I have a problem

[carbamezapine]

Ok...i know im probably going to cop alot of hate for this but i need to tell my story.

I am an abuser (physical). I am telling my story to help find ways for it to never happen again because i do not want to be that sort of person EVER AGAIN.

I cant get my head around it still. Why would i react that way i dont know. This is what makes it so hard. Its so way out of character for me. Or maybe its not... maybe you guys can help me out a little.

 

Anyway here we go. We had a big night out a few weeks ago. We were both drunk and everything was fine until we got home. Earlier in the night my gf and her brother had got into a little fight because she swore and she never usually does that. He called a taxi without asking her and she got upset that the taxi was called without consulting her, and that if any of her other siblings had done what she had done nothing would have been done. She was really upset about it but before i knew it they were best friends again giving each other a hug.

 

So we get home and i make the comment i wish she could forgive me the way she does with her brother. She wouldnt listen to what i was saying which got me really upset really quickly and i got into a rage. Looking back i have no idea why. I dont know if i needed to be in control or if it was just that she wasnt listening to me. I was sitting along side a window and i kicked it 3 times in my anger. She went off to the bedroom and i followed her in still angry. I had a TV next to me in the doorway which i pushed off its stand and i must have pushed it pretty hard because it rebounded off the wall and hit her side. She then ran off outside and called her mum to pick her up.

It was then my rage turned back off and realising what just happened i tried to go outside and apologize. I didnt know what had overcome me, why this had just happened.

 

So outside im apologizing telling her to please come back inside that i'll sleep on the couch and not go near her etc. And shes yelling at me, calling me all sorts of names (which i deserved). Next thing she says shes calling the cops and i panic i chase her down and try to grab her phone off her so she wont call the cops. We have a wrestling match over the phone eventually i win and walk back home. Thing is soon as i have the phone i dont even want it but as i go to give it back to her, her mum picks her up.

 

To cut a long story short in the wrestle for her phone i must have accidently pushed it into her face because she got a fat lip. I can honestly say that this was unintentional and an accident. I do understand that does not matter because the fact is i still caused the injury by being abusive (wrestling her phone from her).

 

She reported it to the cops, so i have an assault charge coming my way, i have no gf (obviously), and we have to sell our house that we were buying together. She also put a violent restraining order against me. So im kind of shut out from all dealings with the selling of our house.

 

I loved this girl so much and i cant understand why i acted this way. Alcohol played its part but it only ever seemed to be her i got angry with when drinking was involved. I must also admit that I have punched the door a few times when ive been drinking lots.

 

I have rung the mens domestic violence helpline a few times and have a referral to see a counselor to see if im eligible to go into an anger management program. I am also going to go to my gp and get a referral for an everyday counselor. Also i am monitoring my drinks when i do drink now. I realise that if i drink anything stronger than beer i can lose control. And if i lived in a culture that wasnt so pro-drinking i would quit right now and still might (i havent been drunk in the 3 weeks since the break up which is really unusual for me especially at this time of year).

 

I feel so alone right now. She was my better half for the last 4 years and i cant believe that i did this. I really was not in control of what happened. I want to write to her and tell her how sorry i am, that i know we are over, but that i love her so much and im so sorry for putting her through what happened. Which I cant (restraining order forbids all contact except for dealings with the house) and wouldnt anyways.

 

I am normally a quiet shy guy, who tries to be nice to everyone i talk to. I dont think im a bad person but maybe i bottle things in and dont know how to talk about them. I used to be such a happy person, but now (and im talking about before my story occurred here as well) i just feel i have no friends, bad career, im miserable, moody, and just generally feel directionless and stuck in a rut. I wonder if this is what provoked me that night.

 

I have read some of the articles on if your dating 'a loser', etc, because i am worried that i may be one of these people. And whilst ive done what ive done and can be critical of her sometimes i have always tried to support and be there for her. I was always encouraging her to make new friends and not to give up on her career.

 

Please dont be to critical on me here. I am genuinely sorry for what happened and i am trying to do things to ensure that it never happens again. I really hate myself right now.

[redrose85]

In all my time on ENA so far, I don't think I've read a post from the abuser's perspective. Kudos to you for recognizing that you have a problem. Too many people never reach that point. I think the main things to do right now are 1. to stop drinking, because you obviously cannot control yourself under the influence, and 2. to seek professional counselling to get to the bottom of where this anger is coming from. If you are truly unhappy with your life, you can change it. You don't have to stay static for the rest of your days. You need to love yourself before you can love another. Just start with those two steps, and keep going from there. You can get through this. I do suggest leaving the gf(ex?) alone though.

