Blazin's thoughts on trust and relationships

[blazin]

People are always complaining about the controlling SO or the controlling spouse, but really, I think more often than not, it's protectiveness not controlling behavior that we see. Can't we admit that if that if we'd been a little bit more protective or cautious of our spouse's behavior, the affair might not have happened?

 

I think rarely those that have affairs initially get into them with the intent on having an affair. I think what usually happens is they find themselves in a position where their vulnerablities are exposed and even preyed upon.

 

And lets be honest, we all have vulnerabilities.

 

Our spouses and SO's want us to trust them, and that's fine, but I believe that part of my responsibility is to protect my spouse from those that want to harm her and my relationship. Is that controlling? Myspace, internet communities, night clubs, workplaces, etc. These are the primary places that affairs begin. That's a fact. And in my opinion, affairs happen, when the other person trusts too much.

 

Every person that's been cheated on has said "oh, I know my SO, he/she would never do that, they would never cheat on me". And then you look at a site like this one or like ojar and you see it's full of people that were cheated on, and it destroyed them.

 

So let's not confuse love with trust. It's ok to love of our SO's, but placing trust in them before they've earned it is foolish. And if you deny that the world, that the society we live in is full of traps and predators, then you should think twice about getting involved in a long term relationship.

 

People mistake passivity for trust, they stop watching, they stop being concerned, they give in, and then the next thing they know, the guy who their wife has been talking to on the internet or at work or at the bar is sleeping her.

 

And so it goes, at it has a million times before. No one ever sees it coming, but it happens. "Trust me" she says. Yeah, I did trust you, and look what you did.

 

People want to be trusted before they earn that trust. It's like wanted to be paid before you do the work. We all love getting paid, that's the best part. Doing the work, well, that's not as fun.

 

Maybe if people where a little less willing to accuse someone of being "controlling" and a little more willing to acknowledge the need for protective SO's, we wouldn't have so many wrecked relationships.

[ebizdiva]

I completely disagree with you. This post is like blaming the victim. If she wouldn't have worn a skimpy skirt then she wouldn't have gotten raped and we all know that's BS.

 

Somebody is not protecting someone they love by looking at their myspace or anything else. You can call it something else but if it walks like a duck..... you know the rest.

 

I do agree that people may not intend to have affairs but I also know that affairs start a long time before people wind up in bed. Affairs start first in the mind and over time there are lines that are crossed, sometimes slowly at first. It starts with a little smile, a little wink, a little email, a little innocent lunch and then all of a sudden wham, bam, how did we get here?

 

You cannot "protect" somebody from doing what they want to do no matter how you sugarcoat it. If a person is in a relationship then they are an adult who does not need protection from anybody else. Only children need protection. I've never in my live EVER heard that excuse.

 

You said you are trying to protect your spouse from people who want to harm her and your relationship... keyword here is spouse...if she's your spouse there should be trust established. We are not talking about a first date or somebody new.

 

Sharifah

[CarnelianButterfly]

If you have to police your SO's life, then its not going to work. If you don't agree on actions, then your values aren't right for each other. If you can't admit that and force your SO to follow your rules, you are controlling.

[wiser]

Ok, this OP DEFINTELY sounds like the cantankerous poster that I know from Ojar.

 

Blazin, if you can't trust your spouse to the point that you feel you have to "control them", then its not working.

[blazin]

Sorry ladies, you want the trust, but you don't want to earn it, and that takes time, a lot of time. Affairs happen because of mistrust. Affairs happen because one spouse sleeps while the other one chats with a nice man whose intentions are purely platonic.

 

You're being idealistic, not realistic.

[melrich]

Yeah I think this is trying to put an unhealthy relationship/worldview in the best light.

 

It's about people's values and how a relationship is nurtured not about withholding trust and "policing" someone else's behaviour.

 

Some people will cheat. That is a fact. More people will cheat where there is a withholding of trust and behavior monitoring.

[wiser]

Affairs happen because of mistrust.

 

Affairs dont happen because of "mistrust". That's totally backwards.

 

Mistrust happens because of affairs.

[blazin]

Ok, this OP DEFINTELY sounds like the cantankerous poster that I know from Ojar.

 

Blazin, if you can't trust your spouse to the point that you feel you have to "control them", then its not working.

 

Wiser, you call it "control" I call it "caution, protection". And yes, it is part of my job as a spouse, undoubtedly. Marriage is work just as much as it's fun. If more people realized their responsiblities within the marriage and the fact that it's hard, I believe more marriages would survive.

