How long would you wait for you wife in the "best friend zone"?

[cuddlester]

I think I mentioned this in another thread, but I am curious out there what you all would do. What if your wife had told you that she loved you and that you were her best friend but she all the sudden wasn't turned on by you (or anyone else)? How long would you wait for a wife in the "best friend zone" before demanding a divorce? Say you were separated too. I am a decent good looking guy with a good body, so I am not used to this sort of thing. I mean I am no player, but I have never not had sex for more than a month for over the last 15 years. And of that time, I usually had sex daily with my wife. Now all the sudden, we had marital problems I was put in the best friend zone.

 

Let's assume there is a way out, and that our little friendly meeting turn back to a normal husband wife deal. How long should I wait before I call it all off? I am also assuming, of course, she is being faithful, which I think she is. And ladies how long would you put a man in the friend zone before you get too horny and need sex?

[southerngirl]

Best friends is a start. I mean, she isn't saying that she hates you. Have you considered going to a counselor that could help you to work things out?

 

You mention there is a separation. Are there any children involved?

 

Do you go out on dates with your wife? Court her?

 

What led to the break up?

 

You said that shes not interested in sex with you or anyone else, and is not being unfaithful.... How old is she? Is she on any medications? There could be a physical reason for her lack of a sex drive. Also, if you have pissed her off royally recently she might not be feeling the love. This is where courting her could help.

 

I believe that most woman need emotional connections, and if the man needs the physical connection you must meet in the middle. You meet her needs, and in turn she will feel more inclined to meet your physical needs. Someone's going to have to give in and forgive and make that first step.

 

I can not tell you how long to wait, what seems to me to be the right time maybe too long or too short for you. You must make that choice. How hard are you willing to fight for your marriage? How seriously do you take that commitment you made to your wife? These are questions you must answer for yourself.

[yokohama_mama]

For me the answer would depend on whether or not there were kids in the picture.

 

And in answer to the question "for the ladies", my answer would depend on how I was feeling towards my man and the reasons for not wanting to have sex. If I had access to a good vibrator, I could hold out forever!

[emma34]

From a woman's perspective, we have ups and downs when it comes to sex drive, but from what your saying it seems as though this down has been lasting for a long time....longer than you are comfortable with.

Also from a woman's perspective though, if she has no sexual attraction to you or anyone else there is one of two things going on here.

1. There is physically something wrong with her

2. There is psychologically something bothering her

I think generally women find it easier to go without sex, thereforeeee it might take a little digging to find out why she doesn't want to. If she is honestly not turned on by you, I'd say you will know when the time comes to let go.

Okay. your last question about how long a woman would put a man in the friend zone before getting too horny and needing sex...quite possibly: forever. I would rather go a life without sex than have unenjoyable sex - what is the point in that? But I mean, that's assuming I can't have good sex with my friend I guess.

[cuddlester]

Thank all three of you for your replies. Southerngirl, to reply to you, there are no kids involved. We have been married a little over 8 years now. I have watched her grow so much and supported her along the way. She feel indebt to me for that or so she says. As for last fall, she began her PhD in statistical math, a purely applied subject that many women are in the program. The men in with her do not appeal to her as she is 32 and feels she is more mature than them. And by the way, I am 37 myself, so there isn't a huge age difference.

 

As for dates, since the separation, I have not gone on dates with her, but that was her choice. Until last week, I was too emotionally unstable to not cry during the date because of the intimacy lost, so I think it is understandable. I feel stronger now about it, but I do tend to go in cycles. Today I might be strong, but if we go on a date, I might suddenly feel sad and miss the intimacy we have lost. I don't know. I hope I get a chance to figure that out, but she'll be the one who has to initiate.

 

The break up was due to several factors coming into focus all at once. Suddenly she told me one day about six months ago that she "Choose me over school." Not understanding that she was even contemplating leaving me and having a personality disorder whereby I feel very afraid of being alone, that sent me through the roof. We fought about it bitterly, but we settled down, and I accepted that she had chosen me and had been considering leaving me (by implication).

