So near, yet so far...

[Mustang]

Hi guys. I've posted here before about my ex and the current situation is bothering me a little bit.

 

Check my other threads for all the background info if you need to, but basically for those that can't be bothered, we broke up when she went to uni - she needed freedom and space. It's a new and exciting time for her and I guess I just didn't fit into her life. This made me become clingy and insecure which didn't help.

 

It's been two months and I've sorted (or I'm sorting) myself out. I enjoy my freedom now. I have realised how much I put to one side for the sake of my ex. That isn't healthy. We were living in each other's pockets during the summer and we had nothing to share with each other because we were always together.

 

We send friendly texts to each other every so often. It's very hidden mind you. I don't ever bring up "us" and neither does she. But it kind of feels a bit like we're both hiding behind text messages. It never really gets to a personal level, it's just friendly chit chat for the sake of it. Which is fine to a certain extent. I'm not going on an all-out attack to get her back. I just want us to be close again.

 

The contact between us is very cool and relaxed but I can't help but feel that there's more to the texts than just politeness. Kind of like when somebody looks upset but they say they're OK sort of thing. What I mean is that I really miss her but I never tell her anything about how I'm feeling. I just act cool and calm. She does the same. But it doesn't feel like a friendship. We are talking like strangers and it kills me. I know I have to be cool so I don't scare her away but I'm being so cool now that I don't know how the hell to progress from here.

 

We are both back in our home town for Christmas and I asked her a week or so ago if she wanted to catch up when we got back. She said it'd be cool to meet up.

 

I'm worried that she may have just agreed to meeting up to be polite and doesn't really want to meet me. If that is the case then obviously I can't pester her about it. But if she does want to see me, I don't think she'll come to me because she is the sort of girl to keep things close to her chest. When we broke up she was very indecisive about the whole thing.

 

I'm not miserable about the break up anymore. I do get moments of anger, sadness, nostalgia, etc every now and then as I'm sure she does too. But I have learnt a lot of positive things from the break up and I am a new person now. I think my ex may be scared that I am going to be the same paranoid, insecure idiot I was when we split. That really isn't the case.

 

I don't really know what to think. Is she texting me just to be polite? Surely after two months she'd not bother seeing as she dumped me? Or is maybe she just keeping me on hold until she's ready?

 

Sorry, I have ranted a bit but all I really want to know is how to ask her out without sounding like I'm going to beg her back as soon as I see her. It's not going to be like that at all. I just want to have a fun night out with her and get away from the awkward "how does the other person feel?" text messages.

 

As I said before, she's agreed to meet me. Should I just bite the bullet and invite her out for a drink? Or should I let her come to me?

 

Happy holidays to you all!

[pryda]

It sounds like you're totally overanalysing all of her actions, and if that is the case then you might not be ready to go for a drink with her yet. You'll just spend the entire evening overanalysing everything she's saying, and then overanalysing it all some more once you get home again.

 

At the end of the day, there's no way of knowing exactly what's going through her head. No-one on this forum will be able to tell you if she's just texting to be polite or if she's thinking about getting back with you, or whatever. You need to stop thinking this way, stop wondering about what her feelings are, how sincere she is, or you aren't gonna get anywhere. I know it's hard; I've been in the same boat recently.

 

Just be decisive and assertive. You were the one to suggest the drink, so the ball is in her court now. If she wants to do it, she'll have to come to you. You don't want to give off the impression that you're desperate to go for the drink, you have to sit back, let her WANT to come for it. And of course, before making any arrangements you should think hard about whether or not you really think it's the right decision.

 

I'm in a similar situation to you. Broke up a month ago, made a bit of a mess of things and came accross a bit pathetic. Now I feel I've got myself together - I'm not over her, but I won't make any more mistakes. Only difference is, in my situation it was her who suggested we meet for a drink, and it was her who then followed that up with more specific arrangements last night - it's actually tonight she's thinking of doing it, depending on whether or not she can skip out of doing family stuff. So what I said was, "yes that sounds good, if you decide tomorrow you definitely want to do it and you don't have to stay at home with your family, then give me a text." And now the ball is in her court - if she texts me, I'm feel somewhat empowered because it will have been HER coming to ME. If she doesn't text me, I'll assume she doesn't feel ready yet OR she got caught up with family matters, and I'll just let the situation drop. I won't try and force it to happen, I'll sit back, act like I don't really mind that much about the drink, and wait to see if she'll try and arrange again something later next week. If she doesn't, who cares? I don't need her! That is the mentality to have.

 

Now, a lot of people on here will tell you that you shouldn't be going for drinks with her, you just should just be making as little contact as possible. But I know the feeling - you've messed up and been all pathetic, you want an opportunity now to show her you aren't gonna be like this anymore. You want her last memories of you before she goes back to school or wherever to be GOOD ones. It's a risk, because if you don't pull it off and you have another meltdown, she'll respect you even less.

 

If you do decide to meet her and she gets back to you to sort out a time, go in there with the attitude that this is just one night, one drink. You're not planning to meet her frequently as friends. Make your impression on her, then PULL AWAY. Get back some power. If she likes what she sees of you that night, she'll come back for more. It'll be HER wanting to meet YOU for drinks. If she doesn't come after you, you'll have to just let it go and stop contacting her.

[ebizdiva]

I say the fact that she agreed to meet you is a good sign. Meet with her and enjoy her company for what it's worth. You won't know until you go how things are going to be between you. You might find the need to express yourself and share your feelings or maybe after actually seeing her in person after all of this time you may find that your feelings have been diminished some and you have been holding on to the memory of what was. Who knows? Go, have fun, enjoy, but don't put too much pressure on her or yourself. Just trust yourself and do what comes naturally.

 

Sharifah

[Mustang]

Thanks guys. Your advice has been really helpful.