Plunging self-esteem

[Allie.]

My ex-boyfriend of a year and a 2 months cheated on me. We broke up a few months ago because of it. I was shattered seeing as he was my first love. First boy that left me and not vice versa.

 

Now, I've been seeing another guy for about a month. Last night, he informed me that he has met someone that he is interested in. Though he claims to really like me, he says he has feelings for this other girl as well. I broke it off....no questions asked.

 

I am not hurt so much by him as I am internally. My self-esteem is beginning to suffer. This cheating is becoming a pattern. I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me. This guy, I thought, was very nice. My mind is convoluted with questions such as: Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not nice enough? Though friends tell me otherwise, its still starting to get to me. I am feeling very insecure.

 

What to do?

[ebizdiva]

Allie please don't beat yourself up about this. The only thing you can do is pick yourself up and keep going. Keep your head up, love yourself and trust that it's not you. I know that it sounds easier said than done but honestly that's all you can do. Have fun and enjoy yourself and you'll meet the right guy for you.

 

Sharifah

[Clementine orange]

Peaks and valleys that's all. It's important (though difficult I know) not to measure or somehow peg our self esteem levels to how others treat us. Look at your personal accomplishments, goals, skills and so on. Focus on the positive!

[arwen]

Hey Allie,

 

First of all, I am terribly sorry for the way your relationship ended. Good thing you ended things yourself though. No point in staying with a person that would rather be with someone else. It's also good that he was honest, even though his message was painful- I can understand you feel betrayed, but do you feel that he actually cheated?

 

I can imagine this raises questions in your head- and those are questions that are useful to think about in fact. Do you know that episode of Sex and the City where Carry wonders if she is not after all dating the same guy over and over again? I have felt that way exactly after I got treated like crap in different relationships. I seemed to choose partners that would ruin the little selfesteem that I had. My first bf had a large ego, and I am quite sure there has been an overlap between me and his current gf (i.e. he cheated). In my later relationships I started to see a pattern: I subconsciously fell for guys that didn't make me happy at all. Did that mean I deserved that kind of treatment? Of course not. It meant that I needed to love myself more before I entered a relationship in the first place.

 

You are smart and pretty- and the fact that people treat you badly is not a reflection of who YOU are, in the first place it's a reflection of who THEY are. It can be a reflection of how you feel about yourself though, and that is something you can work on, something you have power over so to say.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[Allie.]

Thanks guys.

 

I just wish...my self-esteem would not be harmed by this. How can I work on getting it back up? I mean...when my relationship of a year ended...I pretended like it didn't affect me so much but I cannot ignore it anymore. Its having brutal effects. I just....need some ways to help boost it back up.

[TemporaryHero]

I know how easy it is to feel like your self worth can't be put back together again after watching yourself come crashing down like an angel who just had their wings torn from their bodies mid-flight.

 

Naturally anyone who has been hurt before knows whether they choose to accept it or not, that it's not the end of the world and while the pain and hurt is so deep there will come a day that they wake up and it won't hurt any more. Then again maybe that's stretching it a bit, this type of pain can stay with a person for a long time (maybe even their entire lives) even after they have moved on with one or several others.

 

Just another dent in the armor that feels heavier and heavier when life decides to deal us a particularly heavy blow. I know you're going to see a lot of folks come here and for the most part repeat the same advice, and you could go elsewhere and find or hear the same advice. The truth is theres not much else anyone can say, no miracle phrase to make it all go away, the peace comes from within ourselves. It's a hard battle but we get through one way or another, theres no set time, everyone is different..but I can tell you that it does come.

 

What you are feeling is common unfortunately, I'm going through it myself. For what it's worth know that it's not impossible to pull yourself off the ground. Do your best to stay strong, keep busy, take your time, you will prevail.

[ebizdiva]

To boost your self-esteem find other outlets that you can plunge yourself into that you're proud of. Hobbies, group activities, etc. There is no easy cure to boost self-esteem. Although you may have acted like these things didn't effect you in actually they did. Things that happen to us emotionally are one of the hardest things for us to deal with because if something happened to you physically you could take some time off, have some time to grieve and nobody would aspect you to just go back to your normal regular self. But since it's "only" emotional pan. You "just" lost a guy. Society tells us that we have to shake it off and go back to normal. Acknowledge the fact that you are in pain. You are hurt. These guys really shook your self esteem to it's core. You begin to doubt yourself and if you are not careful begin to really sink into some lows. Look yourself in the mirror and love yourself. Know that in time this too shall pass and that you will see better days. It may not be easy but you have to deal with the fact that you are ok, it's not you and that you are worthy of a good man who loves you, respects you and treats you right. It's not going to be easy. If I had a magic cure all people to offer you they'd probably all be gone by now because I would have taken them all myself.

 

Time heals all wounds. Keep your head up.

 

Sharifah

[rs.dallaire]

Thanks guys.

 

I just wish...my self-esteem would not be harmed by this. How can I work on getting it back up? I mean...when my relationship of a year ended...I pretended like it didn't affect me so much but I cannot ignore it anymore. Its having brutal effects. I just....need some ways to help boost it back up.

 

I think you should spend a bit of time on your own and think about what happened. I don't think you should let this affect your self-esteem but I also think that every relationship is a learning experience.

 

First breakups are very painful. Spend time with your friends over the holidays and forget about all of this. When you feel better, you might meet a nice guy, and who knows...

 

People tend to analyze situations quite a bit and say that this person was a jerk and this other person was too needy. What it all boils down to though is that you two weren't meant to be.

 

The next guy you date might be the one - or he might not. That's what makes life so beautiful.

 

Once you fully recover from your breakup, you will feel so much stronger, trust me.

 

Until then, enjoy the holiday break!