"Love but not IN love" - a (biased) primer

[rostropovichclone]

Hi,

 

I wanted to apologize for any offense of my last post. I didn't mean to come off sounding hoity-toity at all and I probably should have browsed a little more before posting. I appreciate all the commentary, though, and in poking around some more, I have come to admire and respect the opinions of quite a few people who dissented in my thread. This is a great resource, and to answer the question of someone who asked why I, as a dumper, was here, I naively thought that this was a board to talk about the unique challenges of a second-chance relationship with your ex. Other words, I thought this was a board for people who had reunited with exes to talk about the challenges and triumphs of the new relationship. At any rate ...

 

I do tend to follow the threads of dumpees who want their dumpers back when the situation mirrors my own with my bf. I told him that I loved him but was not IN love with him, and that seems to be a common excuse. In talking to others, some of whom reunited with people they dumped and others of whom did not, but all of whom gave a similar excuse, I found some commonalities and while I am not listing them to say that if your situation fits any of the below, it definitely means you are/are not getting your ex back, I just thought it was interesting how it broke down.

 

1. Scenario One - dating 1-2 months. This excuse holds little water. Three months usually isn't a sufficient time to determine deep, deep feelings. Person probably was attracted to you initially, saw what they considered irreconcilable differences and is using this to soften the blow. Usually, too, with a relationship of this short a duration, this excuse is used ONLY if one or both persons said "I love you" at some point.

 

2. Scenario Two - 3 months - 1 year. Iffy. At the three-month mark, you usually have a sense where the relationship is going, if anywhere. Also after the 3-month mark, the "honeymoon" period is usually over and the chinks in the armor start to show. The closer the relationship gets to the 1 year mark, the more likely it is that the beginnings of deep affection bordering on love were beginning but didn't completely take root. It's a 50/50 chance on the dumper changing his/her mind if this is the primary excuse. He or she has to have seen some potential and not have a really concrete reason WHY love didn't take hold of them completely. If they are very certain about why they didn't care for you in that way, the chances of them coming back decreases. But if they were with you, say, 6 months or more and give a vague, "Gee, I'm not sure why I didn't feel this way about such and such," it's possible that something could be done to sway them or they had beliefs/ideas of what a relationship should be that you didn't fall into. This is what happened in my case.

 

3. Scenario Three - 1 year to 3 years - Almost always indicates just a loss of the inital spark. It is almost a certainty that romantic love is there or at least possible. Usually in these cases, the problem is fear of commitment. It seems like men especially seem to feel they must feel SOMETHING to tell them that they have met the right woman to have a relationship with, and without that "sign" they feel they have to keep looking. Reunions stand a good chance in these cases if the dumpee plays his/her cards right and/or the dumpee didn't do something like cheat, lie, steal, get pregnant by another man.

 

4. Scenario Four - 3 years-plus. The seven year itch syndrome. People start wondering if they made the right choice, if there's something better out there. Usually in a relationship that's lasted this long, the person who ends up doing the dumping can't rationalize why he/she would leave such a loving partner, so they believe they must have fallen out of love/never loved to begin with. Usually in these cases, these people have to go out and see if the grass IS greener. I think that the concept of NC, though I disagree with it vehemently as a "tool" to get back an ex, is the way to go. The more the dumpee tries to convince the dumper not to throw something promising away, the more the dumper tries to prove the dumpee wrong by finding another mate.

 

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I say that to say that "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" doesn't have to mean the death knell of a relationship necessarily. It's a sucky thing to hear, but it doesn't mean that's there's necessarily no hope.

[cabman]

As a Dumpee, I was in scenario #4. Going on 6 years. I got the "I love you but I am not in love with you" line.

[thinkstoohard]

Rostro, interesting post.

 

I was w/ my ex for three years. We never said the L word to eachother but certainly felt it was there, otherwise we wouldn't have stayed together that long. Anyways, she left after three years and said the "I love you, you're great, but I am not IN love with you".

 

As you probably know, I finally sent her a letter. I don't know how that's going to play out. I hope it ignites something in her. I hope I played my cards right...

 

Well, I am rambling about myself. Sorry.

 

Again, interesting post. Keep your thoughts and posts coming.

[pryda]

I'm in Scenario 3 right now (15 months), and yes, I feel she just lost the initial spark for me, and YES, she used the exact excuse that we are discussing here. In fact it's unbelievable how much your description mirrors my situation. My ex seemed to think that because there was no glaringly obvious feeling within her that I was "the one", that she should let me down now and go back to square one. I don't know if she has a specific reason why the spark was lost (obviously only she knows that) but she hasn't given me a specific reason so I'm thinking there probably wasn't one.

