Getting Lumped and Generalized As The "Typical" Guy

[musicguy]

I hate being generalized in the jerk category or like "every other guy" I'm talking to a girl right now and she's been hurt in the past by guys and has trust issues with guys. Well, I've been hurt by girls too, but I give people a chance. Everyone has been hurt in relationships and a lot of people have trust issues with the opposite sex, but not EVERYONE is the same. I'm NOT like other guys.

 

Why is it that women who have been hurt by guys, automatically place every guy in the ***hole category. It's not my fault that they date these kind of guys. I'm the rare nice guy who actually cares about a woman's feelings and who doesn't lie/cheat on anyone.

[love4life]

Her categorizing it is probably not based on anything the guy did - cheat or lie; it's probably based in the fundamental difference between men and women: women want security and commitment sooner than men and if a man doesn't want to give it to her because he's not ready or he's not sure, then he gets labeled a jerk/ * * * * * * * .

 

My ex was a nice guy, too (I can finally say that after all the horrible things I said about him), but he was so afraid to give everthing he had to me, and that's where the trust was broken.

[RayKay]

Well, just as you say you don't generalize about all women being out to hurt you...don't generalize that all women whom have been hurt place every guy in the same category!

 

I sure don't.

 

Also don't generalize that it is always because they "date these kind of guys" - sometimes they are hurt not because the guy is a "jerk" but because things just don't work out. They are just in different places in life, or just can't give one another what the other needs - it does not make them "jerks" or the like - just not compatible together. But it can still HURT, and be hard to take that risk again for people.

 

I find guys whom are genuinely nice guys, don't need to seek out to state they are, they just are themselves.

 

No one is "typical" - they are all individuals with flaws and the like, and while there are some "jerks", in my experience most are just doing the best to figure themselves & their lives out.

 

 

You might not want to get involved with someone whom clearly lumps everyone in the same category as they really aren't ready to have a healthy relationship with anyone until they can get over that.

[tiredofvampires]

I know the feeling, musicguy. And I am speaking as a woman. So this IS an equal-opportunity problem.

 

The longer people live and move through relationships, the more jaded MOST people get -- or wary, or mistrusting, or some other malady of armored expectations. It is really sad, but it's true. It's a learning and coping mechanism. But the problem is that then you have to be the one to have to prove yourself to them, and this is a dirty job.

 

I have made the mistake -- most spectacularly, with my ex -- of believing that it was somehow my job to 'prove' I was different. He represented a challenge to me, even in the beginning, by expressing how, given his past relationships, he was almost expecting the worst of the dating experience. Being the rescuer type, and feeling that he was open and vulnerable enough to be pursuaded otherwise by my loving intentions, I set about to show him it didn't have to be "that way." At first, he was awestruck, and told me no one had ever made him feel that safe and loved -- but then, soon, insecurities and demons of his started to creep in and lash out at me, projecting all kinds of motives onto me that didn't exist. I will never forgot one really bad dinner that started out fun but quickly started to degenerate over a conversation, and I said, "I feel like I'm having to bear the brunt of, and correct the ills of those who came before me."

 

He actually agreed!

 

This is really not a good way to go, and I would highly suggest that you be very careful of people who quickly jump to conclusions about you, laying their past onto the present. You may never be seen for who you are, and even if you are, the moment you do something to remind them of something they didn't like before, you will be cast back into the barrel with the other "sordid fish." It's just a lousy, lousy set-up, and I think you should head it off at the outset by not dating someone who puts you up to the challenge of being different from "the other jerks." Their impressions are pretty set in stone, and you are going to exhaust yourself trying to keep the plates spinning for them.

[Pegasus]

I hate being generalized in the jerk category or like "every other guy" I'm talking to a girl right now and she's been hurt in the past by guys and has trust issues with guys.

 

This girl seems like too much trouble. I would stay away. You can't fix somebody...they can do that only by themselves and she is a long way from the end, so it seems.

 

I'm NOT like other guys. I'm the rare nice guy who actually cares about a woman's feelings and who doesn't lie/cheat on anyone.

 

This is not something that will make them attracted to you. Period. It took me a long time to learn that. Sure, they want someone to trust but not somebody who advertises himself as "nice guy different than other man". If they would want that, they would get a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.

[servedcold]

We all have baggage, and we all talk about it in relationships. The key is to see whether she is actually using her baggage to navigate how she treats you. If not, and it's just talk, try to be understanding and keep treating her well. If she is treating you badly because of baggage, time to walk.