Caldus Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I feel like a lying and manipulative bastard. I finally came clean with my friend tonight about a lot of things I lied to her about and now I just lost her as a friend because of it. I basically told her that I was manipulating her emotionally so that I could have sex with her (when we used to be together in a casual relationship for a few months). I figured that if I came clean with her, then I could have a more honest relationship with her. Apparently it made me lose that relationship altogether. Looking back, I realize that I have done that with every women. I did the things I did with them and acted the way I did because I eventually wanted to have sex with them. I feel so horrible that I manipulate people like this. So very much that I don't feel like I deseve to live. Not that I would kill myself or anything, but I just feel absolutely awful about this. Aren't humans in general like this though? They have an underlying motivation for a lot of things they do? But I know this is unacceptable and I need to stop doing this forever. I just feel awful about how I used to do this in the past all the time though. I should start appreciating people for who they are and not just acting like I am in order to get what I want out of them. It's always about what I want to get out of them. I never offer what I can give to them and I need to do that more. Is this right though? Should I think this way? Should I be thinking in terms of what each person should give to each other? I feel like I shouldn't but it just seems like it is human nature to do such things is it not? I know what I did with her was totally unacceptable. That is true to me without a doubt and I learned tonight to never ever be like to another person ever again. How did I stop thinking this way? How do I stop being manipulative even subconsciously (if that makes any sense?). I feel so horrible for what I did to her and now I have no chance of keeping a friendship with her. This was obviously a learning experience for me tonight. Link to comment
wiser Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I basically told her that I was manipulating her emotionally so that I could have sex with her. If you had posted your intentions here before you told her, I would have predicted that it would not have gone over very well. Link to comment
YME33 Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Sometimes honesty bites us in the ass. This is the case in your situation. The good news is that when a door closes another one opens and sometimes after the initial shock wears off the previous door can open again. I am no Monty Hall, but I will tell you this. Give her some time to think about what has happened what you did and why you were telling her all of the stuff that you told her. SHe may realize in time by you telling her the truth that you eventually had her best interests at heart. It may take some time on your part and her's but the question is are you willing to wait on the wounds to heal? Link to comment
Caldus Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 Do you feel awful because of your actions and how you have hurt this friend? or Do you fee awful because she did not react to you the way you hoped? Both. I think more than anything I am just upset at myself right now for being such a manipulative bastard and not capable of having genuine relationships with people. How do I change this? Link to comment
YME33 Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Both. I think more than anything I am just upset at myself right now for being such a manipulative bastard and not capable of having genuine relationships with people. How do I change this? Keep on being honest. It will eventually pay off. You are on the right track. You just need to follow it. Good luck! Link to comment
Portage Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Exactly you said it - "A learning Experience" - This is a light bulb moment for you, a turning point. It is a good thing. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 At 22 you've learrned a very valuable lesson, that many men (and women) never learn. Start to be more giving and you will find that the reward is a more meaningful and rewarding relationship with someone, and in every area of your life. You have hurt your friend and your honesty, while it may have felt good for you to unload your feelings, has probably left HER feeling like crap as well. I don't believe that it is human nature to have an underlying motivation for things they do, but it is the nature of some people. There will always be givers, takers and those that balance the two. Link to comment
Caldus Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 I don't know. It's just that at least right now, I feel like human beings are not capable of being 'good' people (quoting 'good' because who knows what is really 'good' and 'right')? Especially myself at least. I just feel like I am always manipulating people and always being selfish. It's just horrible and I need to figure out how to change that. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 So...you hurt someone...and now you are brewing on how crap you feel? Does that make sense? By the way, not trying to make you feel worse, trying to nudge you in a direction. Link to comment
wiser Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Well, one (pessimistic) way of looking at it is that people are in relationships, they become attracted to people because of what the other person does for them. So in a way, ALL people are selfish, and are really in it for what they can get out of it. But its gotta be give and take. Link to comment
Caldus Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 So...you hurt someone...and now you are brewing on how crap you feel? Does that make sense? By the way, not trying to make you feel worse, trying to nudge you in a direction. I don't follow? Link to comment
Gratsy Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 You hurt yourself more than you hurt her when you manipulate people like this. Its a disgusting trait but I think its a good thing that you recognize it and can try to change. Just be honest next time. If you only want sex...tell her that. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I don't follow? Brewing on how you feel, once again, instead of thinking of the other person and what you can do there. How they are feeling, what they need. That's what I meant. Starting to train yourself to take the focus off yourself a bit more often. Link to comment
mintblossom Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I think it's important to be honest. And the biggest benefit of this is that not only were you honest to her, you were actually honest to yourself. Your actions were dishonorable but only through honesty do we begin to face ourselves and our own actions. Link to comment
Caldus Posted December 27, 2007 Author Share Posted December 27, 2007 Brewing on how you feel, once again, instead of thinking of the other person and what you can do there. How they are feeling, what they need. That's what I meant. Starting to train yourself to take the focus off yourself a bit more often. You're right. I really need to focus on that. Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 Have you thought about potentially speaking with a counselor about what has been going on and getting some feedback there on things that you can do to change? Manipulative behavior can be a sign of deeper problems. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted December 27, 2007 Share Posted December 27, 2007 I think it is really good that you manipulated women for sex I don't think you should feel guilty for doing what comes naturally. Link to comment
star2008 Posted December 28, 2007 Share Posted December 28, 2007 Lying may be natural but it is hardly good. The trouble with lying to get sex is that you will never know if you could have gotten sex without lying. Are you truly desirable or are they just with you because they believe some falsehood to be true. Does she know why you came clean? Link to comment
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