[ebizdiva]

Affairs happen for a multitude of different reasons. Some affairs happen because people aren't happy at home with their controlling spouses. Some affairs happen because a person is simply bored and would rather be out enjoying the company of a real man instead of staying home with a controlling spouse.

 

Trust has to be earned on both and you can't "protect" a person from everything so why try? All we can do is trust that our partners have our best interests in mind until they show otherwise.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If you can't trust someone, why date them, why invest any time with them.

 

If your choice in partner is not meshing with your values, you picked poorly.

 

How long does it take to build trust in your world, when do the police actions stop? When do you let them be their own person? When they've been beaten down into the little box of what you consider acceptable?

 

If you don't want to give trust, STOP DATING or get a divorce. Because trust is a big part of it, can't handle that, keep to yourself and don't torture anyone else with your smothering rules and regulations.

 

Smothering a person with rules is a good way to make them think about affairs. They find someone who enjoys them for themselves, that likes them just the way they are, someone who doesn't dictate their lives under the guise of protection.

 

People who dictate what their spouse can do are often very insecure.

[wiser]

Wiser, you call it "control" I call it "caution, protection". And yes, it is part of my job as a spouse, undoubtedly. Marriage is work just as much as it's fun. If more people realized their responsiblities within the marriage and the fact that it's hard, I believe more marriages would survive.

 

I dont think it would make any difference if people "realized their responsibilities". When things all go to "heck" and emotions are running high, its human nature to cut and run, rather than say, "oh, its my responsiblity to jump back into the ring".

[blazin]

Trust has to be earned on both and you can't "protect" a person from everything so why try? All we can do is trust that our partners have our best interests in mind until they show otherwise.

 

Trust is similar to love, in that it doesn't all come at once. When we first get married we share a very young, often times passionate love. But as we get older and the years pass, the love two people share become more solid and sturdy, able to withstand greater opposing forces. Trust is the same. It starts out small and then as 2 people make it through the the trials and tribulations that put that trust to the test, it grows and becomes formidable.

 

As I said before, affairs and divorce are so rampant because we trust too much.

[blazin]

Agreed wiser, when things have already progressed to the point at which the relationship is over, well, then it's too late. I'm talking more about what people can do in order to prevent the falling apart.

[wiser]

Agreed wiser, when things have already progressed to the point at which the relationship is over, well, then it's too late. I'm talking more about what people can do in order to prevent the falling apart.

 

The problem with your reasoning is that even if it's correct (and I dont know that it is), people in healthy relationships aren't going to listen to it because they won't feel they need it, and those that might listen to it won't benefit from it because it's too late.

[blazin]

The problem with your reasoning is that even if it's correct (and I dont know that it is), people in healthy relationships aren't going to listen to it because they won't feel they need it, and those that might listen to it won't benefit from it because it's too late.

 

A healthy relationship is a relationship in which both people can say "I got your back" and understand that it's a good thing. Being reasonably protective and cautious is an absolute necessity as far as i'm concerned.

[ebizdiva]

ok to be fair to you Blazin' how specifically does one protect a loved one on sites such as myspace? I wouldn't be opposed to looking at my mates myspace page. Looking at the type of comments that are posted, the type of friends he has, etc but are we talking about having their login information and reading their emails? I think that would take me a long way towards determining if you have a valid point.

[RayKay]

I disagree completely.

 

My partner trusts me; and I have not, and would not cheat on him or abuse that trust. I am not some vulnerable "victim". I love him, respect him and am committed to him thick and thin and can set boundaries - I am not to be "exploited" for vulnerabilities and do not need "policing". That goes both ways.

 

In this world, there are people whom will cheat. No amount of "policing" will change that. Though it may drive them to do it even more as if they are someone whom will do it, they already will feel they are being punished for it so what is the difference.

 

If you don't trust, you have nothing. And it is far better to part ways then it is to "police" someone you do not trust.

 

 

If I had to "police" someone to ensure they would not cheat, that to me is a big enough sign that they are not someone I should be with in the first place.

 

Maybe instead of using "policing" as your form of putting work into the relationship, it would be better served to work on building trust and nourishing the bond between you so that both partners are strong enough to defer from temptations and act as a united front against such temptations.

[blazin]

Haven't figured out how to do the mulitple quote by different people thing yet. But this is to ebizdiva:

 

I'm talking about taking and active interest in every person your spouse or SO has regular contact with. That's all. I don't know about myspace logins or passwords or anything like that, I'm just talking about doing whatever it takes to create an atmosphere of total transparency and honesty in the relationship. Getting to that point takes work.

