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Today the ex and I again fought over text. We have not actually spoken in a week, which is for the best, but I need NC.

I know he has a laptop now and internet access, so I want to send him an email. I need unbiased opinions as to how it comes accross. Here is the email:



I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past 3 weeks. I am hurt/angry/depressed one moment, relieved and thankful it's over the next. The only emotion I feel that has been constant is the need and desire to go on with my life and learn from the mistakes of my past so I can be a better person.

This state of mind is not condusive to keeping my emotions in check, and I surely can not keep them in check when the source of my emotional upheaval sends me messages that they miss me, are so unhappy, or want to feel my arms around them. It sends mixed signals. I know you said you have mixed feelings as do I, but at the risk of sounding harsh - neither of us will be able to sort out our feelings while we are still in contact with each other.



I want you to know that I do love you. I want happiness for you. I hope you will visit a therapist to work through the issues you have with your past and communicating your wants/needs and feelings. The only way to change the rut you are in is from within and a therapist can help with that. Numb is not a good way to go through life and I don't imagine that feeling will change unless you get in touch with your feelings and deal with them. It saddens me that you use work as a crutch and excuse for the way your life is. It doesn't have to be that way. Okay no more preaching


Now on to the point!


Gordy's van needs to be moved ASAFP. Neighbor complained to me, and since they aren't overly nice to begin with it wouldn't surprise me if they had it towed.


I understand you need someone's help for the furniture items that are here and I'm not in a hurry to lose the mattress anyways, so just email me when you are able to tell me a day/time you can move so I can make sure someone is here to let you in. The kitchen stuff is what was mostly everywhere, but I got some boxes and packed it away, so it's not a big deal to me now.

Have a great New Year's and all the best for 2008!

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I would suggest you leave out that whole section where you talk about him going to a therapist etc etc. It will probably get his back up and he might be less willing to accommodate your needs (get his stuff out).


I would also suggest modifying the first paragraph. How about something like this:

"The last three weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me as I deal with the finality of our relationship. I love you and want happiness for you and I understand this break-up is difficult on you as well. It is difficult for us to both heal and move on when we are still in contact and you send messages that you aren't unhappy, you miss me and you miss having your arms around me, even though you made the choice to no longer continue this relationship. I would like to sort out the furniture items ASAP so that we can both finally go our separate ways and begin healing.


(and then continue on with the rest of the nuts and bolts of picking up the stuff).

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I don't think I'm going to send anything. My emotions are too messed up right now. I'm having a really "bad day".


Fighting the urge to call him and beg him to come home. I am on the verge of making all the mistakes - crying, begging, telling him how much I love him, etc. I've picked up my phone and made myself put it back down 3x in the last 15 minutes. Would he answer? Yep. Would he be nice? Yep. Would he tell me he misses me too? Yep. Would he come home? Would it change anything? Nope.


In a nutshell, I can't ask for NC because deep in my heart, I don't want it.

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Deep breaths......okay, you are just having a panic attack as you are still trying to deal with the reality of the situation. Don't call, don't beg...let this moment pass...it will pass....He doesn't want the relationship right now...let him miss you...be strong and in control of yourself because he will respect you for it. If you beg and cry, he will lose respect for you.

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Deep breaths......okay, you are just having a panic attack as you are still trying to deal with the reality of the situation. Don't call, don't beg...let this moment pass...it will pass....He doesn't want the relationship right now...let him miss you...be strong and in control of yourself because he will respect you for it. If you beg and cry, he will lose respect for you.


I agree with this post. At the very least sit on the email for a few days, edit, rewrite, say what you want to say to him and then...don't send it. If you've already spoken to him about moving the truck then it's not your problem if it gets towed. If you send it, you'll probably regret it later.

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I did not send an email, but I did send a text - and already regret it.


I told him I still expected him to call that time of day (he always called me at work around 10am) and that I still missed him at bedtime and when would it stop? (still not good, but better than what I wanted to say)


He replied with...When I figure it out I'll let you know.


