relm Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Hello, I am not sure if this is the right place to ask a question like this but I am starting to see a woman that I am very attracted to. She revealed to me that she has no sexual desire and never has but I told her I was sexually attracted to her. My question is what are the reasons that a woman would have no desire for sex? This isn't normal, right? There has to be a problem that would explain something like this, no? She isn't on drugs and no medications nor history of abuse.
annie24 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 welcome to enotalone. it's estimated that about 1-2% of the population is asexual, as in, just not interested in sex. everyone has a different sex drive, and hers is just not there at all. is she in therapy for it? does she want to have a sex drive? i know if i were in your shoes, i wouldn't pursue the relationship, because i would not be happy being with someone who doesn't want to have sex.
CarnelianButterfly Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Sex drive is all individual. Some people don't enjoy sex due to many reasons. Sex isn't an end all be all, they have other aspects of life that mean more to them. She's been straight forward with you, she doesn't want sex, you can't expect that to change just because you want it.
ebizdiva Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I agree with the other replies. Please don't make the mistake of trying to change her. Some people might consider this a challenge. Find somebody who wants the same things that you want. Life is ever so much easier that way. Sharifah
blazin Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Hello, I am not sure if this is the right place to ask a question like this but I am starting to see a woman that I am very attracted to. She revealed to me that she has no sexual desire and never has but I told her I was sexually attracted to her. My question is what are the reasons that a woman would have no desire for sex? This isn't normal, right? There has to be a problem that would explain something like this, no? She isn't on drugs and no medications nor history of abuse. You just started seeing her, give it some time. There's lot of reasons why she may have told you she doesn't like sex. You're asking us to read her mind and tell you why. She'll let you know the reasons behind her attitude when she feels comfortable expressing them. The question is, can you be patient and not jump to conclusions. I will take a guess though. I'll bet she's used to dating horndogs that are interested in ONE thing and this is her way of weeding out those mongrels.
relm Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks for the quick responses. All replies have been helpful. I can be patient and am very patient. I've been pursuing her for about 9 months and just now we are at the point of talking about such things (we're both very shy so things just go slower). I just wonder is it possible her lack of interest is due to a medical condition (harmone imbalance) that could easilly be diagnosed and treated?
Poe Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Well, considering that reproduction is necessary for the continuation of the human race, I would consider a total indifference to sex as a condition that should be addressed. We are biologically constructed to have that drive.
ebizdiva Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Well, in my opinion it could be, anything's possible. I would look not at what might be causing this situation but what she wants to do about it. Does she really want to have a sex drive? Does she want to have one? Does she even care? If she found out today that it was caused by a medical reason would she want to have that problem fixed? I think therein lies the answer to your question. Sharifah
CarnelianButterfly Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Its her choice, not yours. If she wants to make the move to see a doctor it should be by her own volition and not at the suggest of someone that just wants it change for his own reasons.
RayKay Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Some people are asexual. Honestly, if sex is important to you - I would move on from this one. Someone has to not only WANT to change the situation (which she may or may not have tried and been unsuccessful) but also there are some people whom truly are asexual. Sometimes when people are this way they have no desire to fix it or work on it either...... It is possible that she may initially even be sexual - it can happen in a new relationship - but her libido will return to it's norm again and I think you will end up being very frustrated, and she will be too when you start to pressure her or be frustrated at her when she was honest about it early on.
wiser Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I will take a guess though. I'll bet she's used to dating horndogs that are interested in ONE thing and this is her way of weeding out those mongrels. As Blazin suggested, it may just be a matter of her not "knowing what she is missing", because her experiences have not been positive. She may just need to be "shown the ropes" by a guy who is willing to take the time to satisfy her and knows how to do it.
annie24 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 has she expressed an interest in fixing things, or trying to increase her sex drive? it may be treatable easily, but if she doesn't want to change, then you can't make her. without knowing her better, it is hard to tell what, if anything, is wrong with her.
ebizdiva Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Somebody who has been with horndogs or people who have just wanted them for sex actually have sexual desires even if they surpress them. They also have had them at one point in time. She says that she never has. Again, I wouldn't really try to figure out how she got to where she is unless she is willing to or interested in examing her sexual desires any further. Now, if she has been hurt in the past and the horndogs broke her heart then that's a completely different story. Still it's a challenge you may not want to undertake. It's hard to get a woman who associates sex with negative views like women who have been sexually abused, raped or have negative religious views of it. Some do not want to look at sex any other way and no matter how good you are in bed you're just not going to change their minds. This goes a lot deeper than how good you can hit it. Sharifah
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks for the quick responses. All replies have been helpful. I can be patient and am very patient. I've been pursuing her for about 9 months and just now we are at the point of talking about such things (we're both very shy so things just go slower). I just wonder is it possible her lack of interest is due to a medical condition (harmone imbalance) that could easilly be diagnosed and treated? Maybe she just needs to get to know someone and feel connected to them before she has sex with them....so maybe she said that in order to slow things down so that you are not automatically trying to hop into bed with her. Too many people have this notion of "sex first then I will decide if I like you enough to have a solid relationship with you" so maybe she wants someone who is willing to build the relationship first before having sex.
