Sadness

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Everyone...

 

This is more of a rumination/rant than anything else, but feel free to comment. I just need to get this out, with the holiday coming in a few days.

 

After months and months of trying to hold it together, of *acting* like I'm OK in front of others -- especially the ex (who I have to see at work several times a week), I awoke this morning feeling an overwhelming sadness, and I am afraid it will stick with me for awhile.

 

Last year at this time (to the very day, in fact), the "ex" (who I was only really *dating* at that time -- we were never an official *couple*) broke things off, saying that he was still recovering from a past relationship and could not get into another one at that time. I was sad -- I had known him for awhile and really cared for him; after such long stretches of being alone, it felt as if finally -- FINALLY -- I had found someone that I connected with on all sorts of levels. So, when he broke things off, a few days before Christmas last year, it was hard, but I was dealing with it. I was getting past it -- or starting to, anyway. Several months later, in April, he began pursuing me again.

 

Since then, it has been a continual back and forth with this guy, with him pursuing me (and me stupidly responding to his pursuit), and then backing off and insisting that, because of unresolved feelings from a past relationship, he can't give me what I want, need, and deserve, even though he claims he really cares about me and that he doesn't want me only for sex. Basically, he can offer me a physical/sexual *connection* and nothing else, and I'm not having that. It simply isn't enough for me. We most recently ended things – whatever they were -- yet again, two months ago, and since then, I have been doing my best to take care of myself and be as kind to myself as possible, but it has been profoundly difficult.

 

Part of what I've been doing, though, is acting as if everything is *fine* -- particularly at work, where I'm in constant contact with students and colleagues and certainly can't be moping around showing my true feelings -- and all of this *acting* has been taking a toll on me. Everything is NOT fine. I feel like absolute garbage, and I'm sick of pretending. Since I work with the ex, I especially have to put on a front with him. He knows I've been sad recently, and we've talked about why (it’s been awhile since we last talked about *us*), but at work, I always *act* cheerful, and when I go home at the end of the day, I feel horrible. I cry -- A LOT. In fact, I'm guessing I've cried more this past year than I have in the last 5-7 years combined.

 

The sadness I feel today, I think, is all of the events of the past year with this guy coming down on me all at once. Yesterday was the last time I'll see him for close to a month (we're on break from school), and though I know that not seeing him for a month will be good, the thought of it makes me even more sad. I have no plans to contact him, but the thought of him not contacting me is so depressing. And, the way we left things yesterday makes me even more sad. He asked me to come out to his car with him, where he gave me a card and a small present and kissed me -- on the lips. We went back into work, where there was a small luncheon thing going on, ate lunch, and then he left to go to an appointment. When he was leaving, he came by my office and waved and said goodbye like he always does when he leaves work before I do -- it was just like any other day, except we won't see each other for a month, and while I know it's best that I not hear from him, I guess I was hoping for SOME indication from him that we'd be in touch over the break. The thought of not talking for a month makes me feel horrible; it will be the longest we've ever gone without contact since we started seeing each other last year.

 

I KNOW that not seeing him for awhile is best, but I am so, so sad. I know that I deserve to be with someone who can give me the whole relationship -- not just the physical part -- someone who can love me and let me love him. This guy is definitely not that guy -- at least not at this point in his life. He has too many issues that he has not resolved; things he can't let go of. I know that, but I can't help wishing that things could be different, and I find myself angry, frustrated, disappointed, and so, so sad (I know I've used that word a ton -- but it's the only way I can describe how I feel).

 

I can't avoid him permanently -- there is NO way I'm quitting a job I love and worked toward for YEARS -- but I know I need to minimize my contact with him at work, too. Otherwise, I'll never be able to fully get past this.

 

I know that part of my sadness comes from the holidays, and the fact that, at 37, I am still single and that despite all the good things I have (health, great family and friends, hobbies, a great career), I want the one thing it seems I will never have. I have pretty much given up on the idea of children, and I am nearly ready to give up completely on ever having a relationship with someone special. The fact that I essentially wasted the past year on someone who will never be with me makes me feel so lonely and hopeless, particularly since part of me always KNEW he was this way and that this is how things would go between us.