I'm still just having such a hard time understanding. In a nutshell lets recap the things he's told me in the last 2 weeks and maybe it will make more sense to someone else than it does me:


- He's told me he loves me and wants to be with me but "something" he's supposed to feel is missing. thereforeeee, he is not IN love with me.

- He's told me he'll get all his stuff (and it is ALOT of stuff) when he feels stronger.

- He's told me he's "so unhappy"

- He's told me he misses me

- He's told me he hates this

- He's told me he's still attracted to me

- He's told me he can't get me out of his head

- He's told me he wants to feel my arms around him (and no, he did not mean sexually. Of that I am 100% positive)

- He's told me that leaving me is the last thing he wanted to do

- He's told me he has not slept a good night's sleep since he left.

- He's told me this is hurting him badly and he's not sure if he made the right decision.


The first tidbit was told to me the night we officially broke up as was the 2nd. The rest has all been after, most of it in the last week. Most of it, he's told me several times.


Is it just wishful thinking on my part, am I crazy, or are the things he's saying all indications that he DOES love me?? Don't you wish you could just climb inside someone's head for a few hours to see what is really going on in there?

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Sounds like wanting cake and icecream, but he's not sure where or when he wants to enjoy. I think he may be testing the waters while he keeps throwing out enough remarks to keep you on the hook.


Can you explain that a little more? He knows I did not want this, there is no way he has any doubt that I still love him and want to work this out somehow so keeping me on the hook/testing the waters theory also doesn't make sense to me.


But then again, nothing makes sense to me anymore.

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I've quoted the above because in many ways I could have written the same thing in April of this year. At that point I'd got back with a woman that dumped me twice last year, the first time in May 06 after 3.5 years and then again in October 06 after we had got back together in September. We then got back together in December last year. Each time it was her decision to split, I enforced NC and she came back to me - each time claiming she'd made the biggest mistake of her life.


This last attempt lasted 10 months, but 4 months in I started to see the warning signs that things weren't right and unlike at any other time in the relationship I felt I had the strength to do something about it. I could see that we were falling into the same 'comfortable' rut that we had gotten into before our first breakup, we had begun to drift apart, there was less energy, less passion, less desire to be intimate (and by that I don't just mean sex, I mean that feeling to be physically and mentally close to the other person).


Anyway, I plucked up the courage and came to the conclusion that although I loved her I didn't think I was 'IN LOVE' with her, I knew I would miss her incredibly, I hated the fact that things weren't different and that I felt like I wanted to get out of the relationship, I still found her physically attractive - maybe I wasn't as sexually attracted to her but I think this was more a result of the issues we had, and I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. But no matter how many doubts I had, I knew there was a problem and I hate to use obtuse language but I 'felt' things weren't right and that they could never truly be right again.


I told her I wanted us to break up, I told her my concerns and reasons for wanting out, she broke down, cried, screamed, begged and when it came down to it I couldn't bear to see her like that, I couldn't bear to hurt this precious little angel who for so long had meant the whole world to me. So I said I was wrong and stayed. Six months later she dumped me again, no explanation, just that she wanted out.


I want to just run through my feelings on the "I love you but I'm not in-love with you" sentence. I think this line is often misused by people that clearly no longer love there partner but I also think it is possible to 'love' but not be 'in love' with someone. When I decided I wanted out of my previous relationship I still loved her, that was the reason I couldn't leave in the end because I couldn't bear to see her hurt. Even now I love her, even after all the heartache she has caused me if I see her and she looks sad I feel my heart aching for her, not because I want her back but because I can't bear to see her sad. I know we aren't good together, I've had over 18 months of finding that out, I've grown so much over that period of time and I don't want a relationship with her anymore. I can honestly say now that I understand the phrase "I love you but I'm not in-love with you".


After all that what am I trying to say? Well, take it from a guy that's had his fair share of uncertainty, fear, insecurity and loss, you both have a hell of a lot of issues to work out before you can even contemplate getting back together, and from my experience unless you BOTH work through these over a considerable period of time whilst you are apart then I don't believe you have any prospect of achieving a solid relationship. Personally I would say that it's not worth it, I would say that although it's natural to want anything when the alternative appears to be nothing, it's not worth it. In your situation neither one of you is willing to stand firm and call an end to this endless trading of sorrow and doubt. Rather than telling other's that you are struggling you are telling each other, you are setting each other back and feeding of the other persons emotions, this can only end two ways:


A. One of you finds the strength to walkaway, then whatever happens will happen, you might get back together in the future, you may not want to.




