Got dumped today

[relm]

Sadly, I just lost the woman of my dreams today. I really care about her but we had a huge fight last night and she told me to get lost this morning through text message. I haven't yet responded but I feel bad for both she and I because we are both really sensetive shy people. I have felt closer to her than anyone else in my life, but I don't really know what to do. Anyway, the holidays tend to be very lonely but this year is especially bad. It would be nice to talk to an understanding someone.

[Hope75]

Hi Relm,

 

What was the fight about? Have you fought before?

 

How was the relationship otherwise?

[buckdawg]

i'm sorry to hear this happened to you. sucks it was on Christmas Eve too

 

if it's not too personal, what was the nature of the argument? were there prior incidents that lead to this?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sadly, I just lost the woman of my dreams today. I really care about her but we had a huge fight last night and she told me to get lost this morning through text message. I haven't yet responded but I feel bad for both she and I because we are both really sensetive shy people. I have felt closer to her than anyone else in my life, but I don't really know what to do. Anyway, the holidays tend to be very lonely but this year is especially bad. It would be nice to talk to an understanding someone.

 

Perhaps it will blow over?? I am sorry. You have come to the right place to share your story. We have all been there.

[LE DHUY NHUT]

When she said to get lost was it for good or just in the heat of the moment?Did she actually say that it's over....in person?Give it some time until she cools down.

[iambrazilian]

right on xmas eve...im so sorryyy...

[relm]

Thanks, friends...this was our first fight but it dealt with deeply held values and attitudes and ultimately different ideas of what our future together looks like. Ultimately she wants 100% independence even after she has a family, but I think when there are children, adults have to act with a much greater sense of responsibility and care for the welfare of the kids. I ultimately felt she showed a complete lack of maternal instinct (though I didn't say that) and was being very ego-centric. She had no desire to compromise on any of this. I understand everyone needs "me" time but if it is only "me" time, that is no good and extremely problematic to raising a family in my opinion. That is the gist of the argument.

[wiser]

That's a lot more serious than "whose turn is it to take out the garbage", that's for sure.

[Hope75]

Well, to be honest, I don't see how this could have been 'the woman of your dreams' if you had such differing views on important issues such as child-rearing.

 

Something tells me it was probably a good idea you found this out now vs. after you might have been married and expecting a child.

[LBP]

I know exactly where you're coming from... The girl of my dreams had the same outlook. And Hope75, to illustrate the point I don't think he means 'the woman who fits perfectly my every value.' I think he means the woman he's met who makes him happy in every way and is a wonderful companion; fun, beautiful, intelligent, everything you'd want.

 

What she doesn't have is the ability to compromise herself... My ex was the same way. If anything could conceivably slow her down she cut it out, no questions asked. I have an aunt who's the same way, now a mother of two children, but still putting her career ahead of everything. There's such a look of sadness in her children's eyes when talking about her... They MISS her. A nanny and dad just don't cut it. Children need their mother.

 

It's a shame that there are all these wonderful, intelligent, basically good-hearted women who are so afraid of limiting themselves that they are willing to sacrifice these fundamental aspects of their humanity. I mean, it's one thing to choose not to have children. It's quite another to want them anyway, for to pass on that opportunity would be a limitation, yet be unwilling to commit to what's necessary. I understand it, I really do. but it's sad. Simply a fact of the modern world I suppose. It of course goes both ways for both genders, but I've experienced it personally with women more often.

 

I really feel for you, relm. Good luck and I hope everything works out. One way or another you'll be okay.

[relm]

Thanks LBP - you are EXACTLY right! I don't want or need someone perfect in all ways, just someone who is perfect in the right ways like my now x. I can't believe how close our situations are...you seem like a very astute soul destined for great things and I appreciate your sensitive nature.

 

What is so sad for me right now is that I've never met anyone like her in the ways that we connected. We were a spiritual/social/personal/creative match and got each other immediately. In my life I've found that to be exceedingly rare.

 

The way I see it, there are only four possible outcomes for disputes.

1.) Compromise

2.) You side with her and sacrifice your ground

3.) She sides with you and sacrifices her ground

4.) You both walk away from each other unable to yield nor compromise

 

It seems like no other option exists. You can't really not yield ones position and still maintain a relationship if in the end, values are compromised. So from a logical point of view, I see that this is a dead end, but what makes everything confusing is that it isn't immediately apparent exactly what ones position is. There are many things I stand firmly on that upon re-evaluation, I can easily concede. The delicate nature of human relationships is that sometimes people can and do change. I have a friend who broke up with his current wife several times before they decided to work out their issues and now he's been happily married for years. I read some of the advice on this website about surviving breaking up where it says "do not contact the ex no matter how much you want to resolve things" but aren't there just as many examples where people realize they were wrong and work through their differences?

 

Sorry if I'm not making any sense, I'm on my second martini...my christmas gift to myself

[JadedStar]

Thanks, friends...this was our first fight but it dealt with deeply held values and attitudes and ultimately different ideas of what our future together looks like. Ultimately she wants 100% independence even after she has a family, but I think when there are children, adults have to act with a much greater sense of responsibility and care for the welfare of the kids. I ultimately felt she showed a complete lack of maternal instinct (though I didn't say that) and was being very ego-centric. She had no desire to compromise on any of this. I understand everyone needs "me" time but if it is only "me" time, that is no good and extremely problematic to raising a family in my opinion. That is the gist of the argument.

 

These are huge value differences. I think that even tho it hurts the break up might be best before it went longer...seems to me that this is contrary to your saying "woman of your dreams". seems that the woman of your dreams wouldn't have such conflicting values to your own. Part of what normally makes a man or woman our dream partner is sharing the important values in life...when they don't it is going to cause a lot of havoc on the relationship. Somethings can be overlooked and compromised but the big values one has on life should be similar to their partner's...yours obviously are not.

[tray25]

She is selfish. Do you want to spend time with a selfish woman? When women have kids, they usually use the words sacrifice, not independence. Let her go. Find a girl who is not selfish. She told you to get lost on christmas, that is selfish as well.

[tray25]

More and more young women are selfish these days. Even older women may agree with that. It is more and more me, me, me, attitude. This is extremely unattractive to a man who wants to have a family. She is not ready, she is in her selfish stage. Let her go bro....

[estrella28]

Just so you two know, relm and LBP, there are girls out there who would give anything to find a guy devoted to family like you guys. You may think it's mostly girls, but I have yet to find a guy who cares about responsibility or children like that. Then again, I'm only 19, but I feel like if that's something you care about, you'll care about it even when you're younger.