Am I giving up my self respect?

[shay.shay82]

Hello, I found this board from a link from the Mars-Venus relationship board. It's nice to find a community of people who are going through similar issus and challenges. I'm 25 years old and my bf dumped me two months ago. Since then, we have seen each other twice and had sex twice. The past time after we did he said "You are too beautiful and amazing to waste yourself on me. You're a wonderful girl Shay, but not the one for me and if you think I'm coming back, please stop thinking that." I told him I understood, but I don't. I pelad with him daily to reconsider and I don't understand. He always hears me out and agrees that "on paper" we are good for each other, but to him something is missing. He says we should not have sex anymore but I told him we can be FWB and I'm fine with it, but am really not.

 

But I'd rather keep him in my bed than think of him in someone elses. To me, if he's still physically attracted to me I have a chance. But tonight he sent me a long email saying that we shouldn't talk for about two weeks and that I reall should focus my energy on meeting a guy who will "treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I was hoping I could be that guy, that's why I hung on for a couple more months but I can't be."

 

I am prepared to grovel, plead and beg. Like that song "Aint to proud to beg." But somewhere I know I am sacrificing my self respect but I do not care. My heart says that I have to do this and my head is just sort of hanging out not voicing an opinion. I guess why I am here to ask if I should maybe go to counseling or something. I don't have very many friends or family to talk to about this, I'm new to this city and the only friends I made were through him and things are awkward now.

 

Sorry for making this so long. I am fighting the urge to text him.

[wiser]

I pelad with him daily to reconsider and I don't understand...I am prepared to grovel, plead and beg. Like that song "Aint to proud to beg." But somewhere I know I am sacrificing my self respect but I do not care.

 

You are not only "sacrificing your self respect" but you are also "sacraficing any chance of ever getting him back".

 

He won't come back because you beg him. If he comes back, and that's unlikely, it will be because he sees something worth coming back to.

 

A hysterical, pleading, begging, emotional mess such as how you present yourself will only make him run further and faster.

[shay.shay82]

You are not only "sacrificing your self respect" but you are also "sacraficing any chance of ever getting him back".

 

He won't come back because you beg him. If he comes back, and that's unlikely, it will be because he sees something worth coming back to.

 

A hysterical, pleading, begging, emotional mess such as how you present yourself will only make him run further and faster.

 

Thank you wiser. That makes a lot of sense. I do have a question - why is a bad thing to tell someone you love that you love them? I just noticed in glancing in some of the old "get them back" forum threads that people say talking about your feelings is a no-no. Why is that? Isn't hiding feelings a form of lying?

[wiser]

I just noticed in glancing in some of the old "get them back" forum threads that people say talking about your feelings is a no-no. Why is that? Isn't hiding feelings a form of lying?

 

Because the person isn't interested in being with you anymore. For WHATEVER reasons. The only way they may change the way they feel, is if YOU change the way you act.

 

So what can you do to make yourself desirable?

 

Pick one:

 

Get on your knees and beg for mercy like a weak pathetic loser -OR-act like you are considering moving on yourself...appear strong, independent...have your own interests, maybe even another guy in mind.

 

Hint: People want what they can't have.

[Veroni]

Awwwww shay, I know how you feel. I started out begging my ex boyfrend to stay with me or to tell me why? I started feeling like what is wrong with me that he doesnt love me anymore? Then I went through the phase of trying to be his friend, because i thought that "out of sight out of mind" I thought that he would forget me or move on if i didnt keep myself in the picture. What I found out was it makes no difference what I do, he is letting go. So I stopped trying to do what I had to do to keep him, and started doing what I had to do to let him go. It gets easier once you accept that he is not coming back. You have to accept that you are his ex girlfriend. You have to accept that you arent going to change him. So how can you do that? You start to focus on only you. You make decisions, instead of being lead by your feelings. Then you will start to have more good days than bad one. Plus, You are in misery right now, and you are still talking to him and sleeping with him. Why dont you try to distance yourself from him, so that you can get your head right. So that you can start making choices with your head and not your broken heart. He slept with you, and now he desont want to see you for 2 weeks...so you see he wont be swayed. Love is not like in the movies, they dont wake up one day and realize "OMG, I love her, I want her back." Real life, goes like this...."I need a break, I love you but Im not in love with you." And its over. come to terms with that, so that you can get better. The longer you push yourself into this situation, the longer it will take for you to push him out of your heart. Fix your broken heart. That is what you should be focused on.

[shay.shay82]

Because the person isn't interested in being with you anymore. For WHATEVER reasons. The only way they may change the way they feel, is if YOU change the way you act.

 

So what can you do to make yourself desirable?

 

Pick one:

 

Get on your knees and beg for mercy like a weak pathetic loser -OR-act like you are considering moving on yourself...appear strong, independent...have your own interests, maybe even another guy in mind.

 

Hint: People want what they can't have.

 

Was sleeping with him an act of weakness? Lets suppose I didn't do the begging or pleading or texting/emailing/calling daily, but I still slept with him, would that be just as bad? I'm curious. Thank you for your advice. I understand the concept of scarce being valuable, but it seems like it shouldn't apply to relationships.

