Talk about being F'ed Up!

[JustaFool]

I'll try to make this as short but complete as possible. I'm just finalizing my divorce after a two year marriage. Things just didn't work out. That's not what I'm writing about though, but it's part of the story. Within the last four months a co-worker and I have become very close. She's completely great in every way except one...she just got married last week. I know what everyone is going to say..."get away" and I'm a scumbag...but of course, it's complicated. We didn't intend to feel the way we do for each other...it just happened. You can't control things like that. Anyway, she started confiding in me about her doubts about her fiancee and getting married. A lot of her problems are the same my soon to be ex an I had. Only she has more (ex. her fiancee has a child from a previous relationship and it causes a lot of turmoil). Oh yeah, she said she's

not in love with him.

Well, we went from friends to more than friends. We started by texting, and phone calls, and talking at work and progressed to meeting up with each other and becoming physical(no sex, but not because of any reason except no where to go...she lives with him and I still live with my ex until the house is sold). We've had countless conversations about her and I and the bottom line is this. We are falling in love with one another, we want to be with one another, we see a long future with one another. We have great chemistry, communication, attraction, common interests, goals, etc. everything you could want in a relationship. But, she said she had to get married out of

obligation

. And she would then figure things out. She knows her marriage will not last and she said that she wants things to work out between her and I. She even called me a few times from her honeymoon. She knows it's morally wrong and so do I, but neither one of us want to stop. Anyway, she got home a few days ago and I haven't seen her since. We've spoken everyday on the phone (both have off of work all week). I know it's been busy with Christmas and everything, but I thought she could have made time to see me at some point. She said nothing would change between us after she was married. Well, like I said, she's only been back 3 days...but i haven't seen her. Her now-husband keeps very close tabs on her. She told me everything a guy could want to hear from a girl and for the most part, I believe her. It's just really f'ed up because I never thought I would be...but I'm "the other guy" and I obviously don't get priority. Meaning, she'll say she will call and doesn't or she'll meet me and doesn't...always because she can't get away from him. Don't get me wrong, before she left on her trip...she did a pretty good job of seeing me. Anyway, there's more, but I just wanted to see what some of you thought of this situation.

[jettison]

I'll try to make this as short but complete as possible. I'm just finalizing my divorce after a two year marriage. Things just didn't work out.

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

That's not what I'm writing about though, but it's part of the story. Within the last four months a co-worker and I have become very close. She's completely great in every way except one...she just got married last week. I know what everyone is going to say..."get away" and I'm a scumbag...but of course, it's complicated. We didn't intend to feel the way we do for each other...it just happened. You can't control things like that.

 

Yes, you can control things like that. If someone is married, then don't flirt with them, don't go to lunch with them, then stare at them.... to say that you have no control is just an excuse. You want to be with her so you forgo your morality in order to accomplish your ends. Beyond that, she can't possibly be right for you because someone that would cheat on their husband, especially after just getting married isn't right for anyone. Similarly, you're not right for anyone right now either. You're getting a divorce. You have baggage that is clouding your judgement.

 

Anyway, she started confiding in me about her doubts about her fiancee and getting married. A lot of her problems are the same my soon to be ex an I had. Only she has more (ex. her fiancee has a child from a previous relationship and it causes a lot of turmoil). Oh yeah, she said she's

not in love with him.

 

She sounds like she'd make an interesting wife. Please picture your future with her.

 

"We met because I was going through a divorce, and she married the wrong man. She wasn't in love with him anymore. She was in love with me. Eventually, she broke it off with him and moved in with me."

 

her: Meets new guy at the gym

her to the new guy: "I thought I was in love with this new guy, but I was just feeling scared and confused about my then husband and felt like I needed someone. He seemed to really understand me, and we shared a common interest. Of course, now I realize that I just rushed into something that wasn't right for me. I'm having second thought about him now. I don't think it will work, and I don't think I'm in love. However, I think I might be in love with you now."

 

Because this is exactly how it is likely to go, and so the cycle continues.

 

 

Well, we went from friends to more than friends. We started by texting, and phone calls, and talking at work and progressed to meeting up with each other and becoming physical(no sex, but not because of any reason except no where to go...she lives with him and I still live with my ex until the house is sold).

 

And you knew from the very first text that something way more could come out of it, that you were getting a charge by flirting with her, and that you would gladly cheat if it progressed to that point. And of course, it did.

 

We've had countless conversations about her and I and the bottom line is this. We are falling in love with one another, we want to be with one another, we see a long future with one another. We have great chemistry, communication, attraction, common interests, goals, etc. everything you could want in a relationship.

 

Except for that fact that you're using each other rather then face being alone and dealing with your real problems. That part is hardly perfect.