 

I'm sorry, all, for being so negative. I'm usually the one trying to be positive, but right now it feels nearly impossible. I just needed to get this all out there. I guess I need to go back to therapy again, after the holidays.

 

Thanks for listening (reading). I need to post another thread being a bit more positive -- perhaps a happy holidays to all greeting.

[ebizdiva]

Browneyedgirl, it's ok to cry. As my Grandmother would say, "get it out."

 

I don't think you were being negative in the least you were just expressing yourself. However, I'm concerned that this will be a very repetitive cycle for you. I do not think it's healthy for you to continue to work with this gentleman and yes I read where you said that you are not going to quit the job you love and worked hard for all these years but our health is so much more imporant than any job.

 

This man is literally driving you crazy. He's playing with your emotions for his own reasons. Being that you have to act happy at work you are pushing your true feelings down and are not actually dealing with. You cannot truly be happy in this situation because he is still there and he is also acting as your confidant. You're crying on his shoulder and there is still a door open there between you. I would get as far away from him as possible.

 

You cannot move on until you completely close this door. PERIOD. He is too much entertwined in your life. You will not be able to meet anybody else or have children because he's still there and you're discussing your life with him. He doesn't want you to be happy. He doesn't want you to be happy. He wants you to be ready and available for him even though because his past hurts he can't be with you until he gets over it.

 

Come on now. That's hogwash if I ever heard it. If he's willing to be intimate with you and be your shoulder to lean on he can be with you. Don't settle for less than the best. Your sadness and your inner feelings is your true self telling you to wake up and realize that you are not happy. No matter, how many masks you use to cover up your pain. This is what leads to depression and suicide.

 

I say get out the classifieds and get to job hunting.

 

Just my $0.02.

 

Sharifah

[low man]

You mentioned loving your job and I'm sure your your superiors at work totally appreciate and value your work. This time of year gets us all down when wev'e had a rough personal year emotionaly. Why not take a vacation with a close girlfriend to the Caribbean(?) and just get away from all that matters? I know my wife and I always invited friends to go with us on vacations(had time shares in Cancun,St. Croix and gulf coast of Florida). Two different times one of our single friends (male went to St Croix-female friend went to Anna Marie Isl, Fla.). Our male friend actually met a woman on the vacation, they had a great time and stayed in touch.There's even subtle hints that one will visit the other-who knows? Our female friend was a little shy but she" had a ball" as she put it. I'll admit that my wife and I knew where some of the really great but hidden restaurants/bars with great music were located. Michelle met so many people,danced(never really tried before) and came home with a new outlook. She is nowhere the shy woman she started, not to say she is a rebel now, but she is so much more confident about herself.

Now the waters are warm and the people with fun on their minds are gearing-up for the islands or maybe Cancun.

March thru April is spring break for colleges and I assure you the gulf coast of Florida and Playa del Carmen (Mexico) will be filled with people who won't let anyone feel down.

I don't go since I lost my wife 2005. She had heart-valve and only one kidney, but you talk about forgetting the knowledge of her not living past 56, we had some of our best times and my best memories.

Why not give a vacation a try and forget this jerk!

[pryda]

I know that I deserve to be with someone who can give me the whole relationship -- not just the physical part -- someone who can love me and let me love him. This guy is definitely not that guy -- at least not at this point in his life. He has too many issues that he has not resolved; things he can't let go of. I know that, but I can't help wishing that things could be different, and I find myself angry, frustrated, disappointed, and so, so sad (I know I've used that word a ton -- but it's the only way I can describe how I feel).

Wow, I know exactly how this feels.

 

Although our situations are quite different, I've had a recent break-up and I feel exactly the same way about her. I know deep down she wasn't quite right for me, things were destined to fail because of an insecurity issue she had. That was seriously her only flaw, and I hoped she could sort it out or I could sort it out for her and then we could be happy - but it's never that simple. It may have been her only flaw but it was a crucial and destructive one.