 

Then around mid September I found out that she was going to live in her college town about 40 minutes away by reading some e-mail of hers. She wanted to live there only four days of the week, but that was also very unacceptable to me. We fought about that for weeks, but eventually, I realized that I was going to lose her if I didn't allow it. She moved out during that part of the week, but I was not strong. Each time she'd leave, I'd call each day and be sad. We fought about this for awhile because I was so bitterly afraid of losing her. The fights were such that I'd push her away and then want her back, and this pattern sent her into retreat from me faster than ever. About two weeks ago, she said she wanted to separate, despite the fact I had leased a bigger and better apartment for her to intice her back into my life more. At that point, I was devastated, assuming it was over.

 

Now over the Christmas break, she says she misses tenderness and love and all (not sex), but she has to stay separated from me because she cannot accept from or give back any love to me. She is friendly on the phone provided I wait for her to call me; otherwise, she is very distant. She is completely emotionally unstable, as am I. At the drop of a hat, either of us can cry now.

 

In her new place, she says she wants perfect structure. She wants to eat the same meals each day, have the place perfectly in order and clean, and have no drama. I suspect this is in reaction to our hectic life of the last couple months which was anything but orderly and very emotionally taxing.

 

At this point, I just am allowing her some room. She still calls, and she seems interested in trying to keep the relationship alive, although she has told me before that she is "moving on" (although I said that too before and here I am). The point is that I am confused. She is confused. I am being very nice, and she is being nice back. The sex stuff sucks since we haven't had sex now for 3 weeks! This is from a prior frequency of about every three days, even when she was living away during part of the week (and every day when we lived together). The only way I can stay strong and take this lack of sex is mostly working out harder and well doing you know what more. I feel so empty about it. I mean on the one hand I know I am pretty attractive (I have always worked out and stayed thin and built), make tons of money, and would be pretty well received in the dating scene since I don't look my age and am well to do, but I don't feel attractive when my wife and I are separated and close to divorce. I feel unwanted and like a loser. I don't have many friends to share all of this with either, and for that I am trying to find more folks to hang out with. It's just a mess. I have a raging sex drive, depression, separation panic, and all sorts of negative feelings working against me. I feel fine today because I am away with my family for the holidays, but when I get back, I'll feel the weight of the world crushing me again. I'll just be there all alone with nothing but my thoughts to torment me, paralized from all the fun stuff I could be doing because of this situation.

 

Oh and if all of this wasn't enough, I feel I might be somewhat afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't hurt myself or anything like that, but I have so many other symptoms like a near panic dread of people abandoning me. When we would fight, I also pushed her away only to want her back. I don't know if I got it, but it took me getting to this point to even consider listening to a doctor friend who says I do. I made an appointment to have an evaluation, though, because at this point, I just want to be less miserable, no matter what. If that takes medications like mood stabalizers, then give them to me. I just know that any other drug I have tried like alcohol or pot, just makes everything ten times worse, so I don't do anything anymore.

[yokohama_mama]

Your wife said she chose you over school, but in fact it looks like the opposite is now true. School is clearly taking priority over you these days. A Phd program must be very demanding, but it seems unfair that she's putting all her energy and focus there when she's married. Maybe she got married too soon and should have waited to complete her education.

 

I don't think her leaving and not wanting sex has anything to do with whether you are fit, attractive or successful. It seems like she can't handle the stress of school along with your emotional needs. Your emotional needs are intensified by her being distracted with school, so it's kind of a vicious cycle. The more she retreats, the more you need her, which makes her retreat even further.

 

It's an unfortunate situation, but you can't control her actions, only your own. I think you're on the right track in seeking support from people outside the relationship. If counselling or even medication are helpful getting you through this, you should not hesitate to get that help.

 

I hope you feel better soon.