shady2pac Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I have been married for 20 years. have 2 kids. after a trip from her native country, my wife has been talking to another married man (he is working on building contract with her property) - beyond just business e.g. about her life, husband, kids etc..twice or thrice at odd hours behind her husbands back. She even set separate bank account and had her telephone bill to this person (international) on auto-withdrawl. this went on for 2 months+ and she was finally confronted by me. She said she did nothing to break fidelity and it was just pure friendship. However, it was discovered that she and this man (married with kids) did exchange words like I love you etc. which she claims was casual with no feelings behind it. I am devastated. Wife says she is very sorry but she had no ill will behind what she did. She says she loves me to death and will NEVER do anything to break their marriage. Need help and comments as to what I should do and what really happened or could have happened if my friend didnt discover. This man was never a friend to begin with, a pure business related acquaintance. Really need help asap Was she cheating and being infidel to me? What really happened? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I don't buy that is was strictly a friendship- if that was the case why did she feel the need to hide it from you and went through the effort of creating a separate account in order to have the phone bills hidden from you? In my experience if your partner is hiding something from you, that is because they have something legitimate to hide. Link to comment
weeyin Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 i have to agree with the above comment, she went out of her way to keep things from you , i would confront her about it . Link to comment
Rabican Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 She cheated. If not physically, then emotionally. She should NEVER be telling another man that she loves him, unless its her dad or brother. Ever. tell her she already did do something to break up your marriage. She knew this whole situation was wrong, and hid it from you. Now if she wants a second chance the first thing I would tell her to do would be to end EVERYTHING with this guy. No more calls, no emails, no texts, no nothing... gone, done, no contact, PERIOD!! If she balks at all about this, say ok honey... whatever you say. Then go to a lawyer, file for divorce and give her the papers that night for dinner. Link to comment
rocio Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I'm trying to understand what happened here. Did she get him to pay her phone bill? And if so, did she have an explanation that made any sense? Otherwise it seems that perhaps she was talking alot to him long distance and wanted to hide that fact from you. I think you need more answers. If I were you, I would hire a private investigator to figure out what's really going on here. Link to comment
ebizdiva Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 She may not have been cheating physically but she certaintly wasn't upholding your marriage vows. Marriage vows, at least most of them, say to forsake all others and she is lying to you in order to have some sort of relationship with this man. She's hiding the phone bill, telling him I love you and she's created a separate account that you don't know about. She may consider it a brotherly type of love but then that would make me wonder if she has any other long lost brothers you know nothing about. These are all deliberate actions and it would make me doubt her trustworthiness. Sharifah Link to comment
shady2pac Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 I have been married for 20 years. have 2 kids. after a trip from her native country, my wife has been talking to another married man (he is working on building contract with her property) - beyond just business e.g. about her life, husband, kids etc..twice or thrice at odd hours behind her husbands back. She even set separate account and had her telephone bill to this person (international) on auto-withdrawl. this went on for 2 months+ and one day i found out about these calls and confronted her. She said she did nothing to break fidelity and it was just pure friendship. She loved talking to this man, but agrees she shouldn't have. It was discovered that she and this man (married with kids) did exchange words like I love you /Love you too etc. which she claims was casual with no feelings behind it and was uttered after an incident when she was sad and was in grief and crying when talking about her mother who died recently etc. I am devastated. Wife says she is very sorry but she had no ill will behind what she did. She says she loves me to death and will NEVER do anything to break their marriage. Need help and comments as to what I should do and what really happened or could have happened if my friend didnt discover. This man was never a friend to begin with, a pure business related acquaintance. Really need help asap Was she cheating and being infidel to me? What really happened? Should I give her a chance? I feel she did have an emotional affair and said things which she should have never shared with an outsider, however close it may be or harmless may be. She keeps telling me she made a stupid mistake and meant nothing emotional. I am baffled, sad, torn and heartbroken. Please advise!!! Link to comment
Hope75 Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 I am merging this with the thread you started last night. Please be aware that duplicate posts about the same situation are not permitted. If you have any questions feel free to PM a moderator or administrator. Thanks Hope75 Moderator Link to comment