 

Obviously it's easy to take false hope from such a theory and I won't (so far I haven't played my cards right anyway) - but yeah it's an interesting thing to mull over.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Rostro, I think you are on to something. Great analysis!

[thinkstoohard]

Rostro, I think you are on to something. Great analysis!

 

So Crazy, do you think I have played my cards right?

 

I am with Pryda in that I won't carry any false hopes but I do hope that if there is any to be had that I have done the right thing...

[buckdawg]

4. Scenario Four - 3 years-plus. The seven year itch syndrome. People start wondering if they made the right choice, if there's something better out there. Usually in a relationship that's lasted this long, the person who ends up doing the dumping can't rationalize why he/she would leave such a loving partner, so they believe they must have fallen out of love/never loved to begin with. Usually in these cases, these people have to go out and see if the grass IS greener. I think that the concept of NC, though I disagree with it vehemently as a "tool" to get back an ex, is the way to go. The more the dumpee tries to convince the dumper not to throw something promising away, the more the dumper tries to prove the dumpee wrong by finding another mate.

 

rostro,

you're a very insightful individual and i don't think you need to apologize for that first post. it actually caused me to re-evaluate some of the things i had been doing and move in a slightly different direction. i'm in a very direction-less phase in my life and there's been a lot of confusion on my part and your post kinda kicked my rear end into gear and i really appreciate that.

 

the quoted paragraph above does sound a lot like my wife based on what she's told me. it hurt me when she said she didn't think i was 'the one' (i'm starting to detest that term lol ) but it also helped me realize that i need to start moving on. if it's meant to be it'll be. i know it hurt her to tell me that but it was for the best. in times like this, honesty, no matter how painful, is the best policy. false hope is the ultimate in psychological torture.

 

blah blah blah, i'm rambling. anyways, you're 2/2 on great posts. keep it up!

[thinkstoohard]

I'm with BD!

[Veroni]

Im in scenario 3, but I wouldnt take my ex back even if he begged me. If they leave you once, they'll do it again. Im not going through this again!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So Crazy, do you think I have played my cards right?

 

I am with Pryda in that I won't carry any false hopes but I do hope that if there is any to be had that I have done the right thing...

 

Yes, I definitely think you did the right thing. You will have no regrets however this turns out.

[iambrazilian]

are you as good a cellist as rostropovich, rly? Congrats!

 

post a few recs, lol...

[iambrazilian]

cenario 3 is the exact same one I went through as the dumper. I gave that line, and seriously believed in it.

[musashi]

Scenario 2 here. Wonderful 8 months of bliss. Perfect communication. Not one single fight or argument. Talks of marriage and our future together.

 

And then I get The call out of the blue. "I just don't have the same feelings for you", "I love you but not in love with you", etc.

 

This after constantly telling me how great of a boyfriend I was. How I always said and did the right things. Even during the breakup she expressed that I was the perfect boyfriend and any girl would be blessed to have me (except her obviously

 

I am vaguely hoping for future reconciliation because I do truly believe that she loves me, misses me, and is miserable right now (this from our last phone conversation 2 months after the breakup).

[CreoUCLA]

As a Dumpee, I was in scenario #4. Going on 6 years. I got the "I love you but I am not in love with you" line.

 

Ditto (would have been 6 years on 1/10). I got the "I think we lost the 'in love' feeling" and "I never stopped loving you, it just changed to a different kind" lines.

 

Whatever. I'm over her.

 

-Mike-

[Frangipani]

Number 3 for me. Distanced himself and said, "I'm confused, just don't feel the same as I did." That's the only reason I got after 8 months. He was the one who was totally into me to begin with and I fell for him after getting to know him better.

 

That whole thing about 'if they don't feel the same as when the first met you, you can't be the one.' This seems so true. Deep love comes with time and it's an amazing feeling. The initial lust and butterflies are great, but it's the real love - which is the calm, secure and peaceful feeling, that is TRUE love. many people don't seem to understand this.

 

Great post BTW

[Lugh]

i dont usually frequent this section but the title caught my eye, i was senario 4 --going on 6 years and got the line love not in love, felt we drifted apart, what bugs me most is after 6 years of a good relationship why didnt she talk about her fears and why didnt she try to work it out with me?

anyway at this point i would have to give getting back together serious thought if the opportunity arose, once bitten twice shy and all that.

just wondering is it childish to be annoyed over the broken promises of undying love, never leave you, never hurt you etc.