 

 

 

I disagree completely.

 

My partner trusts me; and I have not, and would not cheat on him or abuse that trust. I am not some vulnerable "victim". I love him, respect him and am committed to him thick and thin and can set boundaries - I am not to be "exploited" for vulnerabilities and do not need "policing". That goes both ways.

 

With all due respect, all cheaters say the same thing. We all think we're the more trustworthy people out there, that we won't fall victim, that our relationship is much too strong for anything like that. And then BAM!, it happens.

 

A bit of a naive attitude if you ask me.

[RayKay]

 

 

With all due respect, all cheaters say the same thing. We all think we're the more trustworthy people out there, that we won't fall victim, that our relationship is much too strong for anything like that. And then BAM!, it happens.

 

A bit of a naive attitude if you ask me.

 

 

I don't think that is with any due respect at all - you don't know me at all, or my values or morals and you implied that because I have these beliefs I am destined to cheat....

 

I would not cheat. I will not cheat. Have there been opportunities put forth to me in the years I have dated? Yes. But I would never take them.

 

I respect not only my partner, but myself, too much for that.

 

I have also seen more than once what cheating does to relationships & people - not just those whom are the other partner, but the cheaters themselves and their affair partners, children and loved ones.

 

Nothing naive about it, when this comes from my own values and experiences.

 

 

It is all about setting boundaries for yourself, with regards to your relationship. It is not that hard to say "No" when you always keep in mind the promises you made to not only your partner, but yourself too.

 

I am sorry your partner cheated on you. It is certainly a horrible experience and I don't think anyone would deny that. But not everyone is like your partner, and to suggest otherwise is basically going to set yourself up for repeat experiences. What we "fear" or believe what will happen is often what creates those very circumstances. Someone whom feels controlled is more likely to rebel against it in the first place.

[ebizdiva]

Ok nice safe answer but it's still controlling, especially with the use of "every person" your spouse encounters. Why do you have to meet and know everybody your spouse knows? I really don't think you'll see it any other way. I think you really believe that with these actions you only have the best interest of your spouse at heart. You made all the different points about trust but you don't even trust your mate's ability to determine who is or is not healthy for her.

 

THAT'S CONTROLLING - and that's my final word.

 

Sharifah

[blazin]

I don't think that is with any due respect at all - you don't know me at all, or my values or morals and you implied that because I have these beliefs I am destined to cheat....

 

I implied no such thing, merely pointed out that the confidence you have in yourself to refrain from cheating is the same confidence that cheaters express to their mates.

 

Like I said before, nobody expects to have an affair on their partner, it just happens. Just like nobody expects to get divorced when they get married, it just happens.

 

So, try not to think it too unreasonable of me to take your pronouncement of fidelity a bit lightheartedly. I have heard it before, just as every single person that was cheated on.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Your circular logic is a nice way to put on the blinders and avoid admitting you are controlling.

[RayKay]

Having an affair is a choice. There are plenty of opportunities before it gets that to stop it going that far.

 

There is a big difference between being "overly confident" and between knowing what you would do, and your reasons for doing so, when faced with the many choices that lead up to an affair.

 

When one has an affair, it is because they did not make the choice not to. In all the steps that lead up to that affair occurring.

 

Affairs do not "just happen". I would not be with someone whom was that passive about the choices they can or cannot make in life.

 

I am sorry, but I am not so weak as to not be able to make the "right choices" or to passively "end up in an affair".

[blazin]

Your circular logic is a nice way to put on the blinders and avoid admitting you are controlling.

 

I'll take that comment very lightly coming from someone willing to make such an accusation without backing it up with a logical explanation.

 

RayKay, I appreciate your responses, and am somewhat convinced by them. But that doesn't change the fact that people like you seem to be in the minority. All you have to do is look at the divorce rates and the number of affairs within marriages to see that.

 

And out of curiosity, what are the choices one makes that lead up to an affair? And is possible that with some guidance and caution from both spouses, those choices could be avoided?

[Hope75]

You can control and 'protect' your spouse all you want, but if she wants to cheat- she will. We are all humans of free will and slavery has long been over, at least in this country.

 

You act as if trusting someone is to blame for them having an affair.

 

Would you really want to be with someone who wants to cheat but hasn't had the opportunity because you are following and policing their every action?

 

How fulfilling a relationship is that for you?