LifesontheUp Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 Sorry to hear what you are going through. Nothing makes any sense with what she says happened. You don't say you love someone if its just casual feelings and you don't go to all the trouble of setting up a separate bank account to pay the phone bill by mistake. When my dad died, one of my work colleagues was very good to me and would listen and talk to me whenever I was feeling down or crying. But I never ever told him that I loved him. Come on why would you tell a colleague that unless you are more than friends. What your wife did was NOT some terrible mistake. It was deliberate actions on her part to cover whatever she was doing. Just saying sorry will not cut it I'm afraid. She has to accept that what she did has hurt you and your marriage. It is likely your wife will not come clean on what went on unless pushed to do so. She will continue to lie in order to cover this infidelity, be it emotional or more. Can I ask whether counselling has been suggested and if so what was her reaction? Does the other mans wife know about this supposedly pure friendship? Has your wife stopped contact with him? Link to comment
shady2pac Posted December 25, 2007 Author Share Posted December 25, 2007 she stopped all contacts so far and she is always calling me and saying i love u and will do anything to restore trust and love in the marriage. She even recommended conselling herself for both of us. I am just pure devastated! what do u folks think really happened here? Link to comment
rs.dallaire Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 My view on situations like this are a bit different from other people's. In every relationship, there are ups and downs. Women will always feel attraction for more than one man and in today's world it has become extremely difficult to remain 100% faithful. It has nothing to do with people's morals. It has to do with people's emotions. I believe your wife when she says she still loves you to death. But she did feel the need to connect with another man. No matter how well you would've stickhandled the situation, the emotional need was there and she was going to do something about it sooner or later. You could go ahead and think that she's a liar and rule her out of your life. Or you could view this as a big bump that has caused damage - but nothing that couldn't be fixed. So you could dump her now. Or you could view this as the ideal opportunity to set the record straight with her AND go to therapy together. I highly suggest you accept that your wife is a human being and that emotions cannot be controled. Please go to therapy, it can be SO helpful. Link to comment
rs.dallaire Posted December 25, 2007 Share Posted December 25, 2007 what do u folks think really happened here? Perhaps they didn't have sex. Or perhaps they did. No matter what the truth is, reality for you is what she told you. If you love her and she loves you, believe her. If you can't stand the situation anymore, break it off. Link to comment
shady2pac Posted December 26, 2007 Author Share Posted December 26, 2007 they never had sex for sure. I dont 100% believe she is telling me everything 'cuz she may be in a state of denial. i am willing to forgive but may not forget for the rest of my life. We have kids, and i have to sacrifice to an extent for them. What i am horrified is what could have happened if I didnt intervened. Link to comment
shady2pac Posted December 26, 2007 Author Share Posted December 26, 2007 i think you are right. There is not much to do here except give her a chance to restore the marriage vows and trust! Sometimes i think to punish her by having my own affair. just to show her how much it hurts. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 i think you are right. There is not much to do here except give her a chance to restore the marriage vows and trust! Sometimes i think to punish her by having my own affair. just to show her how much it hurts. I'm not really sure how 'punishing' her is going to help your marriage- in fact I suspect it will make it worse. You have to decide if you can forgive this type of behavior and move past it. Holding on for the kids' sake when you don't trust your wife, loathe what she did and cannot get past it is not going to serve anyone. Link to comment
shady2pac Posted December 26, 2007 Author Share Posted December 26, 2007 big question is - i can forgive but can i ever forget? the fiasco will haunt me for ever. What is a unfied suggestion here? Does she deserve a second chance? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 big question is - i can forgive but can i ever forget? the fiasco will haunt me for ever. What is a unfied suggestion here? Does she deserve a second chance? Unfortunately that is something only you can decide. Some people get past this while others cannot. You know yourself pretty well I imagine-- can you have a healthy, trusting relationship with her and not throw this in her face when you are upset? Link to comment
Bunney Posted December 26, 2007 Share Posted December 26, 2007 Well, I'd say go counselling as she suggested, stay with her for a while and see how it works and how you'll feel about it. I'm very sorry this happened to you. Often happens in relationship that one person looks for attention from outsiders. Could it have been because you weren't there for her, didn't pay alot of attention to her or took her for granted? I'd look for things that could have caused her to do this. Anyway I'm glad that she totally seems to be sorry for it and is willing to try and work it out. Good luck to you. Link to comment
shady2pac Posted December 30, 2007 Author Share Posted December 30, 2007 Could it have been because you weren't there for her, didn't pay alot of attention to her or took her for granted? I'd look for things that could have caused her to do this. There shouldnt be anything that I did to cause her to do what she did. She just came back from a great european vacation and then went to her native country to settle the property issues left by her parents. That should have been a relaxing fun filled vacation for her. Link to comment
rs.dallaire Posted December 31, 2007 Share Posted December 31, 2007 There shouldnt be anything that I did to cause her to do what she did. She just came back from a great european vacation and then went to her native country to settle the property issues left by her parents. That should have been a relaxing fun filled vacation for her. I'm not saying you did anything wrong but you should definitely look into the various symptoms that lead to this situation. The fun and relaxing vacation might've been the event that made her realize something was missing in her life. I think therapy would definitely help your couple get along better and it would also help you deal with what she did. Link to comment
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