Self Torture

[Ocean 22]

This was my first Xmas holiday spent single in 4 years. But what makes this worse is the fact that I tortured myself on Xmas after by driving over to my X's parents place knowing full well that he would be there and just the sight of the back of his truck parked on the street in front of the house made me physically ill and sent me over the edge with emotion that I spent the rest of Xmas afternoon and evening bawling in my bathroom so hard that I was gasping for air. How do I make myself stop doing this? I thought that this guy was perfect for me and was what I always wanted from the time I was a little girl. He wants nothing to do with me cause he has never once contacted me after he dumped me and after a couple of calls to him, he doesn't answer the phone or even reads my couple of emails as well. Why does this not sink into my head that I should move on cause he already has?

[glimmerofhope]

Although I did not drive past her house, this was my first Xmas without the ex in 3 years. I was shocked at how affected I was by the fact that she did not contact me at all. No card, no text message, no call...nothing.

 

If she had been a cold-hearted, callous person when we were together, it might not come as such a surprise. It would also be different if I had wronged her in some major way (e.g., abuse, drugs. cheating); but again, that is not the case.

 

She had always been such a warm, kind person, that it just seems so out of character for her to not even acknowledge that I exist, either on Xmas or my birthday (a week prior to Xmas). I'm just left with this empty, utterly confused numbness to the whole ordeal.

[rapunzel]

The only way you can stop torturing yourself is to tell yourself and BELIEVE that no other person can make you happy. Only YOU can make you happy. Make 2008 the year that you focus on yourself and what you need in your life to make you happy. Because there are no guarantees with our partners: even if they profess their love, commit to or marry us, there is always the chance that they will leave, either for another person, because things aren't working out...or they could get sick and die. So it is up to every one of us to work on our inner life and do whatever it takes to achieve inner peace: meditation, yoga, exercise, eating good healthy foods, getting plenty of sleep, focusing on the positive, reading uplifting books, watching uplifting videos, doing kind things for others, spending time with family and friends, figuring out what our goals are and taking steps to accomplish them, counting our blessings and practicing gratitude for the good things we already HAVE.

 

I have suffered also since my break up so I definitely understand the pain. And sure, I've been tempted to drive by my ex's place but I haven't done it. I was too fearful of getting caught and I also knew that there was NO WAY it would make me feel better.

 

I'm still in the midst of it, and an ex I can't completely get away from... it's a challenging situation but I'm trying to remind myself daily that happiness comes from within, from ME. We are asking for trouble if we put our happiness in the hands of another person. Also, a happy, self-realized, confident and content person will be highly attractive to others.

 

Best of luck and take care of yourself in the New Year. You deserve it!

 

peace,

rapunzel

[glimmerofhope]

The only way you can stop torturing yourself is to tell yourself and BELIEVE that no other person can make you happy. Only YOU can make you happy.

 

I agree with this 100%. We are each responsible for our own happiness, and trying to place this burden on another person will not work for either party involved.

 

The only thing that bugs me is how another person--with whom I once shared many happy times--now has the unique ability, through action OR inaction, to make me terribly unhappy (at least for short stints--the unhappiness of course comes and goes).

[rapunzel]

Oh yes, glimmer, I totally understand! I have cried on and off for 4 MONTHS over my break up. I have wallowed in despair, gone over EVERY little detail with a fine toothed comb, dissected every word I said, action I did and ended up blaming myself for the relationship's demise. Which is illogical. I'm only 50% responsible for my half. He is 50% responsible for his half and his decision to leave the relationship without giving it a chance.

 

We're human and it's painful to be rejected by someone we loved. And it's OK and necessary to grieve - up to a point. We ultimately CHOOSE our own thoughts. If we are having a negative thought, we CAN replace it with a positive one. It's just so much easier to focus on the negative! Another thing to do is to take some form of ACTION. I find that once my mind is focused on something else, like yesterday I had to take apart my old computer to try to get the hard drive out - I was unsuccessful - but while I was doing it, my mind was not focused on my ex! Staying busy and keeping the mind involved in other interesting activities is KEY.

 

I'm also going to get back to journaling positive thoughts and telling myself positive things about myself, in the mirror. I do think it does help on a subconscious and ultimately conscious level.

[Ocean 22]

glimmerofhope, that's exactly how I felt about my ex, he was always so nice and now nothing. I feel the same as you - empty, confused and numb

[-BK-]

I agree with this 100%. We are each responsible for our own happiness, and trying to place this burden on another person will not work for either party involved.

 

The only thing that bugs me is how another person--with whom I once shared many happy times--now has the unique ability, through action OR inaction, to make me terribly unhappy (at least for short stints--the unhappiness of course comes and goes).

 

This is the key to healing. I've been through it before so I know it can happen, but it's SO frustrating to deal with it on a daily basis. I have not heard from my ex for almost 2 months and I have not contacted her either. I really feel like I was doing well until yesterday. I just think the holidays can catch up to you. She also posted some new pictures of her and her family on Christmas. We got close with each other's families. I know I want her to be happy, but I am not happy myself yet... so those things make it tougher.

 

Ocean, one of the first things you're going to have to do is convince yourself that there are other people out there for you. If you've never sat down and written a list of the good things and bad things about him, it's a good idea. You have to be hoenst with yourself, but looking at the bad things will help you understand that it's better for you in the long run. And, STOP driving by his house. I did that once (a few days after the breakup) and have not done it since. It did make me feel awful and I realized that wasn't good for my healing. I still haven't gotten past the MySpace thing.

[musashi]

If she had been a cold-hearted, callous person when we were together, it might not come as such a surprise. It would also be different if I had wronged her in some major way (e.g., abuse, drugs. cheating); but again, that is not the case.