[greensleeves]

You are right that you won't get alot of sympathy but I'll try to be impartial and not too judgemental, which will be difficult for me.

 

What concerns me about your post, is that you refer to her injuries as accidents. First hitting the TV and it rebounding off the wall hitting her side and then the phone hitting her face. First, you need to acknowledge, that it wasn't the TV or the phone that caused her injuries, you caused them through your actions. Have you been violent with her in the past or was this the first incident? I hope that you haven't sought counselling and called the helpline simply to beat the charges and that you sincerely wish to change. You know that this behaviour is unnacceptable and you need to take the steps to change, not to repair the relationship but to repair yourself. If you feel that drinking is what brings on this behaviour, then I don't believe that monitoring your intake is the answer...you need to stop drinking altogether, because sometimes after a couple of drinks, things slide, your judgement becomes clouded and you may continue to drink more than what you feel your limit is. Monitoring isn't a solution. I suggest AA meetings, you may not think that you're an alcoholic, but if drinking is negatively affecting your life, it is a problem for you. You place blame on our culture for causing you to drink, you really need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. Not culture, not the TV falling, not the fact that she had a fight with her brother. You need how to learn to deal with life's ups and downs and how to appropriately respond. I honestly wish you luck on your journey and hope that are able to get the help you need.

[carbamezapine]

Thank you both for your impartial comments.

 

Greensleeves, i understand that her injuries were caused as a result of my actions. That is why i am seeking help to change my ways. If i honestly believed that it was an 'accident' i would not have posted here. I guess i do have a drinking problem. You are right when you say i might not be an alcoholic but if its negatively affecting my life then it is a problem for me. I am seeking remedies for myself and not to beat the charges. In fact i am going to plead guilty because as far as im concerned she had injuries that i caused....whether intentional or not.

 

redrose85, do not worry i will not be contacting her. She has emailed me a few times in relation to the house, and in my last reply i asked her to do what she thinks best (in regards to the house). I am not trying to pass responsibility for it onto her but i think its best for both of us if contact is kept to a minimum.

 

I know i have issues that i have to first find, and then second deal with. I feel i have lost the love of my life and will do anything (including going to AA meetings) to make sure this doesnt happen again.

 

If this post remains civil (as i know there will be people who hate me as they read this) i will try to keep an update on my progress and what i discover.

[greensleeves]

I sincerely wish you luck with this. People can change and there are many resources out there that can help you with this. I believe that you want to change....that is the first step and probably one of the most difficult. You will be a better person for it.

[Siriana]

Welcome to Ena.

I don't think drinking is doing you any good...you were drinking that night so it contributed to you being violent.

If you have a drinking problem, go to AA, if you don't just stop drinking.

Second, as you said you bottle things up, you are unhappy etc. and don't know how to face it except with rage.

I really advise you to seek professional help because working on this alone is not going to give you right results.

I've red posts from abusers on a forum from my country and I can tell you don't use the same logic as they do so it doesn't seem like you can't deal with it if you want to because you:

- don't try to excuse your actions with her behaviour

- you are not saying she made you do it

- you are not telling once you find someone who will love you enough you won't be doing it

- you are not saying you were not violent etc...

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I think coming here and confessing your problem is the first start to recovery.

I applaud you for your courage. You have defeated the wall of denial.

 

From here on out, you should follow through with the counseling and anger management sessions. You should stick to your schedule, so you can figure out what is going on inside of you, that would provoke such aggressive behavior?

 

Were you physically abused as a child?

[Anotherday]

It is great you came here to ENA seeking help for this. I found this forum as a result of being in an abusive situation myself. With the kindness and patience of the fine people in this forum, I am finally out of it.

 

But I am really writing because I saw myself in your OP. Your username is familiar to me for a specific reason. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and don't know if that applies to you. I have also struggled with alcohol issues my entire life and was, at one time, a verbally abusive person myself (to my ex husband). I put him through hell and, in the final analysis, he says he left me because my mood swings were too much. I am sharing this with you as I am wondering if your behavior might not be a function of something similar to what I experienced.

