My own situation and some tidbits of advice

[vertex]

Very long post by me. I've split this post in half. One half is about my own ex situation and how I feel about it, the other half is some advice that has helped me get through my break-up. Go ahead and skip down to it if you do not feel like reading a wall of text!

 

I've mostly focusing on school during these weeks with lots of studying for exams. I don't know whether it's due to my bored and idle mind during my study sessions, but I got to thinking more about my ex and our relationship together. It has been nearly three months, and all the initial break-up sadness, depression, anger, tears, sleepless nights... all that has passed. I wake up in the mornings all cheery, bounce out of bed, go through my morning routine, and look forward to my day! I find myself visiting eNA less and less as time goes by. eNA provided me with that help, advice, and support I desperately needed during the starting weeks of the break-up. I used to browse obsessively, reading every single thread I saw. Nowadays, I simply don't have that burning desire to do so anymore. From reading all the posts here, I found myself again. I am myself once more and it feels great. Though my sincerest apologies for using you all and then abandoning you. But I'm back! Kind of...

 

Anyway, I spoke to my ex-girlfriend not too long ago (I'm in very LC with her). It was nice, we caught up on each other's daily happenings, she told me about her plans for school and such. Just random regular chat. She even told me she wanted to move closer to her new boyfriend. I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at this comment, even though I've already known about such plans for awhile now (mutual friends told me about it long ago). I roll my eyes not because of jealousy, anger, sadness, or contempt... but because of what I know about her.

 

You see, my ex is the quick attachment sort. She'll fall in love hard and fast (or at least thinks she's in love) for the person she is with at the time. And, of course, all those plans of moving in with her new love starts to appear within a month's time. No matter how unrealistic the notion is, she'll make these claims regardless.

 

Over and over again, she does this. Every single person she has ever been with has received the same treatment. This new guy she's with is no exception. She rebounds to him a week after I stop contacting her and declares she loves him and will be with him forever and ever five days later. So I sit here wondering... why do I even want her back? She toyed with my heart. During the weeks after the break-up that I continued to cling onto her, trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could fix it... I asked her if her claims that "we'll be together forever and ever" meant nothing to her. You know what she told me? She told me she should never have said that. It is as if she realizes saying things like that so early in the relationship is wrong and regrets doing it. Yet, in the very next relationship she finds herself in, she does it again.

 

So once more, I ask myself... do I want to be a part of that? Is it even possible for me to help her fix these issues she has? The resounding answer seems to be no. Am I going to shut her out of my life? No, I won't. Because I still care for her and suspect I always will. Every person I've ever befriended will always mean something to me. And my ex will continue to hold a special place in my heart because of the love I felt for her. She's a very quirky girl with many great qualities. She has her negative qualities too, but I accepted and loved every bit of her.

 

I was told that my ex and her new guy have been having some issues with one another lately. Not once in our entire relationship did she and I ever have any major problems. It's a bit strange, but we've never argued before. The only incident I can recall is when we had a misunderstanding one night that brought her to tears. But I was there and I talked her through it. An hour later, things were fine again. Yet not even three months with this new guy, the problems are already starting to appear. I can only sit back, shrug, and hope things work out for her. I'm not secretly praying that something will break the two of them up. Why? Because right here and right now, I can proudly proclaim that I don't need her. I've never needed her. In my mind, I thought I did... but I don't. It feels fantastic to be able to say this. I remember telling everybody here that I don't want anybody else, that I wanted only her. I said that I knew there were amazing people out there, but they weren't my incredible ex. I find myself shaking my head at these comments. After all, there may be someone better suited for me in the world. She's giving me the opportunity to find out.

 

I have also been told that she's been engaging in a lot of behaviour with the new guy that were once unique to just her and I. There were a lot of tiny little things she and I would repeatedly say to one another, making the both of us smile and melt a bit on the inside. She has taken a lot of those things and have begun to push them into her new relationship. It makes me wonder if she is she trying to relive that happiness I brought her.

 

Is she happy right now? I don't know for certain. I could make all the assumptions in the world, read into all her words, all her actions, and what other people tell me. Yet I will never know with absolute certainty. But her happiness is not my primary concern anymore. My happiness is. What I have discovered is that being single isn't all that bad. I can take care of myself and my own needs. I don't have to worry about anybody else. I am truly free.

 

------

 

It's the holiday season, and with Christmas coming up, I feel it is only appropriate to give back to a community that has given me so much. Here's my present to all the broken-hearted at eNA. Some tidbits of advice that have helped me move on:

 

- Take your ex off that pedestal. They were not perfect for you. As much as your head tells you that they were... I hate to be blunt, but your head is wrong in this case. There will be things that emerge that proves this fact to you. Some will be minor: like how they tend to leave their cellphone off. Some will be major: like a significant difference on how they feel about issues that are important to you. Unless your ex was a clone of you, there will always be stuff that makes them not so perfect. And even if they were a clone of you, I'm sure there are things you do that end up annoying yourself.

 

- BE HAPPY. Easy to say, hard to do. But if you want your ex back, you must find a way to be happy. Nobody wants to be with somebody who is depressed and sad. You can follow all the strategies for getting your ex back to the letter, but unless you are happy... they will not succeed. Get that smile on your face, laugh at really bad jokes, be content just being you! You want to get back with your ex? This is where it has to start!

