sounds like he wants no part of anything, but that he wants no part of you. This rings cold when I type it, but it is the feeling I get from all you've written. Is he generally a loving guy and only the communication is lacking?

[Vanessa24]

Thanks Stretch!

 

There is a lot of communication but to be honest, theres never been issues so its always been "hey how's ur day, whats up, love you, miss you etc" He is def ok with moving back cuz it was his idea and i knwo he has no friends etc where he's at now and this is where his heart is. He is def a loving guy and it is just teh communication bit. I know guys dont feel the need as much as girls to talk n get stuff off thier chest, but i cant be expected to handle all teh bad stuff myself and if i cant talk to him, who can i talk to? he's supposed to be there for me regardless....and im not tlakin about major stuff, just like an argument with my bro or things that are just generally on my mind. Pretty much, i just need him to be there to say "dont worry, everything will be fine, here's a bit of perspective, love you." ....i just dont think its fair that he gets all the good bits and im stuck with all the blahhhhhh

[Daligal83]

Yea I agree with StretchGee. How is planning for new years negative? That should be something he's excited about.

 

I think it's time to have a talk. Explain that you understand he tries to look at the positive side of things, but not everything in your life is positive and as a boyfriend, you need him for support at times. Explain that you want him by your side for the happy and sad things and you want to be there for him through those things too. If that's something he doesn't want to do, he should say so now before you move in together.

[elveden]

I agree with you that there are communication issues. Perhaps try approaching it differently. It's difficult to suggest anything as it really is something you'll have to determine yourself.

 

I would say however, that his behaviour seems largely unfair towards you. He seems fairly insensitive towards personal issues of yours, and if I were you i'd address this as soon as possible or your communication issues may escalate beyond reasonable control.

 

Good luck, hope it works out for you

[RayKay]

Hi Vanessa, welcome!

 

Something seems REALLY off here, and I think he is honestly kinda starting to hem and haw now that the relationship is moving closer and something is just not "right".

 

My mum is ill too, and my boyfriend (whom was with me when we found out) was tremendously supportive....he grabbed my hand as soon as I was told, went with me to the hospital, and has always been there for me (AND for her too!).

 

I am not even sure I get his New Year's comment - does that mean he wants to do his own thing?

 

Something is off here, and don't excuse it as he "has never had a girlfriend" so does not know how to conduct himself - it does not take experience to show respect and consideration.

 

I advise NOT moving in together (have you been long distance the entire time can I ask...can you live NEAR one another but not in the same place for a while) if you cannot be sure he is going to be there for you in tough times too. Life, and relationships, are not all rainbows and butterflies and if he has that impression, and in fact avoids anything when it is more like mud and frogs, you are going to have a really tough road and feel awfully lonely at times.

 

RK

[Aleadragonhawk]

I think that through all of this he's shown pretty clearly that he's not a person that you can depend on. Bad things happen in life. We have crappy days. And sometimes, we worry about our friends. These are all natural normal things. Now, if all you're ever talking about is bad thing after bad thing, I can understand how he could be a little frustrated and bummed out. But if you're going to him with normal problems and he's saying "I don't want to hear it", that's a red flag. What will happen in your relationship when something REALLY bad happens? Do you think that he'll be there for you, to support you and help you get through it?

 

One of the wonderful things about relationships is that they can ease loneliness and pain. Having someone else there when you need them is something that many people seek. It sounds like your boyfriend isn't willing to be that kind of person.