posted a merry christmas message

[spazmy]

Hey folks,

 

thought about it for a bit and sent her a merry christmas and a happy new year message. I think sometimes people have to rise above the circumstances and wish well for the other. At least this is how I see it. I do want her to be happy. The break has been so absolute - I don't think it is any longer a question of egos. It is a question of doing the right thing - which is wish the other well through whatver it is they have chosen. She has often called me emotionally abusive and at the same time devoted and loving. Over many months of NC I realized some things about myself which were affecting her adversely. So over time I felt maybe she had done the right thing. Perhaps the new relationship is good for her. I do so want to wish her well. So I sent in a christmas card today. I have changed within myself over a year of introspection. And it is beautiful feeling this way where one knows one is liberated of hatred and pain and anger and has only love and care to offer in some form or the other. Whether or not anybody wants it, I feel I have come a long way since she left to be with someone else. Moreover, I feel so happy being single. I do not say that she was perfect. She oftentimes used to get physically abusive and went into deep depression before she left me. Either way, I realized that even though she loved me, I was bringing out the worst in her. Perhaps it is best that things turned out the way they did.

 

It was time to do the right thing for her. I am not even gunning for a response. Just did what I felt was needed. I can continue to live in peace knowing that I have loved her absolutely and given her everything I had to give from my side. And who knows, where it will go from here. But for once, I do not feel the need to look into my mailbox in the morning. I feel more like having my own day and thinking about the precious morning itself.

 

Off I go to sleep. Merry Christmas to all of you.

[cnflctd]

I am so tempted to send a message right now. I KNOW she is at her parents' as lonely as I am here. I don't want to seem weak, but am I supposed to believe she wants someone who is strong and stubborn all the time? I know if I text her I could look like pathetic freak or someone who truly loves her. And I am both. But I have no way of really knowing how she would see it. I guess I should believe she would be the big enough person to contact me if that's what she wants. But am I willing to take that chance? This is the worst.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Good for you spazmy..this goes to show that once a person doesn't feel the need to be in control all the time, and can love him/herself, then they are more driven to act with love and compassion and are not bogged down by stubborn and erroneous thoughts of looking weak, pathetic and out of control. Glad to hear you have been doing a lot of soul searching...you will feel much more at peace with yourself regardless of the outcome with her.

[spazmy]

Hey Crazyaboutdogs.

 

I agree. I am peaceful for the most part. I do not have a response. But I did expect this. While there never was any cheating involved from my side, I made a lot of attempts at being controlling and also was not really reciprocative towards her needs. At a very general level I feel the relationship would not have lasted even if I were to have been reciprocative. Simply because her mind was growing as she was with me and in the end, I may not have been the right person to match her fascination with her growth. Moreover, she had come out of a marriage to be with me. To some degree, perhaps she rebounded on me (for four years I think). But I cannot say for sure. What I can say though is that in the space I have had, I understand things much more objectively. I did love her a lot. And while she was never equipped emotionally to understand my love, she certainly made a lot of efforts. If anything, it is out of respect for her efforts to go beyond herself during the relationship, that I stay attached to her at some level. I cannot specify a time frame when I will be gone or over her, but I can certainly say that there is a respectful way of moving on. And this, I think, is precisely it. She knows what I feel and may derive some comfort from it. It may even strengthen her new relationship. But I do truly want her to be happy. I cannot tell you how much it hurts sometimes to watch her in pain.