 

This is not to excuse anyone's behavior here and alcohol/BP disorder do not cause someone to be abusive. But those issues sure don't help either.

 

If AA can help you, I say go. It did not work for me. What has helped me finally get a handle on my low frustration tolerance and inappropriate lashing out at men (which I used to do) is a mood stabilizer I am on. Of course, the pain of losing my marriage really opened my eyes more than anything in realizing it is NOT ok to take my stuff out on someone else.

 

IMHO, the first thing to do is get a handle on the drinking issue and also any other psych issue. I'd fix myself or realize that things will not get better. Perhaps if you tell her that you are going to get some serious help and then take action, that will help. I have an excellent psychiatrist I see in addition to a therapist in addition to taking my meds faithfully and really watching the alcohol intake.

 

Good luck.

[carbamezapine]

Greensleaves: You asked 'Have you been violent with her in the past or was this the first incident?'. There was one incident when we first started going out when i pushed her after she wouldnt let me leave and wouldnt give me my keys. At this time i didnt realise that i had a problem and put it down to alcohol. I was extremely drunk at the time and we had a few issues going on (i was sure she was about to break up with me...which years later she admitted she was). Not that that was an excuse for my behaivour, but as i said at the time i really didnt realise i had a problem.

 

Fruitylips: I dont think i was abused as a child. Not that i know of anyway. But my dad left when i was a baby and he was abusive to my mother. I consequently got brought up by my mum who always preached to me how much of a b##stard my father was, and how that i must never, ever, be violent to a female. She always told me stories about how he broke her nose once, etc, and i always swore to myslef i could never do that. And now look whats happened. Im so confused.

 

Anotherday: Thanks for your help and constructive critic. I dont have BP but do know about the condition. I do have major mood swings though where i can get unhappy or down about the smallest things. I have some serious issues that i need to uncover, hopefully counselling will allow this to happen.

 

To all: Im not trying to find an excuse here, but is it possible to be in an unhealthy relationship which can bring out these problems? I was hurt very early on in my relationship with my ex and i dont think ive ever gotten over it...even when we got back together. We had very heated arguments where neither of us could get out points through to the other person, and neither of us were ever willing to back down.

In all my previous relationships (although they were barely a blip on the radar compared to this one) we barely argued at all and when we did it was civil.

[Siriana]

No.

Unhealthy relationship can't provoke you to be violent.

it can make you wanna scream, and brake up, and even slap another person but you normally wouldn't do it despite your wishes.

This conversion from thinking and actually doing that is your responsibility.

No one can force you to do that - you can always choose to say nothing and leave until you calm down.

It's a choice you can make in any situation.

 

Looks like you inherited something from your dad.

I suggest seeing a therapist and you should stop drinking forever.

[carbamezapine]

Ive made the first step. I went and saw my MD today and am entering into a mental health wellbeing plan. I have an appointment with a shrink/counsellor next tuesday.

I am still waiting on another counselling agency to put me into their anger management program. They said it would be at least a 6 week wait a few weeks ago.

I dont know whether to fight the restraining order she put against me. I know im not a threat to her. Im appalled, embarrassed and ashamed of my actions and i would not make it any worse for myself by doing anything again.

[greensleeves]

I think you really want to change and that you will be successful based on the steps you are going to be taking. There is probably no point in fighting the restraining order, what purpose would it serve? It sounds like alchol is a big problem for you and I imagine this is something your counsellor will address with you. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, we can only pick up the pieces and try to do better in the future. Good luck on your journey.

[carbamezapine]

The only reason why i would fight the restraining order is to do with the house we jointly own. I have no idea whats going on (we are selling it) and i dont know if shes fixed the things that need repairing, etc. We had just bought a floating floor that i was going to put in myself and i dont think it would be economically wise to get someone else to do it. Most of the furniture in the house is mine and accoeding to the order i can only go there for 2 hours with police to collect everything. I dont think this is possible (there is way too much stuff). If the house was not there i wouldnt bother. It is really the last thing i want to do but i feel like i have to fight it.

[greensleeves]

In that case, you do need to protect your financial interests and making sure the house is in good repair will be in the best fiancial interest for both of you. Also, if two hours isn't enough time to get you belongings, you'll have to do something. I guess all you can do is ask them to alter the order with regards to the sale of the house etc. Maybe there is some kind of a process where a mediator can help with these issues.