What are innapropriate signals?

[LBP]

I ask because last night I was out flitting around, doing the single guy thing, and apparently gave a few girls the impression that I was into them when that just wasn't the case. I did buy them a drink but I also insisted that they do the same - they'd never had good whiskey before and I'd never had a jager bomb before. Seemed like a good trade. I thought I was just being friendly.

 

The reason it became awkward was that later on they asked a random guy to come up to me and pretend to be a boyfriend of the given girl. My immediate reaction was, "Oh, no, it's okay man. I'm not into her."

 

And he laughs and says, "Well, great! I'm not her boyfriend. Wanna play pool?" We did and he turned out to be a pretty cool guy. I got a new buddy so it worked out for me. But...

 

I think this hurt her feelings? Made her feel uncomfortable in some way? I don't know, this isn't the sort of thing I want to have happen. What are some common mistakes I could avoid? Should I only buy girls drinks if I'm into them? Should I only talk to girls I'm into? What's the deal?

 

Not to mention the one girl I was joking around with... Who got REALLY offended. But I'll just have to assume that's me being a * * * * and nothing more. That's another story, though...

[rs.dallaire]

Communications is all about the other person, not yourself.

 

So the answer to your question is, it depends on who you are dealing with and how they perceive your message. Some women will happily accept 10 drinks from you without having the intention of going any further with you while others will feel "trapped" if you just talk to them.

 

Personally, I don't buy anyone anything unless they're a well established friend or unless I'm interested.

 

I reckon that your gesture was ultimately a friendly one but you are definitely exposing yourself to misunderstandings like the one you described.

[phoenix91]

Sounds you're like me, except that I'm enjoying it...

I don't think you should change..keep sending the same signals...its up to the girl understanding them...

[servedcold]

The reason it became awkward was that later on they asked a random guy to come up to me and pretend to be a boyfriend of the given girl. My immediate reaction was, "Oh, no, it's okay man. I'm not into her."

 

I think this hurt her feelings?

 

Maybe try some diplomacy in such situations. Most likely, your innocuous "not into her" statement got quickly passed back to her as "he doesn't like you," probably not the exact sentiment you were trying to convey. Serves her right for playing games, though.

 

I used to buy drinks for everyone I knew out. Would always be the one who bought the first round. After almost never having my generosity reciprocated, I quit doing this other than with close friends. Alcohol breeds false intimacy, and the older I get, the less I use it as a social tool or icebreaker with people out generally, not just women. Found myself with a circle of lushy, irresponsible "friends," half of whom were headed to rehab.

[someguy88]

Wait a second....this girl got some guy to pretend he was her boyfriend??? What in the world do you have to feel bad about?

[LBP]

I don't feel bad... But I don't like to give people the wrong impression, either. Just for future reference.

[stranded247]

well serves her right she played a stupid game and besides you'd only just met, how can she instantly assume that you might want to hook up after just meeting?!

[ghost69]

why offer women you are not attracted to drinks? you are putting those signals out there.

 

haha, she got called out at her own game. who cares how she felt. you don't owe her a dam thing.

[rs.dallaire]

why offer women you are not attracted to drinks? you are putting those signals out there.

 

haha, she got called out at her own game. who cares how she felt. you don't owe her a dam thing.

 

I think our friend has a history of sending "mixed signals", especially in clubs...

[ghost69]

I think our friend has a history of sending "mixed signals", especially in clubs...

 

who you sayin me? if so, you are wrong. i'm too direct to send out mixed signals.

[rs.dallaire]

who you sayin me? if so, you are wrong. i'm too direct to send out mixed signals.

 

No, I meant LBP seems to have had a few communication issues while bar hopping recently...

[ghost69]

No, I meant LBP seems to have had a few communication issues while bar hopping recently...

 

i agree. i complimented a girl once. she ended up hanging out with me and my buddies all night. i wasn't even hitting on her. she invited herself. i didn't want to be rude, but she got the clue we were just friends.