[shay.shay82]

"OMG, I love her, I want her back." Real life, goes like this...."I need a break, I love you but Im not in love with you." And its over. come to terms with that, so that you can get better. The longer you push yourself into this situation, the longer it will take for you to push him out of your heart. Fix your broken heart. That is what you should be focused on.

 

I understand this practically just like practically I understand that I am making myself look like a pathetic loser, but my heart won't let go. He said to me that at this point in time he feels he's not ready for commitment but that he wants to finish law school and reevaluate us, but on the other hand he doesn't feel like I should wait for him and I should go out and find a guy who will love me as I need NOW, not three years from now. So again practically I understand that he's already gone but my heart is holding on to the "Well, he said MAYBE" aspect of it, which is difficult and why I think I need to see a counselor or something like that.

[wiser]

Was sleeping with him an act of weakness? Lets suppose I didn't do the begging or pleading or texting/emailing/calling daily, but I still slept with him, would that be just as bad?

 

Yes.

 

....

[Veroni]

Its like this, He is taking time away from you, to finish school and career. He is putting him first, and there is nothing wrong with that but you are not putting yourself first in your own life. When he says maybe, you have to take that in stride. Maybe Is just a bone he is throwing at you. He is the dumper, and he doesnt want to feel guilty or feel like a jerk....so he figures if he says maybe, it will soften the blow for you. Love doesnt take breaks, Love doesnt need time, Love doesnt put something else in front of the person they love. He is working on him, you have to be ok with that. Meanwhile, do what you have to do, if you feel you need to see a therapist, than go. I think you are just going through the natural process of a break up. It hurts, if it didnt, then you wouldnt have really loved him. Stop holding hope for "maybe" and stop waiting for "maybe" the longer you wait, the more time you waste.

[shay.shay82]

This makes so much sense. Thank you.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

If I was in your situation, I don't think I could do the whole "FWB" thing. If you choose to, you would be risking your emotional health. Your relationship status, will be all screwy, for one, and your mental health with be all out of WHACK. You have to realize that if you choose to do the FWB, he doesn't HAVE to check in with you on things, like he did when you guys were officially dating.

[buckdawg]

I understand this practically just like practically I understand that I am making myself look like a pathetic loser, but my heart won't let go. He said to me that at this point in time he feels he's not ready for commitment but that he wants to finish law school and reevaluate us, but on the other hand he doesn't feel like I should wait for him and I should go out and find a guy who will love me as I need NOW, not three years from now. So again practically I understand that he's already gone but my heart is holding on to the "Well, he said MAYBE" aspect of it, which is difficult and why I think I need to see a counselor or something like that.

 

your heart will let go eventually. getting there sucks but it will. i'm sorry you're going through this

[shay.shay82]

If I was in your situation, I don't think I could do the whole "FWB" thing. If you choose to, you would be risking your emotional health. Your relationship status, will be all screwy, for one, and your mental health with be all out of WHACK. You have to realize that if you choose to do the FWB, he doesn't HAVE to check in with you on things, like he did when you guys were officially dating.

 

This is true. I have to keep that in mind. It's hard though. Last time we saw each other (yesterday), he stared at me all through dinner and I was like, "What?" and he said "Part of me is hoping you'll still be single and into me when I finish law school and figure out what I want to do with my life because you are so beautiful and I can't believe I'm throwing this away, and the other part of me hopes you find a great guy who isn't an * * * * * * * like me." Very confusing. But I guess I have to unconfuse myself. To be honest, the idea of getting out there and dating again is exhausting. I've gone on a couple of dates but no fireworks really. I am very impatient and the idea of kissing a lot of frogs to get to the prince doesn't appeal to me.

[shay.shay82]

your heart will let go eventually. getting there sucks but it will. i'm sorry you're going through this

 

Thank you. I hope you're right. But on another note, booo, OSU! I went to Penn State!

[Veroni]

In this situation, and basically in any situation you have to tell yourself...

"action speaks louder than words." He is all over the place. He looks at you and say he hopes he isnt making a mistake, then he wants you to find someone. He is mindtrippin you because he is struggling with his own intentions. Go by what he does, and not what he says. The only way you can do that is by pulling back, getting yourself out of the scenario and regrouping. When you focus, and find some clarity, you will see what the big picture is.

 

In reguards to your statement about dating.....You are not ready to be dating. One of the biggest problems we as women make is thinking we need to be with a man to make us happy. A relationship is not going to make you happy, someone loving you is not going to make you happy.....Being happy on your own through your efforts, and through your goals is what is going to make you happy. Unlike fleeting relationships, things that you accomplish for yourself will always be there. Then when you do meet the right guy, you will already be happy and he will just add to all the things you earned on your own.

[buckdawg]

Thank you. I hope you're right. But on another note, booo, OSU! I went to Penn State!

 

i'm so sorry for you. just when i thought your situation couldn't get any worse...

 

 

j/k lol see? you still got your sense of humor!!!