 

She had always been such a warm, kind person, that it just seems so out of character for her to not even acknowledge that I exist, either on Xmas or my birthday (a week prior to Xmas). I'm just left with this empty, utterly confused numbness to the whole ordeal.

 

My sentiments exactly! I expected the worst but hoped for the best. I got the worst: no contact on Xmas. It was really a strange feeling and made me kind of numb. The day after xmas was when it really hit me. I barely got out of bed and watched sappy movies all day.

 

Our relationship ended more due to external circumstances than our feelings towards each other. Our contact has been sporadic and she has expressed mild depression and let me know that she misses me. We both affirmed that neither of us had plans for Xmas so I further expected her to contact me.

 

She too was exactly as you described; warm, kind, caring, considerate, etc. and there was no hard feelings causing the breakup. I just do not understand and it hurts.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread

[LauraNYC]

glimmerofhope and musashi, why were you so hurt by your exes not contacting you on Christmas? you didn't contact them either, right? i'm just curious because i didn't contact my ex, nor did he contact me. but typically i'm the "nice one" who no matter what says something nice on a holiday. but this Christmas i was tired of being the mature/nice one and i didn't. it wasn't to be hurtful, i just wanted to focus on myself for once. just curious why you took it to heart that they didn't contact you when you didn't contact them either.

[glimmerofhope]

glimmerofhope and musashi, why were you so hurt by your exes not contacting you on Christmas? you didn't contact them either, right? i'm just curious because i didn't contact my ex, nor did he contact me. but typically i'm the "nice one" who no matter what says something nice on a holiday. but this Christmas i was tired of being the mature/nice one and i didn't. it wasn't to be hurtful, i just wanted to focus on myself for once. just curious why you took it to heart that they didn't contact you when you didn't contact them either.

 

I sent her a card, but that wasn't the reason I thought I'd hear anything.

 

Rather, I thought it had more to do with just the kind of person I thought she was, that it would be something she would do regardless because on some level there is still some respect and concern.

[greensleeves]

I sent her a card, but that wasn't the reason I thought I'd hear anything.

 

Rather, I thought it had more to do with just the kind of person I thought she was, that it would be something she would do regardless because on some level there is still some respect and concern.

 

I expected to hear from my ex as well and for the same reasons. Maybe what we can learn from this is that they weren't the people we thought they were, or that the concern they once had for us is no longer there. It's hard to come to that realization.

[fivespot]

...or that the concern they once had for us is no longer there. It's hard to come to that realization.

 

I'm pretty tough when it comes to breaking down. I don't cry often, but that's one thing that will make me BAWL.

 

I still refuse to believe that she doesn't care about me

 

...even though my brain is telling me she doesn't.

[musashi]

glimmerofhope and musashi, why were you so hurt by your exes not contacting you on Christmas? you didn't contact them either, right? i'm just curious because i didn't contact my ex, nor did he contact me. but typically i'm the "nice one" who no matter what says something nice on a holiday. but this Christmas i was tired of being the mature/nice one and i didn't. it wasn't to be hurtful, i just wanted to focus on myself for once. just curious why you took it to heart that they didn't contact you when you didn't contact them either.

 

I could probably sum this up in a sentence or two but I feel like typing Please bear with me.

 

She contacted me a couple of days before thanksgiving. I was in NC and it had been three weeks. I went NC immediately following the breakup. I had blocked her phone number but she called me from a different phone and I answered, not knowing it was her. I kept the conversation brief and upbeat but told her I had to go after about 10 minutes. The next morning she called and left a message saying she "had something she wanted to share with me". My hopes resurfaced and I ended up calling her back later that night. Unfortunately, her sharing had to do with some left over business that I had asked her to look into the day before we broke up. It was a pleasant conversation though with us talking for about an hour and a half.

 

So the next day I sent her an e-card for Thanksgiving. I did not receive a reply back. It hurt so I went NC again. 28 days later she called and left another voicemail saying that she was calling to see how I was doing. I caved in and called her a couple of hours later. We talked for about an hour. She was down and mildly depressed sounding and really could not talk because her roomate was there. She promised to call back that night so she could talk in private.

 

She called later that night and we talked for about 2.5 hours. She expressed certain things to let me know that she had been thinking about me a great deal but never came out and said it. Things were not going so good for her. I asked her why she did not respond to my Thanksgiving e-card and she says she did. I never received the email. She is not one to lie but...who knows. After that conversation I was somewhat elated thinking that maybe she is opening the door again.

 

The next night I called her to inform her that my son had taken his first steps and I wanted to share that with her. Her demeaner was not quite as open as previously and she only stayed on the phone for about a half an hour. This was Friday night before Xmas. I know that she had been off all day and had nothing to do Saturday but she still wanted to get off the phone early. Before she hung up she said "have a good weekend" giving me the impression that she did not want me to call her that weekend and with no openess for future contact, per se. I left the conversation feeling like there was no hope.

 

I said all that to let you see that when I initiate contact, it ends up hurting. When she initiates contact, hope comes back. thereforeeee, I let her come to me. I was hurt by not getting a phone call or anything for Xmas but the hurt would have been more if I would have called and gotten voicemail or a cold greeting.

[bach]

I was hoping to hear form my ex as well...but didn't.

 

I actually got a call at 10:30am from a private number and i couldnt answer it the first time because i thought it was her. It rang again 5 min later and i summoned up the courage to answer expecting to hear her voice only to hear my dad instead.

 

Then throughout the day i got a few texts from friends wishing merry xmas and each time i heard the phone i thought it might be her.

 

But, of course, it wasnt.