 

- Do not jump into a new relationship immediately! I am sure most people here would agree with me: rebound relationships such as these almost never end up working out. Take some time for yourself to be with yourself. As tempting as that new person may be, unless you have gotten over your ex and learned from your past relationship, you will only be dragging a lot of baggage around with you. That baggage will only end up hindering your new relationship.

 

- Don't let the pain of the break-up immobilize you. Yes, they broke up with you and yes it sucks. But just like your hand touching an extremely hot stove, you wouldn't want to leave your hand there to burn, would you? Of course not! You would immediately pull it away. Wallowing in your misery will only prolong the pain. Use that pain instead to motivate you. Pull that hand away from the stove.

 

- Find something new to do. Go do that thing you've always wanted to, but never really had the chance to or never seemed to be motivated enough to do. Me? I picked up the guitar and started teaching myself how to play it. A little over a month and a half of learning later, I'm able to play and sing to a number of songs. It's fun, focuses my mind on something other than my ex, and is a nice improvement to myself. Everybody seems to be amazed at how quickly I learned to play. The ladies love it when I play and sing, even if it's quite bad at times.

 

- Work on yourself, improve yourself. This is similar to the above point, but more general. Do you happen to be a shy person? Get yourself out there more, join a club and mingle with others! Having trouble lifting five pounds? Hit the gym and get fit! Not only will you feel better about yourself in the end, you will be better. It's a win-win situation.

 

- No Contact (NC) is your friend. Don't do it in hopes of knocking some sense into your ex and possibly getting them back. Do it because you need time away from them so you can heal from the pain. Time away from your ex after a break-up is a good thing. Don't torture yourself by hanging onto them immediately after a break-up. They made a decision and it's a decision they will not likely change no matter what you do or say... at least for now. In some cases, Nc doesn't go on forever. But it has to be done because both you and your ex need time to adjust to things. Go NC and let the healing begin. This leads nicely to the next bit of advice...

 

- Let them go. And I mean really let them go. Your ex is walking their own path now, and you don't have to hold their hand anymore. It's time you walk your own path too. Because, as I mentioned above, nothing you do will likely bring them back to you. This is especially true early in the break-up. In fact, anything you do then has a high probability of backfiring, pushing them away even further. Am I saying that you should never contact them ever again and that you have no chance of being with them in the future? No, I believe the chance and the hope will always be there... but don't revolve your life around that notion. Time moves on with or without you. Don't get left behind.

 

- Every individual relationship is unique. Not all advice will encompass all relationships. Some advice will work for you, some advice won't. Recognize that your emotions will cloud your judgement occasionally (or perhaps very often). Clear your head, read, and think. You'll find the answers in time.

 

If I think of anything else, I'll add to this. Anyone with more tidbits of advice that has helped them through the rough times, do feel free to contribute! Even if it's something tiny and seemingly miniscule, lets hear it. Because sometimes, it's the simplest pieces of advice that help the most.

 

Happy holidays to you all!

[Lugh]

Wise beyond your years , vertex some nice points in your advice section, cheers.

[pryda]

I read every word, it was brilliant!

It has really inspired me to stop feeling like crap and move on.

 

I should really take note of where you said that trying to force things early on in a break-up is always gonna be counter-intuitive. This is so, so true. It's in everyone's nature, I suppose, when you lose something you love, you feel like time is against you and that the faster you act, the more successful you'll be in getting it back. You always worry that if you don't act fast, she might find someone else and then your chances are null and void. But I think in this sort of situation that's not right. You have to be patient or you'll FAIL! It's gonna take time to heal, and it's also gonna take time for her to get some perspective and figure out what she wants. Until the time necessary for BOTH these things has elapsed, anything you say or do will almost certainly backfire.

 

Thanks for the help!

[Josh07]

After 4 months of been apart from my ex, I have to agree with everything you've stated above.

 

Absolutely right, no doubt about it.

 

Thanks for your post vertex, I needed to read something like that to keep me motivated again.

[vertex]

Wow... it has been a very interesting Christmas week. A day after I posted this topic, I met somebody amazing. It's still very early for the two of us, but it's clear she's as interested in me as I am in her. She and I got to talking a bunch over the past few days, and the flirting has been extremely heavy... where it will lead, who knows... I'll take it one step at a time. All I know is that I haven't had a single thought about my ex after meeting this girl. Until today that is.

 

Why did my ex pop back onto my mind? Because something strange happened when I completely and truly let go of her. When you let go for good (and I was not a believer in this before), some unknown forces in the world begin to work... and your ex ends up contacting you. It sounds crazy and, in fact, it is crazy. But it happens. She wished me a merry Christmas and early happy new year, and we just spent some time chatting.

 

But, you know... I didn't really feel much of anything. There was an initial rush of emotions when we first started talking, but that passed quickly. Maybe she misses me. Maybe not. I'm okay either way.

 

This new girl I met deserves a fair chance. Heck, I deserve a fair chance at finding somebody new too. My ex won't be hanging over my head as I pursue others... I won't let that happen. I'll continue to take her calls, read her emails, respond to her IMs... and generally be a good friend, but I'm done chasing her. All this chasing I've done for her has tired me out. It's about time I had somebody chase me instead... somebody new.

 

After all, life goes on. I feel ready to see what's out there for me.

[Clabs]

Hey Vertex!

 

This is such an inspirational thread - good for you fella for getting yourself back on track again!

 

To anyone who has recently broken up or is feeling the holiday blues, print this out - put a copy in the car, a copy on the fridge, a copy by your bed - hell, a copy in the restroom! Read it over and over again because there is hope, even when it seems so hopeless.

 

Mark