[buckdawg]

i dont usually frequent this section nut the title caught my eye, i was senario 4 --going on 6 years and got the line love not in love, felt we drifted apart, what bugs me most is after 6 years of a good relationship why didnt she talk about her fears and why didnt she try to work it out with me?

anyway at this point i would have to give getting back together serious thought if the opportunity arose, once bitten twice shy and all that.

just wondering is it childish to be annoyed over the broken promises of undying love, never leave you, never hurt you etc.

 

it's annoying sure but fretting over it is wasted energy. look at it this way, aren't you glad they were at least honest with you? sure you wish they could have been honest about it earlier but it's not like you can make their heart feel any different towards you.

[Lugh]

Thats true buckdawg,

how did you and your partner finish? are you still talking or not? was it nasty or just messy, mine was messy but not nasty, i think id like to be friends but even after 9 weeks of nc i know im not ready to chat to her yet.

[Frangipani]

yeah but what if you ARE honest and feel things are changing and try to bring it up? I did this. I felt a shift so I confidently asked if everything was ok and what could do to make things better. I was open, honest and upfront about my fears and worries - something I hadn't done in the past.

 

Seemed to push him away Can't win.

[buckdawg]

Thats true buckdawg,

how did you and your partner finish? are you still talking or not? was it nasty or just messy, mine was messy but not nasty, i think id like to be friends but even after 9 weeks of nc i know im not ready to chat to her yet.

 

it wasn't pleasant but i don't think it was bitter either. trying to keep it mature for the sake of the kids and, honestly, it does no one any good to make it ugly. she got what she wants, i got to learn to deal with it and move on. holding onto grudges and bitterness only prolongs the forward movement.

 

doesn't mean i don't have bad days because i certainly do but i just keep reminding myself that there's nothing i can do about it and it's up to me to make the best out of this situation.

 

we still talk, have to for the kids but also casually. i know it was hard for her too so there's some sort of weird dumper/dumpee connection there. we don't talk often, every two or three days and it's usually brief but i'm to the point now where i'm not hanging on to any words she might say.

[Lugh]

cheers buckdawg, glad to see youre getting there, im making progress like yourself its just that somedays it catches up on ya.

sometimes trying to be logical about it all doesnt help .

[buckdawg]

cheers buckdawg, glad to see youre getting there, im making progress like yourself its just that somedays it catches up on ya.

sometimes trying to be logical about it all doesnt help .

 

no it doesn't but it's all part of the process...unfortunately

[pryda]

And then I get The call out of the blue. "I just don't have the same feelings for you", "I love you but not in love with you", etc.

 

This after constantly telling me how great of a boyfriend I was. How I always said and did the right things. Even during the breakup she expressed that I was the perfect boyfriend and any girl would be blessed to have me (except her obviously

I got pretty much exactly the same stuff. I found it mind-boggling at the time, but after coming on here and a few other sites I've realised it is INCREDIBLY common for girls to say this stuff in a break-up.

 

I'm sure they mean it too. As I've been saying in other threads, I think sometimes if you are "too good" to your partner she feels under pressure to return that love, and if she feels incapable of doing so then she'll get a sense that things aren't right. It's a big shame though, because I don't think interest levels have to be equal at all times for a relationship to have a future; people's feelings wax and wane at different speeds. I've realised sometimes it's better to back off instead of piling one loving gesture after another onto your partner, particularly if she isn't returning those gestures at the same rate. She will always feel more comfortable if your feelings for her are at a level that can be reciprocated or at least at a level she feels capable of catching up to. Otherwise, while she will of course appreciate the efforts you're going to, she'll just feel maybe you aren't the right guy for her.

[Frangipani]

Hey...it's incredibly common for men to say it too!!! I've had it said to me in my past two serious relationships.

[servedcold]

Hey...it's incredibly common for men to say it too!!! I've had it said to me in my past two serious relationships.

 

Sorry to hear this, as it is really a thoughtless thing to say to someone, but neither I, nor any man I know has ever said something like this to a woman. Men definitely have their own common crappy exit lines, but the ILYBNILWY is not one I think many guys say, sure there are exceptions as you have experienced...

 

As far as the general thread topic goes, IMO, love is a verb, not a "feeling." Infatuation is a feeling. Lust is a feeling. Desire is a feeling. Love is a set of specific behaviors towards someone enacted over time that derives from rational decisions to behave as such, and though based on feelings of respect, affection, friendship, consideration, etc, is distinct from those feelings. Acting with love towards someone is a conscious decision, not an impulse or emotional response.