 

But, she said she had to get married out of

obligation

. And she would then figure things out. She knows her marriage will not last and she said that she wants things to work out between her and I. She even called me a few times from her honeymoon.

 

You'll be the the "husband" some day while she's calling the "other guy" from your honeymoon.

 

She knows it's morally wrong and so do I, but neither one of us want to stop. Anyway, she got home a few days ago and I haven't seen her since. We've spoken everyday on the phone (both have off of work all week). I know it's been busy with Christmas and everything, but I thought she could have made time to see me at some point. She said nothing would change between us after she was married. Well, like I said, she's only been back 3 days...but i haven't seen her. Her now-husband keeps very close tabs on her.

 

You know how wrong this is. One or both of you will get very hurt by this.

 

She told me everything a guy could want to hear from a girl and for the most part, I believe her. It's just really f'ed up because I never thought I would be...but I'm "the other guy" and I obviously don't get priority. Meaning, she'll say she will call and doesn't or she'll meet me and doesn't...always because she can't get away from him. Don't get me wrong, before she left on her trip...she did a pretty good job of seeing me. Anyway, there's more, but I just wanted to see what some of you thought of this situation.

 

It's not even. She has a husband, and you don't. The dynamic of your relationship will change significantly minus the component of "We're being soooo bad, but being sooooo bad with you just feels sooooo good." Once that's gone, and it's really just you two trying to make a life together based on a terrible foundation of denial and betrayal, good luck.

 

 

[St00f]

Are you just physically attracted to her or could she be a rebound? Is she only physically attracted to you? If both of you say that you actually see a good relationship happening with you two there always to consider that she is someone who would cheat even if she was married. And if she really does have more feelings for you than the guy she is about to marry then why is she still marrying him? If she didn't really love him and wanted to start something with you she would not get married to him. Maybe she just doesn't want to feel tied down.

 

My advice would be to "get away". Afterall she is a co-worker and it could cause work related issues, not only that she is marrying someone she doesn't love is not really a good quality in a girl. And if you are looking for another long term it would be a bad idea to start one with this girl. Is there any chance she just Lusts you?

[itsallgrand]

I think you are facing right now a huge life decision. We are usually faced with decisions like this especially when some life altering event, like a divorce, comes into play.

 

1) Throw your self and soul to pot because you are hurting (you being with her is part of this)

 

2) Stand up with the pain and fight for your self and heal (this would involve removing yourself completely from this situation doing whatever is necessary to do so).

 

There's more, but most of this is details I think. I think you are hurting real bad and possibily didn't know what to do. So you went with whatever seemed to come your way - and this is always the easy, 'temptation', crappy, self esteem destroying bad stuff.

A good life requires participation - and it seems like you have checked out.

 

The only real choice to make is to face your life with dignity while going through this hard time now, or to let yourself off the hook and continue going down the pooper 'just cause you are hurting.

 

Fight for yourself. Get up off your knees. Hold your head up high.

 

No woman on earth can either take, nor give, you your dignity. Think about it.

 

As for her not holding you as a priority - well - first things first, are you making yourself a priority right now? She's not doing anything to you that you aren't doing to yourself, and it is all garbage.

 

Why not make the decision that you are going to treat yourself like you are worth a lot? That'll fill the hole you are feeling much better than any of this transitory crap.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

ummmm... this makes no sense! why on earth would she marry someone with the intent of divorce?? it really sounds like you might have been her last fling before marriage.

 

you say she 'can't get away from him...' yes, she can, and she wouldn't have married him if she was really serious about you.

 

what does he offer that you don't? more money, a better lifestyle, different culture or religion or ?? i think you need to think about why on earth she would marry someone else if she is 'in love' with you. she might just be stringing you along and like the attention... are you ready to have YEARS of furtive rendevous with no sex with someone who belongs to someone else.

 

that sounds to me like she is enjoying the attention, and you are getting nothing but leftovers.

[Sketch]

she just got married last week. I know what everyone is going to say..."get away" and I'm a scumbag...but of course, it's complicated.

Classic...

What exactly is complex about avoiding married people?

 

We didn't intend to feel the way we do for each other...it just happened. You can't control things like that.

You may not control your feelings, but you control your actions.

 

Use your big head to make decisions...then use your little head once you are confident that your decision is a sound one.

[Dako]

A long, complex post.

Here's my oversimplified response.

You're coming out of a divorce, and probably have all kinds of weird feelings about being alone. Please don't let those complex unresolved feelings lead you into a maze of confusion with this woman. Clean up your life by enjoying yourself before getting involved with someone with such convoluted baggage, no matter how fine she seems.

 

After the pain you've felt, you should be gentle to yourself.

[JadedStar]

. Anyway, she started confiding in me about her doubts about her fiancee and getting married.

 

But she DID marry him.

 

This does not sound complex at all.