B. You nibble away at each other for the next 6 months, then decide to give it another go, you get back together with not only the problems you've had all along but also the added beauty of insecurity knowing that at any moment the other person might just say "enough is enough" and decide they want their space again.


I think you should have sent the original message you started this thread with, maybe think about the advise you are giving him, he could take this as an insult and although you are probably right it will only give him ammunition to continue communicating with you, even if he's only texting you to ask what right you have to tell him he needs to see a therapist. It needs to be your last statement before you disappear from his life, not forever but for as long as you need to move on. It should not require a response and you should be in a position to ignore any response it gets, no matter how angry or how pleading it may be. In a way you are breaking up from him, it needs to be done unless you are willing to accept him back right now, faults and all because I guarantee that whilst you carry on with this situation he is not going to change, he is not going to grow and nothing will change.


It's hard and but you're in the right place to do it, there are a lot of wonderful people here that will go through this with you, advise you and pick you up when you fall. Good luck.

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hpsowce - My deepest thanks for your well thought out reply. The question I have to ask now is, when she left 6 months later did you still feel you were not "in love" with her at that time?


I didn't particularly want to hear your words, but probably needed to. The one thing I am proud of is that although I have cried, I have not once begged or even asked him to come home since the night he told me the "not in love" line. I've made no attempt to hide that I'm hurting, but I'd like to think I did not make a fool of myself.


I have decided not to send the letter and am not going to contact him. If he contacts me, what he sends will matter as to whether I respond.


The neighbors told me they called the police on the van, so I expect it's going to be towed. Feeling like I should warn him, but you know what - he's had more than sufficient time to get it and it's not my problem that he has not. I am waiting for a call back from my lawyer on how long I have to hold his stuff before I can get rid of it on my own.

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The difference between loving and being in love is slight, I would say that after the discussion I had with her and when I backed down I mistakenly misread my intense emotions for her as being in love. So if you had asked me the day after whether I was in love with her I would have said "yes, completely". Although for weeks before I had been pondering life without her and almost wishing she would dump me to save me having to take that step. Which was cowardly and something I'm not proud of, but I am learning and growing all the time and in the future I will have the strength to do what I believe is right.


From the moment she dumped me I knew I was in love with her, there was no doubt in my mind, I knew from my big toe to the tip of my head that I loved this woman more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. Such is the warping of reality that happens when your world gets ripped away and you are faced with the fact that someone who has claimed they would love you forever has decided that they don't actually love you in the way they thought and they can envisage their life being a hell of a lot better without you in it.


Now I look back and know that if you had asked me that question thirty seconds before she dumped me, with me having no idea it was about to happen you would have got a very different answer. The answer would have been: "That's a tricky one, I know I care about her a lot, I do think I love her but things aren't perfect in the relationship at the moment and haven't been for months. I've been wondering a lot lately about what my life would be like without her and how many things I've given up whilst in this relationship. Am I in love with her? I don't know, I've loved her for so long I'm scared to be without her. Am I happy? Things could be worse, but things could be a lot better". As you may be able to tell I've always been one of the worlds greatest procrastinators.


For me the whole "loving but not being in love" scenario is akin to a reversal of Shakespeare's "star-crossed lovers". It's two people that share so much, that know each other so well but ultimately fate has decreed that it isn't meant to be. And with heavy hearts and much sorrow they slip apart. It's not a nice analogy, it's quite depressing really because it detracts from the self-righteous anger many of us feel towards our exes, but it paints a scenario wherein you can't actually blame the other person entirely for your pain, you can only truly blame circumstance and life itself. But then blaming life and fate is an ultimately pointless and self-destructive activity.


That's not to say that some people don't get back together after a break up and go on to live happy and fulfilled lives but this is usually because during the breakup one or both individuals has managed to learn about and correct one or more defects in their character that was putting strain on the relationship.

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