Have you ever asked to remain friends during a break-up and actually meant it?

[love4life]

If so, what was the outcome? Did you remain friends (or become friends once wounds were healed)? Or did the other person refuse, never to be heard from again?

[MaNg0s]

Well after I broke up with the love of my life a few months ago. She asked if we could remain friends I said no because it would hurt too much. But after when I asked to be with her again and she refused I asked if we could be friends she said yes and said that she did not want to be in a relationship with me again which hurt. I do not want to be friends with her for breaking my heart I am too mad at her it would just be too complicated.

[renaissancewoman101]

In all my breakups (which haven't been that many since I haven't had THAT many relationships), I've always asked to stay friends. It's worked out in most of my break-ups. For example, my first ex, we never really "broke-up", he just came out of the closet and told me he was gay. We stayed good friends and are still good friends to this day. Other breakups, like with my last ex, we email occasionally.

 

I like staying friends with my ex's. A relationship ending doesn't mean both parties hate each other or that the other person is a butthead for breaking up with you. Sometimes, friendship can be salvaged out of the ashes. You just have to be able to look at the big picture, not just they hurt you and broke up with you.

[sweetharmony]

my last ex it ended in February of this year (only 6 mos) but i was devastated at the time...he wanted to remain friends and i have to tell you this was the worst mist painful breakup for me as I was going through a major depression and wanted to just crawl away and die...weird, considering most of my previous rel. were 4 1/2 yrs, 2 yrs, 1 year, etc...

 

but this time i thought it was it and i thought i loved him...i was living in a fantasy world...anyways, he wanted to remain friends and kept contacting me through e-mail friendly (even though I didn't want to at first).

 

we continue to keep in touch to this day...every month or so...not close and don't hang out, but I have NO HARD FEELINGS at all. In fact, if he were with someone, I'd be happy, he treated me extremely well and only deserves the best. the breakup though hard had wonderful closure...I e-mailed him a long closure e-mail telling him all the things I cherished about us and all the things that I could have done better but that we just didn't work (it was him that decided it in the end)...he replied with a long letter with the same feelings and honored what we had. he told me all the wonderful things he cared about me, but that love nwasn't enough. people say never to send those letters, but i disagree...if it didn't work out and the person treated you well, maybe in the long run you can be friends, but not soon...he continues to keep in touch and tells me about his family and friends and work, and I feel so happy for him. honestly, i don't have any feelings for him anymore and I realize the ending was for the best. i've even considered going to one of his shows for support. but we haven't really seen each other since feb....so, not sure how i'd feel actually seeing him. but honeslty i see a picture of him, he's on my myspace and I don't look at it or think about it...he is just a nice guy and hte memories are long gone...i think it takes a good long while...only when I started a new relationship did my feelings go away for sure.... so i think it's possible, but takes time.

[annie24]

yes - two. one of them, i had still strong feelings for him, he didn't have them for me though. it was incredibly difficult and caused me a lot of heartache for years.

 

the more recent one, we both liked each other as friends, but there just wasn't enough chemistry to sustain a relationship. we are still friends now though, just heard from him today. he is a great guy.

[Msnak]

I have the unfortunately trait of being a second thought for some men, where they call me from 1 week to 1 year later, trying to pretend everything's groovy.

 

It makes me laugh, but I send them packing.

 

So I am against being friends. I am trying it now, though, for the second actual time, and it's fine if you don't love the person. If you do, it's a test of your strength.

 

There are times I want to scream and say "Why did we bother with the friendship if it is so much work?"

 

There are times I wonder if we were better bf and gf than friends, LOL!

 

But it has taught me some customer service skills--because I have learned to be nice, no matter what!

[JeckyllNHyde]

i stayed great friends with only one of my exes.

but that's only b/c i was the one who dumped so it was less painfull for me.

then there is always overcoming those moments when they are sitting there telling you about who they hooked up with or who they are dating.. or worse: now that i'm dating someone and he asks me stuff. it's super akward to answer those questions.

only way to stay friends IMO is when you both are in happy relationships. anything other then that, will only lead to confusion..

everytime im not in a relationship and get lonely for instance, and me and him are close like talking alot on the phone etc, i start wondering if i made the right choice of dumping him. but a year later we're still broken up and i always remember WHY we broke up in the first place: lack of love between us. remembering that helps keep us in friend zone too.

 

so if your gonna be friends with the ex, REMIND yourself over and over why it ended... and dont settle and go back.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I don't think I could do it. How would the feelings die down? It would be impossible for me.

[delerium6]

I don't think I could do it. How would the feelings die down? It would be impossible for me.

 

I agree.