[LBP]

With me and women, ALWAYS communication issues. I've just accepted that I don't know what I'm doing and keep trying to learn from it.

 

The night ended well, at least.

[wiser]

The reason it became awkward was that later on they asked a random guy to come up to me and pretend to be a boyfriend of the given girl. My immediate reaction was, "Oh, no, it's okay man. I'm not into her."

 

I don't understand the point of them trying to freak you out like that...of course your reaction would be to say that "you aren't into her", even if you might be because you don't want to get in a bar fight over a woman that you don't even know.

 

I don't quite get why they would put you up to that, unless they were really bothered by you and wanted to scare you away. In which case why would the guy then admit to you that it was just a joke?

 

And then why be buddies with a guy that just tried to play a joke on you for no apparent reason?

 

I'm lost here.

[LBP]

It was an odd situation I admit! These sort of things seem to happen to me as a matter of course.

 

I did ask this guy why they chose him... He said he had no idea, he didn't even know them. When he saw my reaction he said it was obviously genuine and that the silliness of the situation struck him suddenly. Both of us had a good laugh about it.

 

It wasn't a joke for them. For the girl it was serious. I'm not sure what was going on in her head. She got what she wanted, which is to say, I stopped talking to her... But I hadn't really been talking to her anyway? That's why I started this thread, actually. Sure, I bought her the drink, but at the time my entire attention was focused on another girl entirely! I was just making conversation with people around me. I don't know!

 

The guy did seem pretty cool, though. We went to a couple of other bars and he got me into some places without a cover charge. I met another girl later...

 

But anyway. The rest of the evening went fine, though equally bizarre... And doesn't really have any bearing on this thread.

[LBP]

but anyway, to draw another example:

 

There was a girl I went out with a couple of times and though she was nice enough and fairly cute I really wasn't feeling it all that much. All the same, there was some chemistry there and I'm not really looking for anything all that serious anyway. Mostly I'm thinking that this girl is way to into me and I have to consider breaking it off so that she doesn't get hurt.

 

Fast forward a little, she stands me up for a date and I think, "Ah, okay, here's my chance to break it off easy." Basically I do that but, all the same, a couple of weeks later she starts messaging me and I'm feeling a little know-what-I-mean so I play along. And suddenly, while we're chatting, she goes into this whole diatribe about she thinks I was being too clingy with her. It was amazing to me. I didn't say anything but the whole time she's going on I'm just rocking back on my heels in confusion. I mean, almost every second I was with this girl I was thinking about how I would let her down easy when I had to. Not every literally every second, but you get the idea.

 

do I sound like a jerk yet?

 

Suffice it to say that didn't work out but do you see what I'm getting at? Apparently I give off all sorts of crazy signals and I'm curious what a few of those might be and how I might avoid them in the future. Perhaps that is a better way to phrase my topic.

[Adobe GIllis]

One time I was in a bar with an old female friend of mine and she introduced me to her friend. Not in any romantic prospect, but just "Hey, here's so-and-so". We all sit down and start chatting. The pints get low and I wanted another. It was my turn to buy and I got mine and Jessica's and I said to the new girl, "what are you having, this round's on me". She looked at me horrified like I offered her vodka from a street kiosk at Chernobyl. She said "Oh, no! I don't wanna feel obligated!" and I said "Well, I didn't want to be rude by excluding you". At that point, I thought she meant that she didn't want to feel obligated to buy a round next time, but she had alluded to being nervous. That's when I called her out and said "OH! You think I'm hitting on you! HAHAHAHA!"

 

Double whammy- I made her out to be vain and shot her down.

 

It happens. Beat them at their own.

[rs.dallaire]

I think going to bars and clubs you will expose yourself to such misunderstandings every now and then. You just have to roll with the shots.

 

Perhaps you have a direct approach with women (nothing wrong with that) and some of them are intimidated by it?

 

Anyhow, I don't know how you handle yourself in those situations but if I can only one piece of advice, I would say be less aggressive with the ladies.