Hope75 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 As Blazin suggested, it may just be a matter of her not "knowing what she is missing", because her experiences have not been positive. She may just need to be "shown the ropes" by a guy who is willing to take the time to satisfy her and knows how to do it. I think this will likely backfire on you in a major way. She blatantly told you she isn't interested in sex- now imagine courting her and doing everything you can think of to get her to become sexually interested in you, and being flat out rejected X amount of time later because as she told you on day 1- it's not you, she just isn't interested. Better than seeing her as some conquest I would spend your time and efforts pursuing relationships with women who are interested in sex.
CarnelianButterfly Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I think this will likely backfire on you in a major way. She blatantly told you she isn't interested in sex- now imagine courting her and doing everything you can think of to get her to become sexually interested in you, and being flat out rejected X amount of time later because as she told you on day 1- it's not you, she just isn't interested. Better than seeing her as some conquest I would spend your time and efforts pursuing relationships with women who are interested in sex. I agree. Its asking for all that time to go poof. Why bet on a 3 legged horse? She's been honest and shown respect for you, she deserves the same respect.
mysteryman Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Not to be mean or anything man but she may have lied. Its a good way to get rid of people she isnt interested in. It could be true, just a thought. Or it could also be a lie, only its a test. She may want to see if a guy will like her without sex. And if you prove that, you get that which you desire
RayKay Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I don't think if it was a "test" of if she just wanted to take it slow she would say she has no interest in sex and NEVER HAS. She may say she will not have sex until there is something serious, or for several months....but I severely doubt someone whom does have a sex drive or does see physical intimacy as important would say they have NEVER had an interest in sex. I would take her for her word. To me, this is just like if someone says they do not want to EVER get married - they know there are people whom will take that information and decide to end things, but they figure it is better to be honest than it come out later. I have the feeling she is being totally honest with you on this one, and I would take her at her word.
greensleeves Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 I think first you need to have a heart to heart discussion with her about this. Has she ever been involved in a sexual relationship in the past and if so, how did it end up? Is she satisfied with the prospect of not having a sexual relationship in the future. If it's something she would like to change, is she willing to seek medical advice or the advice of a therapist to change? If she doesn't want to pursue a sexual relationship, you then have to ask yourself some serious questions. Can you envision a future with someone in a sexless relationship? I think it would be an extremely difficult path to follow.
relm Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 Thanks everyone - this is really helping me think through this delicate topic. I don't think she's had intercourse but has had some sexual experiences and said half way when it was happening to her, her mind just started wandering away thinking about other topics of a practical nature. She attributed this to lack of interest. She doesn't mind having sex to have children, but it is the joy and desire of sex that is completely missing. Also after she says all this she shyly asks if i'm at all still interested in her. This is why I don't think she's testing me. I probably made it sound like I was a sex fiend but the reality is I can do ok without it all the time (i guess my ideal number is once or twice a week) where hers might be once or twice a year. One thing I have definitely concluded from the advice on this board is I need to slow down pushing her for it. She knows it is on my mind and where I stand on the topic so I don't need to just keep pushing her for it anymore.
Hope75 Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Something you didn't mention which I think would be interesting to know, is, does she see this complete lack of interest as a problem or does she not care to pursue it and address it with a professional?
relm Posted December 23, 2007 Author Posted December 23, 2007 We are both in our late 30's and inexperienced in the relationship scene. But we are also both sensitive artist types (not into flings). She's not interested in seeing a professional which is definitely a point of frustration for me. It could be as simple as switch birth control pills or hormone abnormalities and problem solved.
ebizdiva Posted December 23, 2007 Posted December 23, 2007 Whatever's going on with her seems to be more mental than physical. I would just go back to my original response and the responses of a few other of the posters, don't try to change her. It is possible that things will develop over time or if you get married but it's up to you to decide if you want to wait that long or if you want to be in a sexless relationship, until then two words for you - COLD SHOWERS!
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