 

It's just so frustrating when someone is so perfect for you in every way except for one thing, but that one thing is significant enough to mean you can't be together.

 

I saw someone on here mention recently that this is quite common when dealing with break-ups. You aren't actually grieving over the person themself, you're grieving over the fantasy vision you had of that person, the person you HOPED they might have been. The key to healing is making that distinction, dropping the fantasy and accepting the reality of the situation: this person was not right for you.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response! You are absolutely right about being in a "cycle." I realized it over the summer, and I was about an inch away from telling him not to contact me anymore, and then I caved in. I know that now, this time, it has to be for good. Thankfully, I will not see him for a month, and I suspect I won't hear from him either, which is good (even though thinking about it hurts a bit.)

 

As far as quitting my job...ah...it just can't happen. My job was tremendously hard to get, and I LOVE it. I can't imagine doing anything else, and finding a similar job would be extremely difficult. And, I will not let this situation drive me away from something so important to me. Although I will not be able to avoid him completely, our interaction will be limited when school starts up again. Our schedules don't really overlap much, so I suspect we won't have a lot of time to talk.

 

I have plans for how I am going to get through this. I have tons of great friends, lots of interests, I plan to travel, exercise, re-focus my energies on positive things. I definitely hit a slump, but I am driven to come out of it, and I know I will.

 

I definitely won't settle for less than what I deserve from here on out.

It may take awhile, but I know I can get back to being really, genuinely cheerful, and not just faking it for the masses.

 

Thanks for your response. It was very helpful!

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, low man! I actually plan to do just as you've suggested. I have TWO vacations planned for 2008 so far! You are so right -- a trip to somewhere very special does wonders for a person's outlook. I am looking forward to spending some time traveling and having fun in new places.

 

Spring Break is a great idea...I think I'll look into going somewhere tropical.

 

Thanks again for your response!

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, pryda. This is exactly my situation. We have SO many other things that are *right* but the one thing that's wrong is a HUGE one, and unless one of us completely changes his or her mind, it just isn't happening for us.

 

I think I am definitely grieving not only the person, but what I HOPED the situation could be. I've made that distinction in my mind, but I definitely need to keep reminding myself of it.

 

You're right, I absolutely have to keep reminding myself that he is just not right for me. Sadly, I think I knew it all along, at least on some level, and while it's really hard to admit it to myself, I know it's true.

[ebizdiva]

Ok, but please do whatever you have to do to stay away from this guy. He'll come in under the guise of being your friend and he's really not. Keep your head up and you'll be fine.

 

You are so welcome.

 

Sharifah

[low man]

It's me again!

Spring break is great at Playa del Carman,Mexico. I' m not trying to sound snobby but the crowd there durong "Break" is usually well-heeled or can keep the stupid antics out! You can also catch the boat and a day package or a Bar Crawl at Playa and be in Cozumel in about 11/2hr and be back that night. Quite a town where cruise ships also stop . Main Thing is This Jerk would be totally out-manned, out-classed and out-of place if he were ever to appear.

Good Luck and have a wonderful and fun time no matter where you go!

[delerium6]

browneyedgirl,

 

I can relate. I'm nearly the same age as you and occasionally have those same fearful thoughts lately that the chances of marriage/children seem bleak and that I've just about "missed the boat" (I know a good chance is still there, but convincing the mind is sometimes hard to do).

 

When I feel this way, sometimes I realize that there are a lot of "couples" out there that are in lousy relationships and stay together out of a security blanket, money, convenience, or whatnot. Generally joyless relationships peppered with constant conflict. That said, while being in a happy relationship is our ultimate goal, being single is 100x better than being in an ill-suited relationship.

 

In '08, focus on fun activities for you and your family/friends while keeping yourself open for dates. It's all we can do at this point. Make the best of what we have, and see what happens.