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identifying with myself


latebluemurr
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I was doing a search and came accross this forum. It seems like the perfect place to post my question and maybe get involved with answering others. Here is my situation.

 

I am in my mid-30's and my life as a male virgin ended last year. I always held back from socializing and seeking ladies because I am generally shy, and the type of women I am interested in aren't around here. I have been in a few brief relationships, so brief that none of them ever lead to sex. I often shied away because I am overweight, and for years I had felt that the world looked down on me. I placed issue after issue on top of each other, and I started to feel down and out. One of my sisters told me "not everyone is looking at you, and not everyone who looks at you looks down on you as a fat person". I didn't feel good about myself, and I dwelled on this for years.

 

I decided to have a change of heart and change in attitude. I had friends at work who would tell me "wow, I did not know you were like that". While I did not have any interaction with any co-workers, I definitely flirted with many of the ladies there, especially the front desk secretary. When I had left my job a few years ago, I met the secretary at a department store and we talked. At the end she goes "if I had my way, I would have f****d you right there", in reference to a post-party breakfast we and a co-worker had. That made my hair on the back of my neck stand up. She is an older woman (almost 20 years older) but she has always been sexually attractive to me, so this was a plus.

 

Being overweight, fearful of what women might think of my body when my clothes were all off, I wasn't sure what was going on. I have healthy masturbation habits, but that's all it was.

 

Finally, I did something about it. I could not be 40 and still be a virgin, so I found someone and I told her my story. I wanted someone older, as I seeked someone with experience, and I knew in her hands she would help me. She agreed, and I went to her with confidence. Up until I knocked on her door, I was ready to just turn around and leave but I'm not in high school, this isn't a damn game. We talked a bit, and then she said "let's begin". Everything I had ever read, ever seen in movies, it has nothing to do with your first time. Everything is tossed out and you rely on your self confidence, and that's what I did. She massaged me first, and I kept everything on but my boxers. After a massage, she said "well, I can't proceed with your shorts on". I make a joke that I hoped would break the ice, more for me than anything. She laughed, and she went down on me, giving me my first BJ. Fantasies, masturbation... nothing compares to the real thing and I loved it. It was great, it felt good, it was "beautiful", and I wanted more. After I left, the first thing I thought to myself was "was that all?" All of my self-made concerns seemed foolish. She gave me some advice, and I have taken it to heart.

 

A few months later, I had met a lady online and we began to chat. After a few months, she wanted to meet up with me for a night of sex. I have met women online for a date or two, but never anything that lead to sex. This was a first. She welcomed me into her home (I did ask if she wanted to meet at a restaurant first), kissed, and we talked for a good two to three hours. Finally, she said she had to change, and she came back in a spider-web lace nighty. It was the first time I went down on a woman, and that was an all new experience in itself. The taste, the smell, it was all brand new but I loved it. The next morning, she said she would like to see me again. We've been keeping in touch off and on for the last year.

 

Last year, I had my first two sexual experiences. It's been 15 months since I last had sex. There are all the stereotypes of a single man over 29 years old who isn't married, with no girlfriend. I don't fit any of those stereotypes. I shied away because I felt I was not ready to commit myself, and I had the concerns about what women might think of me. But through these two experiences, I realized I didn't have to be so overly concerned, that I had to open up, loosen up, and be myself.

 

Back to those stereotypes. For years I guess because I felt women didn't give me the time of day, maybe they thought I was homosexual. In truth, I don't think I even gave them the time of day. I looked down on myself, so I'm sure I gave off the impression that no one should talk to me. Once I lifted my head up, I saw the world and it didn't look down on me.

 

There was another woman whom I started talking to online, and she was interested in meeting me too. Now, I prefer to meet people in person, I'm still old fashioned in that sense. But she liked what I was about, and we agreed. But then she told me "I have a boyfriend, would you mind being in a threesome with me?" I was suspicious, because while I have had threesome fantasies, mine doesn't involve another man who wants me. She then said "he is bi-curious, are you?" I lied and told her "I may be, but I'd have to think about it." I have not talked with her since.

 

After 34 years of being a virgin, I finally felt what I've always wanted to feel, and I like it. I am now "sexually active" and "actively seeking" and it has opened new worlds for me. I am not in a relationship yet, but seek that. Yet in the year or so since I've been with someone, I've managed to question myself over my sexuality.

 

I am straight, but I guess because of the lack of women and experiences, and the fact that I am 35 and single, for the first time I am questioning everything. I have always felt that job should be first, and once I am doing well, I can take a relationship more seriously. Yet for 16 years, I missed out on a lot of opportunities, and I feel like I have to play catch-up.

 

I don't know why I question myself. All of my fantasies are with women. I am sexually attracted to women. I want to be romantic with a woman. If things lead to a long-term relationship or even marriage, I want that to be with a woman. I have no urge with being romantic with a man, to have sex with a man, or to be in any long-term relationship with a man.

 

I'm not going to lie, I tried out a fantasy years ago where it's just me and another man involved, but it didn't get me going, it didn't take me anywhere. I would not hesitate to have a threesome with a woman who would want another man there. The idea of that appeals to me because I enjoy seeing a woman who is getting pleased twice as much.

 

So I guess the point behind my post is, why am I overly concerned with my identity? Is it being nothing more than frustrated because I'm not having sex? The fact that it is much easier than I thought, and I wasted my time on issues I now know never existed in the first place? Or is it truly self-discovery, and finally realizing that I love sex? Is this typical of most men? I had a friend who used to tell me "once you have sex, you're not going to want to stop. You think being a virgin is bad, wait until you haven't had sex for a year or two, and you'll really know what the words need and urge mean" I now know exactly what she meant.

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First off I have to say Welcom to enotalone on behalf of every one. Now with that out of the way I will try to help you.

why am I overly concerned with my identity?
Well I think it might lead from your shyness and I think we are all concerned with are identity.
Is it being nothing more than frustrated because I'm not having sex?
I dont think that is the problem.
The fact that it is much easier than I thought, and I wasted my time on issues I now know never existed in the first place?
We all over think things and when you are shy you do it about every thing.
and finally realizing that I love sex? Is this typical of most men?
Yes it is I think it is a trate passed down from when "man" was young. I you know what I meen. You know what I dont think being a vergin is a bad thing. There are times I would like to change that but hey what can we do. I hope that this helps you. And good luck.
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I have lost almost 60 lbs in the last couple of years and I can give you a few pointers if you like. The world will see you differently if you can lose the weight and keep it off.

 

I found out that my cholesterole is very high and they put me on Lipotor, this increases your bodies ability to get rid of excess fat.

 

I take the vitamins recommended by Dr Nicholas Perricone and I have recommeded this to others and they have made a difference.

 

Find an exercise that you enjoy and do it as often as you physcally can, the vitamins will help you get much needed energy.

 

I try to follow the Atkins diet as much as possible.

 

Get rid of your emotional energy by being assertive with your ideas.

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I have lost almost 60 lbs in the last couple of years and I can give you a few pointers if you like. The world will see you differently if you can lose the weight and keep it off.

 

I found out that my cholesterol is very high and they put me on Lipotor, this increases your bodies ability to get rid of excess fat.

 

I take the vitamins recommended by Dr Nicholas Perricone and I have recommeded this to others and they have made a difference.

 

Find an exercise that you enjoy and do it as often as you physcally can, the vitamins will help you get much needed energy.

 

I try to follow the Atkins diet as much as possible.

 

Get rid of your emotional energy by being assertive with your ideas.

 

I was diagnosed with diabetes a few years ago, so I was forced to make some serious changes. Because of that, I realized I had to let go a lot of these issues I had in order for me to move on. It has taken a long time, but I am a bit more health conscious, and I am a size lower than I was two years ago. My attitude started to change, and I guess I saw my real self coming back. I had hid behind my overweight wall, and I think for years I just became comfortable with it. I wasn't getting anywhere, I continued to complain about my situation, and I just didn't change. Made every excuse to not do anything. It's still hard, but I am on my way.

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Yes it is I think it is a trait passed down from when "man" was young. I you know what I mean. You know what I dont think being a virgin is a bad thing. There are times I would like to change that but hey what can we do. I hope that this helps you. And good luck.

 

For me, I guess being my age (and it wasn't for religious reasons, I should have said that in my original post), I wanted to know why. Shyness, not being aggressive enough in my wants, and just really not finding "the right one", even if it's "the right one for the night". I had to break through my walls and I have been successful in doing so, at least in some things. I'm still shy when I meet new people, but I find it easier to break the ice instead of standing in a corner and just wishing someone would talk to me, as if it was the high school prom. That was a major obstacle for me.

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Is to feel your own feelings rather than medicating them with guilt, self-pitty, male chauvanism, vitimization of others. Alcohol, excessive flirtation, revengance!! All these are games that we play to keep us from hurting. Feel the pain, it is the only way that things will get better. The other things are just bandaids...

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