So...

[itsallgrand]

It's one of those things I don't really enjoy talking about, but I know I need to. Christmas this year was overall wonderful for me. Except for the one thing that I'm still not sure exactly how I feel about.

 

Someone who had done some terrible things to me who I hadn't seen in years and years showed up to our christmas celebration and it basically put me in a state of shock for the rest of that night.

 

I had a chance to recover, and have the rest of the days far away from it all with a few close family members, with of course some people and extended stopping by. And these ones are good ones, and who have helped me through the ordeal in as many ways as they could once it all came out. And for years and years.

 

Still, I can't really believe that he was there and all that went on that day. I don't really get it.

 

It's so complicated, but basically it boils down to, he has been so sick and had more than one brush with death, and being so ill now it's almost like it has pacified a lot of people. Like he is no longer any sort of threat or anything.

 

But to have my cousin say to me, as I was having a smoke, and you had to go outside to have a smoke there and I quit smoking!, and she starts telling me about how much he has changed, and trying to make good, and how much he cares for her young daughter, and,

 

it made me feel so frigging sad, and I can't even express it, it made me so frigging sad. It's like the anger has been drained out of me now, it's all so neverending and stupid and sad, that his little family unit there has never learned and only continued to let themselves be abused year after year after year, and even a young child to be around him, and she is beautiful and a great kid, and I can't even comprehend the kind of

 

lame brained stick your head in the sand like an ostrich so that it is so far up your own butt you can't even hear anymore nor care anymore and to have the nonsense to sit and say that to me, gawd!

 

And he kept trying to get close to me, like, to talk to me, and I kept letting myself be circled by the ones who care about me and letting them keep him at a distance, and yet he finally did get from behind me as I was at the drink table, and behind my back! classic without my permission, sidle up next to me and talk to me when it was clear as day I was not wanting to speak to him at all.

And he says, hi how are you. merry christmas.

 

can you believe it?

 

Tell me something of forgiveness. I won't give him a damned thing, and is that wrong? In general, for my wellbeing?

 

It's not like I think about him in my days anymore, and it's not like I sit around plotting how to hurt him nor wishing he would die, but if he did - fine, I wouldn't stop it nor rush to help, honestly - but if he lives - fine, eventually he will die like we all do.

 

I just want him to stay away, and he can't even do that. Because the word is, he's changed and he wants to make good and get my forgiveness.

 

well, NO. No NO NO NO NO NO

 

The very truth is, it's not something I really think I can give to him anyways. It's worthless. It has nothing to do with it. What he did, is so despicable, it is just beyond forgivness...it doesn't even matter...it is out of my hands, him and whatever deity he believes in or not.

 

And I'm not religious, but I actually went to church after all this, and drank wine with the pastor beforehand, and took communion, and sang hymns and watched my good aunt sing in the choir.

 

It's just f/ed up, and I needed to say it. Parts of my life have been seriously fing f/ed the f up.

 

It's a miracle I'm not in a chair with drool coming out of my mouth at this point.

 

And yet still, it disturbs me and there is something that bothers me about how I feel about it all. I just want it to go away, and not be my life.

 

Why aren't you married? (hmm, I'm thinking, screwed up every relationship or picked losers and never had the children and family I always wanted...hmm...I wonder if it had to do with having my dad die, my brother go through living hell, my mother in disasterous hell, not having a real place to live, being raped, seeing people die, all within a short period of teenager hood, nah nah, my life has been frigging perfect and I have no issues!!! I'm totally sane, man, totally cool. )

 

 

But I did have good time with some people this year, and my life ain't a total waste. It's just this pissy parts that are hard to process.

[Gracelove]

Oh.my.gosh.

 

When you said you just want him to stay away, and he won't even do that......whew!!! That is soooo heavy! I've been there before.

 

That is soooo tough.

 

It's like, "You've done these horrible thing to me, can't you just honor my request to STAY AWAY?!" I felt like that when dealing with the abuser/stalker.

 

I can totally feel you on that one.

 

I am so sorry. That is really rough.

 

I don't blame you. And no, there is NOTHING wrong with you not wanting to be around him.

 

You have to look out for you, and you alone. It's all about your well-being now.

 

And if he has changed, oh well. That has nothing to do with you. You have a right to feel guarded, to protect yourself, to stay away from him.

 

And if people don't see him as a threat, pity on them.

 

And a child?! They let him around children when they know what he has done?!

 

That is cruel. Children need to be protected. And to let a monster be around a child.....horrid.

 

I don't blame you for being sad, it is a sad situation.

 

And he spoke to you?! HOW DARE HE!

 

I mean, goodness gracious! It's self-serving you know? It's like he is either feeling guilty, or he wants to convince others that he is good. Either way, all he is thinking about is himself.

 

And who cares if he has been sick? He actually deserves it. He should be given no pity.

 

I can't believe he came to your house! Soooooo disrespectful. I mean really, where is the decency?

 

But I guess you can't expect much from people like that.

 

And I feel so sorry for you. I hate being in shock.

 

Because usually afterwards you think of all of the things you would have liked to do or say, at least I do.

 

I wonder if shock is a defensive mechanism, a way your mind protects you.

 

Just know that you aren't crazy.

 

Sometimes other peoples' reactions have you questioning your own judgement.

 

He is a danger, he doesn't need to be around children.

 

I don't know why people would let their guard down when they KNOW what he has done. I mean what other kind of warning to they need?

 

And it's not like they will necessarily be the one to suffer from his actions, that poor little girl will.

 

Life is hard enough you know? Children should at least have their childhood.

 

That is an absolute shame.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you! I know. It's total madness. It's good to hear someone else say so.

 

I have some good people in my corner, and they can't figure it out either, just totally disguisted and they have been watching out for me.

 

Then I get home, and it's quiet, and it has just been playing in my mind all day.

 

It's one of those things that it's so very hard to admit and accept that it is true. I'd love to just close my eyes and have it all go away, but I know that isn't how it works.

 

I don't know. It's times like these that I still sometimes get to feeling ashamed about it. Not just what happened, but what is happening. That I am in any way shape or form affiliated or a part of this entire ugly mess. That it is real.

 

Anyways, thanks so much for listening and responding. One of my resolutions this year is to try and not let this interfer with my life even in the subtle ways it still kinda does, like being so hard on myself for things not working out as I would have liked up to now.

 

New year, fresh start, and I really want to leave it behind me.

[Gracelove]

Aww, Congratulations!!! New beginnings are so wonderful! We need to have opportunities for renewal, they bring hope.

 

It's quiet at your house? Do you turn on the t.v. or anything to distract yourself?

 

I remember when I used to spend all day staring into space. I never felt rested, always exhausted. My mind was running non-stop and I couldn't do anything about it.

 

Are you having one of those moments?

 

If so, I guess it's just apart of the process. Sometimes it doesn't help to fight it.

 

I have times when I feel ashamed as well. A lot of my family doesn't know about what happened, and if those family members found out, I'd be extremely embarrassed.

 

You feel that way too? It is hard to accept isn't it?

 

I'm glad I'm not the only person. It's just not something that you can truly comprehend and take in.

 

You can say the words, but you can't accept them.

 

I think because such things are not normal you know? Such actions against other human beings are evil, out of place. So maybe we aren't supposed to be able to really comprehend abuse or violation.

 

It's just one of those things that doesn't make sense.

 

I hope you feel better, and that everything is good tomorrow.

 

And if it keeps replaying in your mind, let it play. I've done that before, and actually it isn't too bad.

 

You can't always war against it. Sometimes you need to do such things, I think it helps you to heal.

 

Just don't allow yourself to get so depressed, you don't feel you can recover.

[itsallgrand]

Yes, I'm having one of those moments. Can't sleep. Feeling downright awful and gross.

 

I am seriously starting to wonder whether I am not as healed as I figured I was. If this affected me deeper than I'd let myself deal with.

 

I mean, I'm better than I used to be. But that sort of isn't saying all that much.

 

Yes, now that the shock has worn off, I keep thinking of how I wish I would have punched him in the face. Probably would be the most satisfying punch in my life. And it would be worth any concequences.

 

But that there is one of the things that really hurts me. I wanted to punch him in the face, and I didn't, and not for lack of wanting to, but there was the kid and I'm going to punch her grandfather out in front of her?

 

My family life has been chaotic and weird for a long time now. And I don't want to be the one perpetuating that even further. I mean, I remember seeing people knocking each other out at christmas and other ridiculous things. I could go on..it just depresses me and makes me feel like a reject though.

 

What really bugs me too is how people can go and do things, and there really is no way to ever undo those things, they make the most grotesque mistakes for their own selfish reasons, and there really is not a damn thing you can do about it.

 

You can try to prevent it from happening again, but the bloody damage is done.