 

It's such a lose-lose situation as a dumpee. If you remain friends, it becomes so much harder to move on and hearing about her seeing someone new would be gut wrenching. On the other hand, never hearing or seeing them again after years of being so intertwined with their lives - as if they literally died - is tough to comprehend.

 

This is particularly rough for those of us whose relationship was seemingly great (no fights, cheating, abuse, etc.) but the dumper dropped the "Sorry, ILYBNILWY" line.

 

Sometimes I've wondered if there's something in between. Like maybe a phone call or email every few months, just to play catch-up a bit. You're not hanging out every week like buddies, but at least the two people know the other is alive. I don't know if I could even handle that for a while, but for some people it might be a good middle ground.

[Dako]

I think it can work if the relationship already contained a true friendship.

Some couples are linked more by sexual attraction or financial habits, not shared interests and pursuits. When the sexual relationship goes, there's not much left to salvage.

[Jackson123]

About a month ago my ex asked me, "how do 2 broken hearts meet in the middle?" I think that after you've both had time to heal and mend your wounds, a friendship is very possible. I can't imagine never seeing or talking to my ex again. We want to remain in each others lives because of our history together. But we can't see each other right now because there is still so much emotion involved between us, she hasn't been able to totally forgive and forget and she is seeing someone else.

We haven't spoken in 2 weeks. i miss her and want to talk to her but know at this point that is a bad idea. I did send her a Christmas card but seriously doubt I'll hear from her and thats okay. I hope she is happy and thinks about me from time to time.

[Zorba]

I've never asked to remain friends and actually can't ever even hearing of a guy saying that. I would generally say no way, quite simply because friends is a downgrade. I've enough friends, male and female, so adding one with that baggage is a no no. I have one ex who is still a friend. My first love(ahhhhh from the decade with shoulder pads and dodgy music..... Our split was very strange and mostly based on circumstances, but anyway, we're still in contact. So much so that she's getting hitched next year(nice guy) and I'm giving her away at the wedding as her dad died a few years back. I'm not friends with any of my other exes, dumpees or dumpers regardless. A couple have contacted me over the years but usually to whine about some emotional issue or other(and not much else). It's bad enough that I heard that stuff when we were together, now that we're not and I don't get the benefits of such an arrangement, I don't see the point.

[bear12]

well, i really only have three significant relationships.

 

the first one lasted for about a year and i was the dumper- but it was slightly more complicated than that. we remain friends but very very casual ones- we maybe email once every six months or something... but the few times we've seen each other have always been sort of awkard- i mean, enough time has passed (5 years now) that i don't hardly even think of him as an ex, but there's still some weird sextual tension or something and it just doesn't feel like a normal friendship. still, i enjoy keeping up on his life.

 

then my second one, is one of my best friends to this day. we were together for over two years it was a somewhat mutual break-up- in the sense that i was the dumpee, but deep down i knew it was for the best- but we had a strong friendship before the relationship to fall back on. i've received a few drunken texts over the years that are somewhat inappropriate, but when it comes down to it, we have a lot of respect for each other and each other's subsequent relationships, and i can really picture us having happy dinners together with our spouses and (kids?!! geez..) 10, 20 years down the road...

 

and then the last one... the reason i'm on this website. that's just a mess. we only dated for a bit over a year, but i was completely and uterly heartbroken and i think maybe that's the difference. he's with someone else right now- it's apparently "very serious" and he's made sacrafices for her that he never would for me- and the idea of that is just far too painful for me to imagine us being friends. i miss him like crazy and sometimes just want to email him to tell him a funny story, whatever, but he's pretty much closed off that possibility (after proposng to be friends, buying me dinner and telling me i look amazing... grrrr...) but in the end it probably is for the best. i suppose by some fluke we could become friends again 10 years down the road or something (we do have mutual friends) but this can't happen for a long, long time.

 

so based on my very very small sample size: i'd say friendship is a possibility if you were friends before the relationship, the break up was somewhat mutual and neither side has any ambitions of getting back together... but if not, it's going to be rough, and probably not worth it... i mean, think about it. friends go to friends weddings, right? i'd say if you couldn't go to the person's wedding without bursting into tears a friendship is not a good idea... ust my own way to measure the situation.

[WaterIsLife]

I think it can work if the relationship already contained a true friendship.

Some couples are linked more by sexual attraction or financial habits, not shared interests and pursuits. When the sexual relationship goes, there's not much left to salvage.

 

 

I think you make an excellent point Dako. Despite all the pain caused between me and my ex, there is still is deep respect and a deep caring. We certainly share a number of interests, tastes, and views. So I would have to say that